How do I politely tell my friend I don't want to see her?

[Disgustingly]

I won't go into the whole mess but I'm in a very bad place at the moment due to pregnancy loss.

One of my best friends is currently pregnant and whilst I don't mind talking to her on the phone or text, I do not want to see her. I just cannot face seeing her with a bump right now.

She keeps asking me if I'm free to do things and have a brew etc... How do I word this as nicely as possible? It's not a case of just getting a grip and seeing her, I really feel like I emotionally and mentally can't handle it right now.

@JustForTheTasteOfIt 👏👏👏👏

I'm sorry for your loss. I would certainly understand if I were your friend.

You have to be pretty damn dense not to realise that sitting opposite a pregnant friend as the bump visibly grows from week to week would make the OP think about where she "should" be in her pregnancy. I've reported said poster.

@shudup

Who is it about then?

Not you.

Because shockingly not everything is about you, which you don't seem to have realised.

Is she a good friend?

Yes she is. She's one of the best. I have no doubt in my mind she'll be understanding. I just wanted people's views on the best way to say it. It's not just something I'm sending willy nilly. I want to make sure she knows that I still love her.

OP. Just be honest with your friend, and yes do mention it's seeing her pregnant that you can't face just now. I'm sure she'll understand (I've been in your friend's position with a friend who couldn't bear to be in touch with me, I understood).

Also, I've reported the troll.

Given what happened with caroline flack and the let's talk mental health phrase. Be mindful of what you say as she may just come over and talk about things x

I want to make sure she knows that I still love her.
She'll know. Just make sure that you include it in your already perfect message.
for you.

I've also reported the unpleasant poster.

What you wrote is perfect and I’m sure she’ll understand why you feel the way you do. As long as you explain rather than just distancing from her, she’ll get it. 🌹

@JustForTheTasteOfIt

Hope you don't mind, but you said it so well I am just going to C+P it

@MNHQ

This thread is an example of a poster behaving in a way that absolutely goes against talk guidelines. It really, really obviously does. Please take a look.

OP I'm sorry for derailing but it's so important that women in a vulnerable situation feel able to talk in a safe space on here without someone bullying them and repeatedly pushing them when there is absolutely no need.

This isn't what MN is about. Honesty and cruelty are different things.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

I'm sorry for your loss OP 💐 I'm fortunate I've not had a loss but I do know the feeling about struggling around people who are pregnant, and I think it can be harder the closer the person is to you for some reason.

How many weeks pregnant is your friend? Does she have long to go?

Dear OP, I hope you won’t mind me posting here as my circumstances are not the same, but like many posters above I want positive to triumph over negativity and I’m really sorry for you that another poster feels compelled to kick a fellow woman when she is at rock bottom. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss, I empathise with your heart break.

I am an adoptive parent to two gorgeous girls (8 year gap between them) but I have been pregnant on multiple occasions with my biological children. Sadly, none of these pregnancies came to fruition.

I have hated really good friends with a visceral loathing when they were carrying their healthy pregnancies to fruition while I was hospitalised having to go through labour in a second trimester termination.

Up until then, my life had been blessed so it was really hard to cope with the sense of loss and failure versus my friends’ success and completion.

More than a decade on, my good friends are still my good friends, we all have families of different sizes, shapes and permutations, and we still all love each other enough to respect each other’s feelings, wishes and boundaries.

It’s a really trite truism, but time can be a great healer.

The simple answer is, tell her how you feel. If she is anything but understanding and in agreeance, she's not a friend.
As much as I would miss my best friend if I couldn't see them, I wouldn't think twice about doing what they wanted in their time of need.

@pontelacorona

Thank you, I think it's so important to stop vitriolic posters taking over sensitive threads

Just want to very kindly put an alternative view point forwards.

I have been in your position OP. I had a miscarriage just as a really really close friend of mine got pregnant. And just to rub salt in the wound, my cousin got pregnant shortly afterwards too.

It was a bleak time and I was grief stricken. But the thing was, my close friend was pregnant because of IVF. It was her sixth attempt. I’d been there by her side all the way through her fertility journey and seen all her lowest lows. There was just no way that I could spoil her joy by telling her about my miscarriage and making her worried about me, and possibly make her feel guilty.

So I never told her and I sucked it up, painted on a smile and I supported her through her successful pregnancy.

Even though I was dying inside I knew that it was something I needed to face head on. And do you know what? It wasn’t as bad as I was dreading. Once I got used to her pregnancy I found it was easier to be around it. I think if I’d have stopped meeting up with her for the whole nine months it would have irreparably damaged our friendship. I just needed to rip the plaster off quickly, front out the pain and be a friend.

Might that be an option for you?

If not? I do think you should be honest and tell her. At least then she’s not going to be imagining all sorts of things that she might have done to upset you.

@RUOK, you sound like such a lovely and kind friend.

But, FWIW, I have had six unsuccessful pregnancies and two atttempts at fertility treatment that never took, and I would never want a friend going through pregnancy loss to feel they had to support me.

I think a friend who can't cope with what the OP is going for is not a real friend.

Of course I see your point that it is often so important to share when you are in pain. You form a special bond.

But, I do not think the OP should feel she has to see her friend during a pregnancy. If it's too much for her, that is her choice. Her friend will still be there later on.

Your message is good. Definitely add in that seeing her bump will be distressing and that you know you'll be fine with her newborn and can't wait to meet him/her. Also say you want to stay in contact just in person is currently too hard for you. Tell her whether you can cope yet with chat about pregnancy aches and pains, choosing paint for the nursery and all that. Keeping your close friends is vital to recovery.

I was the same as RUOKHon though, it did me the power of good to spend time with the pregnant friends. I would take the approach, in your own mind, of not being ready to see her bump yet.

Thank you. And thank you RuokHon.

I had thought of that but to be honest it's all far too raw. I'm still crying randomly at TV programmes and adverts for nappies. I think I'm not strong enough to power through but yes it is very much a 'yet' thing.

I'm starting some counselling next week, who knows maybe in the near future I'll feel differently. I hope I do!

OP, I think it's lovely that you are writing to your friend whilst grieving for your loss - very brave and kind of you.

I had a friend who went through something similar and she closed off to me entirely, no matter how much I tried to support/give space/ be there for
her etc. Broke my heart to lose that friendship so I'm pleased you have not cut off entirely.

((Hugs)) OP. I’ve been there. I could cope with babies but not with bumps/pregnancy. Think it was something to do with knowing there is more than one way to end up with a baby but why couldn’t I get/stay pregnant like all the other women in the world?

I think/hope your friend will understand.

How many weeks were you when you lost your baby? I have miscarried.
I had a best friend loose 3 children and a grandchild in an accident (her grandchild was a few weeks older than my baby at the time and her youngest child was best friends with mine) the babies were 12 and 6weeks, the 2 friends were 7. My friend never wanted to look in the pram, cant blame her (opposite sex) I never asked her to..15 years later, she still struggles to see my child that's ages with her grandson, but she loves seeing my child that was best friends with hers.
I think what I'm trying to say is we deal with grief and pain differently.
I wish you well for the future xxx