So depressed with relationship. Can’t tell if it’s me.

[Canttellifimright1]

Always had argumentative relationship with DH. Kids 14 and 11.
I feel constantly attacked , belittled and talked down to. From his perspective, I’m disorganised, not on top of things and dont have my shit together. I’m dyslexic. It does impact on my ability to hold information and organise myself.

Example 1 we are on holiday, have sex. He leaves the room and on his return an hour later, bursts in. Flailing, gesticulating about an open food container, open moisturiser, towel on the floor. SUPPER agressive. I stayed home the following day as I couldn’t face activities and acting like I felt ok.

Example 2. In the car with friends on the way to dinner. He asked me to fw him a photo, for our daughter. I sent by text rather that wasap. He flips, why did I send by text, it’s not come through. He went on and on. That I didn’t hold door open for himAll really inappropriate infront of friends , who asked that “we stop”
Journey there so awkward. At table he tried to make small talk with me. i was so upset, couldn't react naturally, He burst out again.
I picked up coat and left. Sat in hotel alone.
I don’t know how to change myself.

I don’t know how to make it stop.

He sent me this message. I dont talk to you like a dog but you treat me like an assistant. Even when you drop a door in my face, you are totally unaware. You find it strange that i am offended that you wont even whatsapp the homework to Ian- you’ll only send via me, like I am your secretary? Only I send you (and your family) photos- you rarely, if ever, send me one. I’m just your little bitch admin assistant. This morning, you ‘didnt understand’ how to order a hoody; this evening it wasnt a lack of understanding of how to send Ian a message- just your usual ‘why should i bother when you can send him the homework and send the photos of the day. Its hard for me to accept its a lack of ability- seems like a ‘fuck you- i cant be bothered’. I always feel dissed and if i express that, i just get a louder: ‘Fuck You’.

He sounds absolutely awful.
Don't put up with that shit for another second!
I'm sure someone with some helpful advice will come along soon but my god you are worth more than this horrible twat is giving you

After your first message I thought he was being a dick but after your second one he sounds exasperated he is doing every thing for you. Is he? I’d be pissed off if dh let a door swing in my face.

I’m dyslexic but it doesn’t mean I can’t organise stuff or send messages. Why are you sending messages via your dh?

Maybe he is exasperated however nothing justifies belittling you or bickering in front of friends. If he was a nice guy he wouldn't do that. He's address the issue (If there is an issue) differently.

*he'd

Bagofoldbones. I had no Idea he was behind me. I had no idea, so it was a genuine accident. I didn’t know about it till he started shouting at me.

He does do a lot. But I do 90% of childcare. I look after ghe house as best I can. Am really involved with helping kids with homework. I’m not perfect at all. But I do try my best and am always caught off guard. I genuinely don’t know if I’m so awful. Ghat I do deserve it, or if he is just actually a bully.
I felt so so belittled infront of our friends.
I was so happy to be going for dinner. He just crashed down on me like a wave. My heart starts pounding, and he goes on and on. I’m in tears. I don’t know how to be better than I am.

Sorry about spelling.

Sounds like he makes mountains out of tiny mole hills to give him an excuse to yell at you, put you down and make you feel shit, to make himself feel better about something.

He focuses on tiny things, that most people wouldn’t notice let alone make into a row, to justify his urge to make you feel small and shit. If this is the case, it is abusive.

Message was sent via DH because bb sitter happened to be the tour guides assistant. It was all really last minute. I only had your guides number.
As we were leaving Dd asked for the photo. I asked DH to fw him the photo.

I really need help. This is happening daily. Often more than once a day. If it is my fault. I want to change. I want to be better and not wind him up.

Either
He is abusive
Or
He is exasperated to the point where he cant articulate his feelings clearly. And you are becoming stuck in a cycle of him snapping, you feeling bad and withdrawing. Which is what happened to me and my dyslexic dh. We went to counselling and I stopped enabling him.

redexpat. Yes. It’s a cycle. As it’s been going on for so long. I feel constantly under attack.
When he walks in from work, the complaints come in thick and fast, it’s like I’m expecting it to happen. And it does. It’s like ( from my perspective) i can do 11 things, but he’ll come in and notice the 12th thing I’ve not completed and have a go.

This is why I’m non longer with my ex. They can be fucking vile! He sounds like an emotionally abusive person and I think you should talk to a woman’s help charity. They helped me x here for you

It makes me feel utterly useless. And so lonely.

What's daily life like with him?

It concerns me that he's blowing up at you on a daily basis and you're focused on it being your fault.

I'm not sure I've understood everything you've posted though.

Can you look at the Freedom Programme course? Then you can evaluate what's going on as you've got the full picture, whereas we don't.

Oh, actually that sounds clearer.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

Ok so heres one takeaway from my counsellor. Before you go to sleep ask each other

1. What was the best tjing that happened today?
2. What have I done to make you feel appreciated?
3. Is there anything practical we need to discuss?

user53976478853 I’m concerned yhat it’s my fault because I AM disorganised. I am not good at admin. I do irritate him and feel that I’m to blame. That If I was more together, that he would stop.
On the other hand. I know that I’m loving, funny, affectionate and s good mother. I’m so confused

My heart pounds so fast when it’s happening. I never know why. It’s so hurtful. But once it’s calm, he always has a readon why it happened, and he’s always right. I DID forget to post the item. I DID leave the washing in the rain. I DID forget to send the email. He does ALWAYS have a point. I just feel not good enough.

No-one deserves to be spoken to in that manner. You are a person, and you deserve common courtesy. It sounds like he will always have a reason to demean and belittle you. Or anyone else he is in a relationship with. Most people's partners become exasperated from time to time. This doesn't sound like normal exasperation. This sounds like bullying.

The fact that he’s out, enjoying dinner, and I’m back here alone just makes me feel awful. It feels cruel. That he’s not apologised. He sent me this
If you would like to come back we await you. Just call me or ask hotel for cab x No apology. I’m expected yo just swallow the shouting and humiliation and come back.

OP, do you have ADHD, or have you ever looked at the possibility that you might?
I have ADHD and I know it can make me difficult to live with sometimes as I'm super oblivious sometimes and very disorganised. However, my DH wouldn't dream to send me a message like that.
You don't deserve to be spoken to that way.

The doing 11 things and him picking on the 1 thing that you didn't do really resonated for me. My ex was like this,he wouldn't ever say how well I'd done only what I'd failed to do. I constantly felt like I was trying to be perfect and failing terribly and it was an awful feeling. I was walking on eggshells trying to make him happy but I simply never could. He was an abusive arsehole and looking back I can see how awful his treatment of me was and I'm astounded that I put up with it for so many years but when I was in the middle of it I thought I was a failure. It sounds to me like he is abusing you and using your phone dyslexia as a stick to beat you with. Think about leaving him.

@AllOutOfNaiceHam I’ve often suspected that I do. Something is wrong with me. I’m so unhappy. So scared of his outbursts, so unable to change. But I’m not a bad person.
My intentions are good. I’m loyal, liked by my friends.... I just don’t know what’s up and what’s down. I can’t see a way out. I can’t change myself

I’m terrified of leaving. I know it sounds pathetic. I think about it often, after a verbal attack or humiliation. But Zi don’t have any confidence. I’m scared of the world. I’m scared my kids will resent me. I feel paralysed