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Original poster

How do I politely tell my friend I don't want to see her?

120 replies

Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 17:00

I won't go into the whole mess but I'm in a very bad place at the moment due to pregnancy loss.

One of my best friends is currently pregnant and whilst I don't mind talking to her on the phone or text, I do not want to see her. I just cannot face seeing her with a bump right now.

She keeps asking me if I'm free to do things and have a brew etc... How do I word this as nicely as possible? It's not a case of just getting a grip and seeing her, I really feel like I emotionally and mentally can't handle it right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 21:23

I guess I'm not used to the kind of person who spends their evenings trying to wind up a woman who's just lost their baby... Scary!

Thank you x

OP posts:
Franklydear · 23/02/2020 21:25

@disgustinly, my friend told me the absolute truth, well, she couldn't so got her husband to, a friend also, and then communicated by email, the first time she saw my baby, she cried the whole time, I wasn't offended by any of it, I think honesty is best, especially to help getting back to normal later

shudup · 23/02/2020 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JustForTheTasteOfIt · 23/02/2020 21:26

Please ignore @shudup OP, you've handled this situation with grace and sensitivity and a decent person would understand how you feel.

I'm sure your friend is lovely and not so staggeringly insensitive as to say any of the things that someone so spiteful has said on this thread has said.

Tell your friend you love her and wish you didn't feel this way but you're doing everything you can at the moment to stay healthy and are so excited to meet her little one when they arrive.

Again, decent people will understand and you sound lovely and kind, do not let the words of a poster on here make you think otherwise.

@shudup your words are those of a bully, not a victim.

JustForTheTasteOfIt · 23/02/2020 21:28

Sorry for bold fail!

earlgreynomilk · 23/02/2020 21:29

Please ignore @shudup OP. I'm really sorry for your loss.

Your message to your friend is fine. I'm sure she will understand and support you.

shudup · 23/02/2020 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheReef · 23/02/2020 21:30

Your message sounds fine op, if I was the friend I'd be happy you clarified it wasn't me that had upset you, and just want to support you whatever way I could.

JustForTheTasteOfIt · 23/02/2020 21:31

Why does her bump bother you so?

You know exactly why and goading her to explain it again when she has done so eloquently is shameful.

I'm so sorry OP I'm shocked that someone has hijacked this thread with vitriolic posts. You don't deserve it at all and the rest of us understand you perfectly.

Original poster
Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 21:33

JustFor, yes it's hard to believe someone could find it that difficult to understand why.

Anyway, thanks for the good advice Smile I'll be speaking to said friend tomorrow.

OP posts:
shudup · 23/02/2020 21:33

You know exactly why

No I don't. Which is why I'm asking. As much for the OP to think about as for me to hear the answer.

VettiyaIruken · 23/02/2020 21:34

Did you seriously just ask the op why her friend's bump bothers her?

What the actual fuck is wrong with you?

Op, any reasonable person reading this understands you are grieving and in pain right now and where you are coming from. X

Original poster
Disgustingly · 23/02/2020 21:34

If you'd like to reread my posts Shudup, that may help you with your mental block.

OP posts:
Moominmammaatsea · 23/02/2020 21:35

Why is @shudup not banned for such merciless trolling?

shudup · 23/02/2020 21:35

With respect, I'm not the one with the problem here.....

shudup · 23/02/2020 21:36

How the fuck am I trolling?

Alonelonelyloner · 23/02/2020 21:37

The sounds of crickets........

SarahAndQuack · 23/02/2020 21:38

OP, I am so sorry for your loss.

FWIW, my best friend (whom I love dearly) had to do exactly this, when my DP was pregnant with our baby. I had been delighted when she got pregnant, and had been so eager to share it all with her. Then she miscarried. She sent me a message saying very briefly and formally that she was unable to speak to me for the foreseeable future.

I thought only how awful it was for her. As did my pregnant DP. It would never, ever have occurred to us to feel any other way. We couldn't begin to imagine how she must have been feeling about pregnant friends (and I have had miscarriages myself, but never when such a close friend was pregnant).

Of course we did exactly what she asked - I just replied to let her know I had seen and understood her message, and I loved her. Then we didn't talk.

Much further down the line we are still very close friends, but I would never have wanted to jeopardise that friendship by pushing her to do anything she didn't want to do. The bottom line is that you have suffered a loss. You get to dictate the terms. Your friend, if she's any friend at all, will only want to do whatever you need right now.

Sunshinegirl82 · 23/02/2020 21:38

It is completely ok to prioritise yourself right now OP. Your friend has stopped talking about her pregnancy which suggests she already acknowledges it might be difficult for you. She will understand how you feel I'm sure. She would have to be spectacularly insensitive to make any of this about her.

I'm sorry for your loss.

PointlessAddict · 23/02/2020 21:40

So sorry for your loss. You sound lovely and your friend sounds like she’s been sensitive so far.

I’d probably go with just mentioning it on the phone as opposed to sending a message x you’ve put it perfectly on here, so just something along those lines x

Alonelonelyloner · 23/02/2020 21:40

There have been many lovely replies. I think kindness and friendship wins out and your friend, who loves you I'm sure, will understand.Thanks

shudup · 23/02/2020 21:41

She would have to be spectacularly insensitive to make any of this about her.

Who is it about then?

MotherOfAllNameChanges · 23/02/2020 21:41

Ignore @shudup OP

If this is a good friend she'll totally understand.
I wouldn't go into too many details, just say you are finding it hard to be around pregnant women at the moment because of your loss. You still love her & would rather chat on the phone or text right now.

Hugs. You will be ok I promise xx

JustForTheTasteOfIt · 23/02/2020 21:41

@MNHQ

This thread is an example of a poster behaving in a way that absolutely goes against talk guidelines. It really, really obviously does. Please take a look.

OP I'm sorry for derailing but it's so important that women in a vulnerable situation feel able to talk in a safe space on here without someone bullying them and repeatedly pushing them when there is absolutely no need.

This isn't what MN is about. Honesty and cruelty are different things.

Bagofoldbones · 23/02/2020 21:46

Disgustingly I’m sorry for your lossFlowers

We had infertility problems for a long time. Two eptopics, one MC but amazing two successful IVF babies. I know where your heads at right now.

Is she a good friend?

Because if she is she would totally understand. Be honest with her. But if you really do want to keep her as a friend - you keep the chats flowing. I’d tell her it’s the bump and you might feel better in a month or two but you don’t want to lose her friendship.

You will feel better in time. But dig deep and go and see the baby when it’s born, fake it till you make it otherwise it will fester in you and you’ll end up rejecting her too.

I hope you have love and support right now my love. Flowers

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