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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance

151 replies

YeahWhatevver · 25/02/2020 08:26

My Grandmother passed away about 6 months ago. Her estate is probably worth 200k, split 3 ways between my DM and her 2 sisters.

My DM has said all along that she and DF don't need the money, they're retired and are fairly open about how comfortable they are etc. They've said that DM's share would get split equally between me and DBro. ~35k each. I've not misunderstood this, it's been talked about several times between us all. DBro is planning on using it for a deposit to move house and we are going to put it into our mortgage.

Heard last night that DF and DM (DF mainly is suspect as he's a miserable old curmudgeon) have decided that they'd like a new car, a holiday of a life time and to do some home improvements and that they're not sure how much will be left to give us when all is done.

I know this isn't my money and that it's theirs to give but AIBU to be really gutted about this change of heart? DBro especially has had the rug pulled out from under him, he has 2 pre school kids and had really begun to think about a new bigger house, checking school catchments etc.

OP posts:
Dowser · 25/02/2020 13:17

People are still mixing up inheritance and promises
Ops situation has nothing to do with the inheritance
That’s all been sorted through the will
This is all to do with a promise, which because a legal contract was not drawn up some people think it’s fine to go back on your word.

I can’t Understand why some posters think that’s an ok thing to do.
Surely they don’t live their lives like that?
That just causes hurt and pain especially in families .

Original poster
YeahWhatevver · 25/02/2020 13:25

Dad wants a new electric car, they've been looking at kitchens and are planning to go to Australia and NZ in the Autumn for an extended break

I totally accept its their money and if they'd not mentioned it I'd be really happy for them but they've known for 6 months how this would be put to use by us, they were really pleased that I'd be knocking years off my mortgage and that DBro and his family would get a step up onto the property ladder because of it. Just thinking ahead to when I'm retired I just don't know how they can think this would be taken by us.

Such is life though

OP posts:
Original poster
YeahWhatevver · 25/02/2020 13:27

Thinking ahead to when I'm retired and my children are in a similar position I mean...

OP posts:
Original poster
YeahWhatevver · 25/02/2020 13:31

if they want if for a nice holiday and a new car I'm assuming they are not that well off already

I think they're pretty well off. 4/5 hols a year, at least 1 long haul. Been mortgage free for at least 20 years, new car every 3 years. Etc.

I think its maybe that all (most) of their money is tied up in investments etc DM did mention that having a single lump sum of this magnitude in her account was odd

OP posts:
5foot5 · 25/02/2020 13:35

My DM has said all along that she and DF don't need the money, they're retired and are fairly open about how comfortable they are etc.

Do your parents own their own house? If so then you will probably get a share in that one day.

I get that you are disappointed. However, I can envisage a situation where their initial reaction might be "Oh yes, we have everything we want so you can have it." But then as they have time to think they realize this could well be the only chance they have to get that nice car, new kitchen, fantastic trip.

Original poster
YeahWhatevver · 25/02/2020 13:36

But was it really definitely promised or was it more sort of idle chatter?

explicitly offered "we don't need it so whatever comes from your Gran's estate we'll split between you both"

OP posts:
Likefootball · 25/02/2020 13:42

You should be happy that they are using this money for their own enjoyment. It won't do them any good to leave it to you.
You shouldn't rely on money like this to fund your mortgage.

Bluegrass · 25/02/2020 14:22

What sort of a fucker would tell their kids they were going to give them a life changing sum of money and then just change their mind!

You’re supposed to be able to trust your parents implicitly. I’d be devastated if mine treated me like this. Absolutely fine to keep the money and enjoy it, it’s what I’d encourage mine to do in that position. But if they told me they were going to pass on a sum of money like this and then just changed their mind on a whim I’d lose a huge amount of trust and respect for them.

That’s a deeply shitty move.

mantarays · 25/02/2020 14:50

we don't need it so whatever comes from your Gran's estate we'll split between you both"

Okay, that’s frustrating but it’s not some sort of irrevocable promise. I get that you’re disappointed but life is full of disappointments and I think in order to avoid feeling down about this in the long-term, you probably have to make a conscious decision to draw a line and move on.

Disfordarkchocolate · 25/02/2020 17:06

I'd move on easily enough but this would impact how much I trusted my parents.

DishingOutDone · 25/02/2020 17:54

Why are so many posters being deliberately obtuse? Of course its their money who said it wasn't?!

Of course they can light a bonfire with £20 notes to keep if they so desire, these poor elderly pensioners who only want a holiday in NZ and an electric car ... we KNOW all that, but why in the name of holy fuck would you be so utterly stupid and selfish as to think you could offer the money to your kids (or anyone else really), string them along then 6 months down the line say ah you idiots actually it was just an hilarious joke - ha ha ha - surely you didn't really think we'd give you the cash we promised did ya eh?

UYScuti · 25/02/2020 18:00

have they always lacked in empathy and insight OP?

Ayemama · 25/02/2020 18:43

That's a pretty shit thing to do to you and your DB, its gona be hard to see how this wont negatively effect your relationship with DP.

Supersimkin2 · 25/02/2020 18:43

It's not good news however you look at it OP. Your parents are not the people you thought they were, let alone the parents you had hoped existed.

