To be sick of partner talking about colleague

[loophole]

Who he says is one of his best friends?
He and she have dinner, coffees, lunches outside or work hours, on their own. They have arranged meet ups to a shared interest, on their own.They have plans for the summer to attend events, on their own. Is it unreasonable or am I a jealous cow?
I'm bored listening to what an amazing person she is and how talented she is at work.
He isn't attracted to her and he hasn't introduced me to her.
She is single but many years his senior ..trying to avoid a drip feed.
They are colleagues and friends five years past.
AIBU?

[Skittlesss]

Ok, so long enough to have met his friends and to, probably, know where the relationship is heading.

More educated and more experience mean nothing. Good for during work, but not during social time.

I would ask to meet her and judge for yourself. He is around the same age as my DH and, tbh, I would find it really weird if my DH started socialising with his work friends. He does have a close relationship with an older lady at work, and they text out of work, but they don’t socialise alone (just in groups a few times a year).

[Nowayorhighway]

She’s not really old is she? If she’s late forties, she’s hardly elderly and infirm! My friend had an affair with her married boss who was 14 years older than her, he isn’t attractive to me at all but she obviously thinks differently...

I’d be taking this quite seriously OP, sounds like an affair in plain sight to me.

[restawhile77]

The fact that she’s a good bit older means nothing. Lots of men are attracted to older women.

[dottiedodah]

If you are only 30 then I definitely think you should walk away now.Many women are kept dangling by partners like this .If you had children what would happen then ? You and babe left home alone while they "do their thing " Even if there is no spark and they are friends ,it would be unaccepatable to me ,and I would say the same if it were a guy as well.Obviously people still see their friends but not to this extent! Also why has she so much spare time ? No other friends ,or making space for your BF ?Big Big Red Flag Flying Here!!

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I think there is an unhealthy hero worship going on. That’s why I asked about the education. The way he is copying her phrases sounded like he was trying to bring himself up to her level. I think things have gone beyond healthy mentoring and sound a bit intense.

[TheresGonnaBeARain]

I would probably be uncomfortable too.

But just to give another perspective, I have a male friend who I was close to for years (less so nowadays) and whose advice and opinions I respected a lot. We would often hang without partners there. I valued our friendship very much but never, ever fancied him in the slightest (although he wasn’t unattractive). There’s not always something dodgy going on.

[EngagedAgain]

Tbh, affair or not, it sounds incredibly boring if you got to keep listening to that for weeks on end. Well permanently, if he picks up a new phrase. If it's not already it will eventually drive you nuts, because I expect he will always have a tendency to do something like this. If it weren't her it would be someone else. Not necessarily a woman, (I don't mean he's gay) he could make friends with a guy and he'll be harking on about them in some way, and spending way too much time with them.

[hammeringinmyhead]

I think my deal breaker here would be whether or not he did the same number (or more - should be more really) of fun things with me. As in, has he booked 2 or 3 festivals with her, none with you? Do you go out for lunch on weekends if he is going for lunch with her during the week?

I always say your partner is supposed to be your favourite person. If she is his favourite person, I'd be ending things.

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

At 30, you do probably think of her as much older, but honestly us old birds still feel 30!

There isnt a massive age gap between the two of them, and relationships do work out between older women and younger men.

I dont know whether there is anything going on between them sexually, but there is a strong connection.

Dont let the arrogance of being young and assuming older women are past it blind you to what could very well be going on.

[RainydaysandMondaysalways]

@Mummyoflittledragon

"She doesn’t have to be stunning for him to fancy her btw."

Exactly
Sounds like hes loving the ego boost of her praise and attention

[angieloumc]

VenusTiger 'she sounds like a tease' 😳😳 how so? What a nasty thing to say; she isn't the one in the relationship and has done nothing wrong.

[LuckyLickitung]

Sexual or not, he sounds infatuated. Age may well be relevant if she's not suitable for keeping his family options open.

If she truely is just a best friend, why on earth haven't you met her after 18m? That's a big warning sign. At 30 and after 18m I'd be seriously evaluating whether any further investment in the relationship would be wise. How would you feel when he's gushing about her and going out when you're on maternity leave, covered in baby sick and dealing with how your life has changed?

