To be sick of partner talking about colleague

[loophole]

Who he says is one of his best friends?
He and she have dinner, coffees, lunches outside or work hours, on their own. They have arranged meet ups to a shared interest, on their own.They have plans for the summer to attend events, on their own. Is it unreasonable or am I a jealous cow?
I'm bored listening to what an amazing person she is and how talented she is at work.
He isn't attracted to her and he hasn't introduced me to her.
She is single but many years his senior ..trying to avoid a drip feed.
They are colleagues and friends five years past.
AIBU?

[KatherineJaneway]

I think he loves me very much and we talk about the future. I see us as a serious couple

Really? He won't introduce you to his closest friend and confidant and you think you're a serious couple. I'd be having a rethink if I were you.

Sorry to be so blunt

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Really? He won't introduce you to his closest friend and confidant and you think you're a serious couple.

This. When I met DH I ran him past my male friends. They are important to me, I didn't want a bloke who'd be weird about them and they'd tell me if he was a bad 'un. You haven't met her in a year...

[CSIblonde]

If she was just a friend he'd have no problem with you meeting her. 12year gap doesn't matter. 39yr old at my work left his wife & newborn for a 53year old work colleague .

[Mummyoflittledragon]

You want marriage and children yet are with a man, who won’t allow you to meet the woman, who he is professing is the biggest influence in his life right now. Even if it is just a friendship, I’d not be ok with this. I still wouldn’t be ok if it was a male friend. It is just plain disrespectful to you and telling you where your place is. Shouldn’t you be the centre of his life?

Why on earth would you want to have a child with a man, who doesn’t put mummy first? It does not sound to me as though you would be able to predict how he would be as a father or partner once you have a child. He takes and implements all her advice. Will you be ok with him taking parenting advice from this woman? I certainly would not.

I am getting angry just thinking about bringing kids into this relationship right now and how damaging it could potentially be for them. Please get some self respect. You are not getting any younger. If you’re the same sort of age as him, you are pretty much at the end of your most fertile period. Don’t stay with his just because it’s easier or you’ve invested years in him. Think about what you want.

[lborgia]

It may sound unpleasant, but there are definitely men and women who are attracted to others, and happy to keep them in the background , but for whatever characteristic, are embarrassed to be seen with then, or what people will say if they openly date.

It could be that she adores him, will put up with having some relationship however incomplete, and he cannot imagine introducing her as his girlfriend, so here they are.

Him under the impression they can only ever be friends because she's "old", and her waiting for him to realise she's the love of his life.

I've seen it several times. With both men and women too embarrassed to openly date their "best friend".

Whatever this is, there will always be 3 people in this relationship, so I'd be rethinking my plans.

[Womenwotlunch]

Tbh Op, this man is out of order
I wouldn’t be comfortable with this relationship. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s discussing your sex life with this woman
He’s making you look like a fool.

[Maduixa]

It seems a bit of a leap to assume there's something romantic/sexual going on - she's single, he was presumably single before he met you - they could have just been together if they wanted. Possibly he's interested and she's not, but I wouldn't assume that.

As for AYBU - would it honestly bother you as much if the friend were a man? I can see his constantly talking about someone you don't even know being irritating - I'd tell him that, and/or change the subject every time he unnecessarily mentions her.

Can you push him to introduce the two of you? Maybe she's really as awesome as he said and you'll all become friends. Or at least you can stop imagining what she's like.

[Womenwotlunch]

@lborgia- We should not equate being older with being less attractive. I wouldn’t be surprised if this woman was stunning which is why he is reluctant to introduce her.
I think it is more likely that he wants to be in a relationship with this woman, but she doesn’t see him that way. So he gets into a relationship with someone he cares about, but his true soulmate is the older women.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

She doesn’t have to be stunning for him to fancy her btw.

[lborgia]

Omg, even after I re read my message I knew I should rewrite it! What I meant whatever the issue is for the man, whether he had a hang up about her age, her background, her... anything.

