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Original poster

How do I politely tell my friend I don't want to see her?

120 replies

Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 17:00

I won't go into the whole mess but I'm in a very bad place at the moment due to pregnancy loss.

One of my best friends is currently pregnant and whilst I don't mind talking to her on the phone or text, I do not want to see her. I just cannot face seeing her with a bump right now.

She keeps asking me if I'm free to do things and have a brew etc... How do I word this as nicely as possible? It's not a case of just getting a grip and seeing her, I really feel like I emotionally and mentally can't handle it right now.

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 23/02/2020 18:19

You need to mention finding it hard seeing her bump or it doesn't really make sense.

I'm so sorry OP, really shitty what you're going through x

Itsonlywords · 23/02/2020 18:28

Sorry for your loss OP Flowers

I don't think that you are being unreasonable, and if I was the friend I would appreciate the note. Not as you need to explain yourself, but as she hasn't mentioned her pregnancy, it's likely that she is being thoughtful but perhaps doesn't know what you need for the best.

Merryoldgoat · 23/02/2020 18:29

My friend lost her twin pregnancy when I was pregnant - they were due within 3 weeks of my due date. I absolutely understood her not wanting to see me.

Hope you feel better soon.

SalmonOfKnowledge · 23/02/2020 18:29

I wouldn't put in the bit about being feeling distant.

That seems to imply you feel you're disconnecting.

Leave that bit out!

If you say you value the friendship but aren't feeling strong enough right now to SEE her bump, that is all you need to say.

x

bridgetreilly · 23/02/2020 18:37

I would mention the bump. Otherwise she might think that you're claiming not to be up to socialising at all and then wonder why you're meeting up with other friends.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/02/2020 18:39

Say what you’ve said. It’s lovely. Then maybe add.

I’m really looking forward to meeting your baby and I love talking to you on the phone. Can we just stay with for now?

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/02/2020 18:40

-* StAy with chats for now.

Redwinestillfine · 23/02/2020 18:46

Just say 'just feeling very fragile and it's too hard to physically see bumps right now, ...this doesn't mean I am not beyond thrilled for you, but it's just very triggering for me.

Snailandthewhale · 23/02/2020 18:57

She will understand OP
What you're feeling is completely normal and she's just trying to do what she can but will understand when you explain to her. Send the text and don't over think it, you've enough on your plate right now. Xx

Nancydrawn · 23/02/2020 19:06

Honestly I wouldn't say anything about the bump. As you've put it, you're already clear that you care about her and that it's just too much to see people right now. I think it's honest but not brutal as it stands.

Mylittlepea · 23/02/2020 19:33

Bless you, so sorry for your loss, it’s heartbreaking.

A bit different but when I was going through IVF years ago, I somehow couldn’t bear seeing bumps during treatment and even more so after failures. And most of my friends & some colleagues were pregnant too, I couldn’t bear it. They were sensitive though but I kept my distance.

It was hard times but after 5 attempts, we’ve got 2 children so keep the faith, it will get better.

Sending love to you x

shudup · 23/02/2020 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 20:26

Shudup, I never said she was the problem? I am well aware it's my problem, my mental health, my emotions. I'm no angry at her for daring to have a successful pregnancy ffs.

But looking after my own mental state in this situation is important, and a priority for me right now.

Have you suffered fertility problems before? Or a pregnancy loss? How about multiple of them? If not, then I don't particularly think I'll value your opinion quite the same thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 20:29

I'd like to hear your big suggestion as a solution? Just go anyway and worsen my depression?

OP posts:
Robs20 · 23/02/2020 20:32

I think you should tell her the truth. When dd1 died I didn’t want to see my nct friends and their toddlers. More than a year on, I still meet the mums for dinner. They continue to invite me to picnics and brunches with mum/ dad/ child but I politely decline and be honest that I’m still not in a place to see the children. Your friend will know the reason you don’t want to see her but it probably needs to be said.

Surfer25 · 23/02/2020 20:32

I think it would be best to say that you're not up for socialising at the moment...make it sound like it is with everyone and not just her.

Say you hope that by the time her baby is born you really think you will be doing so much better and will love to meet her baby.

That way she doesnt think it is just her, even though it is...and that you do plan to see her again and in a way just letting her know it will take a while longer but you are happy to meet when baby is here.

Robs20 · 23/02/2020 20:33

Ps @Disgustingly you must absolutely protect yourself and look after your MH. If this is a good friend she will understand.

Newkitchen123 · 23/02/2020 20:35

I think you should tell her
I'm sure she'll understand
Ignore that rude post!

shudup · 23/02/2020 20:35

My suggestion would be to say that you're not yourself at the moment due to your loss. I would not in any way refer to her bump as has been suggested. Way to make the woman feel self conscious about her pregnancy...

Original poster
Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 20:36

Thank you. I don't know how long I'll feel this way for. I'm hoping with some counselling etc... I may be able to move forward from this. It's certainly not a case of 'I never want to see you or your child'. Hopefully I may even be able to see her before they are born but right now, I'm not in a good enough place (it was only very recently).

OP posts:
Original poster
Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 20:37

Shudup, that isn't what your initial reply said.

OP posts:
Original poster
Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 20:38

I'll take your non answer of my question as an answer too.

OP posts:
Elclr · 23/02/2020 20:40

I've been in your shoes. No problems with babies, but for a long time pregnancy and especially announcements of pregnancy were a massive issue for me. Tears. Many, many tears.

I made my excuses. Hid from all my pregnant friends. They all understood to a point and luckily we are all still close now.

One thing I will say, is it gets less painful. I'm still without a child, but I can now face other people's happy news with genuine happiness.

Good luck, and I'm sorry for your loss.

EvaHarknessRose · 23/02/2020 20:42

I was going to say I definitely think it would be worth mentioning that you will be so happy to meet her child, and would love to talk to her on the phone but are struggling with the bump. Then arrange to phone her to show you really mean it. I'm sorry for your loss x

shudup · 23/02/2020 20:42

No need to be angry at me. How would you feel if your friends ostracised you because you had suffered a loss? Or if you were pregnant and nobody would speak to you as they couldn't see your bump? You need to think outside of yourself I feel.