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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To of told a lie to not collect her kids

627 replies

Guiltybutstuck · 25/02/2020 14:02

I feel really guilty. A mum I speak to at the gates sent me a message an hour ago. Her youngest was being sent into hospital with a bad chest and she asked if I could possibly pick her two boys up from school. One is in my son's class and the other is older. I don't particularly know these kids other than if we walk up the road with them.

When I read the message the first thing I thought was we have a mile walk home and I don't think I can cope with a toddler and 3 kids with bags and drink bottles and coats etc. They all strip off and Chuck their bags on the pushchairs etc after school.

Also I'm having a really bad period. It's heavy and I'm already in a sweat about school run leaking. I am under the Dr for this and currently getting help and having scans etc. The thought of needing to dart to the loo with other peoples kids here that I don't know is a bit tricky.

My partner's working home today so needs the quiet.

Also it's pancake Day and I have only got enough for us four. My kids will need feeding around 5ish. There will be no telling when they will get back.

Also I would of needed to do abit of a mad hoover and tidy before the school run which I really cba doing today.

I said we were at my sister's tonight so wouldnt be going home. I did say I could nip them to a park for half hour to give them time to come back.

I feel so guilty. I just wasn't prepared and I don't really know them.

Am I a cow for not being more helpful? I was surprised I was the choice of help too.

OP posts:
FairNotFair · 25/02/2020 18:21

All he has to say is he will not be available between certain times

That's not necessarily how "working from home" goes, especially at short notice.

I'm also struggling to see why the OP's DH is under some sort of strange obligation to reorganise his life. These children have a father of their own; surely the onus is on their own dad to step up - as he clearly has, since they're already safely with him.

Bluerussian · 25/02/2020 18:21

TwitcherOfCurtains Tue 25-Feb-20 18:15:49
How can you feed 2 adults and 2 children enough to satisfy them from one bottle of pancake mix? Is it like the MN chicken?confused
......
I doubt the op was only going to serve pancakes :-). They are pudding.

However we don't know, she may live frugally. Earlier in the thread she mentioned she didn't have enough tea! Op, for future reference, always have a spare packet of tea bags in the cupboard or make sure you buy a new one when you are down to the last ten.

There are obviously no corner shops around where she lives.

Bikerider2020 · 25/02/2020 18:21

Also @Leaannb

The opening post says

A mum I speak to at the gates

So again not a stranger...

Not sure why out of all the people on here saying OP is BU, you've decided to single me out? Do share!

AriadnesFilament · 25/02/2020 18:22

Do you know what? OP hasn’t responded brilliantly in some of her replies, but she’s having her character ripped to bits by most of you and probably doesn’t feel like being gracious at the moment. A lot of you are being far more awful directly to her than you are accusing her of being about the person she has posted about. It’s just a pile on now and frankly it’s not particularly good to see when there’s nothing constructive being said.

DessertQueen · 25/02/2020 18:25

She must have been desperate if she asked you and you aren't close friends. I can't imagine saying no to someone in that position

Same here.

WhiteBadger · 25/02/2020 18:26

Maybe not being unreasonable but yes very unkind. That poor mum.

But tomorrow is another day!

diddl · 25/02/2020 18:27

Well I' interested to know the father's circs tbh-how far away does he work for example.

Because that's the first person you'd ask, isn't it & then take it from there-for example if the kids needed looking after for x time until he got there.

FairNotFair · 25/02/2020 18:29

A lot of you are being far more awful directly to her than you are accusing her of being about the person she has posted about

Too right. Whether or not you agree with the OP, she's not exactly Karen Matthews.

Stompythedinosaur · 25/02/2020 18:30

Sorry, but I think not helping in this situation is quite bad. The other mum must have been so stressed to get to the point of asking you. I have taken in a neighbour's kids in a similar emergency, you just have to make do. That might include getting the kids to carry their own things, and halving the pancake mix between them (or the adults forgoing their share).

I think when someone's desperate you should help.

funinthesun19 · 25/02/2020 18:33

Since when did it become horrible to not take/pick up someone else’s kids? Confused

Even just not wanting to is a perfectly good enough excuse. There doesn’t need to be a big explanation.

It’s helpful when people agree to pick your kids up, but nobody should ever feel entitled to it!

Sagradafamiliar · 25/02/2020 18:33

People can be skint sometimes and really can't stretch the budget. A pancake tea is an acceptable meal on shrove Tuesday, I used to have it for tea when I was growing up.
There's no need to be quite so bloody cruel when the OP has already had a sustained kicking!

Ellisandra · 25/02/2020 18:35

I think it would have been kinder to help. Some things - like the heavy period - I get.but honestly - a no because the kids put bags on the pushchair? That’s just nonsense. You say, “right, I’ve lots of you today, hold your own shit please”. Similarly the nonsense about having to hoover your house. This is a couple of little kids, not a state visit!
If you had only said about the period leaking I’d have said YANBU, but because of the above mentioned non events, I tend towards thinking the period wasn’t so bad you couldn’t have had them. So YABU.

