Adult thumb sucking

[Chester1980]

My 40 year old husband sucks his thumb. He does it at home, but not in public (although if he’s drunk he might try and sneak a quick thumb suck). He asl has a blanket. He can’t sleep without it and whenever at home and relaxing he is always sucking and pulling the blanket through his fingers.

I know this is selfish, but he puts this before being affectionate to me. He doesn’t like cuddles etc unless he’s horny. It’s like he’s in this little world and in a daze when he’s got his blanket and thumb.

We’ve spoken about it - I won’t push him to stop, but did mention that as our toddler gets older he might tell people and he should be prepared. He said he can give up whenever, but it never happened.

I just want to see if there are other adult thumb suckers out there who are the same? Does my husband have a deep routed anxiety that this is soothing, or is it just a habit?
Bookmark

He very much still wants the intimacy...he just struggles with the cuddles when it’s not associated with sex.

This would make me really sad OP.

Also it seems like what he wants or naturally craves is for some reason more important than what you want or naturally crave?

You want non sexual snugs, he doesn't. Why can't there be a conversation where you meet in the middle and both come out of your comfort zone sometimes?

You're asking for a cuddle not suggesting pegging and a gimp mask!

Unless you're into that. Obvs.

@TeddyIsaHe 100% I was thinking the same. Some toxic comments on here.

It does affect intimacy because you want to feel intimate through non sexual cuddles, feel close to him and snuggle up without it leading to sex. That is part of intimacy for you, and for me and a lot of people I'd guess.

It would be more accurate to say that it isn't affecting the type of intimacy he wants.

Does that seem fair to you?

I don't suck my thumb but I noticed a few years ago that I often curl my hand up under my neck when I'm upset, ill or tired and it's mimicking the thumb-sucking I did as a child. I 'gave up' when I was about five, I think.

I sometimes bite the nail on my thumb when I’m anxious, I don’t suck it though

I’m amazed that so many people on this thread suck their thumbs. There is a women at work who sucks her thumb and twirls her hair around her finger all the time. She has the same name as someone else on her team and I’ve had several people say “is it Sarah smith or Sarah the thumbsucker I need”. Most people look shocked and raise their eyebrows at each other every single time she does it.
The thought of dh having a blankie and sucking his thumb makes my vagina drier then the Sahara desert.

Sorry OP that was more directed at a PP than you! I know you aren't bashing parenting styles, I do think however if it is related to childhood trauma there is more to it than not breastfeeding etc. of course people will react differently to different things but if that were really a consequence we would have many many more adults sucking their thumbs, after all bf on demand and not crying it out are comparatively recent movements in parenting. It could be part of wider separation issues but sleep training and spacing out feeds alone are definitely not going to be the cause of this.

It’s not always about childhood trauma. I did and could apparently clearly be seen doing it in the womb and within minutes of being born. It’s just a comfort thing. While I don’t do it now, every now and then (very rarely) I have the urge and it’s like someone has pulled a big warm blanket up around me. I stop right away though because I remember how hard it was to quit when I was about 11/12.

@JustForTheTasteOfIt I’ve tried talking about it many times...nothing changes. I do crave the snuggles. I guess I’ve resigned myself to it now. It does make me feel v sad. But then if it makes him uncomfortable...I don’t know. I guess forcing someone to snuggle me against their will, takes away from it, so what’s the point? You’re right with what you say.

For those shocked by adult thumb sucking....I read that 1 in 10 do it....so more of your peers do it than you think. It’s just they’re too ashamed to say.

@Chester1980

There are some toxic comments on here...

translation - 'people are saying things I don't want to hear...'

@Rose789

I’m amazed that so many people on this thread suck their thumbs. There is a women at work who sucks her thumb and twirls her hair around her finger all the time. She has the same name as someone else on her team and I’ve had several people say “is it Sarah smith or Sarah the thumbsucker I need”. Most people look shocked and raise their eyebrows at each other every single time she does it.

The thought of dh having a blankie and sucking his thumb makes my vagina drier then the Sahara desert.

