So depressed with relationship. Can’t tell if it’s me.

[Canttellifimright1]

Always had argumentative relationship with DH. Kids 14 and 11.
I feel constantly attacked , belittled and talked down to. From his perspective, I’m disorganised, not on top of things and dont have my shit together. I’m dyslexic. It does impact on my ability to hold information and organise myself.

Example 1 we are on holiday, have sex. He leaves the room and on his return an hour later, bursts in. Flailing, gesticulating about an open food container, open moisturiser, towel on the floor. SUPPER agressive. I stayed home the following day as I couldn’t face activities and acting like I felt ok.

Example 2. In the car with friends on the way to dinner. He asked me to fw him a photo, for our daughter. I sent by text rather that wasap. He flips, why did I send by text, it’s not come through. He went on and on. That I didn’t hold door open for himAll really inappropriate infront of friends , who asked that “we stop”
Journey there so awkward. At table he tried to make small talk with me. i was so upset, couldn't react naturally, He burst out again.
I picked up coat and left. Sat in hotel alone.
I don’t know how to change myself.

Sweetie, you sound lovely - I can't imagine why any normal person would have a problem with you. He on the other hand is abusing you. He would act this way to anyone because this is who he is. Your kids will benefit if you leave him because they will have a happier mum, and won't be seeing this sort of relationship dynamic as normal. Call women's aid and talk to them about how to leave safely. Hugs

Thats because you've had years of someone telling you it's your fault. If one of your children had something like dyslexia you wouldn't make them feel awful or tell them you hate the way they are. You'd help them flourish.

There is light at the end of this tunnel, there really is. My mum was in an abusive relationship. She finally left when he broke her jaw. She didn't leave through the psychological torture because it's harder to pinpoint it.

Someone on mumsnet will be able to come along soon and give much better advice that I. I think all you can do is be as unreactive as possible through the rest of the holiday and then get yourself together and leave once you are back.

You've come to rely on your H because he wants things done fast, to a high standard and in a way that suits him, however you could manage in life if you had lower standards and accepted a few mess ups and focused on doing things in ways that suit you. You may do things more slowly and be less organised, your house may be a bit less neat and you may not send out many photos to the family. Guess what, you won't have anyone there to tell you off and put you down all the time when you do these things badly. You will just have to tidy when you get round to it and that's fine. You will muddle through and find ways that work for you. So don't think you need him to manage in life, you would do better without him.

I told him this morning that I had a boyfriend. I don’t, and never would. I just need this to end and don’t know how to to about it. My mind is swirling. I’m in a mess. He’s not spoken to me all day. I approached him and told him about the very dark thoughts I’m having. My life feels pointless. He walked away, saying he’s so so angry with me. That I’m not just disorganised, but I don’t give s shit.

You may not be perfect. That's ok, nobody is. You are allowed to not be perfect.

But the way he is treating you is awful and he's ruining your mental health. He is certainly far from perfect.

Can you talk to any of the friends you are with?
Phone someone if you need to but please get some support for yourself.

If I do anything stupid, he’ll use it against me.

Don't talk to him about this. Call women's aid and get advice. Hugs

I still feel that he’s right, and that if I were more functional, that he’d treat me with more respect.

He is not right!! No one kind treats their partner like that. I am a messy bastard with the housekeeping skills of a rodent. My DH never ever slates me for that. Occasionally he forgets to turn the hob off. I don't slate him for that.

From your OP "open food container, open moisturiser, towel on the floor" - bog standard in my house on a daily basis, doesn't ever register on the mess-scale. I can't conceive of anyone normal losing their shit over something so trivial

Take your dc and leave OP.

typo - even register

Why on earth would you tell him that you're having an affair?

Even somebody who isn't permanently angry with you would be doing well just to not speak when they've been told that.

I know. It doesn’t make sense from the outside. I said it so that he would react by leaving me. I don’t know how to leave... I’m feeling really weak and alone.

Phone women's aid.

May take a while to get through but keep trying.

They'll help you

@omg

I think you are so conscious of what you see as your own shortcomings that somehow this has given him a ledge to criticise you and persuade both himself and you that it is rooted in your fault.

I know that you have probably tried lots of things in the past but when I encountered similar at work with someone in my team, I made lots of lists and checklists for my benefit to monitor whether I was being consistent or not. What I found was that there was a missing strain of communication at play which I was overcompensating for when it wasn’t my responsibility. By taking it on, I wasn’t doing my own stuff with the level of clarity that the others could see so to them I think it came across as though I was doing things sufficiently? (Although there was an element of bullying on their part, which I didn’t nip in the bud quickly enough).

I only mention this as it sounds as though you are now responding in anticipation of a criticism rather than setting your own goals and agendas.

