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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To of told a lie to not collect her kids

627 replies

Guiltybutstuck · 25/02/2020 14:02

I feel really guilty. A mum I speak to at the gates sent me a message an hour ago. Her youngest was being sent into hospital with a bad chest and she asked if I could possibly pick her two boys up from school. One is in my son's class and the other is older. I don't particularly know these kids other than if we walk up the road with them.

When I read the message the first thing I thought was we have a mile walk home and I don't think I can cope with a toddler and 3 kids with bags and drink bottles and coats etc. They all strip off and Chuck their bags on the pushchairs etc after school.

Also I'm having a really bad period. It's heavy and I'm already in a sweat about school run leaking. I am under the Dr for this and currently getting help and having scans etc. The thought of needing to dart to the loo with other peoples kids here that I don't know is a bit tricky.

My partner's working home today so needs the quiet.

Also it's pancake Day and I have only got enough for us four. My kids will need feeding around 5ish. There will be no telling when they will get back.

Also I would of needed to do abit of a mad hoover and tidy before the school run which I really cba doing today.

I said we were at my sister's tonight so wouldnt be going home. I did say I could nip them to a park for half hour to give them time to come back.

I feel so guilty. I just wasn't prepared and I don't really know them.

Am I a cow for not being more helpful? I was surprised I was the choice of help too.

OP posts:
Arthritica · 25/02/2020 17:29

Regardless of whether or not it was reasonable, you were certainly unkind.

She’s local to you, her kids go to school with yours, she’s a member of your community and she’s in distress. She must be worried sick about her baby.

Maybe YABU, maybe YANBU. But you certainly lack compassion.

Nonnymum · 25/02/2020 17:30

calls at home and it would be completely inappropriate to have children screaming in the background.
My husband is making professional calls at the moment. He is upstairs my preschool grandchildren (who are not currently screaming but sometimes do! ) are downstairs. He is not disturbed.
Also I used to work in an open plan office it was sometime noisy so there was often background noise when making phone calls. Noone complained.

HeadachesByTheDozen · 25/02/2020 17:30

You can easily have the kids playing outside, or even in one of the kid's bedrooms, that way they would not be near DH making phone calls. Or play in the park.

So many options.

RuggerHug · 25/02/2020 17:31

YABU. I say that as someone with horrific anaemia and knows the exhaustion. You stick on a film, improvise for the dinner and if they're still there at bed time 'surprise sleepover!' on the couchs for those 2. She wasn't off getting pissed, it was a genuine emergency.

LettertoHermoine · 25/02/2020 17:31

Ok Hermione. Absolutely nothing would stop you doing a good deed. Do you wear a cape

God no! I am far from a do gooder or a super hero but would I help a desperate mother out by taking her 2 kids home from school when she rushes to hospital with a sick child?? Every bloody time!

CrysantheMummy · 25/02/2020 17:31

YABU but also YANBU, there isn't a clear cut line... What's done is done and if you feel guilty it's probably a sign that you should've helped. The only thing you can do now is a) message her tomorrow to ask if there's anything you can do/ insist you help in some way or b) make sure to help the next time something similar happens to another mum

TwitcherOfCurtains · 25/02/2020 17:32

He can't just tell people in London he's going on the school run and he will help them in an hour

An hour to drive a 45 mins walk?Hmm He could've collected them in the time it would take him to make himself a drink and nip to the loo, which are things I assume he does even when working.

Anonmouse1 · 25/02/2020 17:32

Why did you even post this if you're clearly unwilling to accept anyone saying that you were being unreasonable? Which btw you were being massively unreasonable.

HeadachesByTheDozen · 25/02/2020 17:32

he is unable to stop whilst he has people on site ringing him.

So he doesn't even have the legally allowed/required afternoon tea break?

he's going on the school run and he will help them in an hour.

10 mins each way in the car. How do you get one hour?

Kanga83 · 25/02/2020 17:33

Having been in the position regularly where my child is taken to hospital and I literally have no one else nearby i can ask, yes I would say YABU. I hate having to ask school mums to pick up my other child last minute etc but in my desperate need to get one to hospital and know the other is safe until my husband can get back from work is one less thing to worry about.

Original poster
Guiltybutstuck · 25/02/2020 17:33

Ok it's a mile away! But when you drive it. Through the traffic of other people also driving. It takes frigging ages! Also carseats!!! How is he meant to bring home three children who legally need car seats. Another thing. He struggles to have breaks. But he doesn't take them when he's on the phone setting up something with an engineer. He works hard. He does not let me struggle. I have to get on with it sometimes. Simple.