This ^ What a massive turn off in any man.

@Chester1980

People aren't shocked by it, some of us are just saying we couldn't be with a man who sucks his thumb, 'snuggles his blankie' for comfort, and only shows affection when he wants a shag.

I think there’s a big difference between doing it because you’re being comfortable in your own home and it being a crutch. I’m not really averse to people having crutches to get by but when it gets in the way of other adult relationships, particularly romantic relationships then I think you have to consider it unhealthy and perhaps discuss how to limit it.

@anotherlittlechicken there are some things on here I don’t want to hear, but they are very constructive and helpful comments. Then there are the toxic comments - unkind with no attempt at empathy and understanding. If there is some anxiety causing it, why fuel it with comments about masculinity and being turned off?!

@Chester1980 why did you take the blanket out of the bin?? Why are infantalizing your husband?

@Chester1980

When you post on a public message board, you have GOT to accept that you are going to get a vast range of opinions, some that you will not like.

I could never be with a man who behaves like your husband ... sucking his thumb, 'snuggling his blankie' and only being affectionate when he wants a shag.

I am stating a fact. I could NOT and WOULD not be with a man like this. And MANY others on here say the same. We are all entitled to our views. If you (or anyone else) see views that you dislike as 'toxic' then that is your problem.

The thumb sucking is common and wouldn’t bother me too much. Many adults will keep their childhood comfort objects around but to me it’s not healthy for an adult to still have an attachment to a blanket in the same way they did as a toddler.

That being said, I wouldn’t call it a problem if it didn’t interfere with their life and relationships.

For the OP’s husband it is a problem. It’s getting in the way of his meeting his wife’s need for intimacy, and if he loses it he gets anxious. That’s not ok.

It seems like the OP’s husband has probably never learned how to derive comfort and relaxation from close adult relationships, he uses his old babyhood strategies instead. The reason why isn’t important. If he and the OP want to change things he’ll probably need therapy - maybe couples therapy would do, or perhaps individual- to learn how to have a more satisfying adult relationship.

Time to try for an open discussion I think OP.

@Bikerider2020 I was thinking it was a crutch he maybe needed. Like someone would have a cigarette or a drink. If you think about it - can you not compare someone getting comfort from smoking to this? Just his thumb sucking doesn’t damage his physical health!

@sleepymummy2019 this! You are spot on. I will try again for an open discussion. He’s quite a closed book, so I need to find the right time.

Now that’s what I mean by helpful comments @anotherlittlechicken

@Bikerider2020 I was thinking it was a crutch he maybe needed. Like someone would have a cigarette or a drink. If you think about it - can you not compare someone getting comfort from smoking to this? Just his thumb sucking doesn’t damage his physical health!

1. He's an adult and had made a decision
2. You should not interfere in that
3. You should've encouraged him
4. If it was cigarettes or a bottle of whiskey would you take it out of the bin

Sorry you're adding to this issue, you need to tell him that your need for affection outside of a shag is more important. The same way if his smoking or drinking was affecting your relationship you'd expect him to stop.

Tbh I think it says more about the people that are so close minded and unable to allow people to have their quirks, than it does about any thumb suckers!

I’d rather see past people’s foibles and still love them than be hugely judgemental.

My boyfriend sucks his thumb, mainly when he’s tired or being lazy like lying on the sofa watching a film. It has zero effect on intimacy or ability to give the best cuddles, the two things are completely separate.

i think your dh is very lucky to have met you, you do sound very nice and understanding about this, where a lot of people wouldn't be (probably myself included i have to say).
I hope you manage to have a discussion with dh about at least trying to get rid of the blanket and him having more non sexual cuddles with you instead .
I hadn't realised adult thumb sucking was so common either.

What nasty comments from some !

Absobloodylutely typical mumsnet that so many come out the woodwork to cry “dealbreaker”

@Bikerider2020 you make some v good points. Fair enough. In hindsight it was best he did throw it out. As part of the conversations we’ve had about our toddler picking up on it etc, he’s acknowledged it might be coming to an end.