AIBU - OH and family finances

[AIBUfinancial]

I’m doing this AIBU post as I’ve just had another repeat argument with OH. He’s adamant he’s right, and of course I’m adamant I am. So I want some outside opinions. It’s not something we can talk to family/friends about.

Quick background - long Term relationship, 2 children, joint mortgage, wedding booked for this year

Basically I’ve spent £20 on a sandwich maker as we’re currently using an old George Forman grill which has a broken lid, the black plating is coming off etc. We’ve been talking about replacing it for a while so I bought it one from amazon. This has given OH the hump as I have no issue spending money. Don’t take saving for our future seriously. And perhaps I should go out and earn as much money as him?! To be honest I’m embarrassed how he acts given our financial position.

We live in an affluent town in 4 bed house, we have 2 high end, high spec cars both less than 2 years old, holiday at least twice a year + weekends away (Center Parcs or European cities). Can do what we want socially. We have things like expensive watches (Tag) but don’t make a habit of spending lots of money on clothes for example. I shop in places like Next/Asda for the kids. And perhaps a little bit more expensive for myself - boutiques but certainly not designer. OH wouldn’t but himself anything unless it was literally shredding off his body.

Me - Work 20 hours per week/responsibility of all the home admin/childcare/cleaning/washing/ironing/food shopping etc

OH - Runs successful business/works approximately 30 hours per week/not a particularly taxing/stressful job on the whole but obviously has its problems from time to time/does all the cooking/responsible for the dog/will happily step up with childcare if needed

Family Income - Approx £7k per calendar month net
Outgoings - Approx £3.8k per calendar month
Allocated ‘spending money’ - £1.2k per calendar month/ split 50/50 to spend how we wish
Savings - between £1.6 - £2k per calendar month depending on what’s going on (holidays/Christmas/car repairs etc)

£110k cash savings
£175k equity in family home
£60k equity in investment property

So from my perspective we are financially secure, and should enjoy life while we can. OH to be quite honest is fucking miserable when it comes to spending money. I can’t say he’s tight because of course we have a lovely way of living. But if something breaks rather than accept we just need to simply replace it, or pay to get it fixed. He’ll tantrum about how he constantly has to spend money.

It’s getting me down and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable wanting to enjoy our lives, whilst appreciating how lucky we are to be in our position. He thinks I have a blase view of spending money. If I left it to him I don’t think the poor kids wouldn’t do anything ! I buy most of the kids clothes/clubs etc from my allocated spending money as I’m just so bored of the whinging from OH if I dare comment that they might need new shoes/coat/club fees are due.

So am I being a piss taker? Or should OH lighten up?

As part of the conversation remind him that you carry the load at home and you both deserve equal leisure time and equal "spending" money.

Some people are just hard wired like that. My DH has not logged into our bank account in years, rolls his eyes every time a delivery comes. Absolutely detests spending money and says the money spent on holidays should go to over paying the mortgage. However, he would also give me and our children the shirt off his back, he’s just not a spender. We don’t argue about it though and the kids know if they want cash they come to me. Our account is joint, we are very lucky in that we both have good paying jobs.

OP, have that conversation.

This is not normal nor healthy.

Men denying their family what they need is not good.

The fact that he would rather you use a faulty electrical item rather that replace is very worrying.

I think you need to be in protection mode.

Accumulate copies of all money related things.

I would hope for the best but DEFINITELY prepare for the worst.

I agree with pp that you need to sit down and discuss exactly what you’re spending on so he actually understands that your spending money is going on the dc as well as yourself.

With a take home of 7k between you, you are definitely not being frivolous in getting your hair/nails done or spending £50 on the gym or £75 on clothes for yourself. It’s hardly excessive and I really don’t understand the viewpoint of some pp. It would be very different if you said no to extra-curriculars for your children as you couldn’t afford it or new clothes or good quality shoes for them. You’re not spending at the expense of your dc and that is the main point as you are also saving 1.8k per month.

