What does life look life from your age perspective?

[PrincessLouis]

Inspired by the thread about whether a wife with a high earning husband should give up work, in which a lot of 50s MNers were saying at their age all the high earning husbands have left the SAHM wives and married high earning women... I’m wondering what life looks like from your age perspective?

I’m ‘around’ 40 (ahem ), two professional jobs type life, my observations are:

1. Almost everyone gets married, so when you’re in your 20s/30s thinking it will never happen, it probably will. Haven’t seen much infertility but maybe that’s still to come given age. Most marriages seem healthy and strong
2. Seen two affairs, both ended marriages with kids
3. Mental health is a massive thing in lots of people’s lives - I think there is a lot of responsibility when you have young kids, need to earn etc and that’s often how the stress comes out, hoping this will get better as kids get older etc. Also know a few people our age with serious physical health problems
4. Interestingly with all the Caroline Flack stuff in the papers (not saying she did anything) we have known two cases of wife on husband DV, no husband on wife cases
5. Re my parents and their circle, health got quite wobbly for a few people around 60 so good to have financial options

oh, and staying together for the sake of the children rarely works.

Late 20s

Jobs; nobody cares about careers - everyone lives for the weekend. Also, there's a massive massive massive divide of wealth where I live, (in the north) which is often ignored

Generally, if you get married/have kids before 25, you're considered a bit stupid or idealistic

Other friends in mid 20s - none of them are married. None have a fiance. Only a couple are in a long term relationship.

Lots of friends live together in shared rented houses.

I'm in my late 40s. Happily married for 17 years with dc. Almost everyone in dh's and my extended friends and family circle are apparently happily married with dc. Two of dh's university friends have been through divorces and are on second marriages. Apart from that I have never known of any affairs or dv among any of our friends, family or acquaintances. I'm not aware of any mental health problems either, but I don't have very close female friends I see regularly, so maybe I wouldn't know.

Job-wise in most of the couples we know, the husband has the senior job and the wife either still works part time since having dc, or her career took a hit through having dc so she still has a lower paid or lower status job than her dh. This is also the case with me and dh.

Last musing from me, interesting thread. It is frustrating to be at the stage in life where we need to pay out the most whilst we earn 'the least'. In even 10 years when we are done with nursery fees and mortgage is significantly less and debt is gone (no guarentee but we have got rid of most of it, approx £3k left so see that going this year) our income will also be higher as 10 years further into job experience etc.

It is annoying to think we will earn more when we need it less iyswim...

FilthyforFirth I think that’s just how life is. I remember when I was about 30 and our mortgage was 55% of take home pay thinking this can’t be right.

Early 40s here...

In DH's circle, almost all his friends got married and had kids within a few years of each other. My circle is much more varied. I know people with teenagers, people with tiny babies, several couples who have decided children are not for them and have several long term single friends, one or two after a divorce and are now single mums.

From my perspective it seems late 30s / early 40s is when the real life stress seems to kick in - people dying unexpectedly or experiencing life changing illness or injury, mental health problems, infertility, aging parents. People just have so much more to cope with than they did in their 20s.

As for me, DH is one of those with a life changing injury, and we've had two miscarriages, so we have 6yo DD but will have no more (which I am sad about). I'm the sole earner and hitting my career peak, starting to think about what my 50s look like and planning for the family's future. I'm worried about my fitness, but not my health (yet), but my parents are starting to experience significant aging.

I feel like I still have a lot I want to do, but definitely a sense that life isn't just this great expanse of opportunity stretching out before me. Now is the time to get on with things.

It totally depends where you live!

I am 30 in an affluent part of London. I have a one-year-old baby this is definitely not common at all, everybody at baby groups I go to are 38, 39 or 40.

At work people my age are still very much about the going out lifestyle loads of travel there is no judgement on this because I used to be like this too but it's a very self-centred selfish way of living With no family obligations. Very much focus on career. In my industry most people I work with are on between £50,000 a year and £65,000 a year. I actually hardly know anyone who is married it really seems uncommon.

Again I don't know many people who own a house in London

Yes @Lippy1234 I totally accept this isn'y unique to me. Frustrating how much housing costs take up of your take home isn't it?!

I guess this is the perspective I'm at right now. Even in the next few years my student loan will be paid off, DH has just paid off his. So many thing's I'd like to do now but lack the funds. I hope I still want to do them once I have less financial stress.

Though the biggest stress for me right now is potential secondary infertility. That is going to be tough. Will feel unable to talk to my friends who are struggling to have any at all, and will struggle to connect with those who have more than one. But that's life I guess.

