To smash up all DS screens

[OntheWaves40]

DS (14) has repeatedly ignored me when I’ve told him it’s lights out and removed his screens, he has sneaked downstairs for them, sneaked in to my bedroom when i’ve been in the bathroom for them, rooted through my drawers to look for them. The first night I confiscated his phone, the second his tablet and by the third his game console. I told him he would get them back on Sunday. This was Monday evening and since then I’ve caught him several times on one of them. Tonight he was on his tablet I grabbed it off him and smashed it up in front of him, then gathered his phone and console and threw them all out his bedroom window. His console is broke. His phone survived.
Now I don’t know what to do. He’s in his room and I’m in living room in shock.

You lost control and acted out of anger/aggression. Your son might seem okay now and "be sleeping through the night" but that will have really affected him. You need to get some anger management help as that really is not okay behaviour.

My mother acted like this in my teenage years, it just pushed me further and further away. Our relationship is good now but it took 10 years to get here.

Aggression and loss of control is a slippery slope.

I also can't believe the amount of people saying it's impossible to ban the internet at home... Turn off the WiFi and turn off the mobile data settings on devices (using parental control settings so it can't be turned back on) - simple.

To make you chuckle, @OntheWaves40 , a friend bought me years ago 'good night ipad'. It's a spoof but I relate to the mother so well.
I can completely appreciate how you got to where you are now, and whilst it wasn't maybe the best move, it's done now, the offending items have gone and sometimes a shock is required before it all sinks in.

In your shoes, I would not replace the screens. Buy him an old button phone for emergencies and an MP3 to listen to music with. He doesn't 'need' anything else.

Screens are as addictive as crack cocaine for developing minds, and you are not alone in your concerns.

for you

I would apologise, but I would apologise for shocking him not for destroying his iPad. If he’s addicted to it you did the right thing.

@formerbabe Actually I completely disagree with this. What you did wasn't great but apologising to him will, imo, embolden him.

So op is allowed to smash up her son's possessions because she lost control, yet shouldn't ever say sorry? She can apologise and also make him see that he is in the wrong too

@recordbox What do you think he learned from that? That he can smash other people's stuff up and not take responsibility for it.

@formerbabe Don't show weakness. Hahahaha OMFG, really???

@mommymooo Perfect parent brigade are out in force. ODFO. It's not "perfect parenting" to never have got to the point where you need to smash up hundreds of pounds worth of someone else's tech!

Just caught up with the thread. Woke up to find him sat in front of TV, doesn’t matter what’s on, whether he chose the channel or his younger sibling, he can’t walk past a screen that’s on without looking at it. If I tried talking to him even with something really boring on he’d struggle to focus on me. That’s the thing with confiscating his screens he’ll sneak down and watch tv. It’s not just YouTube and gaming.

It’s done now, I’ve been having my own issues with 14 year old if he’s not behaving I block his devices from internet
Smashing stuff that’s cost money seems mental tbh I get you’re frustrated but perhaps parenting course might be warranted as showing your son you losing control doesn’t help him at all. You should be teaching him how to react when angry move away take some time and I know how bloody frustrating 14 year olds are but as a mum of an 18 year old too I know they get past it, be consistent and I did triple p for my youngest son but it has helped all of us. I was quite affronted when school referred me but it was really interesting and changed how I think about parenting.

Maybe this is the short sharp shock your son needs but you now don’t have any bargaining tools as you’ve trashed them all, will be now think that’s how someone behaves when angry?...it’s really hard but hope you can sort things out

Onthe watch you don’t drag yesterday in to today. It’s early on Sunday morning. Most kids are just relaxing watching tv. I supported you up thread but because you don’t back him in to a corner over this because he will feel bullied.

Also if he won’t study - you can’t force him. You can encourage a healthy study environment but if he won’t there is nothing you can do. He is your son, he won’t be perfect neither will you. Try and reconnect today

Also you said ‘sneaking down stairs’ is he not allowed down stairs? Have you banned him for watching the tv?

My kids would stay up all night watching TV and playing games if I let them. So, yes, there is a time where they have to hand over their devices, switch off the TV and go to their rooms. I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all. Games are so addictive. These days parents need to teach their children how to manage screen time.

I can appreciate this with screens I saw this on telly once with a super nanny the parent had completely given up to screens the child was watching it so much that he started to fit. The damage screens can do can't be under estimated and should be treated like alcohol and cigarettes they have the same affect on brain chemistry and the dopamine responses

However you've lost the plot it's seems likes you've confused respect and authority they are two different things and I wonder if a gentle re-examination would give some understanding. I wonder if your son respects you but doesn't want to do everything you say

That said you're a human being and you have limits. There's some great books about parenting the parent which might be helpful let him earn back his mobile phone with revision as for the other screens don't replace them come up with a decent plan over the course of months that your son must complete before you'll consider replacing them.

Admit you lost the plot to your son and apologise and go forward from there

Hugs OP.

Listen, you know it wasn’t the best reaction and you feel remorse and care enough to come on here and ask for advice. AIBU is the wrong forum. No mother who comes online to ask for advice and admits it wasn’t a good move and has no past of such behaviour is an abuser. And neither does a one off moment in 15 years suggest you will become one. It’s lunacy to suggest as much.

