What does life look life from your age perspective?

[PrincessLouis]

Inspired by the thread about whether a wife with a high earning husband should give up work, in which a lot of 50s MNers were saying at their age all the high earning husbands have left the SAHM wives and married high earning women... I’m wondering what life looks like from your age perspective?

I’m ‘around’ 40 (ahem ), two professional jobs type life, my observations are:

1. Almost everyone gets married, so when you’re in your 20s/30s thinking it will never happen, it probably will. Haven’t seen much infertility but maybe that’s still to come given age. Most marriages seem healthy and strong
2. Seen two affairs, both ended marriages with kids
3. Mental health is a massive thing in lots of people’s lives - I think there is a lot of responsibility when you have young kids, need to earn etc and that’s often how the stress comes out, hoping this will get better as kids get older etc. Also know a few people our age with serious physical health problems
4. Interestingly with all the Caroline Flack stuff in the papers (not saying she did anything) we have known two cases of wife on husband DV, no husband on wife cases
5. Re my parents and their circle, health got quite wobbly for a few people around 60 so good to have financial options

I am approaching 70. Decisions people have made earlier in life are affecting them now. Women who haven't had jobs and have no private pension can finish up very poor, particularly if they have ended up single for a long while. Some people are in very long lasting reasonably happy marriages and very comfortably off. Some women are still being bossed around by miserable old gits on whom they are financially dependant. Health is a lottery, some people are suffering because of their previous lifestyle some are randomly ill or even dead. You can't control these things. Some people at 70 are a lot "older" than others. Some of this is out of their control (health etc), some isn't( keeping up with technology, developing new interests). Some single women with enough money are very free and having a great time. You can become a carer for someone else after 70 which is very tying. My main advice-,be very careful who you marry / have kids witb. If at all possible pay into a private pension. Never stop learning,. Accept what you can't change and work round it. It is sad to see younger people struggling financially more than my generation . It seemed to be all progress when I was younger but things are going backwards in some ways.

I’m mid-20’s. Married with 3 DCs.
I agree with others that it depends on your “circle” rather than your age.
For example: we are a military family, so there’s a lot of married, 20-something SAHMs with young children, while it’s usually the husband who’s the serving soldier, although there are a few families where both parents are serving.
Whereas back home, my peer group from school etc, hardly anyone is married or has DCs yet because they are not long out of university, and most are more career focussed than thinking of starting families yet. I find when I get invited to things like birthday parties etc by those friends, it’s quite awkward and we don’t have much to talk about because our lives are so different!

Really interesting thread. I am mid 30s and for context my close friend group is 5 school friends in the NW so all similar backgrounds, education and home town.

All married or in LTR
All have children (between 1-3 each although there may be one or two more in future years)
All in careers inc. spouses
4 of the 5 own one house
No affairs (that I know of)
Fairly confident no drugs
Health generally good but just starting with a few niggly things
Those that had their children young seem to have coped better with the lifestyle change than those later but we are now having a tough time dealing with teens. Will be interesting to see if the older Mums cope better with teens in 10+ years time.
Parents are starting to reach retirement age.

On the whole everyone seems to prefer their 30s to their 20s.

DV,hard to spot.I know a few cases,all women but as far a others are concerned my marriage ended to unreasonable behaviour.Only my GP and solicitor know some of the unreasonable!Only strangers on MN know I was threatened with a knife at the end and fled with my DD and binbags of clothes .

Should have added: there’s been a few affairs and quickie divorces after a shotgun wedding....but that’s nothing new among the military community unfortunately.
You’d think there’d be no issues with drugs/alcohol because of the strict, compulsory drugs testing and “zero tolerance” set out by the MOD. But I know of 2 separate incidents in the last year of people failing CDT’s and being booted out of the military because of it.
Health generally very good but I guess that’s just because most of us aren’t old enough yet to have caused lasting damage to our health. There’s been a couple of cases of serious, life-changing injury (but that’s just a hazard of the trade unfortunately), and then there’s been a couple of people who’ve just been dealt a shitty hand health-wise and have suffered life-limiting/terminal illnesses

