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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To of told a lie to not collect her kids

627 replies

Guiltybutstuck · 25/02/2020 14:02

I feel really guilty. A mum I speak to at the gates sent me a message an hour ago. Her youngest was being sent into hospital with a bad chest and she asked if I could possibly pick her two boys up from school. One is in my son's class and the other is older. I don't particularly know these kids other than if we walk up the road with them.

When I read the message the first thing I thought was we have a mile walk home and I don't think I can cope with a toddler and 3 kids with bags and drink bottles and coats etc. They all strip off and Chuck their bags on the pushchairs etc after school.

Also I'm having a really bad period. It's heavy and I'm already in a sweat about school run leaking. I am under the Dr for this and currently getting help and having scans etc. The thought of needing to dart to the loo with other peoples kids here that I don't know is a bit tricky.

My partner's working home today so needs the quiet.

Also it's pancake Day and I have only got enough for us four. My kids will need feeding around 5ish. There will be no telling when they will get back.

Also I would of needed to do abit of a mad hoover and tidy before the school run which I really cba doing today.

I said we were at my sister's tonight so wouldnt be going home. I did say I could nip them to a park for half hour to give them time to come back.

I feel so guilty. I just wasn't prepared and I don't really know them.

Am I a cow for not being more helpful? I was surprised I was the choice of help too.

OP posts:
Bagofoldbones · 25/02/2020 17:59

You actually remind me of my cousin -

No one helps me so why should I help others...

littlemissminor · 25/02/2020 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FairNotFair · 25/02/2020 18:00

I think people should lay off a bit, OP is clearly struggling. Not everyone is in a position to offer help all of the time

I agree. I know it's AIBU, but there's no need for this much bile Confused

T1redmum · 25/02/2020 18:01

I don’t normally post on here, but your post made me very sad. My DC spends a lot of time in hospital, I know how horrible it must be for that mum right now. You say that your eldest was also hospitalised recently, so I’m guessing you have some idea how scared and desperate the other mum is currently feeling too. The fact that, despite this, you didn’t agree to help her, shows you must be in a very bad place right now. I hope you get the support you need for that Flowers

namechangetheworld · 25/02/2020 18:03

*It’s always ok to say no. And no is a complete sentence!

Jesus, I know this is an MN favourite but can you even imagine what sort of dick you’d look if someone with a sick child asks you to mind her other kids and you just respond with “no.”*

God yes. No matter our opinions on whether the OP was BU or not, I think we can all agree that a white lie was much more sensitive than just saying no and the other MN favourite 'That doesn't work for us.'

Bikerider2020 · 25/02/2020 18:03

Yabu, and you quite frankly sound awful

^^this!

Also why come on AIBU and ask, then get told yes YABU and constantly demand you're not and be rude?

I would've helped the other mother out, none of reasons seem valid TBH.

ScarlettBlaize · 25/02/2020 18:03

You were going to feed two adults and two children pancake mix out of a bottle for dinner?

Ohdeariedear · 25/02/2020 18:04

@Guiltybutstuck, I was in your shoes a year ago - anaemic, heavy periods, confining myself to the house for the first two days each month, dead on my feet with tiredness etc. YA definitely NBU.

HaddawayAndShite · 25/02/2020 18:06

I'm sorry OP but you're making yourself look worse with each update. Look, obviously people can do what they want, and some people have a fair opinion that you're not under obligation to help anyone, which us true of course. But your excuses....

Bad period and recovering from a bad case of anemia
As I asked before, how are you able to walk to school and take them to the park for 30 minutes but can't sit them in front of a TV for a few hours? You say they would be SCREAMING the house down... tell them not to then? They're children!

Not knowing the kids. Never even had a cup of tea with their mum.
But you have her number? And she feels able to ask for help in an emergency? And you know her kids have scooters and strip off on the way home apparently? You say you care about the emergency situation so you probably know here on some level at least.

*Never met their dad either. - As above.

No times or plans given for how long and who would take over
I can't have them overnight
These are really the only points you are not be unreasonable about. Did you actually ask her about this? Did she ASK to have them overnight or is this just an assumption? Couldn't this have been clarified?

Husbands working here today and needs a fairly quiet house.
He does security at events. A bit of noise is not the life or death situation that you're making out. I'm an events manager and often speaking to people on a noisy site / background noise. It sounds awfully precious. And how are these children suddenly going to create mass chaos that your little darlings aren't?

Happens to be pancakes but not enough tea to go around.
So explain that to the kids? Or to yours and promise them pancakes tomorrow?

Could do with a tidy up before letting the adults in to collect later.
I'm sure they couldn't give a fuck if you need to do a hoover. It was an emergency.

I'm sorry but the majority of people on this thread can see that is all they are, they are not genuine reasons not to help someone in an emergency, but excuses as to why you would rather not. You're under no obligation to help anyone, but trying to convince everyone that YOU'VE got it tough in this situation... nah.

ilovesooty · 25/02/2020 18:06

It wasn't a "white lie". It was a lie.

diddl · 25/02/2020 18:08

"Although he might preferred to stay at hospital with his ,sick baby and worried partner."

