AIBU - OH and family finances

[AIBUfinancial]

I’m doing this AIBU post as I’ve just had another repeat argument with OH. He’s adamant he’s right, and of course I’m adamant I am. So I want some outside opinions. It’s not something we can talk to family/friends about.

Quick background - long Term relationship, 2 children, joint mortgage, wedding booked for this year

Basically I’ve spent £20 on a sandwich maker as we’re currently using an old George Forman grill which has a broken lid, the black plating is coming off etc. We’ve been talking about replacing it for a while so I bought it one from amazon. This has given OH the hump as I have no issue spending money. Don’t take saving for our future seriously. And perhaps I should go out and earn as much money as him?! To be honest I’m embarrassed how he acts given our financial position.

We live in an affluent town in 4 bed house, we have 2 high end, high spec cars both less than 2 years old, holiday at least twice a year + weekends away (Center Parcs or European cities). Can do what we want socially. We have things like expensive watches (Tag) but don’t make a habit of spending lots of money on clothes for example. I shop in places like Next/Asda for the kids. And perhaps a little bit more expensive for myself - boutiques but certainly not designer. OH wouldn’t but himself anything unless it was literally shredding off his body.

Me - Work 20 hours per week/responsibility of all the home admin/childcare/cleaning/washing/ironing/food shopping etc

OH - Runs successful business/works approximately 30 hours per week/not a particularly taxing/stressful job on the whole but obviously has its problems from time to time/does all the cooking/responsible for the dog/will happily step up with childcare if needed

Family Income - Approx £7k per calendar month net
Outgoings - Approx £3.8k per calendar month
Allocated ‘spending money’ - £1.2k per calendar month/ split 50/50 to spend how we wish
Savings - between £1.6 - £2k per calendar month depending on what’s going on (holidays/Christmas/car repairs etc)

£110k cash savings
£175k equity in family home
£60k equity in investment property

So from my perspective we are financially secure, and should enjoy life while we can. OH to be quite honest is fucking miserable when it comes to spending money. I can’t say he’s tight because of course we have a lovely way of living. But if something breaks rather than accept we just need to simply replace it, or pay to get it fixed. He’ll tantrum about how he constantly has to spend money.

It’s getting me down and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable wanting to enjoy our lives, whilst appreciating how lucky we are to be in our position. He thinks I have a blase view of spending money. If I left it to him I don’t think the poor kids wouldn’t do anything ! I buy most of the kids clothes/clubs etc from my allocated spending money as I’m just so bored of the whinging from OH if I dare comment that they might need new shoes/coat/club fees are due.

So am I being a piss taker? Or should OH lighten up?

Why the hell is the investment property in his name only?

I don’t know to be honest. We did say the next one we buy will be in my name. So we have one each. Or we might set up a joint ltd company for the property side of things.

This is complete coercive control.

He does not respect and value your contribution to the family by working part-time, hence his spiteful comment about your nit earning what he does. He’d have to pay for a nanny and a housekeeper without you, give him a bill for this.

He doesn’t allow you to make free decisions or respect your judgement as to what needs buying, children’s shoes, clubs etc And so you need to use your own £600 and he can then say you spend more than him as you have nothing left and he does!

He is making the ‘right’ finance choices about savings/investments/cars/holidays whilst you are ‘frivolous and wreck less’ by ex’s favourite words to describe my spending. They always have a reasoned argument as to why their way if thinking is correct and yours is not.

None of this is about how much money you do/don’t have or the £20 on a toaster.

The key issues here are that he has no respect for your judgement.
No respect for the way you would want to manage finances.
No respect for the lifestyle/way of life you would like.

I’m sorry but unless immediate and intensive counselling makes him completely see the light (I doubt this very much). You need to get rid.

I can’t tell you how much this post reminded me of my ex. All was well why I was a high earner, once I became a SAHM and we had 4 children and school fees he became worse and worse until in the end I was being given House keeping money which was so insufficient I had to frequently put shopping back at the supermarket tills. He moved all his income into ‘his’ account and took away my credit card. All this while he paid £15k per child school fees Per year and I could barely afford to buy beans on toast.