Everyone has made a mistake as a parent and everyone has crossed a line but the important thing is 1. You would never hurt your child 2. You knew it was wrong 3. You don’t want to repeat it 4. Have reached out to him for a resolution.

The people here calling you names and ripping you apart are being over the top.

Lots of advice has been given to help you deal with this in the future. So I won’t add to that. I will suggest that if this seems to be an addiction on his part to possibly consult a therapist but honestly sometimes a hard line and honest talk can resolve things. Somewhere within that teenager is a boy and you’re not just a mother you’re a human. Talk to him. Tell him how this is getting you down. Explain you love him. And set very firm rules and stick to them like the law.

It’ll get better.

You’re not a bad mother. It’ll be ok.

I think it’s a lesson learnt for him. He has an addiction. He has disregarded rules put in place for his own good. Parents are human, humans don’t always react as they should when pushed to the max.

He has his phone.Agree time re that and tell him you’ll review replacing the others after exams and when you can see him abiding by rules and controlling his addiction.

I feel for you op. My 16 ds has had his XBox removed until after GCSEs, we collect phones in after an hour after school and are called all the names under the sun.

They are addicted and I refuse to let screens wreck their futures. Nobody gives you any advice or support so we do our best. Sometimes our best isn’t perfect but then what is? Nobody seems to know as regards screens.

I dont know many people that would walk past a screen without.. looking at it?
Sounds/lights/colours.. will always grab our attention.

It’s just nasty, they were his things and you thought the ideal reaction would be to smash it up, should of taken the power leads for his console so he couldn’t use it, and get better at hiding his things or just turn the WiFi off. I hope you replace them.

Don't lock devices in the car. They are usually not covered on either the house or car insurance unless you specifically put them on the policy and if your car gets broken into, they're gone.

Lock box hidden in bedroom.

It truly shocks me that people think because they buy there child a phone it is the child's 'property' everything my child owns belongs to me, I bought it my husband worked his ass of to pay for it and if my son ever acts like that ill happily chuck it out the window.

No wonder teens are running round with no respect for anyone but them self these days 🤦🏻‍♀️

Should of , could of...

Living with somebody else’s addiction isn’t easy and we are all human.You’d pour alcohol down the sink in frustration.

Move on op. Sit down and plan a way forward together.

I was close to removing the TVs from the house too, but things started to improve slightly after I had removed the other things. But I would have done it. Just left a space where the TV should be. They'd get it back eventually if they were good, but I don't think that it would do any harm to go without for a couple of weeks.

@HJWT everything my child owns belongs to me so everything your dh ever bought YOU, belongs to him?

Teenagers can really push us to our limits
I haven’t done what you did @OntheWaves40 but I have been tempted to, especially after repeatedly being ignored. It’s the headphones that drive me particularly insane!
I personally would apologise for the action/ loss of control but explain why you were angry and try to have a proper conversation with him.
I assume this is the only time you’ve done something like this. Ignore the posters saying you need to immediately get help or that you’re being abusive, yes you lost your shit but it’s fixable

@Frosty26827 You can really tell some of these responses aren’t from parents of a teenager!

Why, because we don't condone smashing their stuff up? I have a teenager, and I have never even needed to even think about smashing anything of hers up. Her phone is not mine to smash up. It was a gift to her, with certain conditions but there is no way I'd smash it up. Mainly because I would need to replace it, and also because I'd be devastated if someone smashed my phone.

@Iflyaway ignore the lovely perfect mothers with small obedient children Posts like this help no one. It's a cheap dig designed to make you feel better about your own parenting choices.

FWIW I have an asd child, she can be pretty defiant at times, especially around screens and changes that she isn't prepared for. Not once have I had to resort to even threatening to smash a device of hers. That doesn't make me perfect, it doesn't make me "unprepared" it makes me the kind of parent who doesn't lack self control when challenged by a child who is doing what kids do.

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I actually don’t think it’s good for children to think humans never lose control. They need to know it’s ok to feel and do that. Always being expected to hold everything in and be a perfect toke model is not healthy imvho.

Ops son has learnt we are all human and our actions have real consequences.

Lucky posters who have never had to resort to desperate measures with screens. Pretty much the only area we’ve had to resort to similar, doesn’t make us shit parents. I refuse to react smugly to parents struggling in areas I haven’t been moved to desperation.

Role

Nobody died op. We all do things we wish we could change as parents. It happened. Learn from it, make sure he learns from it and move on.

I think you did the right thing in the aftermath OP even if he doesn't appear to appreciate it - hopefully it's registered somewhere! I think it takes strength to admit mistakes especially as a parent although that doesn't negate his actions that bought you to such despair.
It does sound like he has a worrying level of addiction to screens. I hope you are able to move forward and get a plan in place to help him manage it. It may be that he has to hand all screen over each day untill what ever is required of him is done then he gets them back and just stick to it day after day no matter how much he pushes you.
Your post has got me thinking as my DD was pushing it last night and I threw her phone out of frustration. All low key but Im sure it will escalate as both my dc are not far off the teenage years so bracing myself. My parents were reactive and would lose the plot at times and under no circumstances do I want to go there with my dc.