Is my sister unreasonable?

[newyorkcheeseecake]

A man who I grew up with suddenly passed away at the beginning of the year. My older sister is best friends with said mans sister. He was only in his early 30’s and as a result didn’t have any life insurance. His family aren’t high earners so were understandably worried about how they were going to pay for the funeral. My sister (which I thought was a lovely idea) decided to start a fundraiser on Facebook so that people could donate money towards the cost of his funeral if they wanted to. A lot of friends and people of the community donated including myself, although I only donated £30 as that’s all I could afford. He was a very popular and much loved man and they raised just over 6k in total which covered all of it.

The family were very grateful for the help and he had a lovely send off. My sister, for some reason struggled to get the money at first as it took over two weeks for it to go into her account (not sure why Facebook held onto it but she managed to sort it in the end). The money all went into different bank accounts including her personal account, savings account, isa account and our dads account. She gathered all the money together and gave it to the family. They took just over 5k off her and said that’s all they needed and told her she could keep the rest as a thank you which was around £700-800 give or take. She’s put it into her savings account.

I went to visit her yesterday for a quick catch up and the conversation came up as I asked if she had sorted out the money yet and she told me all of this. AIBU to think this is just wrong? I appreciate she didn’t ask for the money and the family offered it to her but I find it awful that people have donated their hard earned cash (including myself) probably when they were all skint themselves and she’s kept some of it. I’m sure people will call me jealous which is absolutely not the case, I love my sister and I think what she did was lovely and very thoughtful but I just don’t agree with it. It feels really wrong to me that she has benefitted from other people’s money and I think giving it to a charity would have been better personally or maybe organising some sort of gathering/party in our friends name.

As far as I know she has only told me about this and I wonder if it’s because she knows people wouldn’t be very happy about it. It really has made me think twice about donating to these sorts of fundraisers now.

What do you guys think?

@saraclara I recently gave money to a funeral fundraiser. If I found out my money didn't go to that cause, or to the family, but instead went to an independent organiser for a nice new handbag (or whatever), I would be fucking livid. It is deceit.

The family were understandably not in the right frame of mind when they made that decision. My sister has never done a fundraiser before, it was specifically for this family as she is close to the mans sister. They obviously felt that they had enough to cover the costs of the funeral and the wake and wanted to thank my sister by giving her the rest back.

Yes @saraclara your right in saying that it was gifted to the family, but everyone was under the impression that the money would go towards the funeral costs and so forth. That's why it was set up in the first place. I really don't believe many people would have donated if they had known some of it would go to a third party, who actually didn't need it.

I don’t think she has done anything wrong. She offered the family the money, and they gifted it back to her.

She didn't really offer it to them as such, though, as it was already their money - given expressly for them. She was just passing it on.

If a courier or postman tried to deliver a parcel that was refused by the addressee for any reason, it would be returned to the sender. In no world would anybody suggest that a postman could just keep an undeliverable or refused parcel.

I can see how the family - simultaneously feeling extremely grateful and also suffering terribly from their bereavement - might have told her to keep it; but she should have taken account of all the circumstances surrounding their response and graciously returned it to the givers or passed it on to another worthy cause in a similar vein.

Even if she and the bereaved family did/do have the most honourable intentions at heart, she has to see that, by accepting it (14% of the total raised, as noted by a PP), she will have effectively nullified all of her altruistic kindness and turned it into a profit-making enterprise, thus kicking her dignity and self-respect in the bin and making a mockery of any sense of admiration that people may attribute to her.

If they had taken the money and used £20 or £30 of it to buy her an actual gift as a token of their appreciation, there would be no issue at all - but to actually keep back the best part of £1K, even though/if they said she could, looks very, very shadey indeed.

Yes it was theirs to give. It was donated to them. They didn't use it all. They wanted to thank the sister.

But it was given to them for a purpose - for the funeral, and by extension, if there are extra funds, one would reasonably assume for any memorials (whether a headstone or something like a meal out in his memory) or practical uses such as tiding themselves over financially with bills etc.

I doubt most people would be crass enough to say anything about it, and different people do cope with grief in different ways; but I can't imagine many of the givers would have been particularly chuffed if the widow had gone out and bought herself an £800 handbag or fancy watch that she'd always wanted with the surplus funds. She'd be seen as cashing in on people's generosity, even though the generosity was actually targeted at her and her family.

