BIL asking for money for nephew’s birthday instead of a gift, AIBU?

[Rightmovestalker]

We aren’t close and don’t see a lot of them, maybe twice a year but Dh and I make an effort for birthday/xmas presents, which AFAIK are well received.

This year dh’s brother sent us a message saying “please give cash this year so nephew can get something he likes” with a link to donate. There was no text or preamble or note saying “buy a present if you’d prefer” and it feels a bit rude. AIBU? Nephew is 14 and previous presents have included Adidas tops, Amazon vouchers.

YABU = completely acceptable of BIL, fair enough
YANBU = cheeky, rude

What the fuck happened to gratitude and manners?

I think BIL was right to say that, he could have put it better but you are family and he probably felt you'd understand. Your nephew at 14 is certainly at the age to want to buy stuff he chooses, he'll have a great time after his birthday.

14 year old DD would like cash, but I'd dress it up a it if I were to request it.

Luckily most ask what the DC want.

Surely by that age, the nephew should be communicating directly with you, perhaps initiated by you? I've been doing that with my nephews for a while - I message/text them ask what they want and then I get it. I sometimes check with a parent if at all controversial, e.g. the year one nephew wanted a knife (for camping purposes, I hasten to add). I've always made it clear that vouchers/money are perfectly fine and as they get older they're going for that more and more.

You don't actually know your nephew that well, and teens are often very choosy and into certain (expensive) labels.

So it would be easier all round to send him money so he can put all his funds together and buy what he likes.

Sadly, you can't help the fact that your brother wasn't very polite in his 'asking'.

I dont think asking for money is a problem. I think he might have asked a bit more nicely though!! The implication is that he hasnt liked your gifts!!

I think fine, I send mine £20 per birthday/Christmas. I have no idea what they’d want and would prefer to give them cash when they aren’t earning themselves.

These days with so much plastic tat it is more than reasonable for family members to chip in to buy a big ticket item that DC will get use out. Especially at this age. Agree he could have worded it better

My DS has been bought items for an activity before for Xmas - I whatsapped a list of items and the price and asked if grandparents were willing to buy something for him from it. within an hour both had said they would buy it all between them. Saved us a fortune and saved us having to give grandparents other idea. win win
We have also contributed to DN's present with cash before

I'd rather give cash so the child gets something they want.

I have teens and they'd prefer money towards big ticket items rather than (potentially) the wrong Adidas top that the'd never wear chosen by uncles wife who doesn't know him.

I have no problems giving cash to kids, in fact I like them saving up for a big item.

My nephew has asked me for money instead of a present. He’s only ten and worded it in a much more polite way than your BIL. I would have expected that a 14 year olds could have messaged you himself to ask.

I think it’s fine of your bil.

BIL, definitely rude and ungrateful, (hopefully nephew thanks you?) but on a practical level a better idea.

If DN is saving for something and prefers cash contributions, that's fine, but say so! Just saying it's so he can get something he likes risks implying that he's never liked your presents in the past. It's probably clumsy rather than rude - I'd give the benefit of the doubt. I'd expect to be told what any money gift had gone towards, though, and if you don't hear a word, even of simple thanks, from DN himself, I'd halve the amount next time.

Its blunt rather than rude

He could have phrased it better, especially if you're not so close but I don't see a problem with them asking for money for a 14y old. As others have said - he probably wants a bigger single item and is saving money for it. At the same time, I personally wouldn't be bothered with the message either - if your BIL can't be blunt and direct with his brother, whom can he be direct with.

The part of that message that would annoy me is so nephew can get something he likes.

That would imply to me that anything else, including possibly past presents, would be something he didn’t like.

And what is the donation link to? I’ve never heard of sites where you donate money for a child unless it’s a crowdfunder type thing. Does your nephew have a savings account you could pay a cheque directly into?

YABU as it is fine / appropriate to want / give money at this age.
YANBU as it was worded rudely.

Do you mean the way he said it is rude? Or wanting money is rude?

Teenagers prefer to buy their own gifts - probably saving up for something special. So yes give him some money and YABU for asking this even! If your brother was clumsy in his request so be it - perhaps he was embarrassed.

Well I’d ring the lad directly and have a brief chat about it, starting with ‘Your dad told us you’d prefer cash to a gift this year, what kind of thing are you saving towards?’

If he’s old enough for cash, he’s old enough to discuss it.

Also, I wouldn’t be thrilled to transfer it via his parents link page. I guess I’m just cynical though!

The link thing with the sharp message is a tiny bit off, but your 14 year old nephew wanting money is pretty reasonable - and pretty standard from a 14 year old, he maybe wants to buy himself something expensive and doesn't want people to spend a lot of money on something he doesn't won't and won't use.

I'm confused as to why it's rattled you? Surely it's easier for you to just give money?

I'm one of those who just shove money in an envelope for as many occasions as I can - I've never bought a christening or wedding gift ever, everyone gets money

It’s annoyingly put, but I’d just send cash as requested. Life’s too short to worry about these things.

I thinkthis is perfectly acceptable.

I think giving money is better at that age, even my 9 year likes to be given money because he will save it for something he really wants.

I work in a store and I often see poor parents returning duplicate or unwanted gifts that they have been given by relatives. One poor woman turned up after Christmas with a massive bag full of stuff that didn't fit or they didn't like and we couldn't take it back due to lack of proof of purchase.

Giving gifts is so British. Other cultures will just give cash and be practical. We have so much waste in this country it is unbelievable. Even my own family buy loads of gifts and I end up disposing of them. There is a reason why we have so many charity shops in this country and that is because of the amount of unnecessary waste we have and how brainwashed we are to consume, consume, consume.