To not know if this marriage will ever work?

[FizzyWaterMelon]

First post so go easy on me please.

Tl:dr. Husband wants me to work part time and look after the house. Super high expectations make it impossible and we both feel like crap.

I've been with my now husband for just under two years. We got married in January, a rushed wedding as we'd just bought a house together. The house has needed a substantial amount of work done inxli9a new kitchen and bathroom, costing a small fortune we borrowed from my mum and came from his savings account. The house is in my name and me (and my mum) paid the deposit.

He is a really loving and caring guy. Always puts me first, looks out for me, makes sure I'm OK in stressful situations etc when my anxiety plays up.

When we met I had returned to uni and was going to pursue becoming a primary teacher, then later it changed to accountancy. I had always had a goal of having a good career that would allow me to live the lifestyle I want. I don't want lots of holidays, I just want to do things with my horse. We decided mutually that there was no point me getting a new career underway to then take so many years off to have children, and so I cancelled my uni course and finished with a BA.

Over the last few months and with me working various shift patterns from part time to full time, we have talked so many times about me only working part time and staying at home to look after the house etc while he works full time. We have discussed it that often I don't remember who's idea it was and feel he has been pushing me to give up my job so I an become a good little housewife.

My part time job pays the mortgage and for my horse. That was the deal, and he pays everything else. In return it's my job to take care of the house, do the washing etc. Except every time I do something he has a problem with it. I stopped doing washing in his day off as I was mixing loads and things weren't getting washed properly. I stopped cleaning as I was either doing it too quickly and therefore incorrectly or too slowly and taking too long.

Basically, everything I do he says is wrong, and it's getting me down. Tonight is the 2ns night in 6 weeks I'm sleeping on the couch. I do things a regular person does but everything is wrong and apparently shows I have no respect for him at all.

He is very considerate in some areas. Always makes sure my mum is OK now she's on her own, takes care of all the bills from his pay, wants me to have the best life I can. And in return I just need to treat him the way he treats me. The problem is I just can't. I always mess it up or over think it or only think about myself.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I just suck it up and work on being a better wife? Not many folk can say they only work part time with no kids and have so much free time.

Kudos if you go this far.

This doesn’t sound good, OP. Look up coercive control and you’ll see that it starts the way you’re describing your life - and then gets worse.

A couple of years ago, there was a good and much talked-about dramatisation done in The Archers with Helen & Rob. Now they’re doing something similar in Coronation Street with Yasmeen & Geoff.

It really isn’t worth being unhappy in a marriage whatever age you are. You have your whole life ahead of you. I would think hard about extricating yourself from this situation while you still have some control. It sounds harsh and it won’t be easy but the alternative is grim.

Good luck

We decided mutually that there was no point me getting a new career underway to then take so many years off to have children, and so I cancelled my uni course and finished with a BA.

You thought you found your sugar daddy but what you found was an old infertile man.

So you can't have a natural birth, presumably as he does not want your love tunnel to get stretched? Nice, think about yourself only, DH, never mind that a CS is major surgery! Oh, and I don't THINK they are available on demand quite yet.
And you can't breast feed? Only he is allowed to suck your nipples? Does he think that there is any sexual gratification for the mother when breastfeeding?
Seriously, OP, you have married a very ignorant specimen here, who clearly has only his own best interests at heart.
A loving, supportive DH would encourage you to complete some training and further your career, not try to trap you in the house with little prospect of seeing how controlling he is and wanting to get away.
And he's 50? Shudder. Get him out of your house.

My goodness OP, please don't let this awful man ruin your young life. Please get out now, as you can start again. Find a lawyer and ask what you should do next, don't leave until you've got proper advice.

You've still got time to meet a guy your own age, have kids (normally!) and retrain to be a teacher or accountant. Don't stay with him any longer and squander those opportunities.

alot of the relationship has been anxiety ridden and riding out the storm, so to speak this stood out to me. You have been with this man less than 2 years and have never really been happy. It's not working, it will never work and you don't owe him anything. Free yourself and do the Freedom Programme before starting another relationship.

So let me get this straight...
you are your mum paid the deposit for your house but it's in his name only even though your wages pay the mortgage?? When you say he pays for "everything else", you mean bills/food and such?

Why do you say in return you look after the house? You both work and contribute financially to your home, but it's absolutely bat shit crazy that you are expected to do everything in terms of the upkeep of the house!

He sounds very controlling OP and it sounds like he's never happy no matter what you do. Having "old fashioned values" is another way of saying misogynistic pig IMO!

It's your house.
You are in your 20s.
Please kick him out.

You need to take control & make some changes now. Complete your PGCE & get a full-time job as a teacher or become an accountant. Start a savings account

You need 35 years National Insurance contributions to claim a full time state pension. You can check this on www.gov
UK using your National Insurance number
Do NOT rely on anyone else for a private pension

You should both be sharing the household chores together, always

Put the fostering on hold, you are not ready

Ok your initial op showed an emotional abusive controlling relationship your updates make it worse. Don’t sacrifice your life for him

The more you write about him the more awful he sounds.

Your partner should be encouraging you to be the best you can be, because they love you. Not give up your studies and career to look after the house. The comment about not being allowed a natural birth or to breastfeed, I’m sorry but wtf??

Everything is about him and his controlling and selfish needs. Don’t think for one minute he won’t change his mind about you going back to work or training after you have children.

Please make plans to leave. You didn’t have to marry him because you bought a house, why did you do that? You’d have been better off not doing so.

I think what really stuck out to me was that he EXPECTS IT.

OP I have no children, I’m young, and am getting a part time managerial job so that I’m able to live the life me and my partner wants. So like you, were probably the same age, I am in a brilliant position. ( I am not financially dependant on him before anyone gets a pitch fork out, if we were to break up I would save a hell of a lot money - he would spend more) and it’s where I want to be for the next year so we can go on many adventures.

