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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To of told a lie to not collect her kids

627 replies

Guiltybutstuck · 25/02/2020 14:02

I feel really guilty. A mum I speak to at the gates sent me a message an hour ago. Her youngest was being sent into hospital with a bad chest and she asked if I could possibly pick her two boys up from school. One is in my son's class and the other is older. I don't particularly know these kids other than if we walk up the road with them.

When I read the message the first thing I thought was we have a mile walk home and I don't think I can cope with a toddler and 3 kids with bags and drink bottles and coats etc. They all strip off and Chuck their bags on the pushchairs etc after school.

Also I'm having a really bad period. It's heavy and I'm already in a sweat about school run leaking. I am under the Dr for this and currently getting help and having scans etc. The thought of needing to dart to the loo with other peoples kids here that I don't know is a bit tricky.

My partner's working home today so needs the quiet.

Also it's pancake Day and I have only got enough for us four. My kids will need feeding around 5ish. There will be no telling when they will get back.

Also I would of needed to do abit of a mad hoover and tidy before the school run which I really cba doing today.

I said we were at my sister's tonight so wouldnt be going home. I did say I could nip them to a park for half hour to give them time to come back.

I feel so guilty. I just wasn't prepared and I don't really know them.

Am I a cow for not being more helpful? I was surprised I was the choice of help too.

OP posts:
gingergiraffe · 25/02/2020 17:42

Ingredients for a few pancakes? An egg, a bit of flour and some milk. Not an excuse really. The poor mum must have been in a right flap and I would not have hesitated to help out. The other poor children would also have been anxious and going home with a classmate would have taken their minds off the situation a bit. I think a bit of empathy required here.

5zeds · 25/02/2020 17:43

If you genuinely felt heavy period, smaller pancakes all round, and possible outing of unhoovered carpet were insurmountable you wouldn’t have made up the “going to your sisters lie”. You can do what you like but the vast majority would have chosen to help.

Stinkycatbreath · 25/02/2020 17:43

You sound like you are trying to justify your decision by lots of excuses you don't need to justify yourself but to be honest I would have collected her children you never know when you may need support in that way as well. Imagine how stressed she is feeling id like to think id help a fellow parent.

comingintomyown · 25/02/2020 17:43

Gosh I’m honestly Not sure what I would have done if I was asked to do that , I probably would have done it but not really because I wanted to to be honest.
What I wouldn’t have done was started a thread hoping people would let me off the hook, you feel bad and you know why and could surely predicted some of these responses

Original poster
Guiltybutstuck · 25/02/2020 17:44

@user1471449295

No love. My reasons were

Bad period and recovering from a bad case of anemia

Not knowing the kids. Never even had a cup of tea with their mum.

Never met their dad either.

No times or plans given for how long and who would take over.

I can't have them overnight

Husbands working here today and needs a fairly quiet house.

Happens to be pancakes but not enough tea to go around.

Could do with a tidy up before letting the adults in to collect later.

Just about have managed today by doing the essentials and collecting my own kid from school.

It's not because I can't wait to flip a pancake.

OP posts:
Marlouse · 25/02/2020 17:45

Oh, that poor woman. I hope her baby is ok.
I think you were very unkind en yabvvu. I really can’t understand why you posted here. You seem to not be in any doubt you were right to act like you did. I find you’re way of reacting towards posters is rude and unkind also.

SunsetYorks · 25/02/2020 17:45

You said you don’t know the kids but you have had her son many times!

Original poster
Guiltybutstuck · 25/02/2020 17:46

It was pancake mix in a shake bottle. Don't have any eggs or flour in until shopping

OP posts:
chuck7 · 25/02/2020 17:48

@Guiltybutstuck why did you even post?

Shinyletsbebadguys · 25/02/2020 17:48

OP you are missing the point , I don't disagree that you were ok to say no, it's entirely possible so would I. The point here is that you are looking for other people to say oh poor you , you did the right thing you have such a hard life.

It's not going to happen. I personally dont believe there is anything wrong with putting you and yours first if you need to but I don't then ask people to justify it , I don't need to. My decision is my decision.

Frankly i did something similar recently, a school mum i know has just had a premature baby (we have previously discussed how we behave both previously been through the scary scbu experience so she knows I know how it feels.) . I did offer vague help when I saw her but that was it. I could have done more, I could have offered direct help but I didn't because currently I simply dont have the space or time to help her out and not impact my family.

