To ask were you smacked by your parents as a child, and do you forgive them now?

[blubberball]

I was smacked by my parents as a child. Sometimes they would completely lose their shit and smack me over and over, whilst shouting at me. Each syllable would be a smack. I remember wanting my dm to stop talking, so that she would stop hitting me. I remember being in the street and my dm taking a swing at my arse, and I managed to move to dodge it.

I guess it stopped at the "appropriate" age. 10 or something.

I have never smacked my dc, and would use time outs to discipline them. My parents moved with the times and followed my lead. I forgive them, and they are very loving and supportive now. It's strange to think that happened now.

@Enchiladas it's illegal to smack your children where I live.

I think one of the reasons that smacking is no longer acceptable is because parents were beating their children under the guise of smacking. I was beaten but my parents will say we were smacked which was normal at the time. Too many parents were doing that which is why it is banned in countries imo.

I’ve never understood why my parents thought it acceptable to smack us, and I’ve told them so and they do admit that when they look back they are shocked that they could have thought it was acceptable. My mum admits that she often did it out of temper or because we had embarrassed her in front of someone. I remember one time she smacked me out of embarrassment at something I’d said in front of someone, she called me cheeky but I honestly had no idea why what i’d Said was cheeky. She never explained the reason behind any of her actions. Eg If I asked her “why do I need to do X, Y or Z?” it wasn’t cheek or being defiant, it was a genuine question, I was an intelligent kid. Her favourite reply was “that’s why!!!!” What kind of fucking answer is that?!?

They used to like us in bed at 7.30 even when we were aged 9 or 10. We didn’t need to get up early or anything, I think they just liked their evenings to themselves. Consequently we weren’t tired so my sister and I used to talk and giggle for a long time in bed, and look out the bedroom window onto the street where our friends were still playing out. If we were too loud my dad used to come us and smack us. I mean, WTF?!? That seems abusive now!

We actually have a good relationship with them but we were never emotionally close growing up. There was minimal discussion over feelings, dreams and hopes for the future. They didn’t encourage us to eat with them either even as teens, so my mum gave us our tea at 5pm ish and then she would eat separately with my dad at around 6.45. I don’t understand this, with my own teens, all our best family conversations take place around the dinner table.

We were really good kids and that’s what hurts the most, we just didn’t NEED smacking. I would never go to them with an emotional problem so we are not close that way, I do feel like my mum just doesn’t “get me”, but I do enjoy seeing them regularly and they are brilliant with the grandchildren (completely different)

So yes, while I do forgive them because they do say they were wrong to smack, and have seen my kids grow up to be lovely well-behaved kids without any smacking whatsoever, I do still wonder why they didn’t think a bit harder at the time about why they did things. It was all very reactive.

@Enchiladas

Same here

@ohnooutofdateham this is something I hate, governments parenting our children. They have no right to interfere in families the way they do. It's a recipe for disaster.

They used to like us in bed at 7.30 even when we were aged 9 or 10. We didn’t need to get up early or anything, I think they just liked their evenings to themselves. Consequently we weren’t tired so my sister and I used to talk and giggle for a long time in bed, and look out the bedroom window onto the street where our friends were still playing out.

Same here.

I was smacked a few times as a child, not very often and definitely not in anger the way you describe, OP. I can honestly say that I've barely thought about it. But I'd never smack my own child. I think that theories about child-raising have come on a long way in the last 30-40 years.

A smack is fine however what you seem to be describing, your mum losing her shit and being unable to control herself, taking her anger out on you, isn't discipline, it's abuse. I went through the same thing; any perceived slight and my mum would lose it, yanking me by the hair, smacking my legs and bum over and over with such rage. I don't forgive her for that. However I did get a smacked bum from aunties and gran from time to time when I was naughty and looking back, I simply see that as proportionate discipline and have no problem with it.

There’s a difference between being smacked once every now and again when you were being naughty to being systematically abused.

