AIBU - OH and family finances

[AIBUfinancial]

I’m doing this AIBU post as I’ve just had another repeat argument with OH. He’s adamant he’s right, and of course I’m adamant I am. So I want some outside opinions. It’s not something we can talk to family/friends about.

Quick background - long Term relationship, 2 children, joint mortgage, wedding booked for this year

Basically I’ve spent £20 on a sandwich maker as we’re currently using an old George Forman grill which has a broken lid, the black plating is coming off etc. We’ve been talking about replacing it for a while so I bought it one from amazon. This has given OH the hump as I have no issue spending money. Don’t take saving for our future seriously. And perhaps I should go out and earn as much money as him?! To be honest I’m embarrassed how he acts given our financial position.

We live in an affluent town in 4 bed house, we have 2 high end, high spec cars both less than 2 years old, holiday at least twice a year + weekends away (Center Parcs or European cities). Can do what we want socially. We have things like expensive watches (Tag) but don’t make a habit of spending lots of money on clothes for example. I shop in places like Next/Asda for the kids. And perhaps a little bit more expensive for myself - boutiques but certainly not designer. OH wouldn’t but himself anything unless it was literally shredding off his body.

Me - Work 20 hours per week/responsibility of all the home admin/childcare/cleaning/washing/ironing/food shopping etc

OH - Runs successful business/works approximately 30 hours per week/not a particularly taxing/stressful job on the whole but obviously has its problems from time to time/does all the cooking/responsible for the dog/will happily step up with childcare if needed

Family Income - Approx £7k per calendar month net
Outgoings - Approx £3.8k per calendar month
Allocated ‘spending money’ - £1.2k per calendar month/ split 50/50 to spend how we wish
Savings - between £1.6 - £2k per calendar month depending on what’s going on (holidays/Christmas/car repairs etc)

£110k cash savings
£175k equity in family home
£60k equity in investment property

So from my perspective we are financially secure, and should enjoy life while we can. OH to be quite honest is fucking miserable when it comes to spending money. I can’t say he’s tight because of course we have a lovely way of living. But if something breaks rather than accept we just need to simply replace it, or pay to get it fixed. He’ll tantrum about how he constantly has to spend money.

It’s getting me down and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable wanting to enjoy our lives, whilst appreciating how lucky we are to be in our position. He thinks I have a blase view of spending money. If I left it to him I don’t think the poor kids wouldn’t do anything ! I buy most of the kids clothes/clubs etc from my allocated spending money as I’m just so bored of the whinging from OH if I dare comment that they might need new shoes/coat/club fees are due.

So am I being a piss taker? Or should OH lighten up?

Of course you are not being unreasonable! It must be extremely wearing to have to live with. You are clearly in a very fortunate financial position but if you husband can’t see that and enjoy his wealth, maybe he needs some form of counselling? What kind of background is he from? Do you think his upbringing might have affected his relationship with money? Good luck.

How much would the bill for electrocuting yourself or starting a fire on a broken GeorgeForeman grill cost vs buying a replacement? He hasn't any right to bring up his higher income in your relationship at all-technically I've earned more this year but I sure as hell would never include that in an argument since my hubby and I are a family

So was your DH suggesting it's better to feed your DC the black plating of the foreman grill rather than replace?

He’s bonkers!! £20 on a sandwich maker isn’t a problem on those incomes. What’s his problem really? There’s more to this. He can’t actually be bothered about £20. Is it that he doesn’t like you spending money as you like rather than asking his permission? Does he think it’s more his money because he works more/brings in more?

YANBU definitely.

I’m just so bored of the whinging from OH if I dare comment that they might need new shoes/coat/club fees are due.

Does he whinge when he pays for his new cars or goes on holiday? Or is it just when other people want things?

When you think about spending the next 50 years dealing with this shit, how do you feel?
£110k cash savings and he begrudges his own children shoes when they need them? Where the fuck did you find this arsehole?

Given your exceptionally fortunate financial position, I think there is something deep rooted in his reluctance to spend £20 on a sandwich maker. How was his upbringing? Was he very poor?

