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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance

151 replies

YeahWhatevver · 25/02/2020 08:26

My Grandmother passed away about 6 months ago. Her estate is probably worth 200k, split 3 ways between my DM and her 2 sisters.

My DM has said all along that she and DF don't need the money, they're retired and are fairly open about how comfortable they are etc. They've said that DM's share would get split equally between me and DBro. ~35k each. I've not misunderstood this, it's been talked about several times between us all. DBro is planning on using it for a deposit to move house and we are going to put it into our mortgage.

Heard last night that DF and DM (DF mainly is suspect as he's a miserable old curmudgeon) have decided that they'd like a new car, a holiday of a life time and to do some home improvements and that they're not sure how much will be left to give us when all is done.

I know this isn't my money and that it's theirs to give but AIBU to be really gutted about this change of heart? DBro especially has had the rug pulled out from under him, he has 2 pre school kids and had really begun to think about a new bigger house, checking school catchments etc.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 25/02/2020 08:59

I agree with PP that the issue isn’t the money, it’s the promise of the money.

They shouldn’t have created an expectation if they wanted to keep their options open. If they had said that they wanted to do some things with the money and if there was anything left they would split it between you, none of this would have arisen.

Dowser · 25/02/2020 09:01

But they promised mantarays
A promise is a promise
Only unsuspecting events break a promise
This is not the case

Luckystar20 · 25/02/2020 09:02

From you're op I get the impression they are still going to give you something just not the amount you were expecting, I dont blame they taking so much from the amount for themselves and then give the reminding between you and you're dbro. It sounds like you and you're dbro are already on the property ladder so it's not as if you're stuck renting and maybe they have come to that conclusion that you dont need another 35k on top of that, which is a considerable amount. If you're grandmother wanted to have you in the will she would have declared it, if you so much it's better than what you started with.

recrudescence · 25/02/2020 09:06

If your parents do not pass on what was promised then they will have behaved very badly and, in those circumstances, I would tell them that. However, there is a lesson to be learned about making plans for spending inheritance: just don’t. And bear this in mind for the, hopefully distant, future when you lose your own parents.

HillAreas · 25/02/2020 09:06

If you can’t trust your parents then who on this earth can you trust?
I’d be really hurt by this. It’s especially cruel to your dBro. They are selfish, fickle people.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/02/2020 09:06

YANBU for being gutted.

mantarays · 25/02/2020 09:07

Dowser

Not meaning to be rude, but are you serious? A promise isn’t actually binding. It’s poor form to break it but they can if they wish. Plus, did they actually promise at all?

Ghoulestofmums · 25/02/2020 09:08

This rings such bells. When DF died he naturally left everything to his wife (my womb donor - can’t say the usual). I’m an only child and it was taken for granted by WF that she’d leave everything to me. However she went nc with me and, as she was perfectly entitled to do, cut me out completely and left everything to my DS (also an only child). I was thrilled he’d got it as he needs it and I most definitely don’t and also he’d have felt really bad accepting it from me. What hurt so very much and still does when I think about it is that 90% of the money she had to leave had come from my adored DF and to be cut off felt that he was rejecting me. My head says that’s nonsense but my heart said otherwise .

dognamedspot · 25/02/2020 09:12

It's not really about inheritance is it? They didn't say that they'd leave you this £35k in their will. They said that they would give you the money. I could understand if you were relying on inheriting after their deaths, but you're not. You're expecting to be given a gift that you were promised. Of course I'd let them know how I felt. I'd try to do it without emotion, but I would have to sit down and tell them that I felt very let down to be promised such a wonderful gift and then have it taken away.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 25/02/2020 09:15

This is tricky.. they will get a new car, a holiday, improvements to their home etc, at the expense of the good relationship they have with their kids. Everything will be strained.. what a shame.

Lippy1234 · 25/02/2020 09:15

YANBU to be disappointed.

diddl · 25/02/2020 09:16

Well I can see it's disappointing but they intend to treat themselves & still give you something.

And what a way to speak about your Dad!

LittleDragonGirl · 25/02/2020 09:18

YANBU, but ultimately it's their inheritance to spend as they wish. If they hadn't previously mentioned splitting it between the children then I would say YABU to expect some, but I can see how having the rug pulled would be upsetting specially when theres younger children who would have benefitted, and it's quite mean to keep up the pretense of the money right until the last moment, specially when it was being used by Dbro to benefit young children.

