Calling people in laws when not married

[rosie991]

Am I the only one who finds this odd?

I keep coming across people in relationships (but not married) who refer to their partners parents, siblings etc as 'mother in law', father in law, sister in law etc.

Surely the meaning of 'in law' mean you are married to said person 'in law?'

Not sure why it bothers me, just confuses me when someone says this

No idea what could be confusing about how someone else refers to their DPs family. My DB has been with his partner for decades, I'm married. Our partners are no more or less part of our family. The legal benefits of married (or not) are no-one else's business.

My relationship isn't more than my DB's because I'm married.

I don't like cards with DS and his wife or DIL on. That's something else though.

Genuine question...for those of you in long term relationships, unmarried, do your male partners refer to your parents as inlaws or is this just a female thing? As thinking about it I've only ever come across one male person who referred to his long term partner as "the wife"...and her parents as in laws. Most will just say "partners name's Mum or Dad.

I also refer to my stepdad, who has been in my life since I was 3, as my 'dad' in the company of other people, because its how I feel, and referring to him as 'step-dad' makes me feel like I'm being disrespectful, even though it's an accurate word that people can use to describe someone who isn't their biological parent.

If someone wants to police my speech because he never legally adopted me, and insist that I am being silly by referring to him as 'dad,' then a big 🖕to them. Families come in all sorts of dynamics, and if someone wants to use a different word to describe their relationship to someone, then frankly it's no one else's business.

I’m in a long term unmarried relationship with a male partner. I don’t have any parents because they are dead, but he calls my siblings in laws when talking to someone we don’t know, where it is easier. He calls them by name to people we do know, as that is easier.

Virgin, I think your scenario, where your step Dad brought you up, it's easy to see why you might call him Dad...but where a 30 year old starts calling their new step dad, dad, it's a little less obvious.

I really can't understand why anyone would make a big thing about this, and I'm someone who is inclined to be pedantic over language.

I suppose the thing these days is that there are a lot of couples who are committed to each other and have DC, but choose not to get married. Are they never supposed to see their partner's family as in-laws, just because there's no marriage certificate?

I should add, especially when they have a living dad, who brought them up.

@DamnItsSevenAM how odd that you do that, what does your partner say about this? Surely that’s awkward. I’m not sure why it’s easier to say husband than partner lol.

My DD and her partner refer to the respective parents as “sin laws” !

Can think of more important things to worry about tbh

Well, it's a bit less clunky than "my partner's brother's partner"etc.

Oooh I like that @Babdoc. Might have to steal it.

Some of the folk saying it's easier- have you actually counted syllables? confused "My partner's mum" has fewer syllables than "my mother in law"!
Why use mother in one and mum in the other? To try to make it fit your opinion? Also there's no need for the 'my' in the second one as it stands alone easily.

We're going to see mum in law.
We're going to see my partner's mum

But anyway, as someone else said, it's more personal to say MIL as it's a direct relationship. Putting 'my partner's (mum)' in the middle puts a distance between the relationship.

have you actually counted syllables?

My partner's parents (5)
The in laws (3)

I couldn't bring myself to care to be honest. People are so bothered by things that don't affect them.

Practically anyone and his/her dog can get married, it's not difficult. You still are not actually related to you spouses family really are you in anything but name. DP and I are together 13 years unmarried (I don't wish to marry) - my 'in laws' refer to themselves as in laws and I often think to myself 'you technically aren't' but it's just easier isn't it. I have a 'neice and nephew' who are not technically as such but am not about to correct them that I'm not actually technically their aunt. It really doesn't bother me either way. If people get something out of it and no harm is done then great.

@TabbyMumz I was more bringing up my stepdad/ dad situation to show why I describe my partners mother as my MIL, because we have been together for 10 years and have 2 kids together... She's more than just my boyfriend's mum ifyswim. She'll always be in my life, so MIL seems more fitting even though DP and I are not married on paper.

I do admit, I actually would find it weirder for someone to get married after 2 weeks of knowing someone, and then referring to their husbands mother as 'Mother In Law' despite not knowing them, even though its a legally accurate description... More accurate than my description of my partner's mother.

Families should be defined on our own terms as they can be so nuanced and personal to each individual. Just like if someone to renounce an abusive parent, and refuse to refer to them as 'mother' or 'father,' they should be free to do so, even if they are the factually correct words to use.

I think it

Tabbymumz MNHQ have deleted the comment in question as homophobic.
In the circumstances it seems imho unnecessary to derail the thread by discussing one poster's deeply unpleasant views further.

This is a strange one I call my partner's parents my mil fil etc and my sisters partner bil and often people call my partner my husband, I dont mind if I'm called wife but not "the Mrs" I always correct to "Miss" but each to their own.

"TabbymumzMNHQ have deleted the comment in question as homophobic.
In the circumstances it seems imho unnecessary to derail the thread by discussing one poster's deeply unpleasant views further."

So, why are you? Think we've all moved on.

No I don’t find it odd. It’s just easier isn’t it to refer to someone in much shorter hand

There was every need for me to swear, Tabby, yes.

My daughters fiancés mother is a bit of a mouthful.

My son calls us ‘the rents’ to his friends but he’s never paid us rent in his life. Nor have we ever paid rent for him.

It’s fairly innocuous words and the use of in law for established relationships does clarify relationships.

Been with OH 14 years, engaged for 9, 2 kids 1 on the way. Would love to get married but OH wants a proper religious 'do' yet we need the money to buy our next property and have more important things to spend our money on.

I often have people reffering to my OH as my husband, no one seems to bother to even ask, they just assume. If people can so easily assume we are married and I dont get all pissy over it then someone referring to their OH's family as inlaws shouldnt be something to get pissy over either. Its easier to explain the relationship.

Sunshine....I dont agree...but we will leave it there...