My DP came from a slovenly home when young, therefore he would like the house to be nice and tidy all of the time, his meals cooked for him, basically a 50s set up, which we have and which I want as I have always been a caring/motherly/overbearing 😬🥴 woman. It works - lovely actually there’s never been an issue.

BUT he does not expect me to do these things. I don’t run around the house thinking FUCK he’s going to be home in an hour what a piece of shit I am for not scrubbing the floor on my knees. No. And if I ask him to do something he will gladly do it, because after all we are a team. If I don’t want to cook that night or want him to, he will. He won’t second guess it. This does not sound like what you have. You do not hVe to be part time. He is requesting you to be part time so he can control you more. It sounds like you are ‘just’ his wife, though I am glad at the moment he’s okay in other respects it does sound like a ticking time bomb OP. That will erupt. Because his expectations are a huge red flag, how dare he expect so much of you. Next it’ll be get rid of your job all together! And it’s fine if you want to stay home and be a housewife OP, but it doesn’t sound like you do. Be you. Not his expectations of a ‘wife’.

Is this what you dreamed of for yourself when you were doing your A levels? Is it what you'd dream of for your daughter if you had one?

This isn't right at all, and I think deep down you know it. Of course he will have charming moments and do and say some lovely things, because you're not an idiot and you wouldn't be with him if he were a total ogre. But this man doesn't have your best interests at heart.

It doesn't make sense that you are required to stay at home and keep house when you're already paying the mortgage. Why don't you get yourself that great career and you'll afford a cleaner. You'll also have some self-satisfaction, independence, a social network, mental stimulation, and be an equal partner in a relationship. You'd make pension contributions and NI contributions. He doesn't want you to do that because he doesn't want you to realise what you're worth/ to have friends outside the marriage.

It doesn't make sense that he wouldn't let you have a vaginal birth or breastfeed - this snacks of him trying to preserve your young body for his pleasure, not what would be best for you or a baby.

It doesn't make sense that he would do this:
"He is also very happy to pull his weight with any children we might have, so he says".

• because everything else he's doing and saying suggests that he doesn't know what "pulling his weight" means.

Please do not start a family with this man. Please talk to someone you trust in real life, consider women's aid or similar. Please also see a solicitors and understand what you'd be entitled to.

Please please don't wait a few years and then wonder what the hell you've done with a third of your life.

And don't fall into the trap of thinking it's too late at 27. You have years left.

groovergirl spot on, OP listen to groovergirl please do not throw your life, fertility and earning potential away on a man who sounds like selfish, giddy duddy bloke with nothing in common with you!

Most 50 year old men are not this controlling. My DH is 50 - we share the housework and both took parental leave. We’re a team. I suck at some aspects of housework but I don’t get complaints. We both work so the house is both our responsibility.

Boomboomscousin makes some excellent points about how the financial set up you’ve decided makes no sense anyway.

Also to say that you couldn’t have a natural birth or breast feed - who does he think he is? What happens to your body is for you to decide. He would rather you have a riskier medical procedure to birth and deprive a child of beneficial breast milk for what? To keep those body parts for him? You are so young still. You don’t have to settle for this.

Nrft but this is emotional abuse!

Leave, leave now!

See a solicitor. (Don't tell him)

Clarify the legal situation 're the house.

Then start divorce proceedings.

He's awful. Not one redeeming feature. Get him gone.

You are waisting your youth, career and fertility on a controlling abuser. Get legal advice, divorce him and please get therapy for yourself to understand why you have let yourself be treated like this. This isn't normal.

You will divorce him anyway because what you put up with as an impressionable 20 something is not what you will put up with when you get older and start to see him for what he really is. So the only difference you can make now is to make sure that he doesn't ruin your life.

Short marriage, no kids, you should be able to get out with most of the house. How long did you live together before marriage?

You can have children. You are only 27. You have a career (when you go back) and a whole loge ahead.

He is a 50 year old controlling nutcase who had a vasectomy and forbade you from vaginal birth or breastfeeding and is slowly, intentionally driving you insane in order to control and keep you.

Why would you stay?

Did he tell you about the vasectomy before you married?

Ignore people who say Leave - It's (literally) your house!

Don't give him possession!

If the house is in your name OP and you and your mum paid the deposit then a brief divorce now (for unreasonable behaviour to get it done quicker) would mean you pay him a small percentage of the total equity. Not necessarily 50% as the relationship is short and no kids to consider.

I did similar 10 years ago and have never looked back. It sounds as though you bring a lot more to this relationship than him and him coming along "arms a swinging" is a massive red flag I'm afraid. To get to his age and have no assets suggests deeper issues to me

The picture you painted was bad enough from the outset, but when you dropped into the history the fact that, even if you got pregnant, your husband wouldn't let you give birth naturally or breastfeed, it became clear beyond any doubt that he is an outright emotional abuser and control freak. Please contact solicitors today and start making plans to get him out of your life.

I am always the last person to say leave a marriage..
He is using the carrot and stick method of control, life is too short to put up with this crap ,walk away

He thinks he owns you, and your body. Honestly, divorce him, when you meet the right person (no rush) then you will look back and see just how wrong this was.

Wow.... so you maybe able to get pregnant - but not with him but he has said you can't have ivf ??? wtf thats such bollux I'm not sure about teh rest....

tell him to leave - if it's your house he has no right to be there.....

if it helps think of yourself as being scammed...... he is a con man in teh very least - yes I think he has taregtted you and pushed on all your anxieties and insecurities...

get him out of your life and focus on yourself - go back to uni finish what you want to study..... set yourself free then maybe look at some counselling- start with the freedom programme so your next relationship is healthier.....