Inheritance

[YeahWhatevver]

My Grandmother passed away about 6 months ago. Her estate is probably worth 200k, split 3 ways between my DM and her 2 sisters.

My DM has said all along that she and DF don't need the money, they're retired and are fairly open about how comfortable they are etc. They've said that DM's share would get split equally between me and DBro. ~35k each. I've not misunderstood this, it's been talked about several times between us all. DBro is planning on using it for a deposit to move house and we are going to put it into our mortgage.

Heard last night that DF and DM (DF mainly is suspect as he's a miserable old curmudgeon) have decided that they'd like a new car, a holiday of a life time and to do some home improvements and that they're not sure how much will be left to give us when all is done.

I know this isn't my money and that it's theirs to give but AIBU to be really gutted about this change of heart? DBro especially has had the rug pulled out from under him, he has 2 pre school kids and had really begun to think about a new bigger house, checking school catchments etc.

am most definitely being serious. My word is my bond. If I say I will do something for someone I move heaven and earth to do it.

Great. But nobody else can be forced to do that.

Your DM made false promises so she is the one at fault here, not your curmudgeonous (great word btw, even if I had to google it) DF. I can understand your disappointment but I'm afraid, like the rest of us, your DB will just have to work for it if he wants a bigger house won't he?

in my view it is extremely cruel to dangle a life-changing money in front of you and then just casually say you've changed your mind and take it away
But you can't really say anything because it just makes you look grabby🙄☹️
I would never forgive them and never trust them again .....but that's just me

While i think it's a dick move by your parents, as you know it's up to them.

Having said that if you've all spoken openly about this in the past, you do have a family history of talking about it so (if i were you) I'd definitely bring it up and ask them how they would feel if you'd promised to have them living with you when they reached 70 and then told them that you'd changed your mind? (Because i am petty, though, you might be nicer)

New car, holiday of a lifetime, home improvements. Not a mean old curmudgeon if it's someone else's money being spent it seems.

Mantarays..what is your definition of a promise?
To do anything but stand by your word is flakey..surely?
Why would you want to be that person.
If I said I would babysit for my grandchildren and then a better offer came along..no way would I let my children down and say I couldn’t make it.
That’s how I was brought up.

Dowser

Doesn’t matter what my definition is. A person can’t be held to a promise by anyone external to them. A promise isn’t a contract.

I think it depends on how clearly this was expressed - ie 'we promise to split the money between you both' or a 'I think we might consider it' - or somewhere in between. - i note in your OP you did not use the term promise this has arrived in other people's posts.

Only you truthfully know how big a commitment was made and whether they really have had a slight change of heart now the moment has arrived or have really reneged on a firm promise.

Fully appreciate that however it was expressed you had set your heart on this and feel disappointed.

I had this with my mother too. Not for property. But with a car... amongst other things. She got me jumping through a number of hoops with her whims about giving me her old car, then selling it, me finding out 8/9 months later when she said she’d decided to match my savings from the year out from university job. I didn’t have much so I literally starved myself. Then called me grabby when I said I’d got x amount, what about this car.

You can say something. Do steel yourself for being told you’re grabby, ungrateful and they can do wha they want with their money.

This vote really surprises me tbh. A promise a promise. And unless circumstances are different from those anticipated, should be fulfilled.

Dowser I agree.

That’s rotten, op. They shouldn’t have promised or even inferred anything. I’d never do that to my kids.

This is MN though, where you should never expect any form of handouts from parents especially not inheritance!

Your parents have behaved badly and you're more than entitled to be upset.

I'm sure you and your brother will have lots of opportunities to promise them things and let them down in the future so they can see what it feels like 🙂

I know you should never rely on an inheritance but they are being cruel. How says that to a child and then changes their mind?

It is their money but they promised it to you. You probably thanked them and were grateful and thought they were so nice and made plans. They've enjoyed being seen as generous but they aren't going to follow through. I think they are dicks if they keep it for holidays now. We try and save all we can for our children as we'd rather spend our money on securing their future than on pointless stuff. I will not dangle the savings in front of them and then change my mind and keep them for myself. Yanbu to be annoyed and to feel let down.

Makes me wonder if your parents are using promises of money to make you stay dutiful.

This was definitely my experience. I’ve been given a lot more since. But nothing and I mean a even million pounds or more would make up for the past. I take people’s word very seriously.

You are being selfish .

Your mum said you could have their share of the inheritance but presumably she had not really talked it through with your dad.

It' s their inheritance and they can do what they want with it. Your dad had had 2nd thoughts.

TBH they can't be THAT comfortably off if they need the money for a new car and a nice holiday. If they were, they'd have that kind of cash in the bank already.

Just take this on the chin.

I don't see it as a 'promise'- I see it as your mum having an idea and now your dad has said he's not of the same mind, it's off the agenda.

I can see why you are disappointed. I think it would be better if they just kept all the money rather than a scenario where they say you can have x and then they suddenly decide to have another holiday and you can now have y, as it makes it difficult for you and your brother to plan anything.
Clearly it’s their money and what they do with it is their choice and it was a little rash of them to suggest giving it away without thinking of what they could do with the money.

Also, it's only 6 months since your gran died.

People make all kinds of rash statements or promises in the middle of grieving.

Have some respect for your parents. They are fully entitled to a change of mind.

I think it's disgusting so many posters are whinging about it being a promise. It was an idea and now they have had 2nd thoughts.

You are behaving like a spoilt brat.

Sorry.

I can’t imagine doing that to my adult children and my parents wouldn’t either but as others have said it’s completely their choice.
I had an uncle who was estranged from everyone in the family except me, he was widowed with no children and lived the other end of the country to me. I used to meet up with him once a year to discuss our shared musical interest. He always used to say he’d “ see me right” but I didn’t really take much notice. One Christmas I didn’t get a card from him and after making enquiries found out he’d died. Just before he died he told his solicitor he had no relatives, wanted no funeral and left all his money to guide dogs for the blind. He didn’t like dogs and wasn’t blind.
His beautiful house sold for £450000........!!!

That's a nasty thing to do.

They enjoyed being thought of as beneficent, but they didn't want to actually give you the money,
they want to be viewed as generous benefactors but they also want holidays and fun, in order for them to have the best of both worlds you get the worst of both worlds

Your mum said you could have their share of the inheritance but presumably she had not really talked it through with your dad. No. Her mum said they could share her inheritance and the discussions included all of them!

Not saying her mum can't spend her own inheritance precisely as she chooses, just that setting up OP and her DB for this kind of disappointment is the kind of thing that sets up real resentment and her DPs should acknowledge that if they want to avoid a family estrangement!

They are a married couple so I assume they try to agree about money.

People would do well to not take inheritance ‘promises’ too seriously. There’s many a slip between cup and lip as the saying goes.