Men and women can have platonic frienships. I have some, DH's best friend is also independently one of my close friends, and we do sometimes go out together, most recently a gig that was more my taste than DH's. The key thing is that the friendship is totally open and no more intense than any other of our friendships.

[yellowallpaper]

You've only known him a year, and this relationship has lasted several years. I think if your relationship goes on longer and matures into marriage and family, this friendship will become less important to him. I think you just need to leave it. It's not a threat to your relationship with him, but something important to him.

[dontgobaconmyheart]

OP it doesn't really matter that you've seen her photo and think she's nothing special, or that she is older etc- it sounds like you're desperate to look for reasons why he shouldn't/couldn't fancy her when it doesn't matter what you think of her, the point is what HE thinks of her. You know what he thinks of her and he sounds borderline infatuated and has her on a pedestal. Fo you think he is at work talking about you like that to her?

No idea if it's an affair but theres a lot of red flags and I'm not sure I'd want to remain in the relationship, it sounds draining. Half the women on mumsnet can tell you that when they start saying they see them as a 'sister' or they 'aren't my type' or start calling them ugly- it's just efforts to cover up the fact they do fancy them but don't want you to know that.

They've been friends years so I'd ask to meet her, no reason at all that would be an issue if all is above board.

[WhiteBadger]

Why won't he let you meet her???

Oh darling it's all too strange, walk away now. While you're still young.

She's loving the attention of a younger man! Although 12 years isn't that much younger. My last bf was 11 years younger than me.

Leave them to it! Get someone who goes to you as their go to person!!

[Vanhi]

There has never been a spark between them. I've seen her photo and she is just normal.I don't think she is attractive personally.I see why she may be seen as attractive as an older woman.

How do you know there's no spark? And if that is the case, why are you worried? I'm a similar age to her and I don't photograph particularly well. I do however get a fair bit of interest and attention from men quite a bit younger than me. Attractiveness is nigh on impossible to assess from a few photos. Some people photograph very well, others don't, and appearance is just one part of attraction anyway.

After 19 months together, I'd want to meet her. I'm all for platonic m/f friendships, but this sounds different to me.

[notasportymum]

Get someone who goes to you as their go to person!! this x1000.

[Overthinker1988]

I can't believe there are people saying any of this is Ok. Do people actually have such low expectations?
If a man is talking about marriage and babies then I would expect to be his "go to" person and the No1 woman in his life...not some friend from his work!
Sure, people can have friends, including of the opposite sex, but there have to be healthy boundaries.
Regardless of whether there's any attraction or not, this friendship doesn't sound healthy, it sounds too intense and it's not normal for a 36 year old to hero worship someone to that extent. It reminds me of teenagers in the "best friends 4eva" phase.
The fact he seems reluctant for you to meet her is a big red flag too. After 18 months I'd expect to have been introduced to everyone important in his life.
He sounds immature tbh, and would get a big no from me.

[FizzyIce]

Sorry but I had to laugh at “he told me he doesn’t fancy her”
Well of course he did !
It all sounds very odd and intense ,I would not be happy and I’m pretty secure in my marriage

[HelgaHere1]

I think he is biding his time to see what his true feelings are, what her true feelings are and how his friends and family would take to a much older women.
Once he sees that other people don't judge he will probably become a twosome.

[MulticolourMophead]

I think my deal breaker here would be whether or not he did the same number (or more - should be more really) of fun things with me. As in, has he booked 2 or 3 festivals with her, none with you? Do you go out for lunch on weekends if he is going for lunch with her during the week?

You've been together 19 months, long enough for you to have met her by now if you're doing most stuff together.

And I think this point is relevant because if you're spending most of your time together, and yet are not doing the fun things, he isn't into you as much as he says.

Serious conversation time, and walk away if necessary.

[Nanny0gg]

Whether it's romantic or not, there'll always be 3 people in your relationship.

And if she's so important ten you should have met her

[GabsAlot]

Helga hes known this woman for five years how long is he biding his time for

[Branleuse]

so basically he prefers her in every way, but you are more physically attractive.
I would be up and gone tbh. being someones side partner while he has a big emotional affair with someone else is not my bag. Nor would I try and talk him out of it or get him to see hes treating me badly. Whats the point.