Aibu - requiring consent of deadbeat exh to travel

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I've just returned from a holiday in the Netherlands with Dd who is 4. Her father and I split when I was pregnant, divorced shortly after her birth, his contact is sporadic at best as he us an alcoholic. He has never paid any child maintenance. On both entering and leaving I was asked did i permission from him to travel with her. I have never been asked this entering Spain, Italy, Greece. Several days ago and I am still so upset/ angry about it. I understand they are trying to prevent child abduction and I didn't explain my situation to the immigration officer. I am going to ask my exh for a letter of consent to travel with her as I can imagine it's only going to get worse leaving the EU, but it does seem to me endemic sexism. I cannot enforce any reciprocal child maintenance claim/ order because I am resident inn the Uk/ British and he is Dutch, but the Dutch authorities exoect me to get his consent to travel with the child I provide everything for?
I'm planning to take her back to the Netherlands, with a letter of consent. If I make this point at immigration next time am I likely to get in trouble. Am I being unreasonable to feel so affronted by this? I'

YABU. It's the law, and it's not sexist. If it were the other way around, he would also need your permission to take the children out of the UK if he was a UK citizen. I imagine the Dutch system is similar.

You're taking this too personally. It's the law here (not sure about other places) to have permission from the other parent, if they have parental consent, to take them out of the country. It would just have been a standard enquiry. Nothing to do with sexism, they'd have asked him too.

As a single parent myself with not a great relationship with my ex, I do understand how annoying this is though. I think a general letter of consent to travel from him would be a good idea. I wouldn't make a point of showing it. Wait til they ask.

YABU. It’s the law; don’t take it personally.

It isn’t sexist, every passport control should be asking if the other legal guardian has given consent for their child to leave the country.

I’m a single adoptive parent, I have been asked every time we have left the country (including eurostar) if I have the permission of his other legal parent, he doesn’t have another legal parent so I always travel with a copy of his adoption certificate. I’m male, if it was a sexist policy I wouldn’t be asked.

It’s a rubbish law especially for someone in your position who is bringing up a child on your own. He doesn’t help but he gets to say whether you can take her abroad.

What does the letter need to say?

It's the law, I'm actually surprised you could travel. I was asked when dd was 17! Luckily I had the consent letter and my mouthy dd gave the border guard a few words (my then h had simply flown on a different flight in my case). Get his pr taken away and a legal letter

Does your passport surname match your child's passport surname?

I haven't been challenged but friends have. If me and DD travel without DH I carry a letter, as would he if he ever travelled with her alone. But I do wonder if marching surnames is less likely to flag this up.

It’s not sexism ffs

I have a solicitors appointment booked for this week as my ex who has not seen my child for over 6 years and has no contact is on the birth certificate we got questioned coming back from France so am now worried about travelling any where in case we got stopped from going. My child would be heart broken to think he was going somewhere and then stopped because of a man he has no contact with and won’t even speak about!
From what I have been told it’s going to be a lengthy process and means my ex will need to be contacted which is something I’m dreading, not fair on my child who can not go on holiday but he can fly around the world as much as he likes!

I once travelled back from Turkey, and at passport control an English man was stopped from taking his daughter through because she had a different surname and he wasn't with her mother, not did he have a letter of permission. They were returning from a holiday with other family. The passport control woman took them both into a room behind the passport booths and we could hear him getting very agitated. He then made a phone call, passed his phone to the woman who passed it to the child (she looked about 8) and eventually was let through. He was absolutely distraught but said he didn't think there'd be a problem. The phone call was to the girl's mum.
This was about 5 years ago, and I believe it's much stricter now.

@HeyMac

I was wondering the same thing. I’ve yet to be asked about this. We flew from the Netherlands (me, my children, and my parents) in October with three different surnames and two different passports (American and British). My sons and I have the same surname but different passports.

No it's standard. DH is Dutch but we live in England. He was once detained an hour before they let him fly home to the UK with our eldest dd. They have the same name and it was a return flight home booked by ME.

They couldn't get hold of me on the phone, ridiculously, they called her nursery and they it was confirmed by the staff she was traveling home, so they just gave him a warning for future travel.

