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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu - requiring consent of deadbeat exh to travel

110 replies

changedtempforprivacy · 23/02/2020 08:05

I've just returned from a holiday in the Netherlands with Dd who is 4. Her father and I split when I was pregnant, divorced shortly after her birth, his contact is sporadic at best as he us an alcoholic. He has never paid any child maintenance. On both entering and leaving I was asked did i permission from him to travel with her. I have never been asked this entering Spain, Italy, Greece. Several days ago and I am still so upset/ angry about it. I understand they are trying to prevent child abduction and I didn't explain my situation to the immigration officer. I am going to ask my exh for a letter of consent to travel with her as I can imagine it's only going to get worse leaving the EU, but it does seem to me endemic sexism. I cannot enforce any reciprocal child maintenance claim/ order because I am resident inn the Uk/ British and he is Dutch, but the Dutch authorities exoect me to get his consent to travel with the child I provide everything for?
I'm planning to take her back to the Netherlands, with a letter of consent. If I make this point at immigration next time am I likely to get in trouble. Am I being unreasonable to feel so affronted by this? I'

OP posts:
1forsorrow · 23/02/2020 13:10

You are unreasonable. How do you expect the officials to know what maintenance your ex has paid or if he is father of the year? Are you happy for him to leave the country with her unchallenged?

Two little girls in my family got abducted by their father, they grew up without a mother, they had arranged marriages. If a little inconvenience to you avoids that happening then tough luck and get on with it.

Congratulations to the Dutch for actually doing what they should in this situation, I've read on here so many times about people not being challenged which is shameful.

YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · 23/02/2020 13:39

If you have a C100 Child Arrangements Order, you can travel for up to 28 days without the permission of your ex. This used to be called a residency order. It costs £215 to apply and you don't need a solicitor. You can apply for it online in some areas.

I'm a domestic violence survivor and he removed his permission for our child to go on holiday with me out of sheer spite. It's something I have to apply for so we can go on holiday.

chomalungma · 23/02/2020 13:42

You would have thought that passports nowadays could all be linked to a system and any abduction risks highlighted. Maybe such a system exists.

marmitegirl01 · 23/02/2020 13:44

I have had similar issues but only on bringing my two back into the country !🤷‍♀️
I don’t get the whole letter thing. How can anyone tell it’s genuine?
Just write your own! 🤨

cobwebfew · 23/02/2020 13:52

YABU. Exdp took our DC to Spain last year, I printed a letter and signed it for him giving my permission to take our DC on holiday. It's the law I'm afraid.

itsgettingweird · 23/02/2020 13:55

Law?

I didn't know this. I thought for under 28 days it was fine?

I've raised alone since 13 months. Haven't seen his father since 2.5 years and have no idea where he is.

We go away every year. Never been asked?!

BertieBotts · 23/02/2020 14:00

The thing is, if they are actually absent there is nothing you can do about it.

I have been asked at borders many times. I never provide a letter as I don't have one. I'm happy to explain this each time. I carry birth certificate (DS) marriage certificate (me) and proof of residency abroad (DS). DS1 is now 11 and I haven't been arrested or refused entry yet. They generally ask him who I am and where his dad is and he answers and they let us through. Or we drive - ferry borders are not in the slightest bit fussy.

We had to get an emergency passport a couple of years back - at first I was informed that I could simply say he was estranged (which is true), but it turns out no, you can't do that. They suggested that I go to court to get parental responsibility removed, but I've looked into this, and again, it seems that it never happens unless the parent is shown to be of gross risk to their DC (e.g. child sex offender) and even then, it's extremely rare - mostly you can't get PR revoked even if they are a danger to the child. And my ex is no danger, he's just a deadbeat.

Luckily I am still in contact with his mum so I was able to beg and plead with her for his current phone number and was able to get hold of him, plead the case that DS1's grandfather was dying and this was our last chance and get a photographed letter of consent via WhatsApp, which they accepted. But I didn't ask for one for general travel because without it being notarised as I understand it, I may as well have written it myself.

We are saving to consult a lawyer because ideally DH would adopt him - he's been more "dad" to him than his own dad ever has, since he was 2. Though as I understand it this is also difficult to do under UK law and the preferred route is to add PR to the stepparent without severing the ties to the absent birth parent. Which just makes everything worse!!