This thread is fascinating.

These are my observations. I’m in my 40s in the SE.

Most of my friends are married with young kids. Most people have experienced fertility issues but keep quiet about it.

Everyone is tired. No affairs that I know of. Most marriages seem up and down.

I definitely think mental health is affecting more and more people from friends, family to work colleagues and all for different reasons.

Getting that elusive work-life balance still seems very difficult. Most of my mum friends are looking for a new job right now due to various frustrations.

People have lost one or both parents which definitely affects how others connect with you and friendships come and go, often without reason.

But on the plus side I feel like I know myself better now than ever before, and i give less of a £&@# about what other people think of me. I have also realised I prefer only a handful of true friends over a dozen of casual acquaintances.

However I wish I was a little more connected with those who live around me. I don’t know my neighbours very well and I remember as a child growing up and knowing most people who lived down my road and popping in each others houses.

Mid-50s.

Lots of retired friends/former colleagues who are a bit older than me.

I have five childless friends the same age as me.

A few single parent friends although most are attached.

In one group of friends, we all divorced or separated around the same time about ten years ago. Most have new partners and one married again.

Friends in their 60s are starting to have health problems.

Don’t know any sahms and never have. All my friends and colleagues returned to work after having children.

The parents of my peer group are all elderly now and needing lots of help and support.

Also I meant to say an observation from my industry I would say women progress faster at work than men in their 20s then as you start to hit late 30s the number of women in the workplace decreases which probably correlates with them having children and there are hardly any women in senior management positions. The option to go back part time does not exist in my industry.

Of all the women in my 30s who I work with I can't see any of them having children until at least their late 30s.My sister is a couple years older and there have been lots of fertility issues in her group of friends

Late 30s

Most (but not all) of my friends have degrees. DH and I are amongst the few who haven’t. In the circles we mix in there is a mixture of jobs; dentists, a CEO, nurses, teachers, accountants, a psychologist, a nutritionist, admin workers, shop workers.

Many own their own house (most still paying mortgage). Most (but not all) have small children, although a few don’t, and a few have older kids.

Many (but not all) are married. What I have noticed in the last few years is more men leaving their wives / partners, and a lot of the issue is the men seem to be struggling with all the work involved in bringing up small children, so they leave.

Quite a few have MH issues, and a few have severe health issues (needing donor organs).

What an interesting thread, I am 37 been married to DH (46) for 19 years.
We don't really have any friends left all those we had 20 years ago got married and divorced we tried not to take sides and somehow ended up losing everyone.
That said, we are very lucky, we own our own home, 2 cars, 2 uk holidays a year. I work as a teaching assistant, so term time only 28 hrs a week and have a lovely work/life balance. DH also has a term time only contract so lots of family time. We have one teenager and a pre-teen.
I have lots of siblings and cousins (aged between 38 and 29) all are married home owning parents although with much younger children than ours. The difference between us and hem is that I was lucky enough to have 8yrs as a SAHM and walk straight back into a TA job as I did before the kids, they have all had to return to work through necessity not choice.
My parents are still healthy and active in their 60s, sadly we lost FIL and MIL now in her 80s needs a lot more care.

Early 30s

I'm the only one of my friends to be either married or divorced, and will probably be the next to marry

Lots of LT relationships from uni (which trying not to project) are past their sell by date

2 had kids about 3 years ago and are struggling with both money and their partners

2 have really excelled in their careers (like on the telly), most are now doing fairly well

Lots of anxiety about if to have kids or not

At 40 it’s shocking to me how many mums have “little” jobs. I thought women went back to work after children nowadays. But in my circle are an ex architect who now stacks shelves at the supermarket at night, an ex teacher and an ex nursery nurse who both run various MLMs, another ex teacher who sells crafts on Etsy, and an ex nurse who does evening singing gigs. All previously hard working professionals who quit for the same reason - pay is too low and childcare is too high. Only the dentist and the accountant get paid enough to return to work.

I would say, from my late 40s perspective: keep investing in old and new friendships

When it comes to mental health, a few solid female solidarity based friendships are worth more than money. MN clearly fills a need here too

55 here. Married almost 30 years. Friends mostly still married, a few divorces (3 from affairs). Most of my friends also from uni, most with kids, most have decent (to very decent) jobs. Over the years have known a few SAHMs. Mental health a big issue. We've both lost our parent recently and the enormous strain has hit us hard and I can see it happening to others. Our sons have mental health issues too. Physical health - a bit poor. Me and my friends do could do with using a few stone. I also see my husbands friends (and DH) heavy and out of shape. One or 2 now diabetic, a few cancers (2 good friends have died from cancer, both were in early 50s. Both lovely people. A few have grandkids but not too many (our good friends ages from 50-60 mainly). We dont have GC yet but unofficial custody of a youngster (she's spending g less time with us now that her mum is doing better). Shes been both a blessing and a source of anxiety at times. We also drink a bit more than is ideal. So that is probably storing up future health problems.

