AIBU - OH and family finances

[AIBUfinancial]

I’m doing this AIBU post as I’ve just had another repeat argument with OH. He’s adamant he’s right, and of course I’m adamant I am. So I want some outside opinions. It’s not something we can talk to family/friends about.

Quick background - long Term relationship, 2 children, joint mortgage, wedding booked for this year

Basically I’ve spent £20 on a sandwich maker as we’re currently using an old George Forman grill which has a broken lid, the black plating is coming off etc. We’ve been talking about replacing it for a while so I bought it one from amazon. This has given OH the hump as I have no issue spending money. Don’t take saving for our future seriously. And perhaps I should go out and earn as much money as him?! To be honest I’m embarrassed how he acts given our financial position.

We live in an affluent town in 4 bed house, we have 2 high end, high spec cars both less than 2 years old, holiday at least twice a year + weekends away (Center Parcs or European cities). Can do what we want socially. We have things like expensive watches (Tag) but don’t make a habit of spending lots of money on clothes for example. I shop in places like Next/Asda for the kids. And perhaps a little bit more expensive for myself - boutiques but certainly not designer. OH wouldn’t but himself anything unless it was literally shredding off his body.

Me - Work 20 hours per week/responsibility of all the home admin/childcare/cleaning/washing/ironing/food shopping etc

OH - Runs successful business/works approximately 30 hours per week/not a particularly taxing/stressful job on the whole but obviously has its problems from time to time/does all the cooking/responsible for the dog/will happily step up with childcare if needed

Family Income - Approx £7k per calendar month net
Outgoings - Approx £3.8k per calendar month
Allocated ‘spending money’ - £1.2k per calendar month/ split 50/50 to spend how we wish
Savings - between £1.6 - £2k per calendar month depending on what’s going on (holidays/Christmas/car repairs etc)

£110k cash savings
£175k equity in family home
£60k equity in investment property

So from my perspective we are financially secure, and should enjoy life while we can. OH to be quite honest is fucking miserable when it comes to spending money. I can’t say he’s tight because of course we have a lovely way of living. But if something breaks rather than accept we just need to simply replace it, or pay to get it fixed. He’ll tantrum about how he constantly has to spend money.

It’s getting me down and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable wanting to enjoy our lives, whilst appreciating how lucky we are to be in our position. He thinks I have a blase view of spending money. If I left it to him I don’t think the poor kids wouldn’t do anything ! I buy most of the kids clothes/clubs etc from my allocated spending money as I’m just so bored of the whinging from OH if I dare comment that they might need new shoes/coat/club fees are due.

So am I being a piss taker? Or should OH lighten up?

It sounds so joyless. What's the point in earning all this money if you never spend any of it? You're already putting a lot away each month so it's not as though you're spending every penny.

Also, if work out how much you spend on the DC on average each month and suggest/insist you both contribute half from your individual spending pots. And let him walk around in shoes full of holes if he's minded to. He's an adult, maybe he'll start to learn if you don't step in.

We don’t have a pension pot. The investment property is our start on this.

The investment property is in his name.

So your entire “pension” is solely in his name? Also, absolutely bonkers that in that income neither of you have an actual proper pension!! Get that sorted ASAP! In your own name. Honestly OP.

I can see why he has been in no rush to marry you. He knows that gives you instant claim on all his money and savings if you spilt up.

He thinks you spending £20 on a sandwich maker is you living in a dreamworld and will cause financial issues... I’d honestly leave him in your position. You will have a better life without him:

Our all bank accounts are joint - so the savings are jointly mine ?

It’s only the investment property that’s solely in his name.

Pension pot - yes noted. It’s something we have been discussing. Just not sure the best way to go about it. We we need some financial advice.

Missed that you weren't married, so he's refusing to spend on the kids, squirrels his spare cash away and the upshot is he's got more financial security but is upset at your spending? Sounds crap.

Mine sulked over a new vacuum cleaner he could have got it online for £10 less he said. He would have preferred to order it himself. Tarzan testosterone to the fore. Told him if he ever did the hoovering he could choose the next one

Savings are jointly yours in a joint account, but not sure where you'd stand if either of you decided to clear them out..

Our all bank accounts are joint - so the savings are jointly mine ?

he can legally clear the accounts without your permission though- (he may have to pay it back eventually but while you’re forcing that through solicitors you have no savings!) so if the relationship starts to head south, take what you needs before he does. Men tend to think of money first and foremost in the event of a split- this man will definitely think of money!

Just to make it clear as well the savings are what we have accrued since being together. What he did have before, he used for half the deposit and fees for our first home. Same for me so when we moved in together we started at £0

Marry him ASAP so at least you have some claim over the pension money. Currently you have nothing.

he bears the financial pressure???
In what way does he think there’s any pressure with that income and level of savings?

God I couldn't live with someone like that, how miserable.
What exactly is he saving for. You have a lovely life and a lot of money saved and invested

@JKScot4 because he earns most of it? So I suppose in a round about way I get to work part time and spend money as I please ?!

You’re spending I imagine mostly on the DC, is he yet another man that doesn’t think he should find his kids? This about the 5th post this week about tight men.

Where does he put all his spending money that he is saving every month? Does that go into joint savings?

So I suppose in a round about way I get to work part time and spend money as I please ?!

He only works 10 more hours per week than you and he doesn’t do all the “home admin/childcare/cleaning/washing/ironing/food shopping etc” that you do. Tally up all those hours and you’ll find he doesn’t work as many hours as you at all.

He also gets to spend money as he pleases btw. He just chooses not to.

Indeed, marry him quickly! And ensure that the next investment property is solely in your name! Have you asked him why he’s being such a twat over £20? I mean, I’d spunk that on a quick trip to the local shop for bread etc.

So again the poor man is excused being a twat as he hasn't had sex for a few days .

I can’t believe someone suggested sexual frustration. The next logical step is that a blow job will sort him out. Fucks sake.
Honestly, it sounds controlling to be honest. Try and wear you down with worries about money when you have none.

What a cock

Yes, where is his £600 a month he chooses not to spend? His own personal savings account or the 'joint' savings account? Don't go thinking that as the savings are accrued during your relationship that you would be given an equal share, you are in a relationship, not a legally binding partnership. Another vote to marry him quick.

I dread to think what this irritating attitude to money would feel like if he was your ex and you were trying to extract child maintenance

I have nowhere near £7k a month coming in, but if I wanted to buy a sandwich toaster, I'd buy a bloody sandwich toaster! YANBU.

@JuanSheetIsPlenty you’re probably right. But the fact is he does bring in a lot more money than me! Regardless of how many hours he works.

I’m happy with the division of ‘labour’ I have a very good life with plenty of spare time to do as I please. I just don’t understand/agree with his views on money.

I don’t care if he saves his whole £600 per month. It’s our money to do as we please. I don’t have to spend all mine. But I do, because it’s there to be spent not saved in my
opinion. As an example this month so far I have spent

£70 hair appointment
£60 2 x nail appointments
£50 gym classes
£100 half term activities with the kids
£55 on DC1 - 3 x pyjamas and trainers
£75 on clothes for myself
£25 Valentines Day
£30 misc (coffees/magazine etc)
The rest will go on bits and bobs through the week and I have a night out with friends next weekend.

He thinks that I am excessive in my spending.