Is my sister unreasonable?

[newyorkcheeseecake]

A man who I grew up with suddenly passed away at the beginning of the year. My older sister is best friends with said mans sister. He was only in his early 30’s and as a result didn’t have any life insurance. His family aren’t high earners so were understandably worried about how they were going to pay for the funeral. My sister (which I thought was a lovely idea) decided to start a fundraiser on Facebook so that people could donate money towards the cost of his funeral if they wanted to. A lot of friends and people of the community donated including myself, although I only donated £30 as that’s all I could afford. He was a very popular and much loved man and they raised just over 6k in total which covered all of it.

The family were very grateful for the help and he had a lovely send off. My sister, for some reason struggled to get the money at first as it took over two weeks for it to go into her account (not sure why Facebook held onto it but she managed to sort it in the end). The money all went into different bank accounts including her personal account, savings account, isa account and our dads account. She gathered all the money together and gave it to the family. They took just over 5k off her and said that’s all they needed and told her she could keep the rest as a thank you which was around £700-800 give or take. She’s put it into her savings account.

I went to visit her yesterday for a quick catch up and the conversation came up as I asked if she had sorted out the money yet and she told me all of this. AIBU to think this is just wrong? I appreciate she didn’t ask for the money and the family offered it to her but I find it awful that people have donated their hard earned cash (including myself) probably when they were all skint themselves and she’s kept some of it. I’m sure people will call me jealous which is absolutely not the case, I love my sister and I think what she did was lovely and very thoughtful but I just don’t agree with it. It feels really wrong to me that she has benefitted from other people’s money and I think giving it to a charity would have been better personally or maybe organising some sort of gathering/party in our friends name.

As far as I know she has only told me about this and I wonder if it’s because she knows people wouldn’t be very happy about it. It really has made me think twice about donating to these sorts of fundraisers now.

What do you guys think?

Yes but in this case I don’t think it’s really the family to decide, the money was given for the deceased man, if I had donated I would be very annoyed and if the family didn’t want the money I’d want it given to a charity not some random person as a “reward” for the fund raising.

But I'm glad that I'm not crazy in thinking it is wrong though.

YANBU

that’s awful! If the family don’t want it then it should go on a memorial or to charity. Certainly not for her personal benefit!

Shes profited off charity? If your sis had any sense of decency she should either donate the remainder to charity or even get him a head stone? Infact even a food bank would benefit but she should ask the people who donated what would they like to do? A poll to get an idea

She should have told the family to donate it to charity or something , it’s completely wrong to keep it .

Was he buried? She could give the money back to the family to use for a headstone when the time comes.

Er it's so wrong. It should be given to charity in the dead mans name or some sort of memorial for him. She has essentially 'earned' £800 for clicking a few buttons on Facebook and those who donated wouldn't of thought for a second your sister would profit.

No no no. You can't just keep it! I've known people to do this kind of thing before. They skim off a percentage, and justify it on the grounds that they put all the work in and so deserve it! I've never been able to respect them again, even years later. Wth.

She should use the leftover to get them some memorial jewellery or pay for a plaque or something. Or put away for them to have a meal on the anniversary for a few years.

Absolutely should be given to another charity especially one that helps families struggling to pay for similar costs.

She needs to give all the money to his family or is there a charity they support? Some people ask for a donation to a charity instead of flowers at the funeral.

Totally wrong for her to keep the money.

I don't think I could keep any of the donated money even if the family offered it. If they didn't want the money, there are plenty of good causes that could benefit from it. If the family said they didn't want any of it, would she have just kept it all? It's completely unreasonable. Especially as we are not talking about £3 here, which she could use to buy herself a cup of tea as a thank you!

I'd be very angry if I donated and found out she kept any of the proceeds. How can she justify this? Her moral compass is way off on this one.

She shouldn't keep a penny of it, regardless of family wishes. They must be beside themselves and just focusing on the immediate needs.

In my view the right thing to do is to keep it in savings for the moment, then after gently asking in a week or two, transfer to next of kin or donate to relevant charity and make sure all who've donated know it's gone towards these good causes.

The next time I see her I might suggest some of these ideas and see what her reaction is. I'm sure she'll wonder why I'm still going on about it though. I just think it's awful really. People thought that their money was going towards our friend.

It will come out that she pocketed some of the cash. So she loses her integrity for a few hundred quid? Bad move. Tell her to give them ALL the money asap.

She is v out of order!!!!

If the family didn't need the money then a memorial or even a donation to a charity connected to his death would be appropriate

My exact thoughts @tiggerkid - £3 okay fine but £800 is absolute madness. That's a full time wage for some people.

I don't think £3 is fine! No level of pilfering from a charitable fund is fine!

Sorry to get on my high horse, but seriously.

If they insisted I would’ve said ok thank you but I’ll get a memorial bench in his honour or something , not keep it in my savings . I’d be really upset if I’d donated to someone and the founder ended up keeping some . Just doesn’t seem right x

Sorry @Socalm I didn't mean it like that obviously I don't agree with it hence why I started the thread, I just meant that there is a huge difference between £3 and £800 isn't there.

So are you actually going to do anything OP?
I realise it isn't easy, but this is your sister and she is about to make the kind of mistake than can drive wedges through families.

Well yes that is true enough OP.

I don’t think she has done anything wrong. She offered the family the money, and they gifted it back to her.

Does £5k cover the whole funeral plus headstone etc? I know we had to pay about £1500 for the headstone including council fees, but funerals themselves are really expensive too.
If there is £ left over, surely it should go to a relevant charity chosen by the family, or some other memorial for him.
If she had any conscience, she wouldn't keep this money.