KarmaStar · 25/02/2020 18:36

Ywbu op.
I feel for the ill child and the mum.I hope they are both ok and have received all the help they needed.

MarshaBradyo · 25/02/2020 18:38

Poor woman. The pancakes is a non issue and the Hoover. But what’s done is done. I hope she found someone else to help out.

WhiteBadger · 25/02/2020 18:38

Your not very intelligent if you would allow noisy kids in your house to interupt a call from someone to say get the footage for this because this has happened. You literally have no idea.

Oh the irony!!!

Anyway OP, you've had opinions now, most don't agree with you. So just walk away. Hide the bloody thread. Calm down. Don't let an Anonymous Internet forum wind you up.

Hide the thread, cuddle your kids and be glad they're not in hospital. Live and learn OP

And you have obviously been a lovely friend and made amends by asking how you can help tomorrow. Walk away from Mumsnet tonight.

BlueBirdGreenFence · 25/02/2020 18:40

You clearly started the thread wanting your guilty conscience soothed and are now unhappy others have confirmed you were being selfish. You're pissed off because you know yourself you could have helped if you really wanted. Own your actions, learn from it and move on.

ChickLitLover · 25/02/2020 18:44

YANBU.

We both work at home sometimes, my kids know they have to be quiet. Some kids are very noisy and misbehave so unless they were kids/parents I knew well I would have had to say no if we were working at home. I’d help out any parents I was friends with though as I know their kids would behave. I’d say no to anyone if I was having a period though as I can’t really look after my own kids at that time let alone anyone else’s.

You’re not obliged, don’t feel bad. I hope her child that was poorly is ok.

Grandmi · 25/02/2020 18:45

Have just skimmed this thread and am really shocked at the bitchy,bullying tone of most of the posters!!! Let’s hope their children are kinder to their school mates and are unaware as to how nasty their mothers/ fathers are to strangers on an anonymous forum !! OP hope you feel better and ignore the bullies!! You obviously know how many children you can safely manage...better to be safe than sorry.

Tonkerbea · 25/02/2020 18:45

Some overly harsh responses, but this is AIBU, so some posters think it's a free pass to stick the knife in.

OP could have helped, but didn't feel up to it, not overly kind but hardly evil. The children's father collected them- so the mum wasn't in absolute dire straits after all. All of you chastising OPs kindness levels, make sure your online words reflect your purported decency to others.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 25/02/2020 18:47

If your DH works from home a lot he must have an office or room that he sets up as an office. Couldn't he just go there and close the door?

Poetryinaction · 25/02/2020 18:48

The period problem seems to have escalated since the first post. If you really are very poorly, poorly enough not to be able to collect your own kids, you would need to have something in place. Like your dh walking to pick the kids up instead. He would have to explain how poorly you are.
If not, I can't see how taking home 2 more kids when you are already walking home makes that much difference. And really, enough pancakes for 2 kids takes 1 egg, and a little bit of milk and flour, which you probably have in. You could ask a neighbour for an egg if you or dh honestly can't get to a shop.
I wouldn't hesitate to help in these circumstances.

buckeejit · 25/02/2020 18:50

Yabu. If I had to ask someone for help in a crisis, I'd be upset if they fobbed me off with a shit excuse

Waspnest · 25/02/2020 18:51

I think the pancake issue has put peoples backs up. I don't know if you were BU or not really. Personally when my DD was at Primary school I only had the phone numbers of people I knew quite well and vice versa so for someone to be able to contact me would mean I would probably help if I could because they would be a friend of sorts.

However, I had anaemia last year and just getting through the day felt like wading through treacle. It's only now after 6 months of high strength iron tablets that I realise just how shit and cbad I really felt. And having only 1 DC means that the idea of looking after 3 would fill me with horror. Hope you feel better soon.

Sickofrain · 25/02/2020 18:54

You were not kind op.

Mittens030869 · 25/02/2020 18:57

I think the excuses you gave were lame (not having hoovered and wanting to do pancakes??). If you're really feeling that bad, why didn't you just say so rather than telling a fib about it?

I also don't get your reasoning about your heavy periods. I suffered horribly with heavy bleeding for years until a D&C solved it for me. But in the situation you're describing, I'd much rather have brought the kids home and switched on the TV for them than taken them to the park for half an hour. (At my worst, my knickers and jeans would have been completely flooded with blood by the time I'd got back home.)

You haven't done yourself any favours by bringing up trivial reasons for not being able to cope with 2 extra boys, then talking about your heavy bleeding. And the fact that you couldn't just say to this mum, who was clearly desperate, the real reason why you didn't want to help her and instead lied about it suggests that you knew it wouldn't sound good and we're worried about what other people would think of you.