So depressed with relationship. Can’t tell if it’s me.

[Canttellifimright1]

Always had argumentative relationship with DH. Kids 14 and 11.
I feel constantly attacked , belittled and talked down to. From his perspective, I’m disorganised, not on top of things and dont have my shit together. I’m dyslexic. It does impact on my ability to hold information and organise myself.

Example 1 we are on holiday, have sex. He leaves the room and on his return an hour later, bursts in. Flailing, gesticulating about an open food container, open moisturiser, towel on the floor. SUPPER agressive. I stayed home the following day as I couldn’t face activities and acting like I felt ok.

Example 2. In the car with friends on the way to dinner. He asked me to fw him a photo, for our daughter. I sent by text rather that wasap. He flips, why did I send by text, it’s not come through. He went on and on. That I didn’t hold door open for himAll really inappropriate infront of friends , who asked that “we stop”
Journey there so awkward. At table he tried to make small talk with me. i was so upset, couldn't react naturally, He burst out again.
I picked up coat and left. Sat in hotel alone.
I don’t know how to change myself.

It's not you , it's him. People are human, they make mistakes. But nice people - decent people - don't shout and bully and belittle people for doing it.

It's telling how he saved the shouting and hollering until after you'd had sex. He got what he wanted.

He won't change. Find a good solicitor and file for divorce.

BaloFan. I have tried to explain to him that being verbally attacked after sex is particularly awful. But it ALWAYS happens. And he always has a valid reason. It makes me feel hollow and numb

He knows he can speak to you like this and you not fight your corner ... it doesn’t matter if you ‘didnt do something’ that you ‘was meant to’ tell him to fucking do one and If he wants it done that bad tell him do it himself but let me guess you get the ‘I been to work all day’ its bullshit! My Dp said this to me once I listed all the stuff I do on a daily basis from the moment I get up to taking kids to school etc through the day and then at the end said ‘you tell me you could do all that because you can’t handle 2 things on your day off’ and since that day nothing don’t get me wrong he may have a winge about something or other and every couple has their squabbles but do not be belittled like that and especially in front of people how can your friends actually sit there and just leave you at a hotel sorry that’s wrong. Remember you are a QUEEN! And don’t deserve that type of treatment,stop trying to justify his behaviour!
Sending lots of love xx

It's not you. It's him. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and a couple need to work together to help each other. Not use every minor oversight or mistake as an excuse to bully and belittle the other person.

I frequently forget to post items and leave the washing in the rain. I don't think it's particularly unusual and no real harm comes from these small oversights.

Whereas yelling at and belittling your partner is harmful and abusive.

I think you need to start building yourself back up. Let his tirades wash over you, tell yourself that you are a nice and valuable person whatever he says. Do you work?

Op he is abusing you.

You have really only 2 choices, stay or go.

Do you want the rest of your life feeling like this?

Please seek counselling to help you build up your self esteem so that you can leave him.

Your dc are witnessing you being abused.

They will think that is normal and will internalise what they are seeing.

It is him. He is abusive. He has trapped you in a cycle: you get something 'wrong' (as everyone does), he berates you, you apologise and promise to try harder (validating him) and then he finds something else to have a go at you for. He keeps you down, because then you won't have the confidence to leave. His text tonight gives you a way back in without him apologising. In your shoes, I'd tell him to go fuck himself and kick him out. You deserve better and so do your kids.

I’m really grateful for all your input. I’m in tears. I can’t fucking be any better. It’s really useful to hear your perspectives on this

Whatsername177 The thing is that I do agrue back. I see red. I get sk angry at being mistreated. I shout, I tell him, I really really have tried to make him understand. I pull away, retreat and take myself away, such as not joining in the activities, leaving the dinner table. I don’t know what else to do.

Op you’ve come off your thread name.

I’ve read your updates and I’d actually tell him to get lost. You shouldn’t feel shit in a relationship

He also films me / records me when I get upset.
He just came in. I am in a state. Told him I want a divorce. He’s all calm and like ... of ourse you can have a divorce. Calm down. You are in a state and will fuck the kids up. Shall I record you?

It’s all him. It’s not you at all. He sounds horrifically abusive.

Winding you up to the point of distress and then suggesting he film you is awful. What a bastard!

He is much cleverer than me. His calmness in the face of my upset is so cruel and controlled. I know he’ll fuck me over in a divorce. I’m terrified.
Wierdly, also terrified of him moving on with someone else, better than me. Who does not wind him up.

He is gas lighting you. Read up on it and you will suddenly have an epiphany. Calm down, ignore everything says. Just stay as calm as you can and ignore his provocation. Remember, every time he speaks he is trying to provoke you. If you can, call a cab and go home. Then, kick him out.

This is what he doing, op:
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting%3famp

Once you understand how gas lighting works, you will realise he isnt cleverer than you. He is just manipulative. Just try ignoring him, he will trip over hi.self to get you to react. If you stay calm, he will try to provoke you. He wont cope well with you not reacting and that might be all you need to show yourself that it is him and not you.

He records your distress, god is one sick man. Speak to womens aid.

I asked him to sleep in the other room. Ie, move our son in with me. He got teally patronising. Saying... Don’t fuck the kids up. You are really messing the kids up. Don’t make them pay for this.
As if I’d be able to share a bed with him?
He refused to go in kids room and got into bed.

So I’ve gone into kids room.

The bloody going on about letting a door go. Does he also get cross if you don't hear him? Urgh reminds me of my exh. Run

He sounds like an arse maybe you should record him shouting at you for making mistakes that are mainly related to your dyslexia.

This has made me feel a bit shivery as exactly what ex used to do.

I posted here, got told about gas lighting. Realized, no not clever, just manipulative and narcissistic.

Started to stop reacting. Realised whatever I did he would have a go at me and destabilise my sense of self.

I left. PM me if you want any help at all

I just want him to stop. I don’t want my marriage, my family to break up. I wish he could see that nothing I’ve done is mean, manipulative or with ill feeling, that I don't deserve this treatment.

The threatening to record you is just awful, as is the yelling at you after sex.

You have no confidence because he has sapped it. This isn't your fault.

You have to leave him, you can't make a marriage like this work. It's hard enough to make a good marriage work over the long term, you can have a happy whole life without him.

I'm sure you'll get lots of good advice on the practicalities here .

I don’t want him to steal another day from me. I’m also on holiday, and want to enjoy precious time with my children. He’s already had me miss out so much, through yelling at me, then me retreating. I want to join in today, regardless of what is going on. Activities will require us to travel as a group, but will be able to splinter off once there.
I just feel so low. If he loved me he couldn’t treat me like this. He says he loves me, but can’t stand the way I am. I honestly feel heartbroken.

You could be the most perfect woman in the world and he would still find fault. People who love you don't threaten to film you when you are upset. Of course you feel heartbroken, this is the man you married and had children with and expected to have a life with but his actions are making you miserable. Blaming your dyslexia is shocking, he should be supporting you. My DH has had sciatica for a while now. It's really inconvenient. It stops him being in the car for a long time, means he struggles to sit comfortably and sometimes jumps up shouting in pain no matter where we are. I don't berate him for it and if it never goes, I will never berate him for it because he can't help it and neither can you.

The dyslexia is a red herring, it's making you focus inwards and blame yourself but the blame lies elsewhere.

I can’t help but blame myself. It makes me feel really dark thoughts. I feel so desperate.