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Original poster

To smash up all DS screens

379 replies

OntheWaves40 · 22/02/2020 20:40

DS (14) has repeatedly ignored me when I’ve told him it’s lights out and removed his screens, he has sneaked downstairs for them, sneaked in to my bedroom when i’ve been in the bathroom for them, rooted through my drawers to look for them. The first night I confiscated his phone, the second his tablet and by the third his game console. I told him he would get them back on Sunday. This was Monday evening and since then I’ve caught him several times on one of them. Tonight he was on his tablet I grabbed it off him and smashed it up in front of him, then gathered his phone and console and threw them all out his bedroom window. His console is broke. His phone survived.
Now I don’t know what to do. He’s in his room and I’m in living room in shock.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 22/02/2020 22:27

Right, that does not mean that smashing your teenager's phone is okay though, otherwise you could use that logic to justify anything in a parent/child relationship. Some things are abusive in any context and some things are not

A parent coming home in a bad mood, grabbing teenagers phone for no reason and smashing it up = abusive

A parent whose been disobeyed and lied to by teenager taking items which have caused this situation and smashing them up = not abusive although not their finest parenting hour.

SausageSimon · 22/02/2020 22:28

I couldn't agree less with the posters saying you shouldn't apologise to your kids for horrible behaviour like this.

There's a difference between telling a child off (no apology required unless they hadn't done anything wrong) and smashing up their belongings which I think is cruel and completely out of control

There have been times where I have over reacted with my now 6 year old over the years and I've always gone and apologised (if necessary) and explained why I was wrong. And you know what? My 6 year old has learnt from my actions and now when he kicks off over something small, he will calm down and come back to apologise.

Lead by example. Apologising shows strength, maturity and responsibility. It doesn't make you weak if done at appropriate times and won't make your child lose respect for you what so ever

BueenQee · 22/02/2020 22:29

I have a teenager who is never off of her phone, so can I totally understand what it’s like. But I take her phone off of her at 11pm each night, otherwise she’d stay up all night on it. I also turn the WiFi off as she has a smart tv in her room, so she isn’t able to use that.

I would never even dream of smashing a phone/tablet/games console up if DD didn’t respect my rules. I’d probably ground her and stop her pocket money and I’d sell the devices.

I don’t understand why you would even buy him these devices or didn’t get rid after the 48 hours of no sleep, if he does have a genuine addiction to them 🤷🏽‍♀️

Figgygal · 22/02/2020 22:30

My 8 yo drives me to madness moaning on about not having a console and “only” a tablet he’s a kid who gets totally sucked in too
I get the feeling of being ignored and like you’ve lost control
Hope you’re both ok tomorrow

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 22/02/2020 22:31

You could have locked them away from him. You couldn't have been hiding them very well if he kept getting access. What a waste of money, and what a shitty was to act towards your child.

Mulhollandmagoo · 22/02/2020 22:32

If you were as bad a parent as some posters on here are determined to make you out as, you wouldn't be here explaining what's happened and asking for help and advice....a bad parent wouldn't care enough!!

It sounds like your son has an addiction and that needs addressing. You know you were wrong to do what you did so there's no point even going over that, but possibly try being very clear with him on screen time rules! He can have his console for an hour a day between X and Y time and then get one of those gadget safes to put it in so he can't get to it! Phones are impossible as teenagers are all glued to them, it's how they communicate, but maybe introduce a rule where the WiFi goes off at a set time, and then if he has any data he's responsible for managing that across the month, so if he uses it all in two nights he has nothing left for the month, that way it's all on him. He won't be able to respect you until you out boundaries in place for him to respect

BlackCatSleeping · 22/02/2020 22:32

Ask him what he would do if he were you. Doesn’t he think his exams are important? What does he think is a reasonable time to hand over his phone? Try to give him the responsibility of helping you find a solution.

In our house, my kids have to hand over their phones and games at dinner time, then we have homework time after dinner. We also had problems with kids sneaking down after lights out so I have a lock box like the one posted.

formerbabe · 22/02/2020 22:39

There have been times where I have over reacted with my now 6 year old over the years and I've always gone and apologised (if necessary) and explained why I was wrong. And you know what? My 6 year old has learnt from my actions and now when he kicks off over something small, he will calm down and come back to apologise.

Hilarious.

Come back when he's 16 then let's see how smug you are

serialtester · 22/02/2020 22:40

@sausagesimon a 6 year old is a very different beast to a 14 year old. OP I've had vivid fantasies in the past about taking a hammer to my teens devices. Do not apologise or backtrack. There's precious little advice for dealing with teens. Do not beat yourself up.

