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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To of told a lie to not collect her kids

627 replies

Guiltybutstuck · 25/02/2020 14:02

I feel really guilty. A mum I speak to at the gates sent me a message an hour ago. Her youngest was being sent into hospital with a bad chest and she asked if I could possibly pick her two boys up from school. One is in my son's class and the other is older. I don't particularly know these kids other than if we walk up the road with them.

When I read the message the first thing I thought was we have a mile walk home and I don't think I can cope with a toddler and 3 kids with bags and drink bottles and coats etc. They all strip off and Chuck their bags on the pushchairs etc after school.

Also I'm having a really bad period. It's heavy and I'm already in a sweat about school run leaking. I am under the Dr for this and currently getting help and having scans etc. The thought of needing to dart to the loo with other peoples kids here that I don't know is a bit tricky.

My partner's working home today so needs the quiet.

Also it's pancake Day and I have only got enough for us four. My kids will need feeding around 5ish. There will be no telling when they will get back.

Also I would of needed to do abit of a mad hoover and tidy before the school run which I really cba doing today.

I said we were at my sister's tonight so wouldnt be going home. I did say I could nip them to a park for half hour to give them time to come back.

I feel so guilty. I just wasn't prepared and I don't really know them.

Am I a cow for not being more helpful? I was surprised I was the choice of help too.

OP posts:
Livingoncake · 25/02/2020 21:21

I feel very sad for this woman. I really hope she found someone willing to help. Really, OP, being a mum can be isolating enough without being turned down in a time of need because the other mum hasn’t hoovered and wants to have pancakes.

But of course you didn’t tell her that. You lied. Kids talk, OP. Have you thought about how that poor woman is going to feel if it gets back to her that you lied to avoid helping her? She’ll think that either you’re horrible, or you hate her. Or both. That’s on top of having a sick baby and nobody to look after her other kids.

You’re under no obligation to help anyone if you don’t want to. I just feel sad that this woman really needed kindness and apparently no-one could give it.

Bluerussian · 25/02/2020 21:25

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IamRhubarbBikini · 25/02/2020 21:31

What I don’t understand in all of this is if you are as unwell as you say you are, why on earth didn’t you just tell her that rather than the feeble excuses in your first post?

Rose789 · 25/02/2020 21:59

If someone I didn’t know very well asked me for a favour in an emergency I would do it. I would be concerned they didn’t have anyone else to ask and were desperate.

You could have told the boys to keep their coats on. Put the bags and water bottles under the buggy and taken them home.
Explained that your dp is working so every one needs to be quiet and as a special treat you can all watch a dvd. 3 school age kids watching a film will make less noise then a toddler surely.
I understand wanting to Hoover before an adult comes round. You had time before the school run but you couldn’t be bothered. I doubt any parent that has a baby in hospital and has foisted their 2 kids off on a school mum is going to come in and judge the state of your carpet.
You said you could take them school tomorrow so presumably they live very close to you. So as well as being a school parent she is also a neighbour.
If you had enough pancake mix to feed 2 adults and 2 kids you had enough to feed 4 kids.

If you didn’t want to have the kids that’s your choice, but I think it’s unkind not to help and unkind to lie to her.

damnthatanxiety · 25/02/2020 22:07

Not sure why you posted OP. You seem to be angry that some people are saying you should have been kinder and helped out this poor woman in desperate circumstances. If you didn't want to hear it, why post Confused

Pomegranatepompom · 25/02/2020 22:10

I'm baffled that someone would ask someone they barely know to look after their DC even in an emergency. No after school club/Dad to help?

Mulledwineinajug · 25/02/2020 22:14

Most after school clubs will be full if you haven’t booked in advance, pomegranate - they’re not ad hoc. You need to register with the club and pay for sessions at the start of term.

You really don’t understand that some people don’t have support?

Pomegranatepompom · 25/02/2020 22:19

I do have some understanding, DH and I have no support, so rely on after school club etc, ours does take ad hoc bookings. DD needed to go to A&E in December, so I left work to take her & DH left work early to get DS. It's a juggle and stressful but I wouldn't ask someone I didn't know well to help. It seemed like the OP didn't know the mum well??

Bikerider2020 · 25/02/2020 22:26

@Pomegranatepompom we've no idea if the DF works locally, it may be that he could t physically get there.

It seemed like the OP didn't know the mum well??

Well enough for them to have each other's numbers and she's confirmed that she would do the morning school run, so unless something miraculously changes over night then why is it an issue how ell they know each other?

I'm really surprised that someone who doesn't have support can't understand the issue.

Kanga83 · 25/02/2020 22:27

Pomegranate it happens. After school clubs here are oversubscribed. My eldest had an ambulance called to school as she has a prexisting. My husband works away at times, my family live an hour away. I have had to rely on mums I don't know well to take my youngest while I attend hospital and wait the two-three hours for my husband to get back or for my parents. It's not a choice it's a necessity

Livingoncake · 25/02/2020 22:27

@Pomegranatepompom, after school clubs will close at some point though, and presumably the mum didn’t know how long she’d be at the hospital with the little one.

