BIL asking for money for nephew’s birthday instead of a gift, AIBU?

[Rightmovestalker]

We aren’t close and don’t see a lot of them, maybe twice a year but Dh and I make an effort for birthday/xmas presents, which AFAIK are well received.

This year dh’s brother sent us a message saying “please give cash this year so nephew can get something he likes” with a link to donate. There was no text or preamble or note saying “buy a present if you’d prefer” and it feels a bit rude. AIBU? Nephew is 14 and previous presents have included Adidas tops, Amazon vouchers.

YABU = completely acceptable of BIL, fair enough
YANBU = cheeky, rude

I haven’t given my nephew a gift since he was about 12. Money is always a better option.

its up to the giver

Any wonder we have an issue with waste? Charity shops full of unwanted gifts, landfill full of unnecessary crap.

DD has a couple of uncles who never make the effort to see her, never bother their arses then at gift time send a pile of stuff she isn’t in to and will never use. Complete waste. I’d rather they gave nothing but if the must, cash or vouchers would at least give her something useful.

DS is lego mad, but for some stupid reason my family refuse to buy it for him

I tend not to buy Lego for lego mad people. They either end up with duplicates because everyone knows they are lego mad, or I get them something they have already. It’s a minefield.

Agree on lego - hard to get a set that a Lego enthusiast doesn’t already have, or won’t get from someone else😊

Agree with most: sensible idea to give money, but the text was appallingly rudely phrased.

Thank you everyone for the opinions - I think I probably ABU then! It was the phrasing which annoyed me, not the sentiment and he is annoying anyway so I’m probably seeing rudeness where it wasn’t intended. I’ve donated £55 via the link.

At 14 money is my usual choice of a gift.
It does seem rude I would never request it as a gift, I automatically offer it.
He is probably saving for a pair of expensive trainers, teens these day's have expensive taste.

I think £55 is very generous. I hope your nephew acknowledges it and thanks you.

YABU my 8 yr DS had his heart set on a Christmas present we couldn't afford. It cost £280. We sold some of his toys and he asked relatives for money at Xmas. He got some token presents to unwrap but nothing special. He had to wait until he'd seen all relatives over the Christmas period before he had enough for it, but absolutely loves the thing. Giving money isn't always a bad thing, it's taught him self control and patience. That not everything he wants will come easily to him.

I don’t think a 14 year old preferring money as a gift is wrong. But the way it has been requested is a bit rude, different if you had asked for ideas but you didn’t.

Cash? The best idea for a teenager though I thought the internet link was a bit hopeful.

Op the phrasing was a bit off. But you've done the right thing.

Re Lego comments I'd have thought the biggest issue with buying Lego is the cost of it. I'd happily welcome a couple of duplicate Disney Castles I can probably dream on.

It was rude in how it was asked but I get why he is asking.

When it comes to gifts the words I hate hearing from a teenager are

“I’d Like a surprise”

Well done op.

Rudely phrased but not in itself rude.

Teens often have something they want to put all their money towards and unless you know them really well the present - including branded sportswear - may not be something they'd ever use and may stay in a drawer or be sold on eBay by the teen who's saving up for something else and wouldn't wear that brand/ branded sportswear even if the alternative were nudity...

Of course if you're someone who actually uses gifts as life lessons and seeks not to give joy but education in the art of appearing grateful and the etiquette of thanking appropriately for unwanted gifts, carry on buying things you think he should want.

Your BIL has phrased the request/ information stupendously rudely if the information in the opening post is accurate though.

He should have said something about teens being so hard to please, saving up for a top of the range mountain bike/ games console/ whatever and would really appreciate kind relatives who were thinking of buying a present considering giving a little bit of cash towards [savings goal] if possible.

I agree that the wording was crap and could have been fluffed up a bit more. However, I would definitely agree that the best gift for teenagers is money as they are probably saving up for something.

Rightmovestalker sorry, missed the update!

£55 is very generous, how nice of you. Your BIL does sound very rude in his phrasing.

It was a rude way to ask , if you don’t get a thank you I’d be reducing the amount considerably for Christmas .

It was rude, and at 14 I'd have thought you could have heard from him directly that he would prefer money. I hope you get a thanks from him OP, or I really wouldn't bother again.

I'd have probably text back to say that I don't want to donate via a link but please have dn contact me to let me know what he'd like otherwise. The whole thing is very grubby and mercenary.

It's fine to ask for cash instead and at 14 quite sensible but I think his wording was incredibly rude and presumptuous. I would have sent a personal message along the lines of "DN has really appreciated all the gifts you've sent over the years, I was just writing to let you know that this year he's saving up for something special so if you were planning on sending a gift he'd really appreciate a financial contribution (follow link here to donate). Of course I'm sure he'll also love anything that's picked out for him".

Just saying give money here is rude.

😱 absolutely not! Don't give cash! I never do that.
Vouchers. Always. Can't go wrong with amazon vouchers surely!

Yes you can. Some of us don't use Amazon and in any case, cash has specifically been asked for.

Nothing wrong with asking, but it could have been done a bit more diplomatically e.g. he's looking to buy game box/Ipad/kindle and would really like a little contribution instead of your usual present.

Something to remember about vouchers it's estimated up to 10% of gift vouchers are never redeemed.
Vouchers also run the risk of the shop going out of business and reciever loosing the voucher.

I used to love vouchers but not so much now.

IanSomerhalderIsAGod wouldn't you even give cash directly to a teenager saving up for something? Surely saving is better than mindlessly ordering something random for the voucher value? Not everything can be bought on Amazon (perhaps they're saving for a holiday or specific piece of sport equipment) and some people are very reasonably ideologically opposed to Amazon, a giant tax dodging company with a terrible record on treating it's warehouse staff who use far too much packaging materials.

By default I'd be giving money to a teen I didn't know that well anyway. If you buy something specific there is far too high a chance you'll get it wrong!

I don't see why vouchers are considered preferable to cash. It's basically giving cash that can only be spent in one place.

I’ve donated £55 via the link.

What an odd amount! But very generous. Still puzzled as to what link it could be unless a crowdfunder. Are you sure it’s not going straight into BIL’s beer fund?