I assume the £600pm spending money each was agreed together? If so, I don’t understand the problem. Would it help if you lowered the amount and then make it explicitly clear that any expenses for the dc will come from the joint account and no longer from yours. Tell him it’s draining to hear him complain constantly as if he begrudges you and your dc. If you had a lower income or didn’t have savings etc. I could understand his wanting to be careful. That isn’t the case however, so he needs to understand that life is also for enjoying as well as saving. It’s about finding a balance.

Why are you buying things for the kids out of your money? Surely that should come from joint money?

Totally not useful but Make him use the old sandwich toaster. And marry him ASAP.

Just send him the link and say you were worried about the safety of a broken grill
www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6153177/Naked-Florida-man-starts-house-fire-trying-bake-cookies-George-Foreman-grill.html

So do you spend your 600 for the sake of it?

I couldn't be with someone who did that tbh.

I'd marry him as well.
Can you set up a pocket money account for DD and just buy all her clothing and days out treats from it.

I buy for the kids because he moans about having to spend money. So I just do it because it’s easier. Saves a row!

And of course I don’t spend £600 per month for the sake of it. I don’t find things to spend money on. But I do treat myself to gym/nails every month. Then in March it’s Mother’s Day, my best friends 40th, my 2 godchildren’s Birthdays, a class party at School. What I’m trying to say is every month there is something going on! Sometimes if it’s a quieter month then yes I treat myself to some clothes, god forbid!

I think I might agree if I was spending money on designer goods constantly. I hardly ever buy make up. I don’t have waxing-tanning-threading or any other luxurious beauty treatments.

What’s life for if, when you’re in the position to, you can’t treat yourself occasionally!

Yes the £600 was a joint decision.

Why are pp trying to shame what OP spends? She looks after her appearance, looks after her kids, she’s by no means frivolous.

Thank you @JKScot4 I don’t want to be that annoying person on AIBU who doesn’t listen to anyone but I honestly don’t think I’m frivolous.

For context the sandwich maker has cost 0.3% of our monthly income. It really shouldn’t be an issue! But yes agree this is deeper than the initial cause of the argument.

We’re having a chat tonight. I’ll update

"And of course I don’t spend £600 per month for the sake of it."

I only asked because you had also put "I don’t have to spend all mine. But I do, because it’s there to be spent"

I don't think that I could regularly spend that amount per month.

But if it's an agreed amount then it's u to you.

What does he do with his allowance that he doesn't spend?

And him not wanting to spend on the kids is awful-even on stuff they need?

Apologies I was flippant with my comment. What I meant was I spend on what I do because I can? So if things were tight I wouldn’t be going away for the weekend for my friends 40th. I’d buy her a card and a small gift. My Godchildren I’d send a card. So I would adapt my spending to my financial position. I hope that makes more sense !!

He saves what he doesn’t spend. On occasion he will transfer half what I spend on the kids. But like I’ve said it always causes a row so I just don’t bother asking.

He’s not a complete ogre. I am appreciative that he does bring in the majority of the money which funds the lifestyle we lead. But like other posters have said his attitude is as if he could do this without the support I give him. Of course he could. But he’d be paying me maintenance and seeing his kids every other weekend.

No need to apologise.

Like your husband, I find it difficult to spend money-& do find it hard to not always look for the cheapest when food shopping, for example.

And for myself I buy a lot of stuff off ebay-although that's also tied up with hating clothes shopping!

I do regularly go out with friends for meals/nights out though, so can spend-I just need to consider it worthwhile!

The kids thing is just really odd though!

But to get back to the original point- £20 to replace something broken that will be used?

Even I Scrooge couldn't find fault with that!

YANBU if you have separate spending money what is he moaning about? He sounds incredibly miserable to be worrying about a £20 sandwich maker when you're comfortably off.

Are the properties and savings in his name? If so that would worry me, because if you split you'll have nothing in the way if financial security. But that's probably another thread.

As for him being moody and grumpy over a £20 sandwich maker, this would drive me insane

Does he imagine you should ask permission to spend anything?

Or that you shouldn't spend anything whilst he isn't around as he doesn't get the benefit so to speak? Only asking as my partner seems to think that I should only ever do free activities with our son and any treats should be just when he's about .