My husband (same surname as kids) has been asked this at Dutch border control AND British. Dutch are particularly strict in Europe although if you read on .gov.uk you also need such letter for the UK. It is not sexist in the least and is to prevent parental child abduction of which there are more cases than you probably think.

I travel frequently with the kids alone and have never been asked, but never been to The Netherlands.

Does seem draconian in the absence of other risk factors, but then it must be devastating to lose your child if they are abducted by their other parent.

I totally understanding your massive irritation though.

YABU. It is the law in the UK, and it applies to all parents, separated or otherwise.

I always travel with the correct documentation (ex refused permission to take kids to Spain 8 years ago so I applied for a residency order which gives me permission to travel without his authority). In that time, including many European trips to visit family and summer holidays, plus one trip to America with their incredible immigration procedures, I've only been asked for the paperwork once, at an obscure European land border. This week on a day trip to France by ferry passport control/immigration took an incredible 2 hours and my paperwork was scrutinised.

It's a pain but yes, you will need his permission as our border controls tighten.

As an aside, don't the Dutch authorities have some sort of reciprocal child maintenance system? I'm sure I read about it, but you would need to go through UK court system rather than CMS.

I've traveled with both my children a lot without their Dad - my family live in Europe so I'll take them to visit and DH will sometimes join us later or leave early etc. I've never once been asked. I don't think this is sexism exactly (although I do get where you're coming from with that) but the inconsistency is annoying. It wouldn't have occurred to me to have a letter from DH so it would have come as a surprise if I ever did get asked. Might get one now and keep it with the passports, just in case....

It's law and more and more countries are enforcing it.

I have a court order so no need for permission luckily

Well done to the border staff for trying to prevent child abduction. YABU about this situation but I can see that you are in a difficult position with your ex so it may be a sensitive issue for you. Sorry you are having a difficult time.

As already stated it is the law. I used to travel on a Dutch passport and my 2 ds on UK passports ( and with their dads surname). Always got questioned. I used to travel with both birth certs and a letter from my husband. However once they also asked if I had a copy of the dads passport with me ??? ( no, never considered that). Now they both have Dutch passports and I’ve noticed it’s easier to travel and just my answer that the dad is aware we are travelling is sufficient. (Most questions are by the Dutch when I’m actually trying to fly them back to their dad 😄).
Now I don’t take letters anymore, they are in their teens and I assume they would be able to answer for themselves if questioned.

Read this:

www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

Op, I find the easiest thing is to carry a letter of consent. The officials have to ask, you have to show them something.
I forged a letter years ago, put it in an envelope, posted it to myself, and have been using it ever since.
They have no way of checking the signature and just want an easy answer. I take ds on holiday regularly and bring him back, our home is here, his school is here, I’m hardly going to move us to Tibet!
The whole process is an absurd game but playing it their way will get you through quicker.

YANBU in terms of how you feel.

We're in a similar position re background (a father who is uninvolved, alcoholic, rarely in contact, paying nothing, living overseas etc... ) While I understand that the law is one size fits all, it makes me simmer with rage when any organisation assumes exH has ever been an equal and active parent. I half-wish he was never on the birth certificate, purely for admin reasons, although as we were married I don't know if there was an option.

Due to work, I've been a frequent traveller with DD since babyhood. Luckily, we've never been stopped or questioned about her father at passport checks. I've also written letters of consent for her to travel with other relatives and nannies but never occurred to me that exH should do one too. She has both surnames and was always pretty articulate. The thought of trying to get her dad to put pen to paper and produce a formal letter acceptable to any authority would be a nightmare. Not because he would refuse but because he's so chaotic. If I had to have it, I would probably write it myself and ask one of his family to get him to sign it.

I travel with DC a lot and have experienced some degree of questioning.
I always put it down to various levels of allert. If police / customs are looking for someone who matches your criteria (dark hair/ blue eyes...), they will take a closer look.

I carry letters of consent and other docs (birth certificates etc) when i travel with my eldest dd as she has my exh surname. We’ve only ever been asked twice.

I do find it a bit sexist and I’m not sure it really would stop a lot of abduction though as my exh can take her with his current wife and they all just look like a “normal” family. They all have the same surname so no one questions them.

Plus as people have said - they don’t actually check if letters are real.

If they’re that bothered they should insist on birth certificates for all children travelling and letters of consent should be registered somewhere officially (like an ESTA for USA)