Is my sister unreasonable?

[newyorkcheeseecake]

A man who I grew up with suddenly passed away at the beginning of the year. My older sister is best friends with said mans sister. He was only in his early 30’s and as a result didn’t have any life insurance. His family aren’t high earners so were understandably worried about how they were going to pay for the funeral. My sister (which I thought was a lovely idea) decided to start a fundraiser on Facebook so that people could donate money towards the cost of his funeral if they wanted to. A lot of friends and people of the community donated including myself, although I only donated £30 as that’s all I could afford. He was a very popular and much loved man and they raised just over 6k in total which covered all of it.

The family were very grateful for the help and he had a lovely send off. My sister, for some reason struggled to get the money at first as it took over two weeks for it to go into her account (not sure why Facebook held onto it but she managed to sort it in the end). The money all went into different bank accounts including her personal account, savings account, isa account and our dads account. She gathered all the money together and gave it to the family. They took just over 5k off her and said that’s all they needed and told her she could keep the rest as a thank you which was around £700-800 give or take. She’s put it into her savings account.

I went to visit her yesterday for a quick catch up and the conversation came up as I asked if she had sorted out the money yet and she told me all of this. AIBU to think this is just wrong? I appreciate she didn’t ask for the money and the family offered it to her but I find it awful that people have donated their hard earned cash (including myself) probably when they were all skint themselves and she’s kept some of it. I’m sure people will call me jealous which is absolutely not the case, I love my sister and I think what she did was lovely and very thoughtful but I just don’t agree with it. It feels really wrong to me that she has benefitted from other people’s money and I think giving it to a charity would have been better personally or maybe organising some sort of gathering/party in our friends name.

As far as I know she has only told me about this and I wonder if it’s because she knows people wouldn’t be very happy about it. It really has made me think twice about donating to these sorts of fundraisers now.

What do you guys think?

When word gets out her name will be shit. Tell her in no uncertain terms to do the right thing OP.
^^^ This!!!

As above!!!

Seriously, she would be an absolute fool to keep this money.

At some point someone in the family - who are clearly absolutely fine with giving this to her and won't see the issue in talking about it - will let on in conversation that they were so pleased to be able to give something back to the lovely woman who helped them so much... and her name will be absolute mud.

If she wants to wake up one morning being denounced all over facebook for being a robbing bitch and a scam merchant then tell her to carry straight on, but there is no way I'd risk that - I would absolutely either insist on it going back to them, to charity, or somehow going into something that relates to the deceased (offering to host a wake would be a good idea).

It WILL come out and she WILL live to regret this.

I don’t think she has done anything wrong. She offered the family the money, and they gifted it back to her.

But the people that donated thought it was for the funeral. I don’t suppose any of them thought they were donating to OP’s sister’s own good cause. It should most definitely be donated to charity imo.

the money was given for the deceased man, if I had donated I would be very annoyed and if the family didn’t want the money I’d want it given to a charity not some random person as a “reward” for the fund raising.

Absolutely this.

I think it's fine. They're essentially paying/thanking her for helping them arrange the funeral. She was part of the funeral process and without her it wouldn't have happened in the way it did. She made their lives slightly easier, and I am sure people who donated would be happy knowing that their money was, in one way or another, making the bereaved people's lives a bit easier. The family have chosen what to do with the £700-800, not your sister, and so it's fine.

He has very recently died. The family said to keep it. I wouldn't bother them again right now.

Id be holding on to it with the plan of putting it towards a memorial when the family are in the right frame of mind for it. Could you suggest something similar to your sister?

Or if you don't want your sister's name to be tarnished, as some posters have suggested it might, why not suggest she divides the money by the total of people who donated, and just refund that total to each person. Even if it's only a few pounds each, no one can complain then.

But the point is, while it is technically 'fine' as yes the family have made the decision, it actually would really not be fine at all for your average donor, so WHEN it comes out - your sister will be right in front of the shit-covered fan.

The family have made a poor judgement call, essentially - if they'd stopped and thought they should have given the money to charity and maybe made a token gift of say £50 to your sister.

However they won't be the ones to suffer for it, she'll be the one whose name is mud. Imagine the FB baying for blood, especially as there is already a FB donation page etc.

She should at the very least make it public on FB, just be straight up about the family having asked her to have some of the money.

