To of told a lie to not collect her kids

[Guiltybutstuck]

I feel really guilty. A mum I speak to at the gates sent me a message an hour ago. Her youngest was being sent into hospital with a bad chest and she asked if I could possibly pick her two boys up from school. One is in my son's class and the other is older. I don't particularly know these kids other than if we walk up the road with them.

When I read the message the first thing I thought was we have a mile walk home and I don't think I can cope with a toddler and 3 kids with bags and drink bottles and coats etc. They all strip off and Chuck their bags on the pushchairs etc after school.

Also I'm having a really bad period. It's heavy and I'm already in a sweat about school run leaking. I am under the Dr for this and currently getting help and having scans etc. The thought of needing to dart to the loo with other peoples kids here that I don't know is a bit tricky.

My partner's working home today so needs the quiet.

Also it's pancake Day and I have only got enough for us four. My kids will need feeding around 5ish. There will be no telling when they will get back.

Also I would of needed to do abit of a mad hoover and tidy before the school run which I really cba doing today.

I said we were at my sister's tonight so wouldnt be going home. I did say I could nip them to a park for half hour to give them time to come back.

I feel so guilty. I just wasn't prepared and I don't really know them.

Am I a cow for not being more helpful? I was surprised I was the choice of help too.

I hope and pray that if you ever need help nobody you ask has the same attitude as you

"Who is to say she does have other people to ask?"

Well that's something that we don't know isn't it?

Posters are trying to make Op feel bad by saying that the mum must have been desperate to ask her.

Could be that she thought it would be easiest for the OP who was already going there to pick up her own kids?

There might be people who know the kids better but it wouldn't be as easy for them?

As you say, who knows?

Pick up & keep indefinitely is also different to keep for an hour until their dad/GP/whoever can get there.

But Op didn't feel that she could manage & has said no.

Tbh I think that that's fine.

@Guiltybutstuck I am stunned by the % of people saying YABU. I don't think you are at ALL ... These kids are not your responsibility, and you have enough on your plate with your own kids, and your own family and home. Don't feel bad. You have no reason to.

YABU.

It’s not a regular occurrence and she has a child in hospital with respiratory problems.

You feel rotten because you know to help her would have been the right thing to do

The chances are the little baby will have to stay in. One parent will have to come back to look after the others

So both parents took the child to hospital?

Absolute lol at someone pretending they don’t understand the title. Right.

I'd have taken them, regardless of how inconvenient it was. The other mum was clearly in a bind, and it's nice to help out if you can.

Of course, you don't have to say yes in this kind of situation. You can put yourself and your family first if you choose. Be aware, though, that the time may come when you need help yourself, and people are a lot more willing to put themselves out for you if you have done the same for them.

So if people think that Op was asked as a last resort-what does that say about others who were asked first??

It depends what their reasons were for refusing.

Or maybe this woman doesn't have anyone to ask.

But whatever their reasons, to turn round and say "If her friends won't help her, why should OP?" is a pretty rubbish justification.

YANBU

It's good to help when you can, but not when you have so many problems yourself that it would be overwhelming

Don't fell bad about it, OP 💐

@biscuitbarrels I can honestly say I’d have willingly had them overnight if need be, given the severity of her situation and how desperate I’d assume she must have been if she contacted me when we barely know each other. Of course I’d have asked her the questions you mention, but I’d have let her know it was fine for her to update me on the situation as and when she knew and not to worry, her kids were safe with me, and I’d lend them some of my own children’s PJs if necessary, set them up a bed for the night if it got late etc. if they had to have the sofa then so be it. They’re safe and fed and one less thing for the poor woman to worry about when she must be so stressed. I am not even a particularly nice person if I’m honest but when someone’s in a situation like she isn’t - only another parent can understand her anguish and I couldn’t turn her down in light of that. A minor inconvenient for one single evening for me is nothing considering what she must be feeling. If you want to make it work, you will. It’s that simple.

Very unreasonable, her child has to go to hospital. It's exceptional circumstances.

I am disabled and chronically ill. I used to get heavy periods. I was incredibly ill and weak pre hysterectomy. My uterus was poisoning me with advanced adenomyosis and endo as well. I spent the majority of my life in bed for years. I have chronic fatigue, chronic pain and fibromyalgia and a pretty poor quality of life. I went under the knife 6 months after the hysterectomy because the 8 inch scar completely failed. I had a lateral cut from above the belly button right the way down and needed a humongous hernia mesh to be inserted.