RickOShay · 22/02/2020 22:52

@OntheWaves40
Hope you are ok. Wishing you a better day tomorrow. Flowers
FWIW if dd had been my partner I would have ltb. Definitely.

raskolnikova · 22/02/2020 22:52

A parent coming home in a bad mood, grabbing teenagers phone for no reason and smashing it up = abusive

A parent whose been disobeyed and lied to by teenager taking items which have caused this situation and smashing them up = not abusive although not their finest parenting hour.

I fundamentally disagree as I don't believe smashing up someone else's possessions can ever really be non-abusive, but there you go I guess I'll just have to agree to disagree with the people here who think otherwise.

formerbabe · 22/02/2020 22:56

Are they the teenagers belongings though? I presume the parents paid for them in which case they belong to the parents. The parent has the ultimate say on when the teenager can use them.

Celeriacacaca · 22/02/2020 22:57

I understand your frustration. Electronics have a hold over my DS and have driven me nuts in the past. I sat down with him one day to talk about it (not at a flashpoint) and he recognised how he was addicted and couldn't help himself so I offered to help him manage it, which he agreed with, and now he gives laptop, phone and switch to me at bedtime or earlier if he has work to do. When he has exams coming up the switch goes with me to work (with his consent). As he's maturing he seems to be able to manage it better but it is frightening the hold these things have over a young mind and how much of their lives are wasted watching YouTube videos etc.

I recognise that I'm now getting addicted to my phone and need to lead by example...

FrippEnos · 22/02/2020 22:57

@formerbabe
It's nothing like domestic violence. Don't be absurd.

Its exactly like DV, loss of control and breaking things when you don't get your own way.

It's not ok to control your partners screen time or confiscate your partners devices....

Yet you will see many on here that do say just that, including hobbies etc. Sometimes it is the correct thing to do

it is absolutely ok to do that to your teenager though.

Yes it is... but it is not ok to smash up their belongings, all it does is model the wrong way to act if you don't get your own way or do as you are told.

FrippEnos · 22/02/2020 22:58

formerbabe
Are they the teenagers belongings though?

they have been given to the teenager, so yes they do belong to him.

hibeat · 22/02/2020 22:59

I would apologies, call it a night and start afresh tomorrow. I would not give the items back until there is a great change in you and him. Certainty that you are not going "there" again. Electronic devices got locked up in my husband's office desk for lack of obedience, a full 6 months...
Parental control is a life saver. I hate those stuff so much. I am not tech savy but if you don't have the item, you can't use it. Cutting the wifi at night helps too. And not topping of for data as well. Big hugs.

RickOShay · 22/02/2020 23:00

@formerbabe
I’m with you. It’s not ok to smash up your teenagers possessions, but it’s understandable and therefore forgivable in a way abusive behaviour is not.

Raspberrytruffle · 22/02/2020 23:01

Yanbu, it might teach the little shit to listen to you @OntheWaves40

formerbabe · 22/02/2020 23:01

they have been given to the teenager, so yes they do belong to him.

So where does that leave the issue of confiscating them?

raskolnikova · 22/02/2020 23:02

Are they the teenagers belongings though? I presume the parents paid for them in which case they belong to the parents. The parent has the ultimate say on when the teenager can use them.

The son is 14, so too young to be employed in the vast majority of paid jobs, aside from a paper round, babysitting or something like that. So I guess most (all?) of his stuff was paid for by someone else. So if you use that logic, he has no possessions of his own? His parents are within their right to destroy whatever they want of his, because it's not his anyway?

huuskymam · 22/02/2020 23:02

Could you not have just knocked off the wifi then they'd all be useless.

Prisonbreak · 22/02/2020 23:03

I see nothing wrong with this. I was a royal pain in the rear as a teen and put my poor mother through hell. At times she snapped, and I stopped. I learned. Sometimes you gotta remind them who’s boss

formerbabe · 22/02/2020 23:06

@raskolnikova

I've already said that is not ok to smash stuff up but I think you're confusing spousal relationships and parenting here. The parent needs to have some control and authority over the child in a way which would be unacceptable between partners.

FrippEnos · 22/02/2020 23:07

formerbabe

So where does that leave the issue of confiscating them?

That would be different to smashing them up.

justasking111 · 22/02/2020 23:07

I have removed phones, x box console, headphones but somewhere DS could not find them, not that he would sneak them back. Teenagers are difficult I think electronics make it worse. He went to uni. in September did not take the x box. His girlfriend says when he has a project to finish he gives her his phone. He knows himself well now Grin