Inheritance

[YeahWhatevver]

My Grandmother passed away about 6 months ago. Her estate is probably worth 200k, split 3 ways between my DM and her 2 sisters.

My DM has said all along that she and DF don't need the money, they're retired and are fairly open about how comfortable they are etc. They've said that DM's share would get split equally between me and DBro. ~35k each. I've not misunderstood this, it's been talked about several times between us all. DBro is planning on using it for a deposit to move house and we are going to put it into our mortgage.

Heard last night that DF and DM (DF mainly is suspect as he's a miserable old curmudgeon) have decided that they'd like a new car, a holiday of a life time and to do some home improvements and that they're not sure how much will be left to give us when all is done.

I know this isn't my money and that it's theirs to give but AIBU to be really gutted about this change of heart? DBro especially has had the rug pulled out from under him, he has 2 pre school kids and had really begun to think about a new bigger house, checking school catchments etc.

your DM was pretty sure about this. I take it none of the money went to your DF. Is it possible he has been the one to change her mind.

Laurie, well said, I haven’t heard that expression for a long time.

YANBU - your parents were wrong to make you and your brother believe that you had inheritance coming your way. They should have kept quiet until they knew exactly what they wanted to do with it. Yes, it is their money but the way they have behaved is morally wrong.

Yeah i'd be upset too. It is there money but they shouldn't have promised you something for 6 months then go back on their word. If there is 70k why can't they give you and your brother 25k each and keep 20k for themselves? That's more than enough for a new car, amazing holiday and home improvements and still a huge sum to be gifted. Then everyone should be happy.

I’ve found that people can be very generous with promises of money until they’ve actually got it in their bank, then things change.

After being promised things would be paid for by a grandparent and parents in law, then the money never appearing after I’d placed orders, my rule now is that until I’ve actually received the clear funds in my bank from them then don’t even think about what to spend it on.

Let your parents enjoy the money. If they want if for a nice holiday and a new car I'm assuming they are not that well off already. I'm also assuming you and DB are not destitute. Once his kids are in school he can afford to move house.

YANBU to be upset.

your parents doing whatever the hell they like with the money - NBU.

your parents creating the expectation that that they'd give it away & then changing their minds - slightly U but, honeslty, it's their money, so only slightly.

YANBU to be disappointed, but honestly I'd be happy for my parents to have a holiday of a lifetime. It was poor form of your DM to talk about the gift several times and then not see through, but it's her money ultimately and can do as she pleases.

That's really thoughtless and selfish of your parents, setting you up for a fall like that! Sounds as if your curmudgeonly father (I don't think that's a rude way to talk about a father you love, by the way) may have changed your mother's mind for her, she can't surely have intentionally led you both on to believe you'd be able to change your lives so dramatically, only to let you down when it came to it?
I agree with those above who have suggested you should talk to them about how disappointed you are that they made you a promise they won't be keeping. If it hadn't been talked about, neither you nor your brother would have been upset about it.

Do your parents have form for going back on their word?

YANBU. I'd be pretty miffed.
It's probably caused some serious damage to the relationships.

YANBU. I know people are technically right to say it's their money and they should spend it how they want, but to repeatedly promise family anything then not deliver on that promise is just rude and uncaring to be honest. It doesnt take a lot of empathy to realise that expecting £60k and not receiving it is going to be extremely disappointing to say the least!

I think people often use promises of money/inheritance to control others.
I was taught never to "spend" money until you actually have it in your hand.
My SIL went out and bought a flashy car only to find out she wasnt getting anything😬

I understand being disappointed but I very much agree with the others who have mentioned that using the money for a trip and car shows that they aren't that well off and can use the money themselves.

YANBU- it is of course entirely up to them, but why say, repeatedly and clearly to the extent that you and your brother are making real plans, that the money is yours, and then go back on that?

I've not misunderstood this, it's been talked about several times between us all.
That's what would upset me. I wouldn't expect the money in the first place, but if I had been told over and over that I was getting it, and it had been openly talked about like this, I would find the sudden "oh actually not doing that now" really quite hard to get my head round.

That's awful. But ultimately nothing you can do. That's really gutting.

What @EddieIzzard says - this sums up the whole thread really, never mind all this old bollocks about "oh poor old dears they are entitled to change their minds" - what an utterly shit thing to do to the people you are meant to love the most - your own children.

Gosh thank you @DishingOutDone

Seconded @EddieIzzard

Yes they were totally unreasonable to offer the money if they weren't 100% sure.

From 200k though I'm sure you will still get something, they just don't know how much yet.

YANBU to be upset about it, but they shouldn't have said anything about their inheritance (or to be more accurate, your mum's inheritance) being given to you and your brother until they were actually passing it to you. Just in case they changed their minds on what to do with it! It's not nice to dangle something like that in front of people then snatch it away, so to speak.

My MIL is one of those "I give you my word" people who then rescind their decision. The result is her word is utterly worthless as she will renege on it if she changes her mind. Of course people are free to have a change of mind, not saying that, but if you want to create a more trusting relationship you have to stick with your original decision regardless.

I would not say anything OP, beyond "It's your money mum, of course you do what you want to with it." You probably don't intend to, but I wouldn't remind them of the previous promise, nor saying anything about what's left after the new car, holiday, etc. Keep your disappointment to yourselves.

Agree rubbish thing to do.

I should let them know that anything they suggest in the future will be taken with a huge pinch of salt OP. It is very very annoying for you and your brother. However, on previous threads, some parents have gone so far as to ask their children to actually dispose of assets in order to have that motorhome and holiday of a lifetime Which is spectacularly mean and unjust....at least you never actually had the money just the wiff of it! I hope they budget their futures prudently as one day you might the ones having to choose the nursing home....

Of course YANBU to be gutted you are not getting a big wad of cash, but at the end of the day it isn't and never was your money and they are not being unreasonable either. It is likely one or both of them have considered it further now their grief has settled and the money is now available, they are allowed to do this and you and your db were hasty making plans on how to spend it.

I'd much rather my parents enjoyed it and splashed out on a holiday of a lifetime during their retirement.

They should have rested with this decision for some time before they told you anything about it. Had they done this, you would have been spared this roller coaster.

Very thoughtless. I feel for you.