I still would have said yes under these circumstances. I’d have managed somehow. Dh would have sat in the car if necessary to work and cooked a big batch of nuggets or similar. That takes no time at all. In fact his being around would have made it easier for me to say yes.

I’m not a pushover by any means. I just know I’ve only ever asked people to help when the shit hit the fan. IE when dh returned to work just after I had major surgery and I needed to rely on people to bring dd home from school for 6 weeks 3 days out of 5. The 2 remaining she went to a childminder.

In spite of all the superior posts on here, the vote is only 2:1 against the OP
⅓ think YANBU

OP getting weaker and weaker with each post

I think you’ve made a billion pretty crap excuses but really the main reason is that you didn’t want to collect them which is fair enough but it’s better to be honest than list excuses. Being on your period and possibly needing the toilet while her DC were there just isn’t an excuse. Not sure how you only got enough ingredients for four people either unless you went and bought measured out flour and milk .

She must’ve been desperate to ask you if you barely know her, her child has been admitted to hospital for Heaven’s sake.

I would’ve helped in this situation. I’m a single mum with 2 DC in school and nursery and 1 who stays at home with me. If my youngest got ill I’d hope someone would help out and not worry about their hoovering

I'm having a really bad period. It's heavy and I'm already in a sweat about school run leaking.
I really struggle to leave the house when I'm heavy too!
I offered to take them to the park for abit
Forgive me if I’m misunderstanding but how can you manage to take them to the park if you’re barely able to leave the house / flooding waking home? Doesn’t add up to me.

You’ve said no now so no point dwelling but I think guilt comes from knowing that it’s all excuses and that realistically you COULD help, it’s just inconvenient and effort so you don’t WANT to. Trying to justify your actions probably are confounding the guilt.

She must have been really desperate to ask someone she hardly knows.

There has been thread after thread on here lately about being kind to others.

It all starts somewhere. I think you were in the wrong, sorry.

I wish I could do more

No... you just wish you could feel less guilty about doing as little as you are. If you wanted to do more, then you could have. I'm sure with a younger sibling in hospital and being packed off with a virtual stranger after school, the kids would have coped with the lack of pancakes. Or the fact you hadn't hoovered. Or any of the other things you've used as excuses to make you feel less bad.

Years ago, my BF died suddenly. I had a call from her husband, hysterical and crying. He begged me to go over, he was alone, had just heard and had nobody else who could be with him.

I called DS1's best friend's mum (who I was friends with), desperately upset, and asked her if she could just grab my son when she picked up hers (they lived in the same street). She said no, they had haircuts booked.

Personally if someone's dealing with panic for a child or the death of a loved one, I'd have changed my appointment time, but she didn't offer. Of course I understand it was her prerogative to say no, but our friendship didn't recover.

I do understand that your own day was a busy one, but if her baby's being rushed to hospital I think it would have been the kind thing to do (I'm pretty sure her kids couldn't give a monkeys about how recently hoovered your house was!).

@Poorolddaddypig my eyes are actually boggling. I think it’s because it would be kids I didn’t know and the extra pressure I’d therefore feel as a result. I’d do everything you said without thinking for nieces/nephews/kids of friends or cousins etc, but the thought of that for kids that I barely know fills me with quite uncomfortable feelings actually. Hmmmm. Food for thought. I feel quite stressed just at the thought tbh.

Time limited help with clearly defined expectations upfront on both sides and I can keep some control before I get involved? That feels much more doable.

And I wonder therefore if maybe OP - given her health issues at the moment - may have felt similar? Who knows.

Interesting. But it’s perhaps wise to consider that people might choose to draw a boundary for reasons that aren’t obvious even to themselves, and look for ways to justify it afterwards. Not saying that’s happened here, though. But it’s made me think.

I'd have helped out. You will need help one day and I hope you don't get the same rubbish excuses you've given out.

No, the kids aren't her responsibility but kindness costs nothing. An extra spoonful of flour and splash of milk would have extended the pancakes for all so that is ridiculous to suggest its an issue.

Op unfortunately coming on AIBU and not actually asking if YABU but merely wanting people to say YANBU never goes down well.

FWIW I do think you should have said yes. If you're in a position to help someone who has a child so sick they need to go to hospital you always should. Even if it's inconvenient. Which is all it seems to be for you.

You're giving loads of excuses and loads of backstory about how you're feeling and your situation, but I would've 100% helped her out. Her baby is in hospital.

I think all your reason why you didn't want to help are manageable or ridiculous so I voted YABU.

Did you think about why she might have asked someone she didn't know very well ? It sounded like an emergency and she appears not to have family or friends to help .