Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know if this marriage will ever work?

261 replies

FizzyWaterMelon · 25/02/2020 23:31

First post so go easy on me please.

Tl:dr. Husband wants me to work part time and look after the house. Super high expectations make it impossible and we both feel like crap.

I've been with my now husband for just under two years. We got married in January, a rushed wedding as we'd just bought a house together. The house has needed a substantial amount of work done inxli9a new kitchen and bathroom, costing a small fortune we borrowed from my mum and came from his savings account. The house is in my name and me (and my mum) paid the deposit.

He is a really loving and caring guy. Always puts me first, looks out for me, makes sure I'm OK in stressful situations etc when my anxiety plays up.

When we met I had returned to uni and was going to pursue becoming a primary teacher, then later it changed to accountancy. I had always had a goal of having a good career that would allow me to live the lifestyle I want. I don't want lots of holidays, I just want to do things with my horse. We decided mutually that there was no point me getting a new career underway to then take so many years off to have children, and so I cancelled my uni course and finished with a BA.

Over the last few months and with me working various shift patterns from part time to full time, we have talked so many times about me only working part time and staying at home to look after the house etc while he works full time. We have discussed it that often I don't remember who's idea it was and feel he has been pushing me to give up my job so I an become a good little housewife.

My part time job pays the mortgage and for my horse. That was the deal, and he pays everything else. In return it's my job to take care of the house, do the washing etc. Except every time I do something he has a problem with it. I stopped doing washing in his day off as I was mixing loads and things weren't getting washed properly. I stopped cleaning as I was either doing it too quickly and therefore incorrectly or too slowly and taking too long.

Basically, everything I do he says is wrong, and it's getting me down. Tonight is the 2ns night in 6 weeks I'm sleeping on the couch. I do things a regular person does but everything is wrong and apparently shows I have no respect for him at all.

He is very considerate in some areas. Always makes sure my mum is OK now she's on her own, takes care of all the bills from his pay, wants me to have the best life I can. And in return I just need to treat him the way he treats me. The problem is I just can't. I always mess it up or over think it or only think about myself.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I just suck it up and work on being a better wife? Not many folk can say they only work part time with no kids and have so much free time.

Kudos if you go this far.

OP posts:
Zebracat · 26/02/2020 00:12

Keep him or bin him, either way get a proper job and a cleaner.

Zebracat · 26/02/2020 00:14

But I would bin him. He sounds like a controlling arsehole.

Original poster
FizzyWaterMelon · 26/02/2020 00:14

@JavaQ I was thinking of going to my mums tonight, but then I don't want to leave the house incase he thinks he's won.

OP posts:
Koalaing · 26/02/2020 00:17

What would he have won by you leaving?

Original poster
FizzyWaterMelon · 26/02/2020 00:20

I mean, if I was out the house he would just see it as I'm running away and leaving him the house.

OP posts:
k1233 · 26/02/2020 00:20

You need to look out for yourself Fizzy.

Why did you give up your career? I'd be studying again even if part time so it fits in with your work.

Don't give up work. You need to be financially secure in your own right. Relying on someone like him would scare the bejimminies out of me. He's hooked you and reeled you in, now he is becoming controlling - you can't do anything right - and that will no doubt soon become financial abuse including making you give up your horse.

Interesting that, at his age, he's needing to borrow money from your mum and contributing to the deposit on the house.

When did you find out you can't have children? Why was it expected that you'd give up your career and financial security for kids instead of him also contributing his time?

Original poster
FizzyWaterMelon · 26/02/2020 00:28

@k1233 he had bad credit from a previous marriage yeard ago and so couldn't get a mortgage.

I'm a pushover and could convince myself the sky was green if I tried hard enough, so probably an easy target for manipulative people 😅

He had a vasectomy years ago that can't be reversed, so the only option would be ivf. Also, he had said I couldn't have a natural birth or breast feed and I thought well if I can't do that, combined with the ivf stress, to look at other options. I wanted to spend the first few years with baby not working, so we just went with that since he has a good enough wage to support us. He is also very happy to pull his weight with any children we might have, so he says.

OP posts:
PelicanPie · 26/02/2020 00:35

Nothing about this man sounds good. He’s much older. He expects you to do all the housework and give up your job. He criticises you all the time. He has a bad credit rating and is borrowing from your mother. He tells you what sort of birth you can have and whether you can breastfeed.
Get the hell out as quickly as you can. Why on earth are you with this man.
You know if you have a foster child he will leave all the work to you whatever e says. He’s using you.