Late 30's but most of my friends are early to mid 40's:

1. Not everyone meets someone and gets married. I have a couple of friends who haven't met anyone and are in their mid 40's. I'm not sure if they will.

1. Some people will choose not to have children, and some will have infertility issues.

1. Everyone that can has two children. Seems to be the way for everyone I know (even though I don't want two!)

1. Pretty much everyone has MH issues. Out of my female friends I don't know many that don't.

1. No affairs or divorces yet but some of us have only been married 3 years or so.

1. All the women who were reasonably high earners just want to find a way to pay the bills without being a higher earner for the sake of their mental health. Some have made changes, some are still sticking with it for the big house and nice holidays.

Literally starting again at 44, am about to sign up for a huge amount of mortgage that will crucify me for 22 years. Income will be ok for the next 10 years but after tyat I fear I’m fucked.
My kids don’t expect to inherit anything but I’m trying to ensure they do.
I don’t want to date because I’ve no interest in doing it all again with anyone.
I quite often feel like I’m getting child to 18 then it’s downhill from there for me

57

All my friends in first marriages but a couple staying only for the financial security or the children still dependent. Those in stressful careers looking for a way out. Those in relatively low paid jobs, much happier. Mix of teenagers and adult children.

Separated 4 years. Left my profession 3 years ago because I lost my enthusiasm and couldn’t take the stress. Have just been sacked from my ‘career change’ job because I couldn’t manage the workload. Now struggling financially to reach 60 when I can draw on workplace pension. Until then will have to live very frugally.

Early 30's and see much the same as hotcheesetoasty and also that actually many people I speak to are really stuck in their current position but would love to be able to change it. So most of us that I know are trying to get our children to a comfortable position because quite frankly it's either us or the children & I can't see things getting any better for them. Makes me sad that I had this chance & I've messed it up already. ☹️

Just turned 40

Everyone is married with young kids

No affairs, relationships seem strong

Women are all exhausted, I have no idea about the men

Most people have decent careers

I wonder when the cracks will show...

I'm in my 50s and these are mine..

1) Almost everyone gets married, so when you’re in your 20s/30s thinking it will never happen, it probably will. Haven’t seen much infertility but maybe that’s still to come given age.

I have three friends who are in their 50s who have never been marrid or were divorced a long time (20+ years) ago. Not much infertility in my group of friends though some have chosen to remain childless.

2) Seen two affairs, both ended marriages with kids

Couples I always thought were solid couples are getting divorced and i'm wondering if now that the children have left home there's nothing to keep them together?

3) Mental health is a massive thing in lots of people’s lives - I think there is a lot of responsibility when you have young kids, need to earn etc and that’s often how the stress comes out, hoping this will get better as kids get older etc. Also know a few people our age with serious physical health problems.

It's a massive thing and i know a number of teens who are having counselling including my own DD. I always thought it would be the sleepless baby days that would break me but now i'm convinced it will be the sheer 24hr exhaustion of my daughter's depression.

Sadly DH lost a school friend last year and another dad friend has just died suddenly. Both fit men in their mid fifties

4) Interestingly with all the Caroline Flack stuff in the papers (not saying she did anything) we have known two cases of wife on husband DV, no husband on wife cases

I've only known male on female - a friend of my dad's though the wife finally managed to get out of the marriage after 15 years of hell. It was only at that point we found out.

5) Re my parents and their circle, health got quite wobbly for a few people around 60 so good to have financial options

My FIL died in his mid seventies, closely followed by the deaths of 5 older friends (all cancer). My parents have a number of health issues but are struggling on in their 80s. They have the money for a good retirement but are unable to enjoy it and can't travel. It's heartbreaking to know that my dad will never see his birth country again.

In terms of DV, I’ve experienced very serious DV and it has dealt with by the police and the council’s DV unit.

The vast majority of people who ‘know’ me and my ex h don’t know about the DV.

So when people on here are saying they know about it being mostly men or mostly women you know, the truth is you don’t know. The whole way DV works is that the perpetrator isolates the victim so they have nobody to confide in.