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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I politely tell my friend I don't want to see her?

120 replies

Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 17:00

I won't go into the whole mess but I'm in a very bad place at the moment due to pregnancy loss.

One of my best friends is currently pregnant and whilst I don't mind talking to her on the phone or text, I do not want to see her. I just cannot face seeing her with a bump right now.

She keeps asking me if I'm free to do things and have a brew etc... How do I word this as nicely as possible? It's not a case of just getting a grip and seeing her, I really feel like I emotionally and mentally can't handle it right now.

OP posts:

shudup · 23/02/2020 20:45

Please please don't tell a pregnant woman that you can't bear to see their bump. Just don't.

Original poster

Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 20:48

How would you feel if your friends ostracised you because you had suffered a loss?

Well what actual reason would someone have to do that? It's hardly the same.

If someone went through this and I were pregnant I'd completely understand if they felt they couldn't see me and to be honest, I'd probably work out why whether it was explicitly said or not.

I'm not angry, it's just quite evident you've no experience of it and therefore no understanding.

OP posts:

actionstationsplease · 23/02/2020 20:48

OP, I have been where you are. Seeing bumps caused me immense pain for a good while after losing our son. I understand the need to protect yourself. Take as much time as you need to work out how to handle your grief.

I did discover that some friends just didn't know how to behave or what to say. Some withdrew, others were just trying too hard. TellIng your friend exactly how you feel is, I think, the best option.

I am so sorry for your loss

shudup · 23/02/2020 20:49

I'm not angry, it's just quite evident you've no experience of it and therefore no understanding.

Oh boy, you'd be surprised the experience I have.

Original poster

Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 20:52

And I'm not ostracising my friend either. I'm doing that to myself. I'm not telling the rest of our friends that they can't speak to her or see her. That would be ostracism.

I'm excluding myself from the situation.

OP posts:

shudup · 23/02/2020 20:54

This is both a fragile and precious time for your friend. It will do your health good to see beyond your pain to try to share in her joy. When you're pregnant, you're super sensitive. I would be extremely hurt if my friend told me she didn't want to see or my 'bump'. It would take the joy out of it for me and you risk losing her.

shudup · 23/02/2020 20:56

Which is why you need to communicate that it's YOU who has the problem. It's not her being pregnant or her 'bump'.

Original poster

Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 20:59

Oh okay, no bother for the silly barren woman who's just lost her own baby two weeks ago, so long as my friend gets to share her joy with me that's okay.

When you're pregnant, you're super sensitive

Yeah... Depression sort of works that way too...

I'm well aware that being pregnant is the best fucking thing in the world. My friend has plenty of people she can get giddy with and jump up and down about how excited she is. Unfortunately due to circumstances, that person isn't me right now. I'm not saying it will never be again, but for right now, it's not.

OP posts:

Original poster

Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 21:00

In what way have I suggested she is the problem?

I've even said myself that maybe not mentioning her bump is best but some people prefer honesty (as a lot of PPs have said themselves). You seem to think that I should just get over it though.

OP posts:

Bumbers · 23/02/2020 21:01

@shudup you are a deeply insensitive and unpleasant person.

@disgustingly - your friend will understand. Wishing you all the best

FizzyGreenWater · 23/02/2020 21:02

OP I'm so sorry for your loss

I think your message is perfect.

And even if it weren't absolutely 100% perfect I still think you should send it and stop agonising, as I think you really need to put yourself first right now.

If she is a good friend, that lovely, sensitive message will be all she needs to know and it will all be fine.

Look after yourself x

shudup · 23/02/2020 21:03

Barren isn't an appropriate word here - first of all because it's an awful word and second of all because you're not 'barren' if you've been pregnant.
I'm sorry for your loss, but please don't be consumed by hate and anger.

Itwasntme1 · 23/02/2020 21:03

OP please don’t upset yourself by reading the hurtful posts here.

Your friend will absolutely understand, most people would.