I've had plenty of younger boyfriends, I am not being ageist, especially at my age!

[lborgia]

And PPPS, it could be the other way around. She might not want more than they have already, whereas he's besotted.

[BillHadersNewWife]

Oh the friendship predates your relationship? I think YABU a little.

Saying that, I'm generally wary of people who hero worship other adults.

It's indicative of a weak character.

[Weffiepops]

She might be like a mentor to him at work and he really respects what she offers at work. I would try to meet her to allay your fears.

[Saracen]

I don't think there is necessarily anything romantic going on between them. All the same, she is a very very important person in his life and likely always will be, so if this bothers you then it will only get worse.

What if she actually WERE his mother/sister? You might get very cheesed off at how much he talks about her and hangs on her every word. Every important decision he makes will be guided by her: Should he change career? Buy a house with you? Have a baby? That could be very frustrating for you.

If I were you, I'd be hurt that he hasn't wanted to introduce you to her. I would expect if he were serious about you he would want the two of you to meet. He's thinking of marrying you! If his actual mum lived locally, I expect you would have met her by now - why haven't you been invited to meet his friend?

[mathanxiety]

Talking about the future and babies is a great way to get a woman hooked so she will put up with all sorts of unacceptable crap. It gives a man who has no intention of conducting himself decently to condition you into lowering your bar.

Just saying.

[mathanxiety]

*time to condition you...

[hibeat]

I would walk away.

[ButtonandPickle19]

He should be introducing you if they are that close and he’s serious about you. End of

[wehaveafloater]

OMG if his name is ( can't type the name here obvs - but a name starting with S ) then I'm the woman and he's been dribbling after me for years and I can't shake him off due to work . I was so pleased when he said he'd met someone ( about a year ago !) as hoped he'd be too occupied to keep texting me .

[Bl3ss3dm0m]

Sorry, but through both my own previous experience, and through that of a close family member, it sounds to me that he is in love with her, but that she doesn't reciprocate in "that way", so he is holding on to her as much as possible, while having the benefits of a relationship with someone else at the same time. If he refuses to let you meet her, then I see no other choice but to leave him. Be strong, and good luck x

[Juliette20]

It would piss me off, it sounds like there are three people in the marriage, as the saying goes.

[LorenzoStDubois]

wehaveafloater
OMG if his name is ( can't type the name here obvs - but a name starting with S ) then I'm the woman and he's been dribbling after me for years and I can't shake him off due to work . I was so pleased when he said he'd met someone ( about a year ago !) as hoped he'd be too occupied to keep texting me.

Ummmm, why would you engage with him to this extent then? Read what the OP said in her first post:
He and she have dinner, coffees, lunches outside or work hours, on their own. They have arranged meet ups to a shared interest, on their own. They have plans for the summer to attend events, on their own.

[mathanxiety]

It could well be that this man has interpreted a 'maybe' response from his lady friend to a proposed trip next summer as a big green light. Leeches are like that.

[Mummadeeze]

I wouldn’t assume anything untoward going on even though I can see why it annoys you. People can get very close at work. My Manager and I are very close, text loads outside work, go for lunches, have nights out, we even went to a spa overnight once. But she is a woman and so am I and we are definitely not attracted to each other - it is just that working together every week day for 7 years has brought us really close. I know the dynamic changes a bit in a man/woman scenario but I can see how an intense friendship could easily develop without any sexual side to it.

[Bluntness100]

If she’s single op and they wanted to be together, why wouldn’t they be? Do you know?

Some folks on here are very intolerant of opposite sex friendships, they always assume shagging.

But think logically about it. He knew her for four years before he even met you. If there was something romantic there past friendship, why would they not have acted on it. Why is he with you instead?

If you’ve never met her, how do you know he’s copying her mannerisms? Surely you must know someone to know that?

I’d think logically because If this is just a close friend, then asking him to end his friendship could, and likely should, end your relationship.

As said, just think through why in the four years proceeding you he and her have not elected to be romantically involved.