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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL asking for money for nephew’s birthday instead of a gift, AIBU?

107 replies

Rightmovestalker · 21/02/2020 23:50

We aren’t close and don’t see a lot of them, maybe twice a year but Dh and I make an effort for birthday/xmas presents, which AFAIK are well received.

This year dh’s brother sent us a message saying “please give cash this year so nephew can get something he likes” with a link to donate. There was no text or preamble or note saying “buy a present if you’d prefer” and it feels a bit rude. AIBU? Nephew is 14 and previous presents have included Adidas tops, Amazon vouchers.

YABU = completely acceptable of BIL, fair enough
YANBU = cheeky, rude

OP posts:
HeronLanyon · 22/02/2020 02:50

Rude and presumptuous the way he communicated it. It’s the kind of very sensible arrangement which is hard to word well !

Piffle11 · 22/02/2020 07:52

BIL clearly could have worded it better, and perhaps could have asked rather than told you ... but I can see why DN wants cash. He’s at that age where they want to buy stuff for themselves and go shopping with friends. I now give my DN money - he’s 15. Just go with it. It sounds as though you’ve always made an effort with his gifts: i think he’s just now wanting to do it for himself.

lljkk · 22/02/2020 07:55

yabu
Does nephew send you thank you msgs afterwards, I wonder, since you have so little contact.

SallyWD · 22/02/2020 08:00

It's a good idea. Don't waste money on a gift he doesn't want. Money is a much better idea.

nellyburt · 22/02/2020 08:03

I'm guessing your previous gifts haven't hit the mark and have sat wasted. Money better all round.

saraclara · 22/02/2020 08:03

Poor kid's going to lose out if his dad sent that message so bluntly to everyone. BIL sounds like someone who just doesn't know how to communicate politely, and you won't be the only one pissed off.

If you get on well with the kid, maybe message him and ask what he'd like and is he saving up for anything?

QuiteTiredOut · 22/02/2020 08:03

The text is a bit rude but it would rather my DC receive money than presents they don’t want or need. They tend to get Lego and any money goes into their savings account. Maybe your nephew has his eye on something he’s saving for.

MarchDaffs · 22/02/2020 08:05

Are you bothered about the phrasing or the request itself? He should've been less abrupt, but sending cash would be better.

Ozziewozzie · 22/02/2020 08:08

I’ve had 3 teens and in my experience, what one person feels is a cool gift, may well be deemed as not so cool by the teen. My 17 ds is particularly fussy. Everything has to be Northface, and a very particular fit (too small in my opinion)
I hate giving gifts for the sake of it and always endeavour to find out what specifics the receiver would like even money.
Maybe your bil felt awkward asking for money and as a result his message came across a little blunt.

Passthecake30 · 22/02/2020 08:10

We have family members who insist on buying presents for my 2, so much misses the mark and it's money down the drain, things are unwrapped and go to the charity shop after sitting there, using space for a bit. Kids are disappointed and I have to over compensate to actually get what they have asked for. I wish people would just give money tbh.

RippleEffects · 22/02/2020 08:13

YANBU as he was rude but money for teens is not a bad plan. Gifts are not an entitlement though. It's important that's acknowledged.

With my outlaws it got to the stage I felt like saying 'you keep your money, i'll keep mine'. The whole exact financial exchange in value of monies given per household, per year got silly and all emotion and benefit was lost.

Ohtherewearethen · 22/02/2020 08:15

There's a way of asking for things and BIL's text was really rude and would get my back up too. The fact that he has (in an uncouth way) asked for money for your nephew wouldn't be a problem as I think it is a very sensible idea. I would be left wondering and worrying that all my previous gifts haven't been liked though, just because of the wording. It sounds as though it's a blanket text sent to several people (I've never heard anyone setting up a link to a donating page for their child's birthday though, that's a new one!) so there's no excuse for it being so abrupt. He only had to type it once and send to everyone at the same time. I voted NBU as that text would have pissed me off but the idea of giving money is much better all round

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 22/02/2020 08:15

I loved it when my DN turned old enough that he preferred cash to presents. I’d much rather someone had what they wanted, rather than what I think they should/would want.

AnnaMagnani · 22/02/2020 08:17

All our nieces and nephews started wanting cash at about 12-13 if not earlier.

Can't believe you have been still managing presents to age 14.

Looking back, I think I didn't really like gifts from aunts and uncles once I was in my teens either, especially ones I didn't see often. They were always just a bit wrong. By then you want really specific stuff or cash for big ticket items.

Jeleste · 22/02/2020 08:18

My guess is that at 14 your nephew has a wish for a big item and his parents thought if everyone gives cash he can buy it with that money.

I think YABU. I dont understand the big fuss a lot of people make about presents. Im usually quite glad when i get clear instructions Grin takes away a lot of stress for me!

CanIHaveATiaraPlease · 22/02/2020 08:21

Teenagers = money gifts! Otherwise unless you know exactly what to buy it’s money down the drain. You are overthinking.

Danglingmod · 22/02/2020 08:31

Your BIL worded it really rudely but I think in general money is the best gift for a 14 year old unless you have a brilliant direct relationship with them and you're really confident on your purchase.

My ds wouldn't have thanked you for Adidas stuff or Amazon vouchers at 14 because he doesn't wear sports stuff and objects to Amazon on ethical grounds.

In fact, we have one relative who always buys him an iTunes voucher and it's a complete waste as he doesn't have any Apple products. I think some people think all teenagers are identikit.

Notanotherflightdelay · 22/02/2020 08:48

Amaxon vouchers ok. Adidas tops not ok, that is very much either in or out for teenagers

Grandmi · 22/02/2020 08:50

I think it’s perfectly reasonable . Children prefer money rather than vouchers.

Notanotherflightdelay · 22/02/2020 08:51

Sorry should have added if they don’t have prime then the shipping would way into any amazon gift card

Bluntness100 · 22/02/2020 08:51

I’d be ok with this, he’s likely saving up for something.

For me gifts are about what the receiver wants, not what the giver wishes to give.

It’s surprising how many people find that incomprehensible.

SW16 · 22/02/2020 08:52

14 year olds want money.

I usually give a note (s) to whatever value wrapped round a bar of choc that they like, or similar.

BIL’s message lacks tact and finesse, but is probably not meant that way.

Weebitawks · 22/02/2020 08:54

Not the most polite way to ask (perhaps why you don't see him too much ) but I wish I had the balls to do it.

Was just talking with a friend (we have younger children with birthdays not too far from Christmas ) about the endless influx of tat that comes in at birthdays and what a relief when you get cash

grafittiartist · 22/02/2020 08:54

My 14 year old has requested cash only.
But- I would never relay that message onto family.
It assumes that there will be a gift, which is rude. Then it's the givers choice if and what they give .
I think it's rude.

DelurkingAJ · 22/02/2020 08:57

I loved getting cash at that age but I always sent a note saying what I’d bought with it (still do with eg book tokens DCs get from my aunt). If that will happen then YABmildlyU as I agree it wasn’t well worded. A call would have been better, no?

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