However I dont need any justification, I'm a grown up and I made a call, if I feel guilty then I accept that. Yes I probably am selfish , and yes I could do more but I decided not to. I dont ask for others to agree or justify my decision.

Frankly the passove aggressive " oh yes fine I am selfish and horrible" tells me why you need this validation. What does it matter? If you make a decision accept it , and accept you may feel a little selfish.

Stop asking for others to ease it

DM1209 · 25/02/2020 17:48

YABU and your excuses are pathetic but then I think you know that.
And you could have something else for dinner tonight and pancakes for JUST you and your children tomorrow.

This is what it's come to, beyond sad. I do and would have helped in a heartbeat! And I have no 'working at home DH', it's just me!

Rosebel · 25/02/2020 17:49

Although he might preferred to stay at hospital with his ,sick baby and worried partner.

Thoughtlessinengland · 25/02/2020 17:50

I have read all 13 pages and have no idea why the OP started a thread

formerbabe · 25/02/2020 17:50

Bad period and recovering from a bad case of anemia

You're doing the school run anyway...so whilst I sympathize I don't think an extra couple of kids will make it worse.

Not knowing the kids. Never even had a cup of tea with their mum.

They're just kids, Chuck the telly on and bung em a cup of squash.

Never met their dad either.

As above

No times or plans given for how long and who would take over.

Ask

I can't have them overnight

Explain that to her

Husbands working here today and needs a fairly quiet house.

It's a one off..tell kids to keep noise down

Happens to be pancakes but not enough tea to go around.

Cut up pancakes

Could do with a tidy up before letting the adults in to collect later.

Sod that. You'd be doing her a,favour...i doubt after taking her baby to hospital she'd really care.

Bagofoldbones · 25/02/2020 17:52

Guilty your posting on here because you feel guilty.

She was trying to take her child to the hospital. You should of helped her. YABU

Kanga83 · 25/02/2020 17:52

Believe me the adults wouldn't have cared jot about the state of your house, they would just have been happy their children were safe and warm with a classmate. I hope the baby is ok and I sincerely hope you never need a last minute favour from anyone.

ilovesooty · 25/02/2020 17:52

So why did you tell the lie about going to your sister's? If you didn't want to help her out what was so hard about the truth?

fruitbrewhaha · 25/02/2020 17:52

So why didn't you tell her you are unwell and unable to manage anymore kids. Why make up some bullshit about going to your sisters? And why the list of excuses like "I don't have enough pancake mix"? Just tell her the truth, you don't have to give the gory details, tell her you're anemic, and very unwell.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 25/02/2020 17:53

All this Be kind didn't last long, Did it. Op has her reasons (not excuses).
I've had periods before now where I ve literally been doubled over.
The way some of you are going on you 'd think she 'd drowned a kitten.

Dipi79 · 25/02/2020 17:54

I'm glad you feel guilty, as it was incredibly selfish not to have helped someone in that position. I hope you never find yourself in a position where you are desperate for help. And, in answer to your question, yes were a cow not to help.

AhNowTed · 25/02/2020 17:55

Bloody hell.

This was a genuine emergency.

Don't bother asking for any favours OP.

Hoovering... seriously 🙄

ilovesooty · 25/02/2020 17:55

@fruitbrewhaha exactly. I just don't understand why she couldn't just say she was too unwell. Why the lying ?

Gillian1980 · 25/02/2020 17:56

Sorry but I think YABU.

Of course you have no obligation to say yes to her, and it would have been tricky for you because of the reasons you’ve said.

However, I just can’t imagine saying no to a request like this. The woman clearly needed the help or she wouldn’t have asked someone she doesn’t know well.

I’d have found random food for tea or given the kids pancakes and adults have something else. Sod the housework! If necessary camp beds on the floor somewhere. I’m sure all those things can be managed for one afternoon / evening / night to help someone who is desperate!

But no, you didn’t HAVE to help.

ShirleyPhallus · 25/02/2020 17:57

It’s always ok to say no. And no is a complete sentence!

Jesus, I know this is an MN favourite but can you even imagine what sort of dick you’d look if someone with a sick child asks you to mind her other kids and you just respond with “no.”

Onetickettomars · 25/02/2020 17:57

Given the circumstances, I would have helped her. It wasn’t like she was running late at the hairdresser. It must have been an emergency. Your excuses seem pretty feeble, but obviously that’s your choice