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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To of told a lie to not collect her kids

627 replies

Guiltybutstuck · 25/02/2020 14:02

I feel really guilty. A mum I speak to at the gates sent me a message an hour ago. Her youngest was being sent into hospital with a bad chest and she asked if I could possibly pick her two boys up from school. One is in my son's class and the other is older. I don't particularly know these kids other than if we walk up the road with them.

When I read the message the first thing I thought was we have a mile walk home and I don't think I can cope with a toddler and 3 kids with bags and drink bottles and coats etc. They all strip off and Chuck their bags on the pushchairs etc after school.

Also I'm having a really bad period. It's heavy and I'm already in a sweat about school run leaking. I am under the Dr for this and currently getting help and having scans etc. The thought of needing to dart to the loo with other peoples kids here that I don't know is a bit tricky.

My partner's working home today so needs the quiet.

Also it's pancake Day and I have only got enough for us four. My kids will need feeding around 5ish. There will be no telling when they will get back.

Also I would of needed to do abit of a mad hoover and tidy before the school run which I really cba doing today.

I said we were at my sister's tonight so wouldnt be going home. I did say I could nip them to a park for half hour to give them time to come back.

I feel so guilty. I just wasn't prepared and I don't really know them.

Am I a cow for not being more helpful? I was surprised I was the choice of help too.

OP posts:
diddl · 25/02/2020 15:35

"It depends what their reasons were for refusing."

Why?

Who gets to decide if a reason is good enough or not?

Can't people just say that no, the are unable to help?

DDiva · 25/02/2020 15:36

Of course if you dont want to do it dont. But if i thought it was a genuine emergency I'd like to think I would have put myself out for them.

Beautiful3 · 25/02/2020 15:36

It was an emergency so I would have said yes, regardless of a heavy period and not having enough pancake mix. If it happened too often then yes of course say no sometimes, but not as a one off. You could have picked up extra pancake mix from the shop beforehand, or given the adults to the kids?

millymoo1202 · 25/02/2020 15:38

Hopefully you will never be in that position. She was clearly struggling before she asked you, I’d have just done it so yes you are unreasonable

Sagradafamiliar · 25/02/2020 15:38

You don't need to give all those excuses to us here. You were asked a favour, you weren't feeling it, you said 'no'. That was your prerogative.

I'm sure she'd have arranged someone to pick the kids up from yours after the run/work finishing time. She asked you to pick her kids up as you would already be at the school, that was the favour.

londonrach · 25/02/2020 15:38

Yabu in this situation. Hope baby ok

RoseGoldEagle · 25/02/2020 15:39

It sounds like it would be very tiring and an inconvenience to you. But under the circumstances I think not helping her for the reasons you’ve given is really mean. You’re presumably not going to be rushing off to the toilet on the way home, I don’t get why using the toilet when you’re all at home and the kids are playing is that big a deal. I’m sure the poor Mum wouldn’t give a crap about whether you’ve hoovered (and the kids certainly won’t). It’s not the crime of the century, just one of those situations where putting yourself out a bit would have had a hugely beneficial impact on someone having a shit time of it, but you can’t really be bothered putting yourself out

hammeringinmyhead · 25/02/2020 15:40

I'd have said yes, but asked her to arrange for someone to collect at say 6.30 latest. I'd worry otherwise about ending up as overnight babysitter - we don't have a spare bed, air mattress, or even a spare duvet and if you don't know them, don't have any spare clothes, don't know if they have allergies or have homework to do and so on it becomes awkward.

Ouchaheadinmybehind · 25/02/2020 15:40

You don’t know her well yet she was so desperate for help she asked you.......and you said no. How would taking them to the park for half an hour help her?

As someone with such heavy periods I’ve had to have a hysterectomy because no other treatment helped I think YABVVU. Even if I had been going to my sisters I would have cancelled in this situation, but then I’ve been in similar shoes to her & no one helped me. It feels shit.

Oakmaiden · 25/02/2020 15:41

It just seems like excuses to not do something you don't really want to do. Which is fine. There is nothing actually wrong with being a bit selfish sometimes and thinking about what is best for you.

That said - when you do decide NOT to do the kind thing, and instead to do what suits you best, don't post on AIBU trying to get everyone to sooth your guilt. Because most MNetters recognise this is something that would have meant a lot to the person you were doing it for, and would not have been that big a deal. You know that too.

So you are not unreasonable to say no - but you are unreasonable to expect everyone to pat you on the head and tell you you had no choice and there is no need to feel guilty.