Definitely wrong- people have given the money for a specific purpose- the funeral. I would not be happy if I had given money and found out your sister got some, even with the family blessing. I would donate it to a charity in his name. She should not profit from this.

She needs to insist they take the rest of the money. They can use it to cover easier meals, cleaning, and various things that are just harder to deal with when you are grieving.

I agree with you OP. The money should be donated to a good cause (not her savings! )

The family are grieving OP; not mentally unhinged. They are capable of making a decision.

If I'd donated in these circumstances I'd be happy for the family to use the unnecessary surplus money in this way. It likely brought them some comfort to be able to show their gratitude.

I find it incredible that this woman is being vilified for accepting a thank-you gift. She has done nothing wrong.

I find it incredible that this woman is being vilified for accepting a thank-you gift.

You must give amazing thank-you gifts. Most of us are more than happy with flowers or chocolates.

Where on earth did I say that they were mentally unhinged @Rayray118? Your just putting words in my mouth to justify your opinion. I'm aloud to disagree with you.

I would be disgusted had I been a donor. This money is not for your sister to keep at all! It should go to the family towards the upcoming rent/mortgage payments, rates etc. They are going to find it very difficult in the coming months in making ends meet and chances are right now, they are not in the right frame of mind to realise the full impact of the Brother's loss.

I think your Sister needs to be held accountable and she needs to deposit the balance into an account of theirs. It is not for her to keep.

No it is wrong.
If he had kids/wife etc the money could have gone to them.
If not that money should be given to a charity or even the hospital that cared for him if that was the case.

She gave it to the family though, and they gave her some back because they wanted her to have it. I don’t think she’s done anything wrong.

She didn't keep it, it was given to her by the family.

I suspect this is probably fraud and had I donated and found out about this I'd report it too. Justgiving/Facebook fundraisers and the like really do crack down on this. What a disgusting thing to do to a grieving family who will in no way be thinking straight.

If she genuinely sees nothing wrong with this, she'll be more than happy to be completely above board and just post a message on FB to announce exactly how she came to have 14% of the money that people donated in the aftermath of this young man's death.

£800 is a lot of money in many senses; but the price she will definitely end up paying in terms of her long-term reputation, even if it turns out that no laws have been broken (and it sounds like the jury is still out on that one), will make it seem an extraordinarily tiny amount of gain for her to have sold out for.

Long, long after that money has been spent, she will be known as and referred to as 'That woman who lied and hatched a plan so as to profit financially from a young man's death'. Her reputation will go before her and I daresay it could end up being the single defining characteristic that everybody who knows her will associate her with.

I think it's the family's choice. It would be more appropriate to donate the rest but I couldn't get too wound up about this.

If I had donated it I wouldn't expect it all be used for the funeral, but I would want the family to keep it for their savings. Without their husbands income they might need it at another time such as Christmas. If they have a child, I suggest your sister opens a child savings account for them and put the money In their til they are 18. Yanbu

Why would you put this on here, it is very identifying?

I agree with the poster who mentioned the huge salaries of the formal charities, much the same thing.

It would have been better to gift the whole amount to them and if they wanted to gift her something, that should have been separate.

Of course you're allowed to disagree with me OP, but to say the family were "not in the right frame of mind when they made that decision" seems to me that you're insinuating they were not in the fullness of their senses or were otherwise incapable of making a rational decision. From the situation you've described I think they were perfectly capable of making a rational decision; it's just one you don't appreciate and seek to overturn.

I wonder why you feel yourself positioned to challenge their decision, and why you so strongly want to? Is there some history between yourself and your sister you're not telling us about?

It is fraud.
She should have retained records to cover her back and donated the money to a charity.

Just to clarify, these Facebook ‘charity’ fundraisers, the person who takes 20 seconds to create a page actually has the total money sent to their bank account or PayPal at the end?

And nobody else is taking a cut of this? -Facebook, PayPal, etc

So any random can create a fundraiser for Joe Bloggs Kid in Hospital and the couple of thousand raised goes into their bank account before they decide to redistribute it to Joe Bloggs if such a person even exists?

The remaining money should go to charity. Ideally one linked to the man or the way he died, e.g. his favorite charity or one supporting the illness or whatever that caused his death.

It was not given as a thank you to the person who raised it. It was given to pay for the funeral.

She is out of order she should donate the money to a charity of the families choosing

Should donate to a relevant charity.