Ask yourself what would happen if you became ill and couldn’t work and why on earth is your name not on the investment property.

He doesn’t see you as equal, leave now while your children are young. You will get a better financial settlement and the children will adapt more easily.

Obviously you're not unreasonable OP, I've spent similar and our income is much less (especially as I'm on mat leave!). The issue is that I suspect you won't get him to agree with you.

You've agreed a "spends" budget so I suggest you tell him not to ask you again about how you spend that money. If he asks, don't tell him.

And get him to pay half for the DC stuff!!

Thank you all for confirming my thoughts. I asked on here because it’s such a reoccurring argument I have started to question whether I am actually taking the piss!

@scubadive your post worries me. Sorry you had to go through that.

Perhaps I should marry him first, before I leave (semi light hearted)

Well it would puss me off if I was spending just "my" money on things for the kids and he was saving "his" money. He must have quite a bit out by for himself. I wonder why he feels the need to save all that money and not pay equal amount for the children.

@AIBUfinancial. This is definitely coercive control, you are starting to question your own judgement ffs. Why when this behaviour is so obviously the ‘unusual’ behaviour.

Why is it that he is so right and you are having to justify your choices. Why is it not the other way round.

Why have you so often referred to his higher earnings and not your higher contribution to the home and children. Why does his earnings trump your contribution. He is not showing you any respect, he does not value your view point.

Please open your eyes and remove yourself from this situation. I stayed in this sort of a relation for 25 years, desperately trying to hold onto family life. It nearly cost me my mental health and my physical health, my children suffered hugely a separation in their teens and he still controls all the money , making me beg for money for the children even now. You deserve better than this.

OMG, your not married and the investment property is in his name?????

My god, yes marry him now, ASAP and then leave him. (Very serious, not light hearted at all) you are in a very vulnerable financial position.

You have diffident ideas about what value things have.
Clearly, he’s not against spending money - the expensive holidays, the flashy new cars. But don’t things, he sees as a waste of money.
I get that... I earn about £5K net per month. I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at spending a £5K on a holiday, because I value holidays. But I look at your list and think “nails TWICE in a month at £30 a pop? What a complete waste of money!” I wouldn’t, for example, spend £50 on a bottle of perfume that lasts 6 months (extortionate - for water that smells?!) yet I’d happily spend £100 on 2 theatre tickets, for a show that’s over in 2 hours.

So I can actually see how he would think you were free with money - and I can see why he’d feel even more entitled to that opinion if he was earning most of it. People shears jump in with “but you’re caring for his kids”. But honestly, he works 30 hours in his own business - childcare would cover that. So he probably doesn’t feel that you’re enabling his earnings.

Before I get torn apart - I’m not saying he’s right - I’m saying I can see how he feels.

People feel differently about money and security. I was at risk of redundancy last year. My low earning husband was all “we’ll be fine”. Me - I won’t say I was OTT, but I was definitely more concerned than him. His happy go lucky attitude did piss me off - I felt he didn’t emotionally support me with my fears at all, as he didn’t get them, so was inadvertently quite dismissive. We did talk about it!

Bottom line though - once you divvy up the spends, he should shut the fuck up!!!! I think £60 on nails in a month is a waste of money. I also think your expensive cars are a waste of money. You’d look at my bikes perhaps, and consider them a waste! I absolutely would not lecture you. He needs to wind his neck in! But I just wanted to share my experience of being quite wealthy but still thinking a relatively low value spend is a waste of money.

How have you/he amassed your savings/investments?
£120 on nail appointments in one month?
£70 a month on hair?
I’m not defending your partner but you have suggested that you feel that you should enjoy your money. He seems to want to accumulate wealth.
You really need to have a frank discussion about your financial position.
Who has accumulated all of your wealth? Or most of your wealth?
What is your aim for your future together?
Is it to spend it while you have it or to build up for a leisurely early retirement? Can you try to find a way to do both?

Off topic but I'm curious - what is his job/sector of work that he can take home those sums for not too much effort and only working 30 hours a week?!