It should be given to a charity chosen by the family on behalf of the man who passed away. Definitely not at all OK for her to keep it.

But the people that donated thought it was for the funeral. I don’t suppose any of them thought they were donating to OP’s sister’s own good cause. It should most definitely be donated to charity imo.

If these people all donated through Facebook, they would have seen when the amount requested was fulfilled. If some donated after the request was fulfilled then they likely left it to the family’s discretion.

What a rotten shame to poison something originally done with the best of intentions with what was effectively fraud.

I would be absolutely livid if I found this out as a donor and would probably contact the police. People have given for a particular cause they felt strongly about, not so your thieving sister can get a bonus

YANBU

My thoughts exactly @nocoolnamesleft . I will have a word with her when I see her this week, might say something along the lines of "people might be upset if they ever find out you kept the money". It might wake her up a bit.

I thought perhaps arranging a meal for the family would be nice, putting money behind the bar. Might take their mind off everything for one night at least.

I can't believe some of the attitudes towards the woman in question. She did something very thoughtful and kind and didn't ask for a penny of that money. It was gathered for the family, which made it their property, and if they decided to gift her a portion of it that's their right and no one else's business.

If you do stick your beak in here OP I hope your sister tells you where to go. I know I would!

I really cannot believe that some people think it's ok to keep money given as charity. I despair for humanity.
Btw you are not a shit sister, you are asking a question on a forum. You haven't accepted money from a grieving family.

Definitely a charity related to his cause of death.

That grieving family are obviously so relieved the OP's sister found a way to help them through a tough, painful and expensive time that they chose to reward her with a gift. That's between the family and the woman in question. When you give to a family in need what you give becomes their property. They decided they had enough in 5K and were entitled to choose what to do with the rest of their property.

It is strange to me too that nobody is demonising the family for gifting her that money, but somehow she's done something terrible by accepting it? Surely if the diversion of £800 away from funeral expenses is a terrible thing in itself then both parties involved are equally culpable?

If the Daily Fail gets a hold of this your sister will be very publicly outed. I do agree with everything you've said OP! YADNBU!!

The fundraiser was toward the cost of the funeral. So not just a general gift to the family.

It was gifted to the family for the funeral. There was money left over. It was their money to gift as they chose. They choose to give it to your sister.

There are loads of threads on here talking about gifts. And every time people say that once something is gifted to someone, it's that's to do what they like with.

Going against the bereaved family's wishes is unfair, surely?

IF I'd donated money for a funeral, and the bereaved family decided to not have an actual funeral I would think they should return the money.
In this case the money was collected by a third party. Since giving the money back would be tricky (who should get what back?) an appropriate use should be found for the money. Lining your own pockets is not an appropriate use.

Anyone who thinks this is ok has appalling judgement and very little personal integrity in my opinion.

It isn't ok. No one donated money so that your sister could put £800 into her bank account. It doesn't matter if the family told her to keep it (they too were very wrong and should have more thought for the intentions of people who donated). Your sister knows it is wrong to keep it. It's shabby, greedy behaviour. The whole amount in a cheque or bank transfer should have been given to the family.

Anyone who raises money for others should not expect to take a cut themselves. She has taken 14% of the donations. I would be furious with her and actually would be unable to speak to her again. It is despicable.

She needs to donate it to a charity related to his death and publish an account of the total that came in and what she did with it on her Facebook account so that the donors know how it has ALL been accounted for .

I don’t think she has done anything wrong. She offered the family the money, and they gifted it back to her.

Obtaining a pecuniary advantage by deception. It was kind of the family to let her keep it, but it wasn't really theirs to give. The people who donated would not have done so if they knew it wasn't going to the advertised cause. I'm pretty sure that's an offence.

Did they actually say "Keep it as a thank-you" or was it more like "Thank you, we have enough now, so you can keep it" i.e. keep it meaning 'you don't need to give it to us ' ?

Could they have thought that she regularly stepped in to help fundraise for people in tragic circumstances and meant keep it for your fund - help another similarly needy person/charity with it rather than us taking more than we actually need?

It was kind of the family to let her keep it, but it wasn't really theirs to give

Yes it was theirs to give. It was donated to them. They didn't use it all. They wanted to thank the sister.

For goodness' sake, respect this bereaved family's choice.