So depressed with relationship. Can’t tell if it’s me.

[Canttellifimright1]

Always had argumentative relationship with DH. Kids 14 and 11.
I feel constantly attacked , belittled and talked down to. From his perspective, I’m disorganised, not on top of things and dont have my shit together. I’m dyslexic. It does impact on my ability to hold information and organise myself.

Example 1 we are on holiday, have sex. He leaves the room and on his return an hour later, bursts in. Flailing, gesticulating about an open food container, open moisturiser, towel on the floor. SUPPER agressive. I stayed home the following day as I couldn’t face activities and acting like I felt ok.

Example 2. In the car with friends on the way to dinner. He asked me to fw him a photo, for our daughter. I sent by text rather that wasap. He flips, why did I send by text, it’s not come through. He went on and on. That I didn’t hold door open for himAll really inappropriate infront of friends , who asked that “we stop”
Journey there so awkward. At table he tried to make small talk with me. i was so upset, couldn't react naturally, He burst out again.
I picked up coat and left. Sat in hotel alone.
I don’t know how to change myself.

You sound as bad as each other. There's kids involved in this. Just leave him FFS.

@omgitcantbetrue

OK so you are exasperating and messy
Far worse is that he is abusive shit .

He is preying on both your vulnerabilities and what might also just sometimes be genuine mistakes, character foibles or idiosyncrasies to make you fearful and miserable.

You should be seeing red.
You should definitely leave the fucker. His behaviour is utterly disgusting and utterly abusive.

I feel angry for you.

He also films me / records me when I get upset.

This is beyond messed up. This man is provoking you at the slightest opportunity, then mocking you for being upset. He actually sounds like he has some serious psychological issues, but he's trying to turn it around on you, and make you feel like the crazy one.

I'd ask him to leave. If he says you can have a divorce, that's incredibly gracious of him, but saying isn't the same as doing. He needs to pack a bag and fuck off.

@omgitcantbetrue

Have just seen he records you - sorry I think you need to get out or get him out.

For another perspective my husband is disorganised, messy and forgetful. Sometimes it drives me crazy and I'd be lying if I said I'd never lost my temper over it.

However I don't belittle him or abuse him, or bring it up everyday because he's my partner and it wouldn't be kind or right to treat him like that.

I don't think your actions justify your husbands behaviour and he sounds horrible and uncaring.

@omgitcantbetrue

You Ok, OMG? Still with us?

I’m still here. Thanks so much for all your help. We drove home together. He shouted the whole journey. Listing my faults, of which there are many. I’ve also called my mother. She will support me no matter what.
I don’t know what else to say. He has so much contempt for me. He’s so angry. He does not believe my mental health is suffering. Only that I’m lazy and do not like rules. I don’t know what else to say. I know my faults. He does not agree that he’s on my case, that he belittles me daily. I can’t persuade him. He can’t see my point of view.

He thinks if I just did what was right, he wouldn’t have to have a go

He is not in charge though, is he? You are two functioning adults.

I am dealing with something that has some similarities but not to anywhere the same degree of commitment. I've realised that with difficult people there is a difference between recognising their unreasonableness and working around that to make life easier for you to being intimidated by them so much that you are frightened of doing the wrong thing. Somewhere, the line gets crossed and you find you are reacting to their anger rather than your own decisions.

Ive read your updates and no longer think he's frustrated. Now I think hes abusive. Im sure when you leave him your mh will improve.

I agree with @redexpat

I think he is causing your indecision and nervousness

You don't like rules.

This isn't school - or work - or a prison. It's your marriage.

Who the fuck does he think he is to talk about rules.

Leave as soon as you can. He's an arsehole who won't ever change.

He said during the argument that one of the reasons he fell for me was that I’m a bit “punk” but that somewhere along the line he realised that he’d become the authority that I rebel against. What the fuck does that even mean??
Also, that if I’m fair for what I ask for ( in a divorce) he will give it to me, but if I take the piss he’ll fuck me. I’m terrified. I’m so naive. I know nothing about our finances. I wouldn’t know where to start. I’m so oblivious to so much.

Go home to your mum and get her to help you in the divorce. You don't need to start divorcing right away either get some good advice first.

He sounds awful and abusive @omgitcantbetrue. I wonder if you aren't actually especially messy/disorganised at all but he is just using this as a stick to beat you with (maybe because he knows about your dyslexia he decided to use that)? None of the things you've mentioned doing sound terrible! He sets up arbitrary "rules" that are impossible to adhere to and then uses them as an excuse to critisize and shout at you. No wonder you feel depressed and anxious!

I'm fairly disorganised and a bit messy but I get stuff done when it needs to be for the most part. It's not up to your DP to make rules for you to follow especially when you're doing 90% of childcare as well.

I don’t always answer emails he sends me.

No idea how old you are but seriously? If you were suddenly to develop a serious health issue would he care for and support you? I don’t think so. In sickness and in health he promised when he married you. Things will not get better no matter what you do so time to get out. Your life is being wasted with this man and without him you could be so much happier. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with him making you feel so unhappy and useless? What happens when the dc move out and live their own lives? Just you and him at home alone as the dc will be reluctant to spend time in such a hostile environment. Get out now while you have time to build a happier life. It won’t be easy but you have your parents’ support and your current situation sounds miserable. Rebuild your confidence without being constantly put down. You sound a lovely person but your DH is destroying you. You deserve so much more.

He’s FURIOUS that I’ve not sought help for my dyslexia. He wants me to do a course?!?

My heart actually hurts. I’m a loving person.
This morning, in frustration I pushed him. I know it’s not right. He’s using it so much now. Saying that I physically abuse him. That I’m the abusive one. I’m Not. I’m reacting to constant daily put downs

OP it doesn't matter what he thinks. You want out, focus on getting out. Don't focus on his opinion, he has serious issues if he thinks treating a partner this way is right.

Get good legal advice from a decent solicitor. They will tell you what's fair to ask for not him.

Plus there's absolutely no way he's better at everything than you. You just can't see that at the moment.

As others have said, there is no easy way out. No magic bullet. You just have to make your way to the exit one step at a time.

Mate, take your kids and go to your parents with them NOW.

My mother lives 3 hours away. Eldest will br doing GCSE soon. I can’t move house/ area now. He works abroad quite a bit, so in theory, when he’s in the country I could stay with my mum, leaving him with kids for a few days, then swap back when he leaves? I don't know. Of he would only be more gentle with me, I could forgive it all. He just can’t. It’s gone too far and he’s lost all respect for me.

Op move this to relationships. You will receive support from those who have been there

Deadposhtory. Thanks. I just sent them an email

That's good - that board should be able to help with advice from experience. It's definitely not you who is in the wrong - it's him