OP posts:
user1471449295 · 25/02/2020 17:33

Her baby has been admitted into to hospital and you said no because of period, pancakes and hoovering?
YABU and unkind. She must have been desperate. Let’s hope you are never in that position

22Giraffes · 25/02/2020 17:35

Yanbu op and you are getting a ridiculously hard time on here. Contrary to what's been said its not always easy to look after other people's kids, especially ones you don't know well. They may not just sit there and watch a film quietly Hmm what happens if they become distressed asking for their mum? (seeing as they don't know you!)

Yes this is an emergency situation but you have the right to decline for any reason you wish. I'm guessing it would be very stressful for you, and those who think you're declining on the basis of pancakes and hoovering might be being somewhat obtuse.

Original poster
Guiltybutstuck · 25/02/2020 17:35

10 minutes to get there.
5 minutes to park somewhere
2 minutes to walk to the gate
5 minutes for them to come out.
2 minutes back to the car
Strap kids in
Join huge line of traffic from two schools pulling out onto the main road. 15 minutes on a good day. 25 on a bad!

OP posts:
chuck7 · 25/02/2020 17:35

Your reasons to not help are weak tbh. I couldn't have said no in those circumstances, she must have been desperate to ask.

RuggerHug · 25/02/2020 17:36

Oh and you tell them to be quite when he's on the phone or keep them in another room with the door closed. It's not rocket science or any other highly important job for only smart people.

OP, honestly it's the refusing to see things from the other side that's making you look bad, not saying No in a moment of panic.

Sagradafamiliar · 25/02/2020 17:36

I think people should lay off a bit, OP is clearly struggling. Not everyone is in a position to offer help all of the time.
Hope you're feeling better soon, stuck Flowers

Welshmaenad · 25/02/2020 17:37

I'm a single working parent, I'm frequently back and forth to hospital and my parents are dead. Occasionally I've had a real emergency and have had to text a school mum for a favour. It's a last resort and I hate asking for help but sometimes I just have to. I'm very lucky that said school mums are lovely and supportive and always willing to help and know return I will do favours for them if needed.

I think you were really mean to lie and not help given that she's taking her baby to hospital. I sincerely hope you never need any help from anyone.

namechangetheworld · 25/02/2020 17:38

I would have lied too OP. Lots of very kind people on this thread but it's really not your responsibility.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/02/2020 17:40

yes Wouldn’t have hurt to help But if feeling
Poorly understandable why said no

Assume you don’t drive or could have left toddler with dad and gone quickly

Trying2310 · 25/02/2020 17:41

All your excuses sound a bit lame and all focused on how you would be inconvenienced. The poor woman is probably beside herself having to ask someone she doesn't know that well. I know from experience how stressful multiple hospital admissions with a small child and no family nearby can be.
I hope you don't find yourself in such difficult circumstances with your DC and people find ridiculous excuses like their house isn't tidy so they can't help you. YABU

ShesCurly · 25/02/2020 17:41

OK. You asked AIBU.

Lots of people said yes you are. You disagree. That's fine. I don't know why you asked but hey ho.

Now you are just being aggressive and sarcy to people.

Nobody forced you to start a thread.

You chose to do so and you chose what details to share in your original post and which to omit.

You aren't getting what you wanted from this thread and people have to agree to disagree in life.

It's done now, arguing with people and being sarcastic and patronising saying people have no idea isn't helping your cause.

I hope the mum and her baby are OK and glad to hear they sorted something out.

Everything is sorted now. Chill.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 25/02/2020 17:42

Yanbu. It's ok to know your limitations.

diddl · 25/02/2020 17:42

"it's really not your responsibility."

No, especially as the other parent was able to fetch & look after his own kids!

Maryann1975 · 25/02/2020 17:42

I hope you never need a favour OP. I would have helped her in these circumstances, you never know when you might need a hand in the future and I would prefer To know that I have people around me who can help in an emergency. When I clicked this thread, I thought this was going to be a really CF thread with you telling us your neighbour expects you to pick up her dc every day while she meets friends for coffee or something equally unimportant. If you don’t know her that well, I imagine she didn’t ask you lightly and has really struggled to find some one to ask. If you have a willing family support network around you, it is impossible to imagine how hard it is to have an emergency and no one you can call on to help.