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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inheritance

151 replies

YeahWhatevver · 25/02/2020 08:26

My Grandmother passed away about 6 months ago. Her estate is probably worth 200k, split 3 ways between my DM and her 2 sisters.

My DM has said all along that she and DF don't need the money, they're retired and are fairly open about how comfortable they are etc. They've said that DM's share would get split equally between me and DBro. ~35k each. I've not misunderstood this, it's been talked about several times between us all. DBro is planning on using it for a deposit to move house and we are going to put it into our mortgage.

Heard last night that DF and DM (DF mainly is suspect as he's a miserable old curmudgeon) have decided that they'd like a new car, a holiday of a life time and to do some home improvements and that they're not sure how much will be left to give us when all is done.

I know this isn't my money and that it's theirs to give but AIBU to be really gutted about this change of heart? DBro especially has had the rug pulled out from under him, he has 2 pre school kids and had really begun to think about a new bigger house, checking school catchments etc.

OP posts:

WeAllHaveWings · 25/02/2020 10:44

I hope they budget their futures prudently as one day you might the ones having to choose the nursing home....

That is a dreadful thing to say, there is no suggestion they expect the OP to pay towards their nursing home in the future. Are you implying the OP should not choose the nursing home that provides the best support, that her parents can afford, in the future as revenge?

mumwon · 25/02/2020 10:48

regard less of the promises neither of you are children - & they changed their mind after a discussion & a rethink - they have decided to spend some of THEIR money but after that they will give you the remainder - so I imagine you both are going to get in excess of £15K - OK its disappointing but you don't have any rights to it & it should still be a help - look life is short & they have decided to make the most of their quality of life - please note gp left the money to them -

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 25/02/2020 10:49

They shouldn’t have promised the money to you. My dm has left her assets split equally between myself and siblings but I plan on leaving my share (if there’s any left - you never know what’s going to happen re care homes etc.) to my dsis who has struggled financially all her life. The rest of us a are very comfortable. However I’ve never mentioned my intentions as you just don’t know what the future holds.

You’re parents obviously had a change of heart when the money landed in their account for whatever reason!

Lovemusic33 · 25/02/2020 10:49

YANBU for being disappointed but maybe you shouldn’t have got your hopes up? At the end of the day it’s their money and they have decided they would like a new car and a holiday. You shouldn’t have made plans for the money before it was in your hands.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 25/02/2020 10:50

I'd be gutted too in all honesty.Recently due to the death of my grandfather I've received 80 000 in inheritance as has dm.Luckily my gf left money to us all not just his children.

In dh case inheritance only goes one generation down like yours so he cant rely on anything as his dm would be entitled to spend the lot from his grandparents if she so wished.Theres not much you can do about it but I get where you're coming from.

TheBouquets · 25/02/2020 10:52

Maybe something happened to make the parents change their minds about giving the money to OP and brother.

Eddielzzard · 25/02/2020 10:52

Thank you too @Supersimkin2. It's rare that people agree with me

PinkMonkeyBird · 25/02/2020 10:57

YANBU it is pretty shitty of your parents to say one thing and then pull the rug. I think this is why nobody should rely on inheritance or start the theoretical spending of it until it there is something official/money in your account. It's often the case that large inheritances cause issues in families at some point.

Balkinfly · 25/02/2020 11:01

My MiL makes me laugh she inherited equivalent to a million in the 80s and has lived a lavish life ever since spending the money on the finer things in life even though her DF was very frugal and didn't spend a penny.

She loves telling everyone that you cannot expect or rely on an inheritance which I do agree with but in her case it is because she has spent every last penny of it!

ffswhatnext · 25/02/2020 11:09

Not really. If my parents got back in touch with me and were at the stage of needing care. I really wouldn't give a fuck if it was a dump. They would be left in the first place with space.

I hope they budget their futures prudently as one day you might the ones having to choose the nursing home.... Sometimes really does apply. When you've spent all your childhood and some, if not all your adult life with them not giving a shit about you, other than being a nice person, why would you care? Unless you are still under their 'control' you will want that person gone sooner rather than later.

boomboom1234 · 25/02/2020 11:11

That is so mean of them to get your hopes up and then change their minds. I would definitely say you are a bit surprised after previous conversations as you were given the impression the money was yours but that it's of course up to them and that you hope they enjoy the holiday/car etc. They have been mean basically and they should know that. How unfair. Of course if they never said you could have it it would be 100% fine and you would have been happy for them.

Straycatstrut · 25/02/2020 11:21

I think it's harsh because life is tough and to look really forward to something when you don't have much money, is rare, and it's usually the only thing that keeps us going (holidays, days out, occasions). I really feel for your brother. I was stuck in a cramped house, rough area for years until I moved back near my parents. The extra "breathing" space is incredible and did wonders for me, even if the place is in need of about 20ks worth of maintenance with a leaky roof, blown out double glazing and damp issues. Not my house though.

My GD has just passed and he's left a lot to his 3 children (inc my mum) she hasn't promised me anything and so I don't expect it. TBH I'd rather they enjoy it even though I'm a struggling single mum renting and really mentally ill with stress. If she promised me money for a mortgage deposit then took it away I'm not sure I could handle it.