Why don’t you talk through a list of things you have to do each day/week and we can help you organise things - or rather think things through so you feel in control.

I also think the freedom programme sounds good and that what is underpinning all of this is a lack of confidence in your own abilities to control your life which unfortunately some people zone in on to make themselves feel superior.

You sound competent, intelligent and with great insight. You don’t need to apologise for your dyslexia. Your post was very clear and you have articulated so well the situation you are in that I immediately recognised it xxxxx

@Fannia makes a great point

You said: ‘I still feel that he’s right, and that if I were more functional, that he’d treat me with more respect.‘

You are assuming that the person you are dealing with is reasonable. I don’t think he sounds as though he is.

You have taken this in because you believe it’s your fault due to your perceived flaws.

No one is perfect and crucially, no one has to be perfect.

Be kind to yourself first. Xx

So do you want him to leave or not?

You've told him you've betrayed him by fucking somebody else and that you want a divorce. For most people, the hurt caused by hearing those words can never be taken back. But then you wanted him to be nice and listen to your feelings afterwards?

Even without a relationship falling apart, that's never going to have any effect but add an extra layer on to his anger.

How much do you honestly think is beyond you because you're dyslexic and how much is learned helplessness, waiting for somebody else to deal with everything? You're even trying to force him to deal with the breakdown of your relationship and decide to leave, rather than taking steps yourself. For everybody's sanity, it sounds like the best thing to do would be to separate - and for you to get whatever help it is that you need to be able to function as a single parent and organise yourself.

MitziK I think you are right. I do want him to deal with this. I feel helpless. Like I can’t. I’d regret it, because ultimately he IS better than me at everything.

If he’s so unhappy with my performance in every area, that he’s full of anger every day, then yeah. I do want him to deal with this. I’m weak. My mental health is falling apart. I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know that I’m a decent person. If he sees me as so useless then I want him to leave

My crimes are not so huge, to merit the rage he feels towards me. Yes. I need to improve organisation. I KNOW this. But feel paralysed and depressed.

@omg I think there is a big difference between problems that seem huge and insurmountable to problems that actually are.

Why don’t you tell us some problems and we can help?

For example: I always struggle to put clothes together in the morning that look the way I want. The result was that although I put a huge amount of emotional energy in to doing this, it didn’t look as though I did which would bother me.

I put all my clothes out and made up outfits that I liked and hung those items together so I only have to take the hanger in the morning and I’m ready to go. Where I couldn’t make up complete outfits, I bought some affordable tops that I could work with.

Finding that I actually didn’t have as many clothes that I could make outfits with made a big difference - it was only in laying it all out that I could see this.

My point is that you may be trying to do the impossible/too much/ something unachievable without realising it.

Also, I don’t mean to trivialise your circumstances by talking about wardrobe malfunctions - I just used that to illustrate a way to feel more in control of your immediate environment.

However the underlying thing that comes across is that you are crushed and beaten down by the criticism from your partner, and may I say it, by yourself. Do you recognise what you can do? That should be a starting point not what you can’t do.

And yes, this is advice I don’t always take myself xxxx

I think maybe we just have really very different standards.
He gets livid if I leave my wardrobe door open, can start proper arguments over it.
He is much tidier than me.
Nothing is done to his standard.
Eg, he got back from travelling on fri night. We were leaving for holiday early sat morning. He was so angry that there was “ no food in the house” there was?
Bread, fish, eggs, milk, pasta, chips, some fruit. I hadn’t done a big shop as we were going away. The way he spoke to me was like I had utterly failed. In my head, we’d been using up the food before the holiday.

He isn't going to do it for you.

He doesn't want to do it for you.

There is no Knight in Shining Armour that is going to come along and rescue you from this environment, to take over all the things you find difficult.

The only person who can get you out of this environment - and your poor bloody children, too - is you. That involves getting help, but ultimately, it's your responsibility, whether you have dyslexia, ADD, ADHD, depression, depersonalisation, or any of a hundred thousand other diagnoses.

It's your responsibility. Nobody else's. And there is help out there - but no rescue party.

You sound absolutely exhausting, he sounds like he's waiting for you to slip up.
Dropping a door in his face? Ask him if he needs his eyes testing next time he blames you for face planting a door.
You don't know how to make it stop? Do no respond to any points he makes if it comes with a raised voice or tantrum. Turn apologies into thank you and ask him what he is going to do about it next time.
You're playing the child/parent from some of the arguments you describe.
If he argues in front of friends, change the subject and talk to your friends about something new.
When you're together and without the audience you can then say "would you like to discuss what happened today?" And if it's a no, just say okay and go do something.
You may be disorganised but you have never not been if it's dyslexia. Stress antagonises it and he knows you well enough to attempt this it seems.