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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL asking for money for nephew’s birthday instead of a gift, AIBU?

107 replies

Rightmovestalker · 21/02/2020 23:50

We aren’t close and don’t see a lot of them, maybe twice a year but Dh and I make an effort for birthday/xmas presents, which AFAIK are well received.

This year dh’s brother sent us a message saying “please give cash this year so nephew can get something he likes” with a link to donate. There was no text or preamble or note saying “buy a present if you’d prefer” and it feels a bit rude. AIBU? Nephew is 14 and previous presents have included Adidas tops, Amazon vouchers.

YABU = completely acceptable of BIL, fair enough
YANBU = cheeky, rude

OP posts:
Hoik · 21/02/2020 23:54

At 14 there is probably some big ticket item that he wants and is hoping to put birthday money towards it. If it was me I honestly couldn't bring myself to be offended by it, giving cash is much easier than organising a gift and at least I know it would be going towards something he wants.

KellyHall · 21/02/2020 23:56

It would have been nice for him to make the request a bit more fluffy and nice but I agree with the sentiment. Maybe he just doesn't need anything, especially this soon after Christmas, maybe he's become really awkward to buy for, maybe he wants to pool the money to buy a new games console.

If you don't know them that well then maybe you'll never know the reason. I'd far rather give money and know they'll end up with something they want rather than spend my own money and time getting something they might not.

Tartyflette · 21/02/2020 23:59

I think it would have been nice if he had told tou his DS wanted the cash to put towards, eg, some sports or tech equipment. .
Otherwise it just sounds s bit grabby.

ineedaholidaynow · 22/02/2020 00:02

Teenagers usually prefer money as they saving for something specific.

You maybe could have been told in a better way, but if you aren't close I wouldn't think too much about it.

imcold · 22/02/2020 00:04

YANBU
This is unbelievably rude. My eldest just turned 16 and if people asked I said he would prefer money but if they didn't ask I wouldn't have dreamed of messaging people asking for money!
Surely most people give teenagers money/vouchers anyway!!!

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 22/02/2020 00:06

DD 12 bought a Switch with her Christmas money last year. Seems sensible.

SallySun123 · 22/02/2020 00:15

I wonder if nephew asked BIL to send the message. He’s probably saving for something expensive for his birthday. I wouldn’t be offended.

Scoobydoobywho · 22/02/2020 00:17

Not a problem with asking for money, but a tad rude with how it was done.

Redshoeblueshoe · 22/02/2020 00:19

I love giving cash. You don't need to worry if it's the wrong style/shape/size/taste/colour

HoomanMoomin · 22/02/2020 00:20

My DS is turning 15 soon and his birthday list included one thing - money. I understand and agree that it’s rude, but if I get any questions about what he wants, I will say money. With explanation, that this is what he asked for. 🤷🏻‍♀️

TeeniefaeTroon · 22/02/2020 00:23

Seems fair enough to ask for money at that age, however, I'd put the cash in a card and not donate via the link.

strawberrylipgloss · 22/02/2020 00:34

The text sounds rude but my similar aged kids would want cash.
Sometimes there isn't something that they want immediately but having cash means if they see something that they like then they can use the cash to buy what they like.
Alternatively they can combine cash from different people to buy one expensive item

TheTeenageYears · 22/02/2020 00:51

Not the way to ask but it totally makes sense particularly as it really is just such a waste to receive something you don’t really want. At that age my son and daughter both said to me they didn’t even want me to buy a few little things to wrap up as it’s just more ‘stuff’ lying around.

It’s a lot less effort/stressful just giving money and if that’s what someone will appreciate then it’s a win/win.

HoHoHolly · 22/02/2020 00:57

It was done rudely so YANBU. However by 14 I'd definitely be asking if he'd rather have a gift, cash or any particular vouchers.

Daftodil · 22/02/2020 00:58

The text is rude and abrupt and would probably annoy me coming from someone I see twice a year! But... rudeness is coming from BIL and his poorly executed request, not your nephew.

Nephew isn't unreasonable to want to get a particular bigger item rather than tops or books or whatever else usually comes his way. And the text isn't implying that your nephew didn't like YOUR gifts. It seems like a generic text sent to all, so perhaps he has 12 other aunties all buying him lynx sets that he'd rather put a stop to).

MuddlingMackem · 22/02/2020 01:00

I've voted YABU as he's not unreasonable to ask for cash, but he was rather rude to be so blunt, and it would have been nice to say what he wants the money for. DC2 has started saving birthday and Christmas money some years for expensive items, but when family ask what she'd like we'd say 'she'd really like money towards xxxx'.

ittakes2 · 22/02/2020 01:06

I think he is being rude but at the same time at this age it’s better to give money. My son loves Nike kit and Nike hoodies - my generous b’n’law bought him a luminous blue Nike track suit that my son was gratious about but we both know he will never wear. It’s too tricky to buy clothes for this age group, the size, the fit, the colour has to be right not just the ‘right’ label. But considering how rude your b’n’law was I would be tempted to stop presents!

grandmasterstitch · 22/02/2020 01:29

We aren't so blunt but for my DS 1st and 2nd birthdays we asked for money to go towards something specific. If course we also said presents are not expected but most people will bring something to a birthday party and I couldn't face mountains of toys that he won't play with and we don't have room for.

So to sum up I don't think your BIL IBU

Dellow · 22/02/2020 01:55

Very rude in the way it was requested so I would normally say ‘book voucher in card it is!’ - if it weren’t for the fact that money probably IS better for a teenager ....

katy1213 · 22/02/2020 02:03

Very rude and it would put me off giving anything at all. Hope you get a thank you letter for all these gifts - and that it isn't as curt than this demand. As it's from an in-law, I'd leave your husband to deal with his rude family in future.

Streamingbannersofdawn · 22/02/2020 02:07

Some people aren't that great with words...I always give my niece and nephew money. I don't see them a lot and wouldn't have the faintest idea what they are into. As long as they know I thought of them and can get something they would like thats all that matters.

My own DS was 16 this year and asked for money...great...he's had a great time shopping for himself and choosing stuff I never would have!

redcarbluecar · 22/02/2020 02:08

I think it’s completely reasonable (although a shame if tone came across as rude- is there a chance it wasn’t meant to?) I’d much rather give money than a possibly unwanted gift. I had no idea what to get my nephews when they were 14!

Sobeyondthehills · 22/02/2020 02:29

Sometimes money is easier. DS is lego mad, but for some stupid reason my family refuse to buy it for him, so he now just wants money so he can buy it himself and tbh that is far easier than trying to find something that he doesn't really want but my family will buy him

Topseyt · 22/02/2020 02:37

I think giving money is the best thing really.

The text was tactlessly and abruptly worded, but the request to give cash is fine. I really wouldn't bother getting het up over it.

Zaza1414 · 22/02/2020 02:43

I have 2 boys, 3 and almost 16 and 2 girls 23 and almost 14, there is no way I/ they would expect gifts(even from family) never mind dictating what they receive from them!!

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