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AIBU?

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Original poster

How do I politely tell my friend I don't want to see her?

120 replies

Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 17:00

I won't go into the whole mess but I'm in a very bad place at the moment due to pregnancy loss.

One of my best friends is currently pregnant and whilst I don't mind talking to her on the phone or text, I do not want to see her. I just cannot face seeing her with a bump right now.

She keeps asking me if I'm free to do things and have a brew etc... How do I word this as nicely as possible? It's not a case of just getting a grip and seeing her, I really feel like I emotionally and mentally can't handle it right now.

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 23/02/2020 17:02

I think you have to be honest and say to your friend what you’ve said here.

HeartyGreenSalad · 23/02/2020 17:02

Does she know about your loss ?

Stabbitha · 23/02/2020 17:03

You poor thing. I'm sure if she's a true real friend she'll understand the truth .

Original poster
Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 17:04

Yes she knows. And she hasn't spoken about her pregnancy to me since which I never asked her to do but I appreciate. I don't think she's clocked on about seeing each other in person though, her having a bump etc...

OP posts:
peachypetite · 23/02/2020 17:04

Just tell her you aren’t up to socialising at the moment. That’s assuming she knows about your loss??

WickedlyPetite · 23/02/2020 17:08

I think what you've said in your OP sounds fine and you should say/text that to your friend...

"Hi Friend, I'm in a very bad place at the moment because of my pregnancy loss. I'm so happy for you and I really appreciate your sensitivity in not taking about your pregnancy to me, but I just can't face seeing you with a bump right now. Can we keep in touch just by phone for a while until I'm feeling a bit stronger please? Your friendship really means a lot to me and I hope you understand x"

Original poster
Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 17:09

I'm thinking of sending this?

Hey X,

Hope you're okay and everything is going well.

I'm sure you've noticed I've been a bit more distant recently and I just wanted to make sure you knew it's nothing you've done.

I'm not in a good place at the moment and am struggling emotionally with the whole thing. I love our chats, but I just don't think I'm ready yet to meet up in person.

I hope this doesn't change our friendship in the future and that you understand. I just feel like I need to protect myself mentally right now as much as possible but know that I am wishing you all the best xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 17:11

It sounds weird but I don't actually mind the thought of her having a baby. It wouldn't bother me, meeting her newborn.

But it's the being pregnant I can't bear to think about right now. I can't see her with a bump whilst I sit there awkwardly with my now flat stomach. I just can't.

OP posts:
FriedasCarLoad · 23/02/2020 17:12

I think it's a good idea to mention both that you appreciate her care and tact, and that it's seeing the bump that's worrying you. Otherwise it sounds like it could be to do with her personally.

Bluetrews25 · 23/02/2020 17:22

Yes, either send your draft or the one someone else suggested, both are fine.
So sorry you are feeling like this.

Aridane · 23/02/2020 17:25

@WickedlyPetite's is perfect

Mrsmadevans · 23/02/2020 17:27

'It sounds weird but I don't actually mind the thought of her having a baby. It wouldn't bother me, meeting her newborn.

But it's the being pregnant I can't bear to think about right now. I can't see her with a bump whilst I sit there awkwardly with my now flat stomach. I just can't.'
Yes send her that message it's fine Smile
I felt exactly the same when l lost my first baby. I think it is a common feeling and l really didn't mind once they had the babies either it was the pregnancy , l just couldn't bear it . She will be oblivious to how you feel , no one truly understands unless they have been through it l think.
I am so so sorry your lost your baby Flowers

Itwasntme1 · 23/02/2020 17:32

What a lovely message, your friend will totally understand.

I am sorry you are in a dark place, I hope you are getting the support you need. It does gradually get brighter. 💐

Italiangreyhound · 23/02/2020 17:36

The way you are feeling is perfectly natural. I think what you wrote sounds totally fine.

I felt the same, having problems with other women being pregnant but not with babies.

Thinking of you. Thanks

dottiedodah · 23/02/2020 17:37

I think she will understand ,Its very difficult for you ATM .Tell her you miss her but just feel unable to see her face to face .She will understand Im sure .Sending hugs to you Take care xx

Franklydear · 23/02/2020 17:44

@Disgustingly, I was the pregnant friend when my friend sadly lost hers, we were both around 4-5 months along, I understood she couldn’t bear to see me, or baby until after 6 months old, but regrettably our friendship didn’t recover, it’s just too painful, I guess, and it’s been so long, it would be weird now

Original poster
Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 17:48

I guess frankly, I'm selfishly hoping she won't have a problem still talking to me over the phone but just not in person.

I don't want to never hear from her again until she's given birth, I just don't want to physically see her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 17:49

Do you mean too painful for you or for your friend?

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 23/02/2020 17:51

Your message is grand. I would maybe add that it's the seeing her pregnant you can't cope with as it's not clear in your message. It's a normal reaction you are having and totally understandable. Flowers

Franklydear · 23/02/2020 17:58

@disgustinly, too painful for her, I had hoped that after she phisically recovered, we could keep talking and eventually build up to meeting again, my door was/is open, sadly things drifted away

carlyclock · 23/02/2020 17:59

I don't think you need to send that tbh. You are maintaining contact and if she mentions meeting up you can just say you don't feel up to it. Making a huge deal out of it with that message is more likely to cause a permanent rift, particularly as she will soon have a baby. I would carry on as you were and not make a big thing from it.

I'm sorry for your loss Thanks

polkadotpj · 23/02/2020 18:00

@WickedlyPetite has it spot on. Yours isn’t as specific about it being bump related
Hope you feel better soon my lovely

88hello88 · 23/02/2020 18:05

Bless you me and my sister were pregnant at the same time and I lost mine, I really distanced myself from her for same reasons as you. As cliche as it sounds just give it time. Its awful to go through Flowers you’ll get there

Original poster
Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 18:07

Perhaps Carly has a point. Do I need to mention the bump thing do you think? Or is it enough to say I'm just not up to meeting up at the moment?

OP posts:
Imanessexgirlgetmeoutofhere · 23/02/2020 18:15

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss.Flowers

I've been on both sides of the fence on this. When I lost my first pregnancy I found it hard to see pregnant women and it felt like everyone else was announcing their happy news whilst I was suffering my own grief so I can completely understand where you are coming from.

A bit different I also experienced being pregnant when my best friends IVF failed. Her second attempt failed as I gave birth to my DS. Both times I made the first move and explained I want to comfort her but completely understood if it was too painful for her. She appreciated it both times and we took it at her pace.

Be kind to yourself, I'm sure your friend will understand, she may already realise. In time you will be ready for face to face contact but for now you need to look after yourself