To be sick of partner talking about colleague

[loophole]

Who he says is one of his best friends?
He and she have dinner, coffees, lunches outside or work hours, on their own. They have arranged meet ups to a shared interest, on their own.They have plans for the summer to attend events, on their own. Is it unreasonable or am I a jealous cow?
I'm bored listening to what an amazing person she is and how talented she is at work.
He isn't attracted to her and he hasn't introduced me to her.
She is single but many years his senior ..trying to avoid a drip feed.
They are colleagues and friends five years past.
AIBU?

She is 12 or 13 years older then him.

That really isn't a barrier to a relationship or to be attracted to someone. However, if he's 36 and wants a family and she's 48, he maybe doesn't see her as relationship material because of that. But I would not be comfortable with this. My DP has close female friends but what you're describing sounds like he has a major crush on her. Whether or not it's reciprocated is another matter.

A relative of mine is 25 years older than her dp (male).

Think of it as though they have the perfect relationship.
The excitement we all feel spending time in a new relationship often fades a bit as we take things further, live together, forget to do things, leave pants in the floor . whereas you dp and thus other woman will not get to that (fade stage). It’s all good, all fun, no complications, no mundane stuff.
He doesn’t prefer her to you, he’s just comfortable with her. Lots of people when they get together moan apart dp/kids//work/problems. It sounds as though the majority of their time is simply spent having a lovely time.

That’s them. However, you also have to think of yourself. Does dp put her before you in a regular basis. Does dp spend plenty of time with you? Does your relationship feel positive.

I feel the only danger zone is the fact that they seem pretty dependent on each other. It’s important you feel equally as valued to their friendship. This is really important.
Just as a warning though, lots of men and women talk about futures, ie kids marriage etc yet it doesn’t happen. Try not to gage your relationship in what he’s said to you (particularly if during or around sex). Look at how he is with you day to day. How he reacts when there’s a problem between you.

You could always insists he invites her over, but do it in a light hearted way. Eg When you meet her you could say ‘finally we get to meet. I’m convinced dp kept us apart for so long as he was worried I’d punch you from him . Reassure dp that you don’t want to join the friendship, you just want to acknowledge it. Make him call her and invite her round, or out for a drink.

I also think it's a huge leap to assume there's something going on. Their friendship predates yours, I've known friends that close before.

But I would be interested in the reasons why you haven't met her yet. What happens when you ask? Is he resistant? Does he give a reason?

My DB's wife was 12 years older than him.
Does she have a husband and family. If not then I would say it is a matter of time before they get together.

How do you know he copies her words and mannerisms if you have never met her?

So they were friends for four years before he met you? Is that right?

If so, surely it would have developed into something more in that time. But it didn't. So maybe they are actually just good friends.

Does sound intense though.

My sister met her husband at work when she was 40 with teenage children and he was 26. His wife was very shocked that his friendship with my sister was actually a romantic relationship. I also once worked with a woman who was very friendly with one of the men there. He was in his 30s and also a friend of her son. She was a very old for her age mid 60s. They were involved and everyone was very shocked when they got married.

Nrtft but just going on your opening post I wouldn't be happy about this at all. Even if they are supposedly just friends.

you're in a relationship with both of them.

from what he says to you there is no good reason not to introduce her to you, yet here you are, insecure in this relationship in its first year when you should be at your most happy, carefree and loved up together, while he insists her place in his life remains prominent, assured and permanent. If he truly was serious about you, he'd be showing you off to everyone particularly his closest friend. Is he dropping your shared phrases and mannerisms into his conversations with her? nope.

cut your losses before you get in any deeper, unless you want to spend the next 20+ years of your life like this and be in a marriage to both of them.

Huge red flag that he won't introduce you, he's either embarrassed of one of you or is hiding something.

Are you trusting that he doesn't fancy her because of her age? Because I wonder if she was the same age as him would you be so trusting?

3 people in his life, Wouldn't work for me. I'd move on

Hmmm. On the fence. I mean if she was single a year ago as well, when he got together with YOU, why didn’t he just get together with her then? It sounds intense but not everything is a huge red flag - platonic MF friendships are possible. I would ask for an introduction though - I would expect close friends such as this to be introduced.

Meet her with DP, then reassess

“He should be introducing you if they are that close and he’s serious about you. End of”

This!

To me, that’s the biggest red flag. Why haven’t you been introduced? Maybe be pro-active and arrange a meal with her, Either at home or for Sunday lunch. Invite yourself to the shared interest. Even if you can’t do the interest (or are not interested), meet them for coffee before or afterwards.

Does he prioritise her over you? That’s also a red flag. One off occasion, okay. Frequently, a big no-no.

Maybe it’s a simple case of a platonic friendship, but there is definantly some hero-worshipping going on, and maybe a touch of emotional affair.

Can you find her on social media? I would be keen to see what she looks like

He is splitting his emotional energy between you and her to an unacceptable extent. It doesn’t need to be a physical affair for her to be the more important woman in his life.

That level of mentionitis would be a red flag for me.

I have a very close make friend and colleague. We are both very happily married and not at all attracted to each other. We probably text most days, drink together once a week or 2, go to events together as we are on the same project. He’s my friend and I am his, nothing more. Our spouses haven’t met as we live far apart and have children to factor in. Our spouse know about each other.

However, I would only mention him if it were relevant to our plans (for example- I’ll be late on x night as going out with x) and vice versa, certainly don’t mention him constantly nor he me as far as I am aware.

My point is it is perfectly possible to have a friend of the opposite sex and not be wanting to jump into bed every 5 minutes!

Long term married couple I know she's 15 years his senior. And he think she walks on water.

Good morning and thanks.
He uses her phrases and has mannerisms that are new and he reuses them for weeks until he moves to new phrases eg 'Madge told the customer that her attitude was despicable and uncompromising ' He really does not speak like that or use those words normally.yet he will repeat those phrases in different contexts for weeks afterwards.then he will repeat another phrase/ cliche/big word and the cycle continues.
There has never been a spark between them. I've seen her photo and she is just normal.I don't think she is attractive personally.I see why she may be seen as attractive as an older woman.

Seriously you have to get him to introduce you and see how they interact. You may not think she's attractive but beauty is in the eye of the beholder so you wont know for sure til you see them together.

And apart from anything else he clearly thinks the world of her and hopefully does of you too so it would be good to meet.

Is she better educated than him? Or more successful? Is he trying to copy her to lift himself up to what he perceives her level to be?

How old are you? And how long have you really been together? In my experience you know how long you’ve been together in the early days so “a year give or take” tells me it’s not long at all.

Together exactly 19 months.I am 30.She is more educated and has mor experience in their field.

Im sorry but I think there is more to this than he is letting on TBH! It is not usual ,and I doubt many other women would be happy with this set up .12 odd years is not a huge gap ,but even if they are just"friends" there seems a large amount of emotional investment going on .Maybe call him in saying you are not happy .Why cant you meet her? that seems odd too .Maybe let this one go by