TryingToBeBold · 25/02/2020 15:42

What time does your partner finish work (I.e. working from home finish). Assuming its 5? Could the kids not hang on 30 mins whilst he goes to the shop for more supplies?

You were already going to/from the school with your own DC so ask everyone to hold their bags. Plonk them in front of the TV when you get back and have to dash to the loo. By the time you've slow walked a mile you'll have barely an hour until your partner finishes work?

You dont wish you could have done more.
You wish you didnt feel as guilty.

TheOrigBrave · 25/02/2020 15:43

I don't think you are a cow, but I would have done it in your situation considering the reason for the Mum asking. I would have wanted to take that worry off her shoulders so she could focus on her child in hospital.

Think - based on how you're feeling now, do you wish you had said yes and just muddled along.

I know your DH is working from home but I assume he'll have breaks and will finish work in the evening, in which case you'll have another adult to help or take over.

WorraLiberty · 25/02/2020 15:44

I think YABU as you could have replied with "I'll pick them up but I'm very unwell. Therefore please arrange for someone to pick them up from me if you can".

Possibly worse than that though, is that you've started this public thread to try to justify your response to a desperate woman, when there's every likelihood she may spot it too.

I don't think there was any need for that.

Serendipity79 · 25/02/2020 15:45

I'm really saddened to see this. I've helped a few mums at school that I hardly knew to say hello to in some emergency situations and now they're my friends. A couple of weeks back when it snowed and a 20 min journey to school was taking many of us 1.5 hours, 3 of the SAHM's went to the school to help with all the kids waiting to be picked up from the main hall.

Totally understand that it would have been a hassle for you but I'd rather be hassled by a bit of babysitting than have a child in hospital. Can't imagine how she is feeling right now and hopefully someone helped her

JudyCoolibar · 25/02/2020 15:45

Pancake mix is just flour, eggs and milk. Have you really got only enough of those for four? If so, couldn't you put pancake day off till tomorrow? No child gives a fig for whether you've hoovered or not, and with another adult in the house surely you can make it to the loo. Your DH must have known that he would have the noise of children as a background to his phone calls from around 3.30 anyway and planned accordingly.

Nowayorhighway · 25/02/2020 15:45

You dont wish you could have done more.
You wish you didnt feel as guilty.

This.

Mulledwineinajug · 25/02/2020 15:46

Sorry, I think you were really horrible :-( she must have been desperate to ask someone she doesn’t know well and that definitely means that there isn’t ‘someone they know better’.

I’d have said yes, never mind the hoovering and made pancakes for the four kids. And if they weren’t back at bedtime I’d have put mine to bed and lent the others some PJ’s and let them chill out on the sofa if I had nowhere they could nap until a parent came home.

I think you were really mean and self absorbed. If you’re well enough to walk to school you’re well enough to collect them imo and if you’re not could hubby go?

RandomUser3049 · 25/02/2020 15:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

INeedNewShoes · 25/02/2020 15:48

You can delay pancake day until tomorrow if you really can't find one more egg and a few extra tablespoons of flour. You can even make the batter using water instead of milk!

Surely if the sick child has two parents then one of the parents should be available to come and collect their other children pretty sharpish after school.

I don't think I would be able to say no to someone in need who was having to take a young child to hospital, however difficult it would make my evening.

Mulledwineinajug · 25/02/2020 15:48

Yes, I’d have changed plans if I really had been going to my sister’s too.

5zeds · 25/02/2020 15:48

I agree you wish you didn’t feel guilty rather than wish you’d helped. I would have helped her and made smaller pancakes. Be kind when you can.

Cohle · 25/02/2020 15:48

You're perfectly within your rights to say no, but I'd like to think most people would help a school mum who had a child being hospitalised, even at some personal inconvenience.

Helping people out in these sort of situations is how you end up with friends who will help you out in return OP.

pipnchops · 25/02/2020 15:54

In that situation I would have asked my DH to help me out but then his work is pretty flexible about him nipping out to do the school run if he's working from home. I'd personally go to great lengths to help out someone in that situation whether I knew them well or not, it sounds awful, but don't feel guilty about it, it's done now and hopefully she found someone else to help.

Leaannb · 25/02/2020 15:55

YADNU I would never babysit children that I don’t know. Walking to and from school is not knowing a person and no way would I have that shit

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 25/02/2020 15:55

Just remember this when you're ever desperate for a favour.