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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my sister unreasonable?

167 replies

newyorkcheeseecake · 23/02/2020 19:22

A man who I grew up with suddenly passed away at the beginning of the year. My older sister is best friends with said mans sister. He was only in his early 30’s and as a result didn’t have any life insurance. His family aren’t high earners so were understandably worried about how they were going to pay for the funeral. My sister (which I thought was a lovely idea) decided to start a fundraiser on Facebook so that people could donate money towards the cost of his funeral if they wanted to. A lot of friends and people of the community donated including myself, although I only donated £30 as that’s all I could afford. He was a very popular and much loved man and they raised just over 6k in total which covered all of it.

The family were very grateful for the help and he had a lovely send off. My sister, for some reason struggled to get the money at first as it took over two weeks for it to go into her account (not sure why Facebook held onto it but she managed to sort it in the end). The money all went into different bank accounts including her personal account, savings account, isa account and our dads account. She gathered all the money together and gave it to the family. They took just over 5k off her and said that’s all they needed and told her she could keep the rest as a thank you which was around £700-800 give or take. She’s put it into her savings account.

I went to visit her yesterday for a quick catch up and the conversation came up as I asked if she had sorted out the money yet and she told me all of this. AIBU to think this is just wrong? I appreciate she didn’t ask for the money and the family offered it to her but I find it awful that people have donated their hard earned cash (including myself) probably when they were all skint themselves and she’s kept some of it. I’m sure people will call me jealous which is absolutely not the case, I love my sister and I think what she did was lovely and very thoughtful but I just don’t agree with it. It feels really wrong to me that she has benefitted from other people’s money and I think giving it to a charity would have been better personally or maybe organising some sort of gathering/party in our friends name.

As far as I know she has only told me about this and I wonder if it’s because she knows people wouldn’t be very happy about it. It really has made me think twice about donating to these sorts of fundraisers now.

What do you guys think?

OP posts:
Itwasntme1 · 23/02/2020 19:56

This is dreadful. People donated money to help the family, not your sister.

Awful of your sister to accept this money. She should have either insisted the family keep it, or donated it

partofthepeanutgallery · 23/02/2020 19:56

It should be donated to charity.

Original poster
newyorkcheeseecake · 23/02/2020 19:56

Yes @Tombakersscarf I will definitely suggest these ideas to her the next time I see her which will probably be sometime this week. Other than that what can I do? I can't exactly plaster it all over Facebook really. From my facial expression I think she could tell I didn't agree with it but I suppose in her mind she thinks "well I gave it to the family, I did the right thing and they didn't want it" Confused

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 23/02/2020 19:57

Although, in that situation, I would probably feel awkward, and either refuse the money, or donate it to a charity. Maybe associated with the deceased person. Ie. If he died of cancer, then a cancer charity etc.

katy1213 · 23/02/2020 19:58

Possibly fraudulent should anyone find out and complain. She should have refused. If not, either return money proportionally to the original donors - which is probably too fiddly - or inform them that as surplus was raised, a donation has been given to charity, which I don't suppose anyone would quibble over.
I hope she hasn't spent it! Word is bound to get out.

Papiermachecat · 23/02/2020 20:00

Charity bosses take a higher percentage. They're all on 6 figure salaries.
She did a nice thing and has been rewarded. Without her work there would be no money at all.
Some sister you are, publicly shaming her on here for her doing a very nice thing.
You are BVVVU.

Original poster
newyorkcheeseecake · 23/02/2020 20:04

The only difference is @Papiermachecat I believe most people who donate to charities know that and thus know what they are donating towards. I highly doubt most of the people who donated to this fundraiser thought Amy (not her real name) from down the street would pocket £800. I see a huge difference personally.

OP posts:
Original poster
newyorkcheeseecake · 23/02/2020 20:05

But yes I'm a shit sister. Thank you Smile

OP posts:
Swimornoswim15 · 23/02/2020 20:05

Yeah it is fairly innocent but it's dishonest in the sense that people wanted to help the family. It should of gone towards the charity or the man's family or something. Suppose this is the problem with Facebook donations.

Gwilt160981 · 23/02/2020 20:08

Could've been put towards a stone, wake or charity. Not surprised you're annoyed.

Cherrysoup · 23/02/2020 20:09

I think that’s terrible of her. People wouldn’t have donated had they known it was going to her, would they? If I’d donated, I’d be bloody fuming! It’s dishonest, even though the family gave it to her. She should have donated it in his name to a relevant charity.

