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Original poster

To smash up all DS screens

379 replies

OntheWaves40 · 22/02/2020 20:40

DS (14) has repeatedly ignored me when I’ve told him it’s lights out and removed his screens, he has sneaked downstairs for them, sneaked in to my bedroom when i’ve been in the bathroom for them, rooted through my drawers to look for them. The first night I confiscated his phone, the second his tablet and by the third his game console. I told him he would get them back on Sunday. This was Monday evening and since then I’ve caught him several times on one of them. Tonight he was on his tablet I grabbed it off him and smashed it up in front of him, then gathered his phone and console and threw them all out his bedroom window. His console is broke. His phone survived.
Now I don’t know what to do. He’s in his room and I’m in living room in shock.

OP posts:
Mulledwineinajug · 22/02/2020 21:52

There was a very insightful Facebook post recently about how domestic violence begins with breaking inanimate objects and always escalates.

It’s not ok.

Beamur · 22/02/2020 21:53

Well, they're smashed now. So little point berating the OP.
Yes, you went too far but not without provocation.
So, what now?
I would apologise to him, but only up to a point. There's fault on both sides.
Fwiw, I think you need to both work on more productive ways to communicate.
Also fwiw, I wouldn't rush to replace the items either.

Happyhappy37 · 22/02/2020 21:54

@OntheWaves40 I am going through similar situation. I rarely comment on MN, because all the perfect mums are here!!
My son is also 14 and I've taken away his PS4, iPhone and his Xbox I've given him a very simple £10 phone with very large numbers (he hates it), stopped him from going to football training completely, until I see significant improvement in his school work.
My son knows where is games are but he wouldn't take or go through my stuff looking for them. His grades are down and he's been very lippy with teachers at school, especially females and I am not impressed with any of it, hence the punishment. You did what you had to do and you shouldn't feel bad for it. No one will know your day to day struggles. You just want the best for him.
I've started to tutor him again, maths English and science.
Good luck with your parenting and I hope he improvesSmile

RickOShay · 22/02/2020 21:54

@OntheWaves40
Hold onto yourself. Dd nearly washed me away. Keep talking, try and get him to talk more. Forgive yourself. Parenting dd from 13 to 18 is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It took me to places I didn’t know existed.

formerbabe · 22/02/2020 21:56

It's nothing like domestic violence. Don't be absurd.

It's not ok to control your partners screen time or confiscate your partners devices....it is absolutely ok to do that to your teenager though.

Not condoning what the op did but parents of teens have limited options. They're not four year olds you can put on the naughty step.

L0bstersLass · 22/02/2020 21:56

He's ignored your rules all week yet you've treated him to a cinema trip.
You've lost your rag and broken some of his things.
Then you've gone to talk to him and he's still using a screen.

He isn't just testing the boundaries. He's realised there aren't any.
If he's still got his phone now I suggest you take it from him.

SmallChickBilly · 22/02/2020 21:57

It sounds like a tough situation - sometimes you need to do something drastic to have an impact and it's easy to get frustrated when you are repeatedly ignored. It's clear that this wasn't ideal - you know that and it sounds like you weren't really expecting that reaction from yourself, so I'm guessing it was a shock to your son as well, however much it appears it hasn't had an impact.

You've made the first move and spoken to him about the situation. Do you think it would help to put the ball in his court? Mine aren't teens yet, but I am always amazed at what they come up with when I ask them what they think we can do to improve a situation. I would be maintaining the screen ban for the time being and keep talking about what led to the situation you fond yourselves in tonight. You don't have to have the answer straight away - you can always be honest, tell him that you were upset with his behaviour and shocked by your own and what you could try to make sure it doesn't happen again until you find a way that you can both be happy.

Gingerkittykat · 22/02/2020 21:57

I'll warn you that DDs friend reported her dad to the police for criminal damage for smashing her laptop with a hammer. I'm almost certain they took no action apart from questioning him but still very unpleasant.

The constant fight over gadgets is horrible as a parent, I am assuming his phone is usable despite being thrown from a window?

It's very easy to say to put restrictions on use but when your child goes to the lengths to take back the devices it just doesn't work and I can see why it pushed you to the edge.

Are you going to replace the other gadgets at some point? Will the shock of this mean he will now listen to your boundaries?

Taking the power supply for the console worked well for me, as did removing gadgets to my sister's house.

Bagofoldbones · 22/02/2020 21:58

Oh god I lost my temper with dd1 a few times between 14-16 OP I was a single parent too then and it’s really hard. I’ve never smashed her stuff up but I remember once when she was 16 being really really rude and obnoxious. She was taller than me and it was like arguing with a grown woman. She was lay in her bed and told me to ‘toddle’ off back down stairs.. I totally lost it then and for the first time in 16 years I tried to slap her leg Shock she shouted ‘what are you doing you Phyco!’ Looking back the situation was ridiculous and can laugh about it now. She’s 24 and we still love each other dearly Grin

Don’t go back in his room. Leave him be. Id not mention any of his consoles tomorrow if he doesn’t bring it up.

Tomorrow try and talk to him about how much you love him and that you both need to pull together Flowers

mindproject · 22/02/2020 22:00

I have a cupboard with a lock on. It's much easier than getting angry about it.