What an over reaction to the sandwich maker!
Is there something else that may be bothering him? X

You know what I noticed the most that he works 10 hours more than you a week and does cooking and childcare if you ask him. In that he is being unfair and then to throw back you dont earn as much as him given that you pretty much do everything else would have me questionning the man I married. That and the fact he doesnt buy anything for his children

Some people are really adverse to spending money, regardless of how much you have saved.

Also, how is your pension pot? If you have nothing aside from the cash savings and home equity you mention above, I can understand why he might feel the need to save more (depending on your age) - which is maybe why he is complaining.

However he is BU telling you to go out and earn as much money as him.... what a prick!

Is he perhaps having business problems and thinking the family might have to tighten its belt? You have a lot of "cushion" but is there debt (personal or business) that needs servicing?

What would your financial position look like if you don't go through with the wedding?

Whose name is the 110k savings in? Whose name is the investment property in?

A good friend of mine is like this, frugal to the extreme. He’s a really nice bloke, grew up in poverty and never wants to go there again. He drives his lovely wife mad but she understands his reasons.
I’d suggest there are deeper reasons and you need to have a conversation about that.

My guess is he's been poor and can't shake that worry. Of course YANBU. You are being unreasonable to take all the kids spending out of your budget, what does he spend his disposable income on?
We've been very poor and are now comfortable, my dh gets very stressed about earning enough and I feel sad/frustrated in turn because we don't need to worry, he doesn't need to get stressed. But he does. He's in commission based work and gets so down..
I don't know what the answer is.

Did he grow up in poverty, by any chance? Or with hoarder / eccentric parents?

May seem like a odd question, so sorry about this, but is he sexually frustrated? I ask because men will sometimes moan about petty things if they haven’t had sex for a few days. It’s a way of saying “Woe is me..”

He sounds like a miserable joyless twat who enjoys arguing about £20 when he and you have £600 to spend exactly as you please every single month.

I wouldn’t even entertain an argument in this case. I’d give him a look and tell him to grow up.

God I’m in a bad mood tonight. But also, I really would do that. He must have taken leave of senses.

He is being miserly but sounds like he needs therapy!!!

To answer as many questions as possible.

He grew up in a wealthy family. Not millionaires but very comfortable. Cars bought to his 18th and 21st etc. Mobile phone paid for until he was at least 25. Financed through uni.

He whinges about spending money on anything ! So not just for others. He refuses to replace shoes that quite frankly look like he’s homeless. So I’ll buckle and buy them for him.

We don’t have a pension pot. The investment property is our start on this. So we’re looking to buy another etc.

The savings are in joint names. The investment property is in his name.

There are no business problems. I am privy to the accounts. There is no debt apart from our mortgage. But as stated we have a fair bit of equity in the property (40%)

He says that he bears all the financial pressure and I live in a dreamworld. I’m quite a naturally positive person so have more the opinion that if things got difficult we’d adapt accordingly. I’d get a full time job for example. But at the moment I don’t need to. Also our youngest is not at school. She goes to childcare 3 days a week when I work and I feel so lucky to be able to spend 2 days a week with her. There’s so need to put her in childcare the other 2 days just to earn more money!

As an aside I am looking in to starting my own business, very early stages but I am showing willing to provide more in our future.

He saves most of his disposable income 😂. Always asks me how much I have left. And yes most of the time it’s none! And why not?!?! We both work hard enough to spend it. And this literally covers social outings/clothing/birthdays/hobbies etc (I’m talking about the £600 we both have each month)

Sexually frustrated - hmm haven’t thought of that. I am on my period and we don’t have sex when I’m on. So maybe?

Oh don’t worry I told him! Said I was embarrassed by the way he’s reacted. Makes me want to give the sandwich maker away to someone who needs it.

Sounds like a real arse then. Stop buying him shoes! What's he spending on, or is he saving everything?

Saves most of it. Does have a hobby and will go out with friends so obviously uses it for that.

You're going to marry someone who gets shitty over £20?

YABU.