To smash up all DS screens

[OntheWaves40]

DS (14) has repeatedly ignored me when I’ve told him it’s lights out and removed his screens, he has sneaked downstairs for them, sneaked in to my bedroom when i’ve been in the bathroom for them, rooted through my drawers to look for them. The first night I confiscated his phone, the second his tablet and by the third his game console. I told him he would get them back on Sunday. This was Monday evening and since then I’ve caught him several times on one of them. Tonight he was on his tablet I grabbed it off him and smashed it up in front of him, then gathered his phone and console and threw them all out his bedroom window. His console is broke. His phone survived.
Now I don’t know what to do. He’s in his room and I’m in living room in shock.

He is addicted to screens to the point if vomiting,
you are not able to control your anger.
You both need help ASAP.

I completely understand how frustrating teenagers can be. I can also remember how frustrating it can be to be a teenager.
I don't think aggression is ever the answer and I do think you need to apologise.

Honestly what you have done is verging on abuse, taking your child's possessions & smashing them up, how you can expect him to have any respect for you now?

What if it was drugs instead of an electronic device? How would you react then?

I mean if the child has paid for the drugs they are his and nobody has a right to take them or destroy them?

RickOShay

Hopefully it will.

First of all OP, I want to tell you that AIBU is the wrong place to post about teenagers when you’re at the end of your tether and having problems. Responses will be from people who have never had a teen and have no idea or those with perfect teens. It’s not a good place to post for your own sanity.

Second, what you did wasn’t great, but I don’t think it’s abusive or any of the other hysterical things people are writing. I can see you were frustrated and sneaking into your room to look for confiscates items is in no way appropriate. My DD went through my drawers at 14 looking for the confiscated wifi and I lost my shit! If it didn’t belong to the whole family I may have been almost tempted to smash it too!

Parenting teens is REALLY hard. You are starting to realise you have very little control of them and their choices, and punishments that worked when they were younger are now ineffective and useless. It’s new and a bit scary and we are all going to fail and make mistakes sometimes because we mostly have no clue what we are doing. I’m sure if you had thought about it for a bit you could have come up with a solution that was better than smashing things, but in that moment I can see how it escalated quickly and you shouldn’t beat yourself up. You’re not a bad parent.

Yes I think you should apologise to him, but he should apologise too because his behaviour was frankly appalling. You don’t go through your mum’s bedroom looking for things.

14 is still a child and needs boundaries. I’ve had some success recently with no showing any anger. My kid has pushed my buttons ten ways to Sunday lately and calm and collected chats seem to be having more affect than yelling and punishing. It’s really hard, because sometimes I just want to scream “WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?”, but that wasn’t working either so I had to change my strategy.

You will survive this somehow, you will make mistakes, but that’s ok. Please don’t listen to the posters calling you abusive, I can see that you care about your son, otherwise you wouldn’t be on here asking for help.

Smashed them? nope. I would have taken them and flogged them. smashing them a waste of cash.

Though situation. But if you replace them you will obviously do do with usage conditions attached. If they are disregarded, sim card out of phone, change wifi password, and for games consoles remove/cut off plugs. Nothing permanent in either scenario but at least the sneaking around and attitude while he's looking for them will be stopped.

As for how to proceed immediately, I wouldn't labour an apology. Apologise certainly, but explain why, and put there ball into his court and ask what he's thinks should happen next (and when he says i want then all back then revert to the 'yes, but we've tried that and you refuse to be responsible. What is going to be different this time?' approach.

That's what I'd do I think, but it's easy over the internet. :/

Just read AgentPrentiss post and agree with it 100%. Have not read the whole thread but read enough to be astonished how some people are piling on the OP. Yeah, what she did was not great and I would have confiscated (and maybe sold) them rather than smashed them, but I can see it was coming from a place of frustration and worry.

I did read what OP said about her son usually being a good kid and I wonder if he is mayeb suffering from some internet addiction or gaming disorder? It is a thing and like any addiction, sufferers can lose their shit if their drug of choice is taken from them.

It may be a good thing that the screens are gone, even if the way it happened was less than ideal. Going cold turkey for a while may actually be what the OP's son needs.

OP, I think many parents have felt like that at one time or other.
In a otherwise peaceful house, technology is our only source of conflict at times.

Turning the wifi off is the single most effective way to control it, even though it may be inconvenient.

Gaming in our house is something that happens for a couple of hours at the weekend and it is accepted only because we have been ruthlessly consistent.

But I do know from my teens that at different times their friends spend many many hours on, despite also being A students.

I definitely believe addiction is the correct term and for many teens self regulation is not possible.

Total detox is best and speaking about it when things have calmed down.

I can only imagine how upset you are with yourself but the fact that you have been driven to do this means something has to change.