Han1213 · 26/02/2020 00:36

I think you just need to read your own comments back to see how whack-a-doodle, manipulative and controlling he is. Get out now! You’ve your whole life ahead of you to have whatever career you want and any children you want.

Itsnotachesterdrawers · 26/02/2020 00:37

As a child who was previously fostered, please do not go ahead with fostering!

Nat6999 · 26/02/2020 00:41

Get all you have put in the house ringfenced legally & get rid of him, he will never change. You can foster or adopt as a single person if that is what you want, but I would imagine the process for either is very challenging mentally without having your head messed around with by your husband who doesn't sound like he cares for you one bit.

Original poster
FizzyWaterMelon · 26/02/2020 00:43

Thanks everyone for confirming what I was thinking. He definitely has good points, but ultimately I don't think it's going to work for us.

My battery is going to run out and my charger is upstairs next to him, so I'll read and reply to any more comments in the morning.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 26/02/2020 00:46

He sounds awful, OP. And you sound like you've been ground down to the point that you think his behavior is normal. It doesn't matter that he's nice to your mum or that you only have to work part time. He sounds horribly controlling.

Out of interest, what do you mean, he said that you couldn't have a natural birth or breastfeed? Is there a medical reason for this or something else?

k1233 · 26/02/2020 00:50

It doesn't sound good to me Fizzy. Telling you that you can't have a natural birth or breastfeed. My goodness. What else are you not allowed to do?

You really need to honestly look at your relationship. A relationship that constantly makes you feel bad about yourself really is the wrong relationship to be in.

CtrlU · 26/02/2020 00:52

OP
What did you mean by HE said you can’t have a natural birth or breast feed ?? Is he a doctor ? Has he diagnosed you ?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 26/02/2020 00:55

You have to give up your career for children.
You have to work part time to keep the house nice for him.
You have to do things exactly as he likes them.
He says you can't have a natural birth.
He says you can't breastfeed.

What about what you want? What about what you need? What about in 30 years time when he needs full time care and you're not even at retirement age?

TheTeenageYears · 26/02/2020 01:07

From what you’ve said OP I’m going to presume he thought a rushed wedding as you were buying a house was a good idea. There was absolutely no reason to get married because you were buying a house. At the moment you are 2 years in and can say you were still very young when you met and have made a monumental error. I tend to try and make the best of the decisions I make but I think at your age you should call it a day now before you throw away the next ten years of your life and won’t recognise the person you will undoubtably become.

From a financial point of view this could be costly to unwind on the house front for you but again don’t let that keep you tied to him.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 26/02/2020 01:14

You said "thank" you can't get pregnant. That says it all.

And telling you that you wouldn't be able to breastfeed etc is so bizarrely controlling. What are his redeeming features? Exactly HOW is he caring? Because he sounds awful.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 26/02/2020 01:14

Thankfully!

MulticolourMophead · 26/02/2020 01:17

Another voice saying get rid here. He sounds so controlling.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/02/2020 01:20

"He had a vasectomy years ago that can't be reversed"
How SURE are you that this is the truth? Because he sounds like a manipulative fucker and I wouldn't put it past him to manipulate you into a pregnancy from a spontaneous reversal. Seriously.

You asked if this marriage will ever work. To be blunt - no, it won't. Get yourself out of it ASAP.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/02/2020 01:21

Also, he had said I couldn't have a natural birth or breast feed

So much for his old fashioned values. Turns out he isn't old fashioned, he's just a weird controlling arsehole with seriously screwed up ideas about women.

Get legal advice.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 26/02/2020 01:24

He had said I couldn't have a natural birth or breast feed

Dear God, I’ve heard it all now.

Listen lovie, don’t waste your youth and your fertility on this miserable, controlling old man. He has no redeeming features, just a fake resonance he puts on to suck you in.

Kick him out, get a divorce, find a nice young man who loves horses and wants you to have a career and to give you babies.

Nanna50 · 26/02/2020 01:32

Why did you marry him when buying a house if you lived with him before? Why can’t you get your charger?

I think he’s manipulating your mother too, being nice to her while taking her money, he’s probably closer to her age so what does she make of this?

Does she know what is happening? Tell her and get him out of the house this weekend, cancel the meeting.

You can then go to uni, have a career, have children and breastfeed them .
I wonder how long it will take before he starts telling you that you can’t afford your beloved horse?

Guineapigbridge · 26/02/2020 01:38

you need to decide what you want to do with your career and your parenting experience. Then do that. It sounds like you've let yourself be wishy-washed away by what he wants. Make up your own mind, advocate for yourself and stop giving him too much say.