I'm 40.
Most of my friends who married the people they met in their late teens or early twenties are now divorced and either single or remarried/new relationships. That includes me.
I have a wide range of friends and many female friends who are in their 50's (I was a young Mum so lots of my 'Mum' friends were a good ten years older than me). I'd say a good half of of them have divorced the man they had children with and are now in new relationships (once their kids had grown up or moved away to uni).
Half of my friendships group (including me) are seemingly happily married.
Most of my friends have careers. Only one or two stayed at home with the kids and gave up work. Those that did are going back part time now the kids are at school and getting a bit older.

Early 40s

1. Friends mixture of married, divorced, single. No SAHM, but some put career on back burner for kids, relying on wealthy hubbies.

1. Marriages fail, people cheat. Have one friend who was victim of domestic abuse. Most successful, confident person I know. Divorced dads have been useless.

1. Mental health problems for about half of my friends. Stigma in my generation thankfully lifting. But a lot of ignorance still about.

1. People my age starting to care less what other people think. A few still competitive, but they are in the minority.

1. One friend who had fertility issues, now has a baby🥳.

1. Two cancer diagnosis’s so far - breast and cervical.

1. Some lost parents.

Agree it probably depends heavily on your circle. I just turned 30 and live in London.

1. Most of our friends are married or in long term relationships, even the ones we thought might never settle down. Can count the number of single friends on one hand.
2. People don’t have kids until late twenties
3. All the women go back to work (went to Oxbridge for context so the education level plus living in south east has a big impact)
4. People can get on housing ladder even in London, but only if they’re in couples - I’d say at least half of our friends own a home but only one single friend and he’s a city lawyer.
5. Completely agree with the people have a job, not a career - it’s actually probably my overriding feeling about this stage of life is you spend so much time at work, family isn’t so important at this age, but then you feel a bit misled that you’d have this amazing career and instead you just spend hours every day in the office

Mid 50's

1 - There is no God, no grand plan, no 'meaning' in events. It's just life and we are spinning around on a rock in the cosmos and a universe that does not have a soul or an opinion and does not care - previously religious and then spiritual and now an agnostic atheist

2 - The pointlessness of much of human effort as we all end up in the same place in the end

3 - The world is a tiny speck of sand on a beach and really nothing is that important. This is both freeing and depressing

4 - It doesn't matter how much you try to avoid other's mistakes and plot your own path to avoid failure and regrets, if you live long enough you will have some sort of failure or regret

1. All those people out there who appear to have it sussed really don't. - they are all winging it

1. Not jealous of anyone for any reason as outside appearances are proved time and time again to be misleading

1. Many births and deaths - the circle of life more and more obvious - nothing really matters - seen and done it all before

1. You never really know ANYONE including yourself

1. We are all living with blinkers and biases that we don't even know about

10. Things happen to everyone in life that can appear spiritual and mysterious in nature that impossible to make sense of and to reconcile with logic and science. This does not point to a god or any spiritual entity or realm - it simply means that things happen that we cannot explain with knowledge we currently have. Using god and spirits to fill that gap is nonsensical.

11. Life can be both too long and too short at the same time

12. There is no good or bad or right or wrong, there just IS what is

13. Never take anyone or anything for granted, animals, friends, family, spouses - they could be gone at the click of a finger.

14. You don't have to be loyal to anyone, family or friends, if they prove themselves not worthy of your loyalty.

15. It feels nice to be respected and liked but being respected is more important.

Âge 53, lots of my friends have gone through divorce and remarried at least once ( I'm the only one still single )
We all have young children for our age too.
All working full time and planning to carry on doing that

Late 40's. My three closest friends (my age and older) have never married. One had a child. Other longer term friends have married but not had children. I have seen a lot of fertility problems (myself included), a lot of career disillusionment and complete changes recently. The cleverest girls from school did not necessarily earn the most or have the happiest lives. The ones who ended up well off were those who married rich men . I have no separated or divorced friends but I have two who were widowed young.