I was abused by my step-dad. He used to hit me again and again until I felt like I couldn’t breathe. He dragged me along concrete a couple of times too and used to yank me up by my arms like a rag doll. My backside used to sting for hours and was bright red. He also used to shout and scream directly in my face. This was always over rather petty indiscretions such as me not going to sleep when asked or me not wanting to finish my dinner...

I haven’t forgiven him for that and I haven’t forgiven my Mother for allowing it either.

Yes. My parents smacked a lot, and they sometimes lost control and crossed the line as you described.

But I don't know anybody who was parented differently then. It was normal. They were parents of their time. Nothing much to forgive.

Yes, smacked is an understatement in my case. My mother was violent towards us and we lived in fear of her moods. She has never acknowledged or admitted how wrong it was. I remember at a family gathering when I was 9/10 years old, my uncle walking in on my mum whacking me on the back and him having a go at her. On a family holiday I had to share a bed with her and as I'd apparently been 'cheeky' in the day she pinched me. When I cried out about it she smashed my face up against the wall. I had dried up blood all over my face in the morning and she tried to cover it up to other family members.

These are one of the many reasons I don't have a great relationship with my mother now.

Lowry "Actually, this thread is making me feel a bit sick just reading it. Takes my right back to how I felt as a kid. So I'm off!!."

Yes, I'm now getting the same feeling as a pp further up thread about this one.

Research evidence is pretty clear on the effect hitting /smacking has on children and their later life experience and outcomes. If you care \ you're interested, look it up.

I was smacked occasionally by my parents. Then I was beaten by a stepfather. There was a massive difference.

Yes, i was smacked twice, both times i had been warned and warned. Mt Father was right to smack me. I have turned out to be a perfectly reasonable adult. I didnt turn into a mass murderer. I dont need to forgive my parents, in fact i am full of admiration and respect for them.

I was smacked with wooden spoons, hairbrushes and fish pan slices as well as bare handed slaps. I hate that my parents did that and I can't completely forgive. It was a horrible childhood and I still struggle with it now. I'm in my 40's now and we have a good relationship but it still upsets me if I think about it too much.

I had the occasional bum smack, I don’t feel like I have to forgive them it really doesn’t bother me.

Yours, op, I feel is very different. I mean that’s someone losing their shit really isn’t it? At a small child?

It has left me with a complete deference to authority and a total inability to challenge rules. I think it was overkill tbh- I'm not a defiant personality and was never likely to go off the rails. DH was never smacked and is far more confident in his own judgement than I am in mine.

I agree with this - it just taught me to stay below the radar.

Those of you who were smacked - were you hit into your teen years?

Yes I was and agree with other PP that there's nothing to forgive. My parents parented the way they thought was best. Current knowlege around smacking and alternative ways of discipline didn't exist, nor did the internet to ask others outside your social circle for advice.

I don't smack my children and never will. I know there are much more effective ways of handling situations, I can now see how flawed their judgement was but I don't blame them for it. Until I had my own children, I was under the impression my upbringing was the best way of discipline too. They also know my stance on it and wouldn't dream of raising a finger to my children

@Enchiladas you’re absolutely right! Damn the pesky government stopping child abuse, spousal rape, coercive control. People should just be allowed to get on with it right?!

Yes I do forgive my mum - she actually apologised years later and I believe she was really sorry. At the time she didn’t know there was any other way to parent, but it was the cause of a complete breakdown in our relationship throughout my teens: once I was big enough to hit back and hold my own it soon went downhill.

I had a few smacked bottoms, really doesn’t affect me at all, I have a wonderful relationship with my parents.

The smacking I don’t really remember, other than trying to move my butt out of the way quickly. However the belting till my back bled and a swift kick in the stomach so hard I peed myself has never been forgiven.

Those who smack...

Your friend or work colleague does something that you would smack a child for...

Do you think it would be acceptable to smack them? I just don’t understand on what grounds it is ok to smack a child or anyone for that matter?