RebeccaCloud9 · 23/02/2020 21:04

Please, please @disgustingly, focus on the positive advice here. It is lovely that you are considering your friend's feelings and are going to send her a message explaining how you feel. When I was pregnant, my friend who was struggling with fertility just completely blanked me from the moment I told her (I'd been tearing my hair out trying to tell her in the best way). I totally understood and gave her space, but a message like the one you suggested would have meant so much to me, and would have guided me with how much space she wanted. You are a very good friend and I'm sorry you're struggling.

Original poster

Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 21:04

I was being sarcastic as to the insensitive nature of your post.

Oh and neither was 'ostracised' but didn't that stop you.

OP posts:

shudup · 23/02/2020 21:05

I'm not insensitive. I've been the victim of a woman suffering from antenatal depression however.

Alonelonelyloner · 23/02/2020 21:06

OP there is on deeply unpleasant and warped individual on here who I don't think even properly understands the vocabulary they're using (ostracise??!) please ignore them. They are trolling you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are right to worry about your feelings now. Your friend can worry about her's and as she's your friend (not some random internet narcissist) she'll understand. Much love to you.

Elclr · 23/02/2020 21:09

Personally, I never told my friends I couldn't handle seeing their bump. I just made a lot of excuses (saying I was working rather than meet up etc).

I finally had to bite the bullet when my sister in law announced her pregnancy. I couldn't avoid that.

Please don't feed the negativity on here. It's not going to help you now. It will get easier and it will get better. I promise.

Original poster

Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 21:10

Thanks Alone, I will ignore now.

OP posts:

Marriedwithchildren5 · 23/02/2020 21:11

Be as angry as you like op. I think @shudup has no empathy for anyone and turns every situation into how shes been wronged. I've met a few people like that.
I was in a similar situation with a friend who lost her baby and I was pregnant. I'd have understood and done everything I could to make it easier.

Most people would do the same.

PonteLaCorona · 23/02/2020 21:11

This happened with my best friend. She did not want to see me or even talk to me throughout my pregnancy and I completely understood because she was hurting. She is still my best friend and I still love her.

Do not do what Shudup is suggesting and put aside your actual need to protect your mental health in favour of someone else's "sensitivity".

With all respect, Shudup, I am so sorry if you have suffered losses too, but what worked for your health will not work for everyone. OP knows how her mental health is better than anyone else here.

I've suffered losses too (two during my best friend's pregnancy, so I've been there). We all experience and process our losses differently, and that is fine. If you protect yourself by avoiding bumps and pregnancy, then that is fine and a good friend will understand. Your draft sounded lovely. It would not have upset me at all to recieve that.

Original poster

Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 21:13

Elclr, thanks.

My original message I thought to send doesn't mention the bump so I think I'll send that and just maybe tweek a few bits in it.

The bump was mentioned in my OP as an explanation as to why I felt I couldn't see her because that's the truth. I've not said I'm definitely going to say that to her.

I've managed to avoid with excuses like work etc.. until now but I do feel bad so I think saying outright that I can't meet up yet is the thing to do.

OP posts:

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 23/02/2020 21:16

I have never suffered any pregnancy losses and (sorry I know you probably dont want to hear this) got pregnant so quickly it took me by surprise and I found it difficult. I think your suggested text sounds fine, I think if your friend is a decent person she will have enough empathy to recognise that other people may find it difficult to be around what she is going through. As long as you explain your reasons and are still in touch with your friend through other means, I dont think not seeing her in person should matter if she is a good friend

DrunkUnicorn · 23/02/2020 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EverythingChanges321 · 23/02/2020 21:19

Sorry for your loss @Dusgustingly.

Shudup has form for posting troll type posts to wind people up on several threads so I wouldn’t take any notice OP. Just ignore and move on.

Look after yourself and I’m sure your lovely friend will understand why you won’t want to meet up with her for now.

Take care of yourself.

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