Ultimately theres nothing you can do about it, but I would expect your DM to understand that both of you are going to be upset, even if it dosent change their decision. You've got to remember she has lost her mother, and this is the only positive she has out of a hugely sad situation.

userabcname · 25/02/2020 09:21

If you were just hoping they'd give you the money then I'd say YABU. The fact they told you that was happening and have now gone back on their word is shit. YANBU.

GinDrinker00 · 25/02/2020 09:22

YABU. It wasn’t your money, just because someone said something doesn’t mean they won’t have a change of heart.

ChuckleBuckles · 25/02/2020 09:22

YANBU to feel hurt, I would be too OP. Cowbag that I am I would also be suggesting to dear old mum and dad that they should be stashing the cash for care home fees when they get older.

GinDrinker00 · 25/02/2020 09:23

Also can’t blame them not wanting to give you money.. when you talk about your dad like that!

Lippy1234 · 25/02/2020 09:24

That’s a good point that if the GM wanted the GC to inherit some of her money she would have left it to them. I hadn’t thought of that.

Dowser · 25/02/2020 09:25

Dowser

Not meaning to be rude, but are you serious? A promise isn’t actually binding. It’s poor form to break it but they can if they wish. Plus, did they actually promise at all?

Yes mantarays, I am most definitely being serious. My word is my bond. If I say I will do something for someone I move heaven and earth to do it.

Likewise if someone asks me to do something and I feel I can’t give it 100 per cent commitment, then I say no.
I expect the same from other people.
If I promised to sp,it that amount between my two children I would deliver and I would buy the new car, holiday etc from my ‘comfortable existence’ which is what op sated in the beginning.

dottiedodah · 25/02/2020 09:28

I think they are being rather fickle .It seems strange that a few months ago they had enough spare money to live on ,and let you and DB make plans for the future based on an expectation of an inheritance .To pull the rug from under you seems cruel ,and ill judged to me .Have their circumstances changed at all do you think ? Maybe DM had the idea first and DF has never really been on board . Are they as well off as it appears ?Why did they not buy a new car, or go on a dream holiday before if that was the case .Money sadly brings out the worst in people it seems .Obviously Inheritances cannot be relied on totally ,but to be promised and then renage on the deal smacks of self importance and entitlement to me .

Dowser · 25/02/2020 09:29

I think it’s still possible to call your DF a miserable curmudgeon..land still love him and be respectful to him.
I feel op said that quite lighthearted

Dowser · 25/02/2020 09:34

Lippy grandma did what she wanted with her money. She left it to her three children
It’s what one of her children did next that’s caused this problem.

Really, she should’ve said nothing. Got the money , treated themselves and then helped you and your brother.
Thank goodness my mum included my kids in her will. Even so I would not have kept my good fortune all to myself

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 25/02/2020 09:36

I think it's quite cruel to make an offer like that (without being asked) and then retract it. The brother especially will have seen a way to improve his life and the lives of his family and now that hope has been taken away. I would be very upset.

To my knowledge, I have never met OP's father but she has presumably known him all her life. If she says he is a "miserable old curmudgeon" then he may well be. It's hardly shocking language and the faux outrage is a little silly.

Zenithbear · 25/02/2020 09:38

They're mean and untrustworthy to break their promise.
Makes me wonder if your parents are using promises of money to make sure you stay dutiful. They have plenty of money and let you know about it and then promise money but change their mind but still are 'hoping' there's some left.
I know a few people who use promises of money to control relatives into doing what they want. Two sisters I know fell out because their grandparents had them competing over who did the most for them would inherit their money. The grandparents spent the lot and the sisters both ended up with nothing.
Never rely on an inheritance until it's in your bank account.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 25/02/2020 09:40

And what a way to speak about your Dad! Depends on the dad. Mine, for example, would and indeed has, taken tens of thousands from his children, putting them and their children to considerable disadvantage. He even has the brass neck to cry that we don't contact him.... all over his facebook page, where the rest of the family can see. He is shameless... I doubt he is the only Dad like this! Married to a Mum who doesn't disagree...