@1Morewineplease
Sorry £60 in total on 2 appointments. And no, £70 for hair every 10 weeks.
He wants to accumulate wealth 100%. He would hardly spend anything if it was solely up to him. Whilst it’s important to be sensible I have a more relaxed view and think if we earn as much as we do we should bloody well enjoy it.

Obviously the savings would have mainly come from his business yes. But I have supported him in this over the 10+ years we have been together. Picking up the slack for the majority of day to day life. The organising, the mental load, the cleaner, the housemaid, the nanny etc. I’ve stepped up and helped in the business where and when I can. I haven’t sat on my backside for 10 years, not working and having someone else do our cleaning/ironing etc.

@Ellisandra he probably feels very much like you do. I get what you’re saying about what I’ve chosen to spend my money on. But we have an agreement that we both get £600 per calendar month to spend how we choose. So really it shouldn’t matter what I spend it on? I don’t comment on what he spends his on. As long as it’s not illegal I don’t care.

@scubadive. Noted. Thank you.

@FreckledLeopard. It’s quite niche and would be massively outing. It’s consultancy based within the public sector.

Get married pdq.

YANBU. What a joyless existence. You are very comfortably off, I'd be enjoying spending it as well OP. You aren't going wild as there are plenty of savings too. He sounds like a miserable fucker and unless he drastically changes his attitude I can only see this eating away at your future marriage.

But the fact is he does bring in a lot more money than me!

Facilitated by YOU! If you weren’t providing childcare and doing all his cleaning and shopping and house admin he would have to either reduce his working hours (and thus his income) or outsource all those tasks and pay for them (also reducing his total income)

Please do not either underestimate or undervalue the role you provide at home and the beneficial impact that has had on his earning potential. Believe me- as a single parent having someone else at home doing all you do would have left me a far wealthier woman!

Your dh sounds like a right misery! You’re in a good financial position so you can spend £20 on a bloody sandwich maker. It sounds draining being around him.

As I said before , you both need to sit down and discuss your individual and joint priorities.
It sounds to me as though you both have a very different viewpoint when it comes to money.
If you just want to spend your wealth then you need to think about your old age. Believe me, having had parents go through old age, it’s frightening just how quickly an accumulated wealth gets eaten up in care home fees ( in our case, in excess of £6000 per month. )
Maybe your partner is just too wary about the future. Maybe he needs to lighten up a bit , given that you both seem to have built up a considerable amount already.
But maybe , you might be spending a bit too much on frivolities which would erk him.
Yes, enjoy your money, but be very aware that it might not be around for ever.
As an aside, maybe tone down the nail treatments?! You don’t need such frivolity.

I have a miniscule disposable income and even I could afford to spend £20 on a sandwich toaster.
Why on earth do you want to marry him?

Why on earth do you want to marry him?

To get half the house he has bought himself as a pension.

Ok.
He’s thrifty and frugal and loves accumulating wealth.
You want to spend and enjoy your joint accumulated wealth.
As I said... you both REALLY need to sit down and discuss this.
If you don’t do this soon then don’t bother getting married.

Yes a discussion is to be had tonight. We can’t continue if there’s no compromise, either way, I agree.

We do save on average £1.8k per month. That’s more than a lot of people earn!

I don’t agree it’s frivolous to spend under 1% of our monthly income on nail treatments though.

It sounds to me it's not about the grill, it's about your wider spending habits - he's not a spender it sounds like and whilst you can afford it, he sees it as wasteful. You need to have a serious talk, this cannot be left because it will end in tears.

Before I even move in I have had this conversation, money is the cause of many break ups ultimately - it's not a romantic thing to discuss but necessary. In my case we have agreed proportionate contributions (I earn less) and putting proportionate money into savings - everything else can be spent at our discretion, I'm a saver by nature which he likes, but I have stated I needed a cleaner, ironing etc so it is equal in a different way

It sounds like he resents having to spend money on his family, he is probably imagining all of the money he could save if it was just up to him, but at what real cost?