Then he can find someone to enable him to do that!

Leaannb · 25/02/2020 18:09

@Bikerider2020 OP is not being mean or unreasonable to not watch a bunch of kids she doesn’t know well. She isn’t obligated just become some stranger asked her too. It was poor choice on the mother’s part even more so. Why would you ask a near stranger to watch your kids EVER?

DotForShort · 25/02/2020 18:09

Of course you were being unreasonable. Extremely unreasonable. I'm surprised you even had to ask.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 25/02/2020 18:11

It’s always ok to say no. And no is a complete sentence!

That attitude is fine for people who constantly make cheeky requests it's definitely not OK for someone who has had to rush with their child into hospital. Have some empathy!

Bluerussian · 25/02/2020 18:12

Op, I've just re-read the thread because I'd forgotten bits of it. Your husband is working from home and couldn't even take a little time out to pick up the children when you are in such a bad way? Ridiculous that he didn't especially as you have to walk a mile each way. He certainly sounds like a prize. Another thing he could have done is go to a corner shop to buy more pancake ingredients! Or you could have cooked fish fingers and chips, I'm sure you have those in the freezer.

Regarding your heavy periods, I had those - each lasting seventeen days with flooding. I put up with them for about four years and then went to a gynaecologist. I was given a month's course of tablets and it all cleared up. Of course your problem may not be the same as mine but do badger the gynae bods to do something to help you quickly, that is so debilitating.

Forget this thread now, op, I'm sure you've learned from it but do look at your husband in a different light; I presume he takes time out from working at home to eat and go to the loo, he could take a little time to help you. Had he been picking up your children I doubt the woman would have approached him to look after hers. Don't be a mug.

If he has such an important job, can he not buy you a car or can you not drive his? If you are not a driver, a course of lessons would be in order.

There are cabs.

Bikerider2020 · 25/02/2020 18:13

@Leaannb please do tell me how many "strangers" numbers you have in your phone? Do you file them under stranger one, stranger two.....

The other mother is NOT a stranger, OP knows the kids, she knows they have scooters, strip off etc

And MY opinion is that she was mean and could've helped out.

So don't tell me how to think!

DavetheCat2001 · 25/02/2020 18:13

I feel so guilty. I just wasn't prepared and I don't really know them

Am I a cow for not being more helpful?

I think you know the answer to your own questions above.

Stop arguing with everyone and take responsibility for your own decision. You're never obliged to do anything in life. Own it.

paperpens · 25/02/2020 18:13

People, it's good to be kind......
We all have problems but sometimes it's nice to just say yes. Yes, I can help.
It makes the world of difference on a tough day for the person who needs help.

Bluerussian · 25/02/2020 18:14

Guiltybutstuck Tue 25-Feb-20 17:29:07
My husband has collected my child the last few weeks when he can. Today he's doing something at work and he is unable to stop whilst he has people on site ringing him. He can't just tell people in London he's going on the school run and he will help them in an hour.
...
Yes he can and I doubt it would take an hour.

All he has to say is he will not be available between certain times.

TwitcherOfCurtains · 25/02/2020 18:15

How can you feed 2 adults and 2 children enough to satisfy them from one bottle of pancake mix? Is it like the MN chicken?Confused

FrankieDoyle · 25/02/2020 18:16

I think YABU and extremely defensive. Not sure why you posted if you just want people to agree with you.

Bagofoldbones · 25/02/2020 18:16

Maybe it’s just a sign of the times of how disengaged we are becoming as I know in my grandmothers day they regularly took children in and helped each other out. I think now we are edging to a culture of if it doesn’t benefit then the answer is no...

vikkimoog · 25/02/2020 18:17

why couldn't the kids have all the pancakes and you and husband have the chicken that you already have in.
then either buy something else for tomorrow or make a stir fry/ pasta/ risotto any one of a thousand things with leftover chicken for tomorrow?

Why do you need to have had coffee with the mum or have met the dad in order to have their kids round?

Bikerider2020 · 25/02/2020 18:17

How can you feed 2 adults and 2 children enough to satisfy them from one bottle of pancake mix? Is it like the MN chicken?

It bloody must be! Is it only in my house that the pancakes are served as a dessert not the main meal?

concernedforthefuture · 25/02/2020 18:20

I understand why you'd have been a bit hesitant- I would have been the same. I'm a serious introvert and the thought of entertaining a house of kids I don't know well makes me feel quite ill.

However, she's most likely asked you out of desperation (as you said you're not close friends). Her baby is seriously ill in hospital and she might have to leave him / her if she can't find someone to have her older kids. I'm sure you could have popped into the shop on the way home for extra pancake mix (or just fish fingers / a box of cakes - anything to feed them really) and popped the TV on for the kids to chill out. There was no need to make a special effort in the circumstances.

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