BertieBotts · 23/02/2020 14:01

And yes, I believe it's also perfectly legal to take children abroad (from the UK) for up to 28 days without the permission of the other parent, unless you have a specific order preventing this.

Lockheart · 23/02/2020 14:05

The 28 days rule only applies if you have a child arrangement order stipulating that the child lives with you. If you do not have that, you need to get consent.

www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

welshladywhois40 · 23/02/2020 14:06

Hello - I do find it very inconsistent as to when border control ask. I have an Iranian female friend who's daughter has a different surname. She travelled with her (while still married) and she and her daughter were questioned. Her daughter got so scared she couldn't answer the questions.

My partner and I travel with his daughter and our son. Both children have fathers surname, I don't. We have never been questioned.

Original poster
changedtempforprivacy · 23/02/2020 14:06

@YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan - thank you, I will look into tjis

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 23/02/2020 14:09

When did this become law?

Curious as I’ve travelled abroad with my two dds and never been asked if I had permission from their other parent.

What would immigration do if the other parent was absent with known location? Or dead?

ilovedjerrymore · 23/02/2020 14:09

@YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan I’m looking it to getting the same form from the courts. Do you need to apply for that every time you want to go on holiday? Also how long did it take to go through?

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 23/02/2020 14:11

YABU. It is the law in the UK, and it applies to all parents, separated or otherwise.

I have often flown from U.K. to France with my DCs in the past. I’ve never been asked if I have DHs permission. When my DD was 16 she travelled INTO France with me, DH and DS but back to the U.K. a week before the rest of us with her aunt & uncle (my DB & SIL so a different surname) and there were no issues.

ivykaty44 · 23/02/2020 14:14

What law is it and when did it start?

My ex took dds away, my father took dds away and never was any letters or forms needed or produced & no one questioned them

This was a few years back, so when did this law get passed?

PumpkinP · 23/02/2020 14:20

Oh these comments have me worried now. I have a holiday in September but ex is absent. I researched a lot online and it said you are very unlikely to be stopped. So what do you do if your ex is absent therefore not able to get “permission” (why I need to get permission of someone that is absent Angry )

BertieBotts · 23/02/2020 14:22

Then it must have changed - that never used to be the case.

PumpkinP · 23/02/2020 14:23

Reading the thread I’m gonna write my own letter. Not asking permission off someone who hasn’t seen my children in almost 3 years.

TurnTurnTurn · 23/02/2020 14:28

Pumpkin P "So what do you do if your ex is absent therefore not able to get “permission” (why I need to get permission of someone that is absent angry )"

I know! This is going round and around in my head now. I ended up starting a separate thread to think more broadly about the tricky question of absent parents and parental responsibility:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3830690-AIBU-to-think-that-parental-responsibility-should-become-dormant-if-an-absent-parent-doesnt-bother

abitlostandalwayshungry · 23/02/2020 14:30

it might be the law but isn't it quite ridiculous that parents like the ExH in this example can wiggle out of any responsibilities yet hold that power over the other parent who do 100% of the parenting??

Out of interest what happens if one parent took off with NC - how would it work in cases a letter can't be produced?

PumpkinP · 23/02/2020 14:32

Thanks I will check it out. I’ve always thought that after x amount of years absent you should lose your “parental responsibility”

Hollyhobbi · 23/02/2020 14:39

What does a letter prove? As a previous poster said she's going to write up her own letter.

Oldraver · 23/02/2020 14:42

I understand the reasoning behind the questioning, but my children would be really upset if strangers at the airport started interrogating them about their Father.

Yep this happened to my DS when he was 14 and an Immigration officer asked him..."is Dad not travelling with you ?". He just said "he's dead"

Lockheart · 23/02/2020 14:45

I don't know when it became law but it's the law now. Very easily accessible on the government website www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

itsgettingweird · 23/02/2020 14:45

Old Sad

My ds would just say "no he's a twat and hasn't been seen for 13 years, I don't know where is and don't care". But then he's autistic and not known for his tact 🙈😂

Ds will be 16 when we travel this year so I'm guessing that even though it's tightened up and will continue to do so now we aren't in EU that will be fine? As legally he can move out of home at that age.