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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my husband’s first question

143 replies

AnneTwackie · 19/02/2020 18:55

3 years ago I left my career that I had just qualified for to have our unexpected baby, we both agreed we didn’t want to go down the full time childcare route so I have childminded for 3 years. Apart from the first 6 months I have paid half to all bills. Now my son is ready for preschool and will get funding but the nursery we want him to attend charges a supplement. We agreed we’d pay £60 each despite him earning at least £10k more than me as a childminder.

I’ve suggested I might do something else part time with the days he’s in nursery and I saw the perfect part time job today. I’ve had a shit day childminding and said when he got in ‘I’ve seen a job I really want!’ His reply, before asking about the job, was ‘if you’re going to be making more money we need to talk about whose paying for his childcare’. AIBU to think that is horrible?

OP posts:
TheMaskedTulip · 21/02/2020 14:56

We don’t know what more than half means. It could be £0.01p more than half but that is still more than half, yet she laid £0.00 for 6 months. We therefore have to classify this as the OP is being unreasonable. Until she provides further clarity and figures. The fact also still remains that she repeatedly says “my son” when it’s clearly both their son.

PanettoneEater · 21/02/2020 15:05

Why should she pay £0.01p more for THEIR child?

She paid £0 towards the bills for six months as she had just given birth, he paid £0 towards childcare for 3 YEARS...

How does that make the OP unreasonable?

Lots of people say my son/my daughter it’s meaningless, you’re picking on nonsense to try and twist the OP into being unreasonable. I’m sure when her husband is talking to people he says I have one son etc rather than we have one son. Most people do, that doesn’t make them unreasonable. Just as taking maternity leave doesn’t make people unreasonable.

Trunkysaurus · 21/02/2020 15:24

@themaskedtulip

I too speak as the male in my relationship, and just because you have a penis, doesn't mean you have to behave like one.

Baby is 50% his, then he pays 50% of the them and picks up 50% of childcare and costs associated with the child. Dont want to do that? Let the mother stay at home and you pick up the costs or you stay at home and look after your child.

She is anything but unreasonable.

RedRed9 · 21/02/2020 15:24

yet she laid £0.00 for 6 months. We therefore have to classify this as the OP is being unreasonable.

She had just had a baby?? It wasn’t like they, as a couple, decided she was going to have six months off work to lounge at home watching tv and do nothing. They, as a couple, decided to have a baby.

Someone then has to care for that baby. In this situation it was her. She couldn’t physically care for the baby and also go to work.

What would you have done differently?

Oswin · 21/02/2020 17:22

Themaskedtulip can you explain why you think op should have been paying half the bills when she had just has a baby?

Do you honestly think that op should take 100 percent responsibility for childcare. Like the dp wanted.
But also should pay half of all bills?

I cannot follow your thinking.

Isleepinahedgefund · 21/02/2020 17:59

This issue has only come up since it became more the norm for mothers to return to work. Now the men seem to think that means that childcare costs falls to the woman because it’s the woman that’s creating the need for paying for it instead of staying at home and doing it for free.

It goes hand in hand with the notion that men who participate in childcare in any way shape or form need a round of applause for doing the woman such an enormous favour.

I think the notion of it being a shared cost is actually fairly new, and will take some time to bed in. To help I along, We should all expect it to happen and challenge it when it doesn’t. We should also shout the message lot louder, especially in the ears of our daughters.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/02/2020 18:05

themaskedtulip

I earn 4-5x more than my DH. He was a SAHD for a while where I paid everything. Should I insist we split the bills 50:50 rather than proportionately?

katy1213 · 21/02/2020 18:08

How does he see himself - as the sperm donor/lodger?

PanettoneEater · 21/02/2020 18:19

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude your DH should pay half of the bills but more than half of any child care costs whether they are paid now or in the future apparently Confused

timeisnotaline · 21/02/2020 22:38

Everyone should ignore the masked tulip. He probably expects his wife to not just pay the bills but pay him on top of that for the honour of having his child. ‘But you wanted a baby...’

JustForTheTasteOfIt · 22/02/2020 09:32

The fact also still remains that she repeatedly says “my son” when it’s clearly both their son.

I can only see her say it once.

And she says "our" son once too.

Both in her opening post.

You said it's a fact she repeatedly said "my" son.

Where is the repetition of "my son"?

You've literally made it up, why can't you just admit that instead of continuing to say it's fact when it simply isn't?

It shows a real lack of character not to be able to admit mistakes.

Just a shame for you that it's in black and white on here so everyone can see it's not a fact Grin

JustForTheTasteOfIt · 22/02/2020 09:33

Oh and that was to @TheMaskedTulip obviously.

DishingOutDone · 22/02/2020 12:53

I think the @TheMaskedTulip should be personally invited on to all these threads so that we can be reminded how some men think.

Its so alien to most (male and female) that one family member should be deliberately disadvantaged because they gave birth, yet here we have a man who thinks he's found a brilliant argument in favour of that disadvantage and the rest of us are merely confused as we are wimmin.

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 22/02/2020 13:31

@TheMaskedTulip and I thought my DH was bad. At least he didn’t begrudge me maternity leave, pick on the tiniest turn of phrase or say ‘dear Lordy me’! His point was ‘if you’re making £200 extra and I’m £70 down I’m not sure that’s fair’ but he has conceded that as he makes more overall and has benefitted from the arrangement in the past of course I should benefit. He’s also apologised. Not even he is on your side.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 22/02/2020 13:41

I get that he’s apologised, big of him! I’m shocked that his first thought is that you will need to up your contribution so you’d be what, paying more than him despite him earning more still?

Surely you should pay proportionately? So if he earns 70% of income, he pays 70% of bills? He’s in a very fortunate position of you being a childminder. If he brings it up again, just tot up how much it would have cost to have your ds looked after by someone over the past 3 years.

billy1966 · 22/02/2020 13:53

He may have apologised but he's no prize OP.

HeIenaDove · 22/02/2020 17:02

@TheMaskedTulip Interesting.

But i disagree. This has more than a whiff of financial abuse about it.

HeIenaDove · 22/02/2020 17:12

I experienced financial abuse myself in a relationship a long time ago.

Never again would I put up with it. The first signs of financial abuse and just pack up and leave.

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