SpeedofaSloth · 23/02/2020 20:11

Should go to a charity IMHO.

ShirleyPhallus · 23/02/2020 20:11

Some sister you are, publicly shaming her on here for her doing a very nice thing.

Good point. OP’s user name must be her real name right, and she’s given all the identifying details including the man’s full name and the sister’s name.

Public indeed!

1FootInTheRave · 23/02/2020 20:13

Absolutely disgusting.

I'd be livid if I had donated 😡

Bakedbrie · 23/02/2020 20:14

It should have gone to charity pertinent to the individual and his life.

Catchuptv · 23/02/2020 20:15

Your sister should have given ALL the money to the family. It's wrong on so many levels.

If she had given them the full amount and after they decided to give her money that would be a different thing - but she still should have given it to a charity in that case. I don't know how she can cope knowing what's happened.

Tombakersscarf · 23/02/2020 20:18

Show her this thread Grin
I've gifted to various charitable things like this (ie individuals not actual charities) and I have specifically for one reason - why should I (or anyone else) be short by £10, £50, £100 so your sister can line her pockets?

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 23/02/2020 20:20

I would warn your sister to be very careful. Not only do you now know what she did (although as her sister I’m sure you wouldn’t spread it around) but the family of the deceased know and who else has she possibly told?
I doubt it will stay a secret, people talk and something like this could really damage a persons reputation.
I can’t believe she thinks it ok to keep it!

MrOnionsBumperRoller · 23/02/2020 20:22

When word gets out her name will be shit. Tell her in no uncertain terms to do the right thing OP.

phoenixrosehere · 23/02/2020 20:40

She gathered all the money together and gave it to the family. They took just over 5k off her and said that’s all they needed and told her she could keep the rest as a thank you which was around £700-800 give or take

So she did give them all the money and they gave the rest to her as a thank you. If she had done nothing, the family wouldn’t have been able to afford the funeral and whatever else they did in the first place.

I wouldn’t be bothered by this if I had donated tbh. I also wouldn’t have donated an amount I wouldn’t miss.

Pinkyyy · 23/02/2020 20:40

She needs to give it to them or donate it. Absolutely disgusting to accept such a large amount of money and keep it for herself, when it was given charitably.

Winter2020 · 23/02/2020 20:41

I think it goes beyond your sisters reputation and could be a police matter (fraud) if anybody reported it - for example someone the family told. I doubt your sister would feel so fine about her behaviour that she would like to see her picture in the local paper with the story.

I think she should transfer the money to the family as the people that donated it for the funeral would be happy for it to go to the family I'm sure. If she does gift it to charity she should ask for a receipt and tell the family what she did.

Ouchaheadinmybehind · 23/02/2020 20:41

She didn't keep the money, they gave it to her though

And she should give it back, insist it goes in any DC savings accounts or if no DC then just suggest a donation to a charity of their choice/memorial of some sort. Absolutely beyond belief she would think it’s okay to keep it!

EverythingChanges321 · 23/02/2020 20:42

Nope, sorry but I don’t think your sister is telling the whole truth and if she is lying, she could be charged with deception and face a court trial.

You said that the family were low earners and struggling to pay for funeral costs, so presumably they don’t have any savings?

If that’s the case, would they really tell your sister to keep £800 of the monies given by the deceased’s friend just for setting up a Facebook fundraiser?

I think you need to dig a little deeper before someone else does.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 23/02/2020 20:43

Madre1972 she did give it to the family ! They decided to give her the leftover back ! It wasn't her decision!

How do we know this, though? For all we know, it could have gone like this:

"We all loved Tom and thought it was the least we could do to club together to raise the money for his funeral."

"Thank you, that's so kind, but it's very expensive - slightly under £5K in total - there's no way people would have had such a massive amount spare to give. Even if they did, we'd feel so bad taking that much."

"No, that's no problem, there was enough to cover that. It was given for the express purpose of paying for his funeral - I'll get the £5K transferred across to you."

"Thank you so much, we wish we could find a way to express our gratitude to repay you for all your hard work in organising this...."

This may or may not be similar to what happened, but once word gets out, people who gave will assume the absolute worst - and any kind motives she originally had will be hugely overshadowed by people assuming she decided right from the start to exploit a young man's death for the exact purpose of cashing in.

You could always ask her to put a message out on FB asking those who gave what she should do with the money. If the majority of them say 'keep it for your effort', then she can do with a clear conscience.
Or she could just tell them exactly what happened and check they're all OK with what's happened.
Somehow, I doubt she'll want to do this....

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