Mental health is a big thing but more so amongst young people: teenagers and younger.

On the point of domestic violence. My dh was physically and mentally abused by his ex 30 years ago. It was impossible for him to talk about then and I cannot imagine it has gotten any easier, for either sex, but especially for abused men.

I think where I live affects my outlook quite a lot: rural Ireland. I imagine if I was in London I would be preoccupied with different things. And the demographics of my friends may be different.

Mid 50's

In addition to my previous post, this Macbeth quotes sums it all up for me.

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools / The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! / Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player / That struts and frets his hour upon the stage / And then is heard no more: it is a tale / Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, / Signifying nothing. (V, v).

Mid fifties

1. Evenly split between never been married and married/divorced.

Most of those who have never been married are not in a relationship but seem very happy. Quite a large number of friends have not had children, and will obviously now never have children but, again, seem very happy. Majority of women work.

1. Some affairs but not common or they haven’t gone public with them
2. Many friends have MH issues, a variety of degrees of seriousness.
3. A couple of cancer diagnoses in my close circle, more in the wider circle.
4. Most people I know do have careers but I work as an HCP with a fairly clearly defined progression.
5. Only know of one DV incident M on F, bil with first wife, alcohol and her affair (no excuse), nothing with his second wife that we know of.

Such an interesting thread!

I’m mid 50s. Had a career in local government. Took early retirement a couple of years ago to concentrate on a) looking after disabled spouse b) writing career (have had some success, but not well known or anything!).

Of my circle I’d say around 60% are still with the partners/spouses they got together with in their 20s/30s. Some people have died. Most have lost at least one parent.

I still feel young inside, but my body doesn’t always agree with me, though I am fit and healthy.

No children. Partly though choice, partly through circumstance.

I sometimes feel very sad that I will never have another wild night out dancing til dawn and taking naughty substances (my old carcass couldn’t take that these days)!

My young self would think my current self very boring, but I am content in a quiet way. I’m really grateful to have a roof over my head that is paid for, enough money to pay the bills and to be able to have the odd treat without having to worry. It’s been a long and hard road to get to this point, though.

catsjustsmile brilliant post and sums up what I feel at this point in my life too.

This is a really interesting thread.
I'm late 20s, single, and have a career.
Most of my friends are in long-term relationships, 3 are married, 2 have children.
I have had mental health issues and have several friends who have had them too.
I try not to stress too much about life. My job is stressful but I try not to let it get to me and I tell myself that it's just my job, not my life.
I don't want to have children, and i'm not sure I want to get married either.

I'm mid 30s.

Everyone pretty much is married.sadly two couples already divorced (no children in either case). I don't know of any affairs but I'm sure there are some.

We are in commuter belt with friends in London & the home counties. We were among the first to have a baby (I was 31, but DH was just shy of 30). Most friends are now having them, but there's a lot of problems. Lots of miscarriages (I had 3) lots of it taking longer than expected to conceive, lots of IVF.

My sister is in the West Midlands. Her chums seemed to start families 4 or 5 years earlier & have fewer fertility problems.

I have colleagues and friends in late 30s and early 40s and am saddened by the number who have been open about regrets leaving it as long as they did. Only one who had "misses the boat" on her own fertility and is now trying donor eggs, but many have one or two children but tried long and hard for another and didn't manage it. DH and I have decided to stop at 2 after a run of horrible MCs.

Job & mental health issues don't seem to be an issue but we have a fortunate bunch of friends in very successful careers.

We are all increasingly aware of parents worsening health.

Recently I have struggled with a friend my age dying of terminal cancer, and a relative in his 20s being diagnosed with stage 4. Until now, the only people i knew who had died were very old & frail.