The only upside to people who weaken family ties is that they're the ones who end up needing them most. Shame, that.

Dowser · 25/02/2020 18:55

Nice to hear from you Op .
I suppose at this point there’s not a lot you can do but suck it up ...but I can fully understand your disappointment.
Those electric cars are very expensive, new kitchens don’t come cheap and a dream trip to Australia and New Zealand will cost a pretty penny...

Such a shame this wasn’t all thought through, before they played ‘lady bountiful’. And raised your hopes at the thought of an easier present.

Im Sure they will make redress to you in their will but of course there’s all kinds of obstacles to overcome first, possible care home fees, possible inheritance tax etc

In the meantime I hope once you’ve got over your disappointment your relationship won’t suffer. It’s going too take some work I feel.

PicsInRed · 25/02/2020 19:20

Your parents are those sort of people who make wild promises, take all the thanks and gratitude and kudos and feel like amazing benefactors ... then dont follow though and leave other people in the lurch. They happily accepted years of thanks and gratitude from you then failed to do the very thing which it was all for.

This is a pretty big let down and breach of trust. I would trust them a lot less, wouldnt rely on them at all and would probably have at least a period of low contact.

What were they like otherwise as parents? Have they been generally selfish and/or let you and your brother down? Is one worse than the other and one "goes along" with it?

4Smalls · 25/02/2020 19:34

Don't know if anyone else has suggested this, but have you thought of asking them why they changed their mind and explaining that, as it was promised, you and your brother had been counting on it? Rather than just fuming silently it might help to discuss it with them?

Or not?

If it were my parents I'd do this - if only to guilt trip them and dampen their enjoyment of their wretched holiday and new car!

TheWordWomanIsTaken · 25/02/2020 20:10

I appreciate that they are your parents but I think that they have behaved disgracefully tbh.
I could never ever imagine doing that to my children and then hoping to have a respectful relationship with them thereafter.
I honestly don't know how they will enjoy any of their 'spoils' knowing what they promised.
I hope it doesn't do too much damage to your relationship with them.
And as for Mantarays, I'm hoping I don't know you in real life. Do you employ the mantra of a promise not being a contract in all walks of life? Like do you tell others at work that you will do something and then not bother and shrug your shoulders?
I couldn't live like that.

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 25/02/2020 22:50

There's a similar arrangement in my family - all inheritance from GP split equally between the offspring, but with the spoken (not written!) agreement that some will be passed on to GC.

They're still alive (good genes, modern medicine and a large dose of luck!) but I've always made my financial plans on the basis that the inheritance will be eaten up in care costs or similar, and that inheriting anything more than some furniture and sentimental items would be a bonus.

However, if I had been explicitly told after the death that I would be receiving £X, had been allowed to make financial plans around it, and had then had the rug pulled out from under me at the last minute I, too, would be very upset (unless it was due to an unexpected, major change in the named beneficiary's circumstances). It's not about the money, it's about the promise, being allowed to make plans around it, and then seeing parents change their mind on a whim and use it for luxuries.

CanNotSeeTheWoodForTheTrees · 25/02/2020 23:10

My parents started talking about giving us some inheritance about a year ago. It was talked about a lot.

They did follow through with gifting us with the money but I'd always had at the back of my mind it wouldn't be mine until it was actually in the bank.

However, I'd have been gutted if they had changed their mind. It's a bit cruel and unkind to raise the expectation of others.

They shouldn't have said anything at all.

UYScuti · 25/02/2020 23:10

Yes it's about being strung along just so that she could play lady bountiful, basking the gratitude and then whisking away the money without even an acknowledgement that they had gone back on their word or that it was cruel to have dangled this bauble in front of you as if you're just a pet that can be teased for her amusement
I would never trust her again

jonesss · 25/02/2020 23:53

I think it's unfair of them to let you and your DBro believe you would be given the inheritance and make plans based upon this. It's odd that they've gone from giving it all away to giving none away vs just taking a little out. I suspect it's due to the fact that they've never had a lump sum before.

Meaniebobeanie · 26/02/2020 00:33

So once it was in their account they just thought, blow that we are keeping what we want and you'll basically be lucky to get anything. Of course it's their money but like you said if they never offered you be happy for them. That was a really mean thing to do they where very foolish for offering it so prematurely. They should of never of made such promises. I would find it difficult to trust after this.

SnoozyLou · 26/02/2020 00:37

I completely understand them wanting to spend the money on those things, as it is DM's money, provided that's what she wants to do.

But bearing in mind it sounds like there won't be any money left, telling you they were going to give it to you then taking it away again was a shitty thing to do.

I wouldn't say anything, but it's definitely shitty. You don't make promises like that then take them away again 6 months down the line just because you've changed your mind.

WineAndTiramisu · 26/02/2020 14:54

@Leaannb
I will not be leaving my children anything. The majority of our estate will be Juvenile Diabetes research and to the March of Dimes. They will get nothing. They know this and are supportive of this

That's fine though, the comparable situation wouldn't been promising them an exact amount, then leaving it all to charity, which is a shitty thing to do.

Yes your parents are entitled to do whatever they like with the inheritance, but I'd struggle to trust them again, it's a really unfair thing to do to both of you, especially for an electric car and a holiday!