We can only assume that the mum either doesn’t have any/many friends, or that she’d already asked them and got no joy. What do you think she should have done at that point, if not ask an acquaintance for help?

HairyDogsOfThigh · 25/02/2020 22:27

I would have offered under the circumstances.
I just imagine how awful the mother must feel, worrying about the child going to hospital. Anything i could do to relieve some of the pressure, i would gladly do.

Nothing you have listed is insurmountable, you were walking to and from school anyway, so an extra child or two is no biggie (tell them to carry their own costs and bags).
The pancake mix could have been stretched, have you really nothing else in the cupboards?
With regards to the hoovering, I'm sure with a child in hospital, neither parent will be judging the cleanliness of your home.
DH working from home, shut the door in the sitting room where the kids can watch tv, and the door to his room, where he is making phone calls. Ask the visiting children to be quiet, I'm sure yours know the drill and will remind them that they must be quiet while daddy works from home.
Going to the toilet when visiting children are in the house? Surely you've managed this before?

I think your increasingly aggressive replies indicate that you know you let this mother down and you are angry at pp's because it is touching a nerve.

Pomegranatepompom · 25/02/2020 22:28

I think we have just learnt we don't have anyone to ask, so we don't.

I think it's a bit rude to say I don't understand the issue.

Bikerider2020 · 25/02/2020 22:32

Ok then @Pomegranatepompom assume her DH can't get back for school closing hours, because he is working too far away, the school club full, what would you ACTUALLY do?

If as you say you've no one you could ask? Just no one at all?

annamie · 25/02/2020 22:36

This is all redundant as the woman asked the children’s father / her partner. So she did have support.

Pomegranatepompom · 25/02/2020 22:37

Well this thread isn't about me, but I'd have to take both DC until DH could get there, or nearest family/close friend.

Blackbear19 · 25/02/2020 22:40

Pomegrantepompom, just wait until the day comes when one of you is away on a course and the other is stuck behind an accident. And you've kids that need picked up.

Sometimes calling a friend /neighbour / acquaintance for help is the only way!

Bikerider2020 · 25/02/2020 22:48

Well let's home going to get the children is an option when your baby is needing to be hospitalised.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/02/2020 22:55

This is all redundant as the woman asked the children’s father / her partner

Or so Guilty would have us believe.

How would she even know? Do you think some poor woman with a child in an emergency situation is going to text back and say "Oh - no probs! I'll get their dad!"

And even if it's true - perhaps she could have done with her partner's support in the hospital.

Or if they were separated this could be something he could use against her.

Or maybe he was miles away, and she couldn't at first getting touch with him because - I don't know - he's making professional phone call, perhaps? - but he's picked up one of her frantic messages and got himself uber-ed back from Aberdeen or something.

I think this is possibly a fib.

Scarlettpixie · 25/02/2020 23:00

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ChickLitLover · 25/02/2020 23:25

Scarlettpixie

What a disgusting thing to say. Yes, it’s nice to help someone out but we’re all responsible for our own kids and should have contingency plans in place for things like this. It’s not up to almost strangers to look after someone else’s children. Not doing so doesn’t make the OP a ‘cow’.

annamie · 26/02/2020 00:02

@SchadenfreudePersonified

Or so Guilty would have us believe.

How would she even know? Do you think some poor woman with a child in an emergency situation is going to text back and say "Oh - no probs! I'll get their dad!"

OP has obviously been in text contact with the woman, because she has offered to do school drop-off tomorrow morning.

OP probably texted the woman to ask if she managed to find someone to help, which is when the woman told her her DH helped.

FlapAttack23 · 26/02/2020 00:07

If you were her and desperately needed help and someone said no as they might leak and don’t have enough pancakes then would you think that was totally cool? If someone in that situation needs help, I’d do whatever I could to help.. I’d have got a tai home with all of them if need be.

Sounds like you forgot the big picture and got lost in what Ifs.

Scarlettpixie · 26/02/2020 00:40

Chick the OP asked if we thought she was a cow for not being more helpful. They were her words.

No one is obligated to help but it doesn’t make them a nice person if they refuse without a very good reason.

It’s all well and good saying people should have contingency plans. Not everyone has family close by (if at all) and friends unless they have kids are likely to be at work. Once DS started School I made friends with a number of school mums. They were my contingency plan in an emergency and I theirs. I would have helped any parent who asked me to help. When I ended up in hospital in an emergency and my husband asked one of the mums to have DS for a bit, she had him overnight. I will be forever grateful that she was there when I couldn’t be and that she didn’t just say no because she hadn’t had time to run the hoover round etc.

funinthesun19 · 26/02/2020 00:59

No one is obligated to help but it doesn’t make them a nice person if they refuse without a very good reason.

There doesn’t have to be a very good reason. The reason could be just her feeling very overwhelmed by everything as a mum herself. And an extra couple of kids is just too much at the moment.
Maybe the pancakes after school with her children were a nice little bit of enjoyment and she was looking forward to it.
Maybe she’s behind on the housework and scared of being judged.
Maybe she’s fucking exhausted herself and doesn’t want to be responsible for two extra children at this moment in time.
Not shameful at all.