68 resident in SE
Still have an adult son living with us + DDIL, his brother and partner only moved out in November. It is a fairly usual occurence in this area as housing costs are so high and it is good commuter area.
I retired age 65, enjoyed the first year, but am now bored with being "a housewife" see little of my friends as they are all minding their grandchildren, which despite having four sons, I don't have any.
(Actually my friends get a bit fed up with being "dumped on" with the gc's but feel they have to, without complaint)
Been married for 40+ years, and its a second marriage, like many of my generation we got married incredibly young, I was quite revolutionary(for the times) by kicking my husband out aged 22, remarried aged 25!
My DH still works, he is younger than me. When he retires we will have to sell up and possibly re-locate to maintain a decent standard of living.
We were unable to have decent holidays when the DC's were younger so are just beginning to enjoy travelling now.
Two people who I was really close to now have severe dementia, which ipsets me greatly as I have "lost" them both.
Health concerns tend to feed any fears I have for the future,
My brain is still very active I want to use it, to be of use but can't see how at the moment.

I'm in my forties. My two penneth worth:

1. Once you reach your 40's it's such a relief that all the baby questions start to settle and stop being devisive amongst your friends. Forgive friends who faded away if you had babies and they didn't, you can have a great friendship now. You can stop asking people about their baby plans, and that 30's angst about "will I won't I" settles and we can all focus on other things. This has been a huge positive iny life.

1. Don't be afraid of the ebb and flow of friendship. I have recently reconnected with people who faded from my life for no real reason, and it's a real joy. People can offer different types of friendship at different times in their lives.

Mid 30s here.

My circle is quite evenly split. Half married, half not and of that half most single. Most unhappy about it and want marriage/kids but starting to not believe it will happen.

No known affairs in my circle, I genuinely would be so shocked. Not all spouses/long term partners are perfect but none seem the type to cheat.

Personal persepctive is life is f'ing hard right now. Live in SE in a large house, sky high mortgage, struggling to concieve 2nd child and DH just coming out of 18 months of pretty bad depression.

Mental health is huge amongst my groups with most suffering either directly or undirectly. My generation seems much more open about MH struggles which I think is good.

Again, probably half to 2/3s I would say have careers, teachers, doctors etc. But a good third, myself and DH included, just have fairly well paid jobs. Not something I would necessarily call a defined career.

Sorry, forgot to add that whilst most of us were in London, quite a few have moved out, myself included. So we're less a 'group' these days and struggle to find time to hang out.

I'm 47. Married for 21 years, together for 30 years. One teenage child. No issues relationship wise as far as I'm aware and we both are pretty happy with life. Dh earns a lot more than I do and has done for years though I do work FT and have always worked. We don't have his and her money and everything is shared in the family pot. We make financial decisions together.

Friends are around our age give a take 5/6 years.

Almost all are married or in serious LT relationships. Most have children bar 2 or 3 couple who got together later on.

We had fertility issues but most of our friends haven't appeared to have had, from what we know. Have talked about it with friends as we were open about our issues at the time and since.

Have had friends LT marriages break down and them (bar one of the women involved) remarry, but not had more children. One the woman was having an affair - friend found her. Other they say no one else involved but the man met his now wife quickly after (I believe there was overlap personally from things we've seen/heard.) Had other LT marriages have blips, one or two quite serious blips for a relatively short while, but all on track again at the moment.

One close friend has had a fair bit of mental health issues on and off. Others have had periods of MH issues that have affected them more visibly for a while, though appear 'okay' at present. I think everyone has some periods of MH difficulties at some time in their lives though it's not always visible to outsiders.

With friends not known of any DV cases though one LT relationship did have a period of both parties being unpleasant to one another for a short time.

Re physical health. I've had issues myself but not related to age. I've used the NHS for those and continue to do so, though know I have the luxury of being able to pay if it came to it. I've just been fortunate to benefit from efficient NHS services so far.

Early 50s.

A lot of my friends (I've been through it too) are caring for elderly parents and it is bloody difficult.

I don't really know one family that doesn't have some issue with a teenager - to greater or lesser extent. Anxiety and depression seem way more common in teens now than when I was young but maybe it was just hidden better

The child-rearing years go by surprisingly fast and you find yourself looking at each other in a child-free house. Staying friends with and interested in your spouse/partner is well worth it. We know several couples where they split once the last kid headed to college.

My parents generation had a similar lifestyle to us on a lot less money.