Start with the wifi being turned off.

Wishing you well.

I gave him all his screens and tried to help him to regulate himself. He stayed up for 48 hours glued to screens and was staggering about vomiting everywhere.

Why would you let it get that far? To prove a point?

That situation should not have happened.

I know you have had a lot of negative comments on this thread and I'm honestly not trying to add to that OP but I do think there are some boundaries issues going on.

Anyone telling you that your reaction was OK has no interest in helping you.

If you are truly worried that your son has an addiction that has become harmful you need to get him help. He is 14 and cannot do that for himself.

His apathy isn't worrying. He was probably scared and didn't want you to lose your shit again. It's a natural reaction.

Don't apologise - he did x, the consequence was y so that's that.

I doubt he ever imagined that "Y" would involve his mum losing it and destroying his things.

If he did expect that then it's a fucking sad and worrying situation for a 14-year-old kid to be in.

My ds is 12, and the screens have been taking over since he was 11. Got him a phone and a lap top for school, but things got obsessive. I would remove screens for punishment, and then he too would sneak downstairs at night, or whenever he got the chance. I got fed up with him thinking that he could do whatever he bloody well liked, so I packed up all the screens in the car and drove them to my mum's house. Impossible to sneak on them/rummage around for them if they're not in the house.

I would recommend the same. It removes temptation completely, and screens can be gradually reintroduced after a week or two once his attitude improves. Reintroduced with new rules, and if those rules are broken, the screens can be removed from the house again.

Blimey. Why would you smash things of his that cost lots of money? You’re now proving that you’ve lost control. Get one of those secure safe cabinets and lock them in there. It’s not rocket science. Talk about you being a drama queen! You’ve just cost yourself hundreds and ruined his property. You’ve also set a bad example of how adults behave under stress. You need to apologise, replace his possessions and act rationally from now on. Buy the lockbox

www.amazon.co.uk/Display4top-Electronic-Security-Full-Digit-Override/dp/B073VH5DX1/ref=sxbs_sxwds-stvp?psc=1&keywords=safe&pf_rd_p=c9566dce-64ef-4e15-9209-bbcc6788c268&sprefix=safe&pd_rd_wg=SgGoI&pf_rd_r=T0WTCFJ85A1F81SBQ2H0&pd_rd_i=B073VH5DX1&pd_rd_w=Zcjhd&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1582435719&cv_ct_cx=safe&pd_rd_r=818dec9d-0b6d-42c5-9109-666d39bb2348

You have just lost all the respect that was left from your son. Abusive, aggressive, unhinged and completely unexpected behaviour for the situation.

You should have either hid them better or changed the wifi password.

This is your problem, not his. A complete over reaction.

Wow what a nasty thing to do OP. He is 14, probably bored over the holidays. This is criminal damage.

Sounds like u need help

Everyone is saying you are being unreasonable and whilst it is extreme I can totally understand how and why you did it. I have a teenager myself and they can be very disrespectful and trying and mine also sneaked phones and currently has his confiscated and I myself have felt like smashing his phone (though have managed to refrain from it so far) I am depressed at the min after another argument with my son and reading your post actually made me laugh and also feel like a little less sline and it's not just me who has a difficult teenager. I hope this will learn him a lesson and hope you are okay

*less alone

Maybe I’m old fashioned if kids didn’t have so much technology they would get addicted to them why does any child need all that stuff?

Even after all that though, he still got a screen back to play on before bedtime the very same night. All it's achieved is making OP feel guilty and costing her hundreds of pounds to replace the broken items.

If you take them off him and say he can't have it for today, then he goes ahead and takes it anyway, take it away again and say he can't have it for a week now, keep going and it will be a month. Make sure he can't get it and follow through. Otherwise he knows if he performs hard enough, he'll get his own way.

If hes so 'bored over the holidays', why cant he read a book or go for a bike ride

Why did you want to lock them away anyway? Because of his exams? Many people go straight into work? Does he even want to carry on in education.

Even if he goes straight in to work, I think an exam or two passed at school will help. In fact English and Maths is non-negotiable, you have to pass them. My poor 18 year old knows that one only too well with Maths.

I'm also not going in to the rights and wrongs about what the OP has done, god knows I've made mistakes over the years and would be a hypocrite to do so (18 and 13 year old here), but those who don't have teenagers at the moment I will say could be in for a bit of a shock, as boy do they push you to breaking point and worry at times!

Why does she have to replace them? I wouldn't. He can earn the money himself if he wants to replace them.

Oh dear. I don't think it helps to think if you did the right thing or not now as it's done. What you need to do it figure out a way forward. I would start by considering why he has so many screens? I would also turn off the WiFi for a week and have a bit of a digital detox for you both. He is acting dreadful but it's because he is so addicted.