I feel really lucky to have been left a little bit in the will to put towards driving lessons. If you get a bit it's still so lucky.

ffswhatnext · 25/02/2020 11:24

It's a difficult thing to now talk to them about any changes in their circumstances, without seeming grabby.

99 days on the same boat with the same people though.

Just out of interest @YeahWhatevver who really wants a new car, mum or dad?

It's a shit thing to do, to dangle this in front of you, repeatedly over the past six months. If it's anything like I've witnessed in these situations, they would have 'sold' you the idea of this money, making live stlye choices, just like they did your brother. I've seen were the person goes on and on and on until you finally accept, and everything dissapears. I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't the first time that they have done anything similar, money or not.

Wonderland18 · 25/02/2020 11:27

I think it would break me to be offered a sum of money so large that could drastically improve things and then have it taken away.
Especially from my parents.

Trust won’t ever be rebuilt fully and it will take a while for you both not to feel as hurt about it.

Kraejka · 25/02/2020 11:45

On the one hand it's their inheritance so it's their choice as to what they do with the money. You shouldn't really have started planning how to spend the money before receiving it. Hard not to think about it of course, when you've been promised it but anything could have happened meaning you didn't get anything in the end.
On the other hand, I think it was a bit shitty of them to promise the money and then decide to keep the bulk of it for themselves after all. But was it really definitely promised or was it more sort of idle chatter? Sometimes people say things and it isn't a definite promise but the other person understands it as that.
Perhaps they think it's irrelevant anyway as when they die presumably you and your brother will inherit everything from them anyway so any home improvements they do now will add to the value of the estate.

Not a nice situation to be in but you're going to just have to handle the disappointment and carry on as before and unfortunately DB is going to have to rethink his plans for a new house.
I presume that neither of you are in financial dire straits and that not receiving the inheritance is going to cause serious hardship?

Quicklittlenamechange · 25/02/2020 11:46

Do you really think you get to "dump" family members in whatever NH you think they deserve ffs?
NH have a duty of care and assessments are done by them to see if they can meet the patients needs.
Best to keep away if you feel so spiteful and yep Im NC with a family member so I get how damaging they are.

Leaannb · 25/02/2020 11:52

I will not be leaving my children anything. The majority of our estate will be Juvenile Diabetes research and to the March of Dimes. They will get nothing. They know this and are supportive of this

Newkitchen123 · 25/02/2020 12:07

When you say you heard, who told you?
Did they tell you themselves? If so what did you say?
If they told bro what did he say?
If they told someone else are you sure they actually said it?

Wingedharpy · 25/02/2020 12:16

It's quite cruel and thoughtless to make a promise like this and not stick to it IMHO.

A bit like telling your young kids you're going to book a holiday to Disneyland Florida then later saying you've changed your mind and you may possibly book a weekend camping in Cleethorpes instead.

It's the cruelty of raising expectations unnecessarily.

contentedsoul · 25/02/2020 12:32

Ah
That old chestnut ...the chance of free money.
Guaranteed to bring out the very worst in people.

sugarbum · 25/02/2020 12:37

YANBU

My MIL in law has done this often over the years since our kids were born. She will then deny she's said anything. She's promised trips to Disneyworld, private school education, even a house (she owns a few) and she's gone back on it every single time. We have learned to nod and smile.

Like folk have said, they have every right to use their own money as they wish, but its cruel to dangle good fortune over their children's heads, then snatch it away again.

KickAssAngel · 25/02/2020 12:41

I think it sounds like OP's parents like to talk about being generous without really thinking it through.
After inheritance tax, they'll only receive just over 40k. I'm sure 20k is helpful towards buying a house but it's not a huge amount.
If the parents need the inheritance to pay for a new car, then maybe they're not as comfortable as they thought they were. Assuming that they are in healthy retirement rather than needing end of life care, then their income needs to cover house repairs, cars etc anyway for a good many years.
Also, emotionally, it can suddenly seem really hard to part with money, particularly when it's tied up with the loss of a parent.

It is unkind to talk about giving someone such a huge amount of money and then to renege on it, but I don't think they'd really thought about it properly when they made those promises.
I think perhaps they thought they'd want to support their offspring, but have realized that the money would be useful for themselves.

bridgetreilly · 25/02/2020 12:48

It’s a shame they spoke too soon but they are entitled to change their minds.

Yes, and OP is entitled to be disappointed about it, and hurt by the way they have handled the situation. And she's entitled to let them know that.

bridgetreilly · 25/02/2020 12:48

After inheritance tax, they'll only receive just over 40k

Nope. There won't be any inheritance tax if the estate is only worth £200,000.

Ilovechinese · 25/02/2020 12:58

Yes it is their money and their choice but then they should have never promised it to you and your brother. Of course you are going to be upset. I doubt you will get much support on here though as if you see my previous post on here "inheritance disputes" quite a few people were really nasty to me despite losing both my parents and my brother trying to steal my inheritance that was actually meant for me.

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