If you get angry regularly you need a lock on your bedroom door so you can lock yourself away when you feel a major episode coming on.

polkadotpj · 22/02/2020 22:02

I totally get how this happened and you have my sympathies OP. TEENAGER HELL. I'm in it too

Original poster
OntheWaves40 · 22/02/2020 22:06

There’s some great advice here. I’ve just been back to him and he was fast asleep so he clearly isn’t losing sleep over it even if I am!

Tomorrow i’ll put the screens in my car and I’ll continue to spend time with him even though someone upthread questioned why we still went to cinema etc I think it’s important to try to wipe slate clean and do something nice tomorrow and deal with the screens issue after his exams.

OP posts:
headlock · 22/02/2020 22:07

Much as it's frustrating that's so OTT!! What a waste of money.
Change the WiFi password to one he doesn't know when it's time for bed or lock the devices somewhere he can't get at them.
Hopefully he'll get out of the habit and accept when time is up.

Catchuptv · 22/02/2020 22:10

They can push you - but don't beat yourself up over it - you warned and warned him. If you feel like doing something like that again - wait till he's sleeping and go and hide them somewhere he can't find them. If it's a mobile and you pay for the contract you can probably block it.

Try and get some rest you're probably exhausted.

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 22/02/2020 22:11

@TryingToBeBold if you had teens you might not be agreeing with it, but you could sympathize with the frustration that led to it.

BueenQee · 22/02/2020 22:15

Fuck sake. You could have taken the SIM cards out, turned the WiFi off, buy a box with a padlock to put them in. You sound like a total control freak. What time are you telling him to go to bed? Can he not just put himself to be at age 14?

Beamur · 22/02/2020 22:15

I think going to the cinema is a good move. You're not enemies and it's better to move on, keep communication open and do nice things together too.

TryingToBeBold · 22/02/2020 22:16

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

I already sympathise based on how I was as a teenager.. trust me I do.
But I don't think having teenagers would make me understand how it's an acceptable reaction

Original poster
OntheWaves40 · 22/02/2020 22:17

@BueenQee I tried that in the summer. I gave him all his screens and tried to help him to regulate himself. He stayed up for 48 hours glued to screens and was staggering about vomiting everywhere. I don’t think you understand teenage screen addiction.

OP posts:
raskolnikova · 22/02/2020 22:21

It's not ok to control your partners screen time or confiscate your partners devices....it is absolutely ok to do that to your teenager though.

Right, that does not mean that smashing your teenager's phone is okay though, otherwise you could use that logic to justify anything in a parent/child relationship. Some things are abusive in any context and some things are not.

Jumble567 · 22/02/2020 22:21

I don’t think you were unreasonable at all!! He was being completely out of line and there needed to be a consequence for that! He’s learnt that he pushed you too far and he’ll bloody well listen to you next time!

Anyone who says different either hasn’t got teenagers or has never had theirs push them so far! They have absolutely no idea how absolutely cocky and foul teenagers can be when they choose to! Ignore them! There are times in life that kids need to see the consequences of their behaviour. He saw that if he really, really fucks you off then you will react. It’s a valuable lesson in life - people have limits!! Better he learns it now from you rather than being that antagonistic twat in the pub pissing everyone off and ending up getting the shit kicked out of him round the back! I worked with teenagers for years - you could always predict who it would happen to within a year or so of them being old enough to go out to pubs! It happened every time - eventually they were rude to the wrong person and were taught a lesson in a lot more physically damaging way than having their games console broken.

It’s annoying that the things are broken - would have probably been better financially to have hidden them at a friends house or something but not a lot you can really do about that now, so going to have to let that one go and don’t beat yourself up over it.

Do NOT replace them for a good long time and then only if you get a vast improvement in behaviour. You have drawn your line in the sand - he needs to do as he is told and at the end of the day, you are the parent and your rules are to be followed whilst he lives under your roof. Try to be calm from now on and be consistent. Don’t go the opposite way now out of feelings of guilt for losing your rag, he pushed you too far and that’s the end of it.

SausageSimon · 22/02/2020 22:22

I'm sorry OP but this has made me feel very sad for your DS. Destroying someone else's property is cruel, he's a teenager they're supposed to push you to the brink of insanity.

I understand it drives you mad when your child doesn't listen or care, but to smash the things he enjoys makes me think you really need help with your anger.

Whether or not you intended it this way it is a threat of violence, like violent partners who first start by punching the wall

MissChardonnay · 22/02/2020 22:22

Bit extreme but I understand the frustration. Surely you could've just hidden them better (not that you should have to).

megletthesecond · 22/02/2020 22:25

I've come close to this. I've lobbed screens onto my bed to get then out of their hands.
Still many years to go, so I might just lose it and lob the screens out the window one day.

BarbedBloom · 22/02/2020 22:26

This is really awful. I don't think this is okay at all whatever the provocation. I really dislike how people think this is okay to do to a 14 year old, but if a partner did this to them for doing something they didn't like, it would be completely unacceptable.

I don't think this is a good lesson at all, but then I grew up with a father who got angry and smashed things up, so maybe I am biased

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