The funniest thing is I don’t even eat toasted sandwiches 🤣. It’s his and the kids ‘thing’ at the weekend.

I came in all happy like ‘ohhh look what I’ve bought you! The plates even come out so you can pop them in the dishwasher rather than scrubbing away!’ I was excited for him. And now I just feel deflated. I’m going to return it and throw the broken one away. He can sort something out if he wants a replacement

You need to point out that your £600 is split 3 ways between you and his 2 children (2 or more?). Ask him how much he usually spends on himself - probably £200 per month at least...

That’s not true though, that if he earned money without the current support set up, that he’d be paying maintenance and seeing them EOW.

He could have them 50/50, pay no maintenance, and use childcare. He only works 30 hours a week, and it sounds like it’s his own business so possibly more flexible than some employment.

Honestly, on the scale from “you enable his earnings” to “you spend his earnings”, you are more to the right in his mind, I am sure.

I would tell him that you acknowledge that you have different financial priorities, but the £600 spends is agreed, and therefor you will brook NO comment on your choices within that. I would also work out a separate amount for “spending on children”, and again - tell him that you will no stand for any comments on how that amount is spent.

@Ellisandra he could but please don’t forget I do earn also. So without my earnings we couldn’t save as much money as we do, or have the same level of spending allowances.

Yes that is my plan. So our savings will be £200 for children - clubs/clothes etc and the remaining to our normal savings.
And the £600 unless he wants to negotiate a different amount, it’s not commented on.

Your monthly savings are around the level of our joint income. DP wouldn't bat an eyelid if I spent twenty quid on something. He gets a bit 'We don't need one, really, do we?' at the fifty quid mark - but if I tell him I've thrown something away because it's dangerous, he doesn't dispute that at all.

I've sometimes thought 'Really?' when yet another Amazon delivery has come through. But he earns, too. So, as long as it's not something ridiculous although he has bought some right cheap shit for the recording studio that could affect our ability to pay the bills, I don't really give a shit what he spends it on.

£365 a year on hair, £780 a year on nails and £360 a year on filling the recycling bin and lattes seems like a fuckton of money to me - maybe it's that which is bothering him more than the Breville? He sees expenditure in whole year terms, rather than day by day?

It could be that he’s unhappy about something else in your relationship or wider life, so the moaning about this sandwich maker is just one manifestation of a deeper issue?

That aside, I could not live with a man like this. You shouldn’t have to split your spending money 50/50. God this sounds boring as hell. As we all know, done months std more expensive than others. Of course people have different spending patterns and prioritise different things, but where is the respect? Where is the trust in a marriage if you have to split things in this way?

He has no realistic understanding of how much children cost, in terms of activities / clothes / general life and OP, in the nicest possible way, this is because you are facilitating him living in a dream world because you’re buying the bulk of the children’s essentials out of “your” money.

Fgs, you made children together. Fact. Children need stuff. Fact. If he saw the money for his children’s clubs and whatever else coming out of a joint account, like most fathers, he’d soon get used to it. He needs a reality check, in other worlds.

You are working 20 hours to his 30 because of the kids. He doesn’t get to lord it over you and treat you like a naughty child. Who made him god?

I don’t work at all because if our DC, but I can tell you in no uncertain terms - if my DH tried to make me feel as if I had to run purchases past him, I’d be back to work ASAP via a divorce lawyer.

Like most couples, we just accept that our priority is the DC. I am the one with the DC in the main, therefore he has to accept my judgement on what the kids need as and when. Otherwise, he can do it himself.

Same with anything else - as a couple, there will be many joint expenses, but obviously, any two people will spend money in different ways. If you can’t cope with that in your wife or husband, then (bar spendaholics / gamblers etc) you have no business being in a marriage, frankly. It is what it is. If I buy clothes or whatever, DH doesn’t need to question me because he trusts that I wouldn’t spend excessively and respects that if I deem something is necessary then that’s that. Similarly, if he buys cars or bikes or spends money on his hobbies, that’s his business as far as I’m concerned. He doesn’t need a separate account to hide this. I don’t even compare my spending to his